[MadLuv]

Wow!! So much going on. I also like you included your relationship with KA talks on things that you have to work through.  I think one thing that we definitely are more aware of is just how important communication and ones feelings are in a relationship. I like how you explain your thoughts but reflect on how you can do better. Good update!

[STP]

Thanks for your comment MadLuv!
Journalling

Well kayaking season 🚣 has begun and I lead a group of (up to) 28 paddlers each week June-Sept. Monday nights, after work, we go out on the water. Afterwards some of the group go out to dinner. We seem to be plagued with bad or slow service and often times I dont get home until after 10:30.

This past Monday I told my gf KA that it was my hope by being off the water at 8pm, I could be home by 10pm. At almost 11pm, while driving home, she called me upset I was still out, knowing less sleep... would impact our Tuesday date night with me being tired. I slept well and it didn't (whew) as we went on a hike by her request! While waiting for me to get home she did a short nearby hike herself and posted online she was hoping to relieve anxiety and negativity. I asked about it and is has nothing to do with us, but her life adulting and the pressures of selling her house. Shes looking to buy a new construction home in the fall. She feels like she has no time for activites and to make friends. With a 12 yr old, she has awhile before freedom from daily parenting. Way I see it, she had her fun time, not becoming a parent until 42. I've done my 24 years of having kids under my roof. I did ask KA if she'd like more of an online presence with me, less or was okay as we've been doing. She wants more of the smaller things we do posted, explaining one of her friends asked her if we were even still together.

TPB brought her S24 this monday to kayaking and afterwards the kid sent me a Facebook friend request. I still haven't accepted it and mentioned it to KA. I also joked to TPB that it would make us one step closer to being a family. She thought it funny and knew I was kidding. She has a friend with benefits but not interested in a relationship with that guy.

Her bestie, JKR sent me a long text that she was backing off coming to my events because she felt pressure (from me) to try and befriend KA and it wasn't working. I told her I am ok with them just coexisting and the next move would be from KA to try and get to know her. KA had indicated she would like to attend one of my Sunday group hikes but her schedule and mine don't meetup until perhaps November. I think her walking with my hiking friends will get them talking and more friendly. Most of my friends were made from hiking groups.

Last Friday S25 eloped and married his live in gf. The only ones present were her mother, his best friend and XW who apparenly is an officient and performed the quick service in the nearby courthouse. KA thought it sucks for me to not be included but I really didn't care. S25 said it was mainly to get her on his insurance. As far as I know, they still have a public wedding planned for fall 2026.

Also last Friday I was invited to disc golf with four friends (three women and one guy). It was nice to be invited to something for a change! One of the women (first time mentioning her here), an older black gal DB considers me her best guy friend. She said another of the women BB (last mentioned in Oct '24 for winking at me) was hitting on me. I know she's a flirt. She has good energy but I am imprervious to her friendly gestures.

Fathers Day was very, very fun with S32, S25 and S23. Unfortunately S30 had to work. We played 18 holes of disc golf, ate pizzas out, tossed nerf football around in the 60º water at the beach and played 4-player Mario soccer on their Wii U. A great day!

This weekend KA and I are going out Friday to see a band at a brewery. I saw on Facebook DC was 'interested' in going. Would be nice, yet awkward to see her. We haven't texted in three months and I don't expect that to change. Saturday is my Tie-Dye summer party. My original theme was vampires but KA said she wouldn't come, so I changed it. I have just over 20 attending atm, including buddy JS and S25. Looks to be mid 70s at night, great for a fire.

[OffRoad]

Tie Dye sounds more summer anyway. Summer is beer. Vampire should be part of a wine party  JK, you do you.

I am confused.

JKR sent me a long text that she was backing off coming to my events because she felt pressure (from me) to try and befriend KA and it wasn't working.

What events did they attend together that was a problem? Just not understanding.

Also, LOVE the church. I love abandoned places and am always glad when I go because invariably someone shuts them down rather than make it so people can go visit and NOT damage the remains.

