[thissucks7788]

Gosh, thank you all so much forum family!! LaB, Curiosity, Treasur and Tsun... you guys don't know how much I needed the support today. Really.   I literally cried all morning.  I haven't done that since the beginning around BD.  It is horrible.  I guess if I'm being honest, I think I am mourning a whole new phase-- meaning the hope of H "coming to his senses" and stopping the insanity is unlikely to happen and I am reaching a 6-month milestone. Even though logically I did know this with MLC, it is hard not to hope that you will be different (yes, naive).  Also, I have been spending some serious time contemplating filing for D myself b/c there is no legal separation here in NJ.  I believe this combined with the argument with my son really set me off.  I mean, at what point am I just being silly.  I don't have an H, not in any way that counts.  He doesn't live at home, we are not parenting together, he isn't taking care of the house or day to day problems. No emotional support or closeness, no dates, no fun, no cuddles (ugh, I'm barfing just listening to myself).  A friendly convo?   A pleasant text exchange? What's the point (no offense to anyone who sees things differently, this is just what has been floating in my head)  I hate that he did this to me, to us, to our family.  It's just so stupid. MLC-ShmemLC.

LaB- You know I feel you.  I am so tired of these bad feelings...I wonder when they will ever leave.  Just when I think that I'm over it, they come back and sometimes stronger.  Hugs!

Curiosity-Thank you-you're right it is so hard to do.  I think I'm making progress and then take 3 steps back.  Sometimes I have empathy for H and his MLC but hatred has been def. coming up especially lately.  I would rather get to indifference as I know that is the opposite of love. 

Treasur- I always like the way you put things and your advice is spot on.  We also have many "leaders" who behave the way you describe (and other stupid and selfish variations of behavior) and I could go on about it but I don't want to piss off anyone on the forum   Like George Carlin said (I like him!)  regarding our "leaders"... it' a big club--and you ain't in it!  For the record, I would 100 percent buy that T-shirt not to mention matching socks and hair band!  And...I wouldn't be ashamed to wear it out!

Tsun- I know what you mean about feeling sad about having the hate because you really loved your H. I also hope to get to indifference (even dislike would be progress)  I  totally feel the same way!  I miss my original H and I hate this new guy.   I am so sorry that your H sent you another "lovely" email with threats and demands (put in 3 eye rolls here).  The behavior of these MLCers is horrid.  Right, you son- how about him?  Remember, you're their father?  Hellloooo?  Yes, the loud T-Rex in the room (I like that) I can see using that for so many situations.  Roku so far, so good.  I saw Britbox that you were talking about.  I have one more TV to do and then hasta Lavista to cable.  I can't wait to call them and tell them goodbye.

Thank you all!!  I'll say what I always do... I hope tomorrow will be a better day! xo

[Tsun]

TS, I think that many of us hold on to the hope that our h might be the one that "snaps out of it" and comes back. Perhaps it's a survival mechanism that gets us through the first few months because accepting the loss is just too much. And if it helps (maybe not, if so I'm sorry) I too thought there might be a chance that your h would turn around because there was no monstering and no active affair. But the fact that I say that no monstering and no active affair are reasons for hope is pretty sad in and of itself (very low standards). We can, and should, expect much much more from others.

Regarding the D, would it be helpful to set a deadline for your self? For instance, if things have not changed in 6/12/18/... months, I am filing. That way you indicate (to yourself) that you won't live like this forever, yet you give it a little more time.

[OffRoad]

You know TS, most of us cycled through our feelings. I can't tell you how many times I felt like I was in the rinse and repeat of I'm just fine, now I'm pissed, now I'm sad, now I just want to sleep. Wait. Now I feel fine..... Healing is not a linear thing. It's OK to feel all those things and let them pass, because they will pass. There will come a day when you get up and go on with your day and won't think about mlc until noon. Then one where you make it to 4 pm. Then one where you may not think of it at all, but that may come after the kids are grown. With kids it's kind of an every day navigation. And there will come a day where even if you must think of it, it's just not that important anymore. Just know that day is out there and work your way through until you get there.

[Treasur]

Me too ^^^^^
I remember my own feelings being exhausting though. And frustrating.