[STP]

Thanks for the comment OffRoad.

JKR has been coming to my parties for about two years but really only in the last several months have I asked her to try and be friends with KA. I told her don't push it, let the friendship happen, if it does.

My tie-dye party was very low key with about 25 coming. Buddy JS brought a women he met that day at another friends afternoon birthday party and she was a very friendly and welcome guest to have. I think having the music too quiet made it more relaxed, as typically I get dancing and had none. It was also a very hot 90º+ night so noone went outside to light the fire. Thus a lot more sitting & talking. Late in the night I actually sat down and was talking to JKR with TPB next to her and KA found me and stood there rubbing my back. KA and TPB actually talked and watched a phone video together.

In my Nov 12 post I mentioned a new guy friend FB, I met whose been going through his divorce and I've been counseling him. Lately he's been having difficulty with his rebound gf of four months. They've broken up twice but weak willed him keeps getting drawn back in. This third breakup she even called the police on him for staying at her house too late when her cleaning lady was coming over. I casually was talking to him and mentioning snippets of my relationship with KA and how sometimes she gets jealous and he threw out "TBP" Where'd that come from? I don't feel like I outwardly give her any noticeable attention. I have seen her more than any other woman friend at my events this year, tho. She is quiet when her pal JKR is around.

Kayaked yesterday in 93º heat which was fun and saw lots of wildlife including these eagles. I paddle with my canon camera around my neck.



Thursday night, I'm hosting a group to see a Metallica tribute band. This is the start of the summer weekly concerts. S25 will be there as well as JKR and TPB. The weekend will be at KAs house with friday fireworks and pool time on Saturday. Sunday is my hike which I lead every 4 weeks.

MM texted me shes back in MI, 1hr10 mins away, staying with her old man bf. We will talk tomorrow. I wonder if she plans to go back to FL?

[STP]

Journalling

Things have been going as fun as ever. It's been a very good summer. Kayaking on Mondays. Live tribute concerts on Thursdays. KA and I took a camping trip to Hocking Hills OH, a place that many people have gone to for its hiking trails and waterfalls. Caves, canyons, bridges and rock formations. We also took out annual trip to the Rennaissance Faire which was great fun. I'm on a break from parties with my next one being on the beach the last day of Aug.

Work is bleak now with even my boss quitting so, I'm on the hunt for a new job. There just isn't enough work to keep me here and the new owners accountants are terrible about paying bills. Currently they owe outside vendors and aren't buying paper and ink, which makes it impossible to be a printer. Probably only a matter of months until we close? Living with this crushing fatigue makes life feel bleak. I did get a call over the weekend about a job and will head over there later today. It would be an excellent transition for me so I'm hopeful all goes well.

I don't expect anyone to read this sitting at my desk, babbling, but since I typed it...