I recall reading an article that helped me. It was talking about what I believe is some kind of Buddhist tale about your feelings charging around in your house uninvited while you ran around trying to catch them and push them out. That instead, you could mentally say hello, show them a chair in the corner of the room and get on with your day. That someday you might even feel able to offer them tea  So, I started saying hello when the feelings came in through the door and it helped. Sometimes I needed more than one chair though!

Looking back, I think it helped bc it let me feel that my feelings were not all of me and that they did visit rather than move in. I got quite good at saying oh, hello x or y. Still do it now if I need to tbh.

I have no advice on what you should or shouldn’t do in your situation but I have trust that you will reach a point when you know.

I think honestly that we get to this point when we start to see it as less about what our spouse is/does and more like a situation, like weather, something that is happening around us rather than being intentionally done to us if that makes sense. When we start to see it like weather, I think we have probably touched a stage of detachment and acceptance about what we can or can’t control  that allows us to figure out whether we need an umbrella or a boat  .

[thissucks7788]

You guys have given me so many things to think about.  I've been letting them shake around in my head all day today and have been trying to reflect on being triggered this time around.  I think I've identified what the problems is.  I am putting so much pressure on myself to decide whether or not to file for D right now.  I have two competing thoughts which is causing a lot of distress.  On one hand, I want to be able to separate all financial ties (I have already separated bank accts and credit cards) so my H can't get me into any trouble.  (I haven't noticed anything excessive from him at this point, but I know MLCers can be unpredictable) Also, I hear that you can get a more favorable settlement if you don't wait as your H is still somewhat in fantasyland, So there is that.  On the other hand, I just don't really feel emotionally ready yet to do it even though I have no real spouse to speak of. My head says I'm being an idiot b/c as I said above, he is not an H in any way that matters. When I think about doing it though...I think that is what caused the crying episode. Logic says all the reasons I should just file, but the thought of it is killing me.   Emotionally I would like to wait until I can do it when like Treasur said-- it is like the weather. More of a detached thing that is happening around me.   This whole thing is causing me tremendous stress.  Not to mention resentment that I'm even in this situation at all.  Add to this a teenager who was having a big attitude with single parenthood and it created a nasty storm for me.  (Can't get off of the weather   Either way, I am going to table this for now as I am getting nowhere in my circular thoughts and it's upsetting me. 

I was able to work today and took a long walk with my neighbor. We had a lot of laughs and I'm feeling in better spirits.

Tsun- I know what you mean about setting such a low bar.  I feel like I literally have to jump up to hit bottom the way things are currently. We will see if Monster comes out.  For right now I am keeping H at arm's length.  Maybe I'll change my mind at a later time, but this is my feeling for right now.  I am pissed that he has caused and continues to cause me such grief and distress. I'm Sorry this has been all about me lately.  I hope that you and your son are doing well.  Since the weather has been nice-- I think where you are too-- I hope you have had the chance to do the Tsun approach and go to the local park/pond.  I think your son has off now from school and I hope you guys are enjoying some quality time together

OffRoad- The constant cycling is such a killer. Just knowing that eventually there will be a day where I might not think about this sh*tshow feels like a relief.  I am so tired of this situation and exhausted from the gamut of emotions that I have experienced this year.  I can't wait for this to all pass! 

Treasur- That Buddhist tale is so great.  I literally visualized what you said about the feelings and showing them a chair in the corner. Then I made myself laugh. I think I've watched too many movies...Not only did I invite them for tea,.. but for some reason I visualized making the tea and just like in those old movies-- I was wearing one of those big rings that open up and I put cyanide in the tea and served it to them.  LOLOL.  I have no idea how that jumped in, but there it was. So it was a success because I Iaughed and felt better-- it is so me to visualize something like that.  Something else you said that made me think of a quote that I heard a while back "Feelings are like visitors...they come and then they go". 

You are also the second person who said to me today that I will just know when the right time is to pull the D trigger (assuming H doesn't do it first-- in which case- I didn't have to make the decision which has its own pros/cons).  I am going to try to listen to my inner voice and see what happens. 

As far as whether or not I need a boat or an umbrella-- right now I feel like I'm going up a specific creek without a paddle, lol.  On that note, thank you all for your support! xo

[xyzcf]

Just my thoughts.

I am very much for "divorce" in order to protect financial assets.

I just looked at your BD date, March 2022, 5 months ago.