97 STAIRS DOWN FROM SATISFIED
I found some work to do but for the most part I’m just going through the motions of how work used to be. Two jobs to join the 11 others on hold because the new owners have not paid our Flexo plate vendor for any plates they’ve made this year. They actually called me asking what was going on and why our 14 year partnership has dissolved. Seems the new owners are on a path of destruction. Today is Dons 65th birthday and he told me he’s retiring. Sooner than he wanted to but day after day he’s had nothing to do. Hrs our scheduler planning when jobs go to certain printing presses but that sorta irrelevant now as the new owners haven’t paid for something to other to prevent the jobs from being down. Typically paper. They won’t pay for paper so we can’t print. No reason for us to even plate jobs for them to just sit without paper. Our cutter was down for 6 weeks because of a needed repair. All the work for it was farmed out and now that’s it back up we’ve nothing to print tor cut. There’s no work. Last week, the one remains dept. manager came around and sent us home. I had to burn 2.5 days of vacation. I think the rest of mine is spoken for so I’m dreading seeing her for next time I’ll be home unpaid and I can’t have that! I printed some personal stuff figuring these days will by some means or another be over. The reason for writing this is because of the unique frame of mind I am in. IT’s dark and bleak. Depressing like all hell. Bad analogy. Its a form of pain that endure. I think about the one man who was killed in the Salem with trials. He was laid on the ground covered with a board and stones were piled upon him til he died. I imagine the feeling is sorta similar? Nothing seems to have value or purpose. There is no joy. I don’t even try. I found a box of unopened ice cream bars in the work freezer. I ate them all. Figure the owner probably quit months ago. No joy. Not even trying. I still go through the motions of checking the epson proofer each day. No one cares. We don’t use it. Finished the last full roll of paper and now using scraps. There was a time when they mattered. The people the results mattered to are long gone. Like the guys in the bunker on Lost, I still push the button, just to have something to do. Meaningless. Nobody cares. I sit here 10 hrs a day trying to get through the day looking busy for no one is looking… well until last week. This company is dying if not dead. Bo work is being produced. People leave and aren’t replaced. I went through this once before in the early 90s. Morale is so firetrucking low. No one cares. There’s not enough people to care. Just get me through the day. So I can get paid. The woman is in charge at our other building so I assume she’s there. This people likely have nothing to do because we don’t have jobs to print and sent to them to fill. Its funny, not funny, how ones job is tied to ones life. I feel like the loss of this job could kill me. How easy if would be to curl up and let it all end. But I’m a survivor, and as dark… not not dark. Bleak is a a better word for its vast field of emptiness. Not really of boredom but emptiness. Like no purpose. I have to remember its not me that is failing but the circumstances I am in. That I stay in for the mighty dollar. I know there is something new for me out there and I will pursue it… but right now I want to investigate these dark recesses and take in the vantage f how it feels to be here. At one time this was a happy place. Never wonderful but it passed and I enjoyed coming here. I don’t dread being here. I enjoy work snd I wish there was enough to do to keep me busy. I wanted to retire here. My responsibilities grew and someday they’d bring in new employees right? Man, that seems so far from the truth. Nobody cares and I could never encourage anyone to come here. I long for the day when I too leave and let those still here continue to lay on the vast plain of emptiness. This is rambling and really just continual writing until I decide to stop or you decide to stop reading. Many people don’t like change because it typically is away from what attracted you in the first place. I loved working on images. That dried up about 3 years ago and yeah I probably shoulda tried then to get out. I hate job searching and adapted fine to the new direction. I mean what else am I gonna do? My job is so specialized, its unlikely I’ll find something similar. Whatever. A career change would be fine. While looking and sending out resumes I saw an article titled Looking for a job after age 55? And why its so hard to find one? Yeah I guess I am old. Mentally not. Probably have som odd function fail before my mind goes which sucks. Ah well. Nothing really on my bucket list. A lot of what I share is meant for the inevitable unborn generations to see who Todd was. Well, I’ve been here 3 hrs which is longer than last Tues when I was sent home. FFS don’t send me home. This company will for sure die if I leave it. Some things I do no-one else does. Of course that’s true for everyone I suppose and I’m not really that valuable. Grabbed a frozen yogurt, which is another thing I’m eating left by someone who quit.  Just saw a bank of 5 PCs that were sent to us by a prospective partner. We were gonna establish a dept that I was going to be in charge of. I would been printing and framing art prints. We went through weeks of calibration our proofers for their design paper only to have the whole thing fall through. There’s no way it would continue past this point as the paper was like $50 a roll, which should be nothing for a company making millions but cheapness presides and that avenue was never to be. Its kinda like falling down stairs. Every day you may move down a few more or at times feel like your trajectory has changed. It hasn’t. I’m just holding on to not reach complete bottom, perhaps 97 stairs down from satisfied.

[Dragonfly33]

Good luck with your new job search STP. Perhaps this is a sign for a chapter in your life. Keep enjoying life as you deserve it.