You sound like you don't want a divorce...just makes sure that this is what you really want....

Might I ask what are the reasons you think you'd like a divorce right this moment? Have you decided you are done with your husband and wish to find another partner?

I did file for a legal separation but it was my filing because I got a lawyer's apt first...he would have filed two days later but his apt was not as soon as mine..he was leaving the country and I wanted to protect myself financially...this was 14 months after BD and took another 14 months to be finalized.

Just a suggestion...slow down a bit...I never wanted this and when he finally filed for divorce 9 years later, it was all his divorce, not mine.

[thissucks7788]

Thanks xyzcf, very interesting hearing your timeline with filing etc... My concern is financial- 2 reasons-- one, H has his own business and with recession looming I'm concerned about any trouble he can get into that could affect me.  The second is he has been expressing financial concerns now that he has been in his own place for 5 months and now his car is having trouble.  He made a very generous offer to me when he left (maybe guilt, the fog etc...) and with reality setting in, I'm concerned about having trouble with this down the line.  Many say to file while they are still in the fog/fantasyland to ensure a better deal.  My head says yes and heart says no. Heart is not ready it seems.  Lots of conflicting feelings. 

[xyzcf]

Thanks for explaining.

I often tell people that they need to separate the "business" from the emotional side of protecting themselves. In  the state I live in, I was able to obtain a legal separation but not all states allow that.

I do know that what we have seen is that the MLCer can become unwillingly to give a fair settlement as time passes.

The emotional part of me, even after so many years HATES being divorced...on so many levels....I hate checking off the "divorced" box in doctor's offices and I truly believe that marriage is a sacrament, joined by God and so for me, it was very important that he take full responsibility for divorcing me....a matter of semantics perhaps since the legal separation did effectively divide all our assets and also allowed me to stay on his company's medical insurance plan.

Of course your heart doesn't want this!

Sometimes people think that a divorce will ease their pain, or that the threat of a divorce will wake them up to the reality and bring them home, others use divorce to "punish" or perhaps not cooperating to prevent their spouse from marrying the OW.....lots of reasons.....and I am not saying those are not valid reasons.

Because in my mind it is such a huge thing, knowing clearly why, working that through is important down the road so you don't look back and regret or ask yourself what you have done?

The other side of it is that if you go ahead and get a divorce, it can make you feel like you have some control over things. You take charge.

My concern for new LBSers are you are dealing with such "pain" that initiating and following through with the divorce can be a great deal to handle (although not necessarily any easier later on).

You and you alone know the answer...and it does sound like you feel that you could suffer financially...and that is a very big deal.

I am so sorry...sending you a (((((HUG)))))

[Tsun]

Hi TS, please don't apologize for talking about yourself, this is your thread (I just borrowed it for a bit).

Again, sorry it's been so rough :-(.  Even though we have no husband to speak of, an actual D still feels so sad. I do admire you for being so proactive and wish I could advise you on what would be best. Perhaps for now,  just let it simmer a bit and discuss it here, and with friends and family. Doing so will likely help you organize your thoughts and emotions a bit more.

I loved the tea visual, cyanide  , not sure if that's what the Buddhists meant lol. I'm skipping the tea, my feelings are getting wine  .

Thank you for asking about my son. He still has two weeks of vacation left, yet I start work tomorrow (and guess who's not helping). I'll have to manage through a combination of working from home and help from his babysitter (who's the best!!). Should be fun  .

[MomOfSteel]

Just some food for thought, I think xyzcf had some great advice to think through why you do/don’t file.  Does It matter where you are who files first?  I know for me I wasn’t going to let my H push me into filing.  I get like if he wants a divorce he can file.  I felt pretty strongly like I didn’t want him to say that I was the one that wanted a divorce.  I felt like he would use it to garner sympathy and make me the bad guy.  Everyone has a slightly different reason for doing it or not.  Have you talked to an attorney at all?  I know I did a few different legal consultations so I at least understood the process and could make more informed decisions.  It also made me slightly less behind the ball when he filed and I already understood my basic rights and had found a lawyer.  If he owns a business, you may have rights to some of that as well. I know at least for me, I feel better the more information I have.  I might have to visualize the chair for my feelings as well.  I feel like my head and heart are slowly getting to a similar place, but it’s hard and it can’t really be forced.