[STP]

Thanks for the comment Dragonfly33

Journalling

The day after my last post, myself and another dozen were let go at work citing Reduction in Staff. A week later I heard from someone still there the company is being closed down after 95 years in existence. The first 93 years it was family owned, and the new owners clearly were determined to liquidate everything. It was a relief to be out of that miserable place, on what it had sadly become.
Of course I had some dark days evaluating my worth and not knowing the future and when my next employment would come. KA was supportive as were other friends and even XW reached out with some job suggestions. I figured one of my sons told her. KA and I did cancel our DisneyWorld trip that I saved 2 years for and she planned for many months, reading a 400 page book. Perhaps next year? Sigh.
Six interviews at four companies and I’m an employee again. A prepress tech at a printer just over the IN border in IL. I’ve been here 7 days now and like it enough that I can hopefully finish my career here.
I’m still doing my monthly hikes, Monday night kayaking (through end of Sept.) and have my wine party next weekend.

[JohnnyBravo]

Hey, STP

I'm really sorry to hear about your old company. It's a shame to see long-viable businesses just disappear like that. I can imagine that was a tough six weeks. Glad to hear you did find something, so congrats on that! I was wondering if it wasn't too late to un-cancel the Disney trip, but realized you probably need to put some time in at the new place before getting any time off.

Best of luck with the new employer!

JB

[STP]

Thanks for your comment JB

Journalling

I saw on S23s instagram that XW won an Influential Women of NW Indiana award in the Arts category, voted by her peers in businesses run by women. I hadn’t seen a pic of her in a long while and she’s heavier than ever, covered in tattoos and has pink hair. Still in her MLC apparently or living the life of the name she created for herself.

S25s wife sent out address requests to family for their wedding next year. Ya see they got married for her to be on his insurance but never had a public service so that’ll be happening. Happy to see my entire family got invites. There was a time when they weren’t considering inviting any of them, which I attributed to XWs will. Not sure if true but next wear she will get to see my family, 16 years after her first BD and the EA.

I have apple trees and I like to bake. Made nine pies and had a drawing for three. The first free one I delivered to TPB on my way to work as I pass by her townhome on the way. I learned the first time I stopped by to return an item to shut my car off as she’s very inviting having me in. She showed me her new coffee bar and insisted I try a flavored coffee. I don’t drink coffee but it was flavorful. Didn’t care for the hours of aftertaste later and returned her travel mug that evening when I saw her at my kayaking.

Another pie went to the neighbor of blond lawyer friend RB. The neighbor was having a birthday party with a taco food truck. RB told me she still had some apple pie I gave her two years ago frozen-lol and it thawed fine and was edible. She had asked earlier if I could stop by after the dinner as she had some technical questions: not having a thorough understanding of how to share and post photos on Facebook or how to transfer content from an old phone to her new one. Sometimes I wonder if it’s an act or she really is that ditzy? I always say I’m very aware when someone is touching me and sitting beside me she was leaning all over me with her arm and breasts touching me. When we were close to being done on her laptop, I just started rubbing her shoulders which she lapped up saying she hasn’t had anyone to do that to her in years. As I was leaving I gave her a couple hugs from behind and grabbed her. She was like Hey! and I changed the subject and left. I’ve known her 9 years and she’s always been touchy with me when I’ve stopped by to help her with lil problems like changing a difficult to reach lightbulb. Maybe now she will back off.

My red wine party was good. We had 21 open bottles which is a smaller party but it was a good time. KA was super helpful as always and for some reason doesn’t like to be in my end of the night kitchen photo with those who stayed ’til the end like buddy JS. KM asked if I would meet her at the beach this week to take a headshot photo for her new business. I mentioned it to KA and will go Thurs night on way home from work.

Tonight is my last kayaking event as the four month season comes to an end. KA goes to India for ten days for work meetings. I’ll use the time to start decorating for my Halloween party which takes 30 hrs to put out. Sunday is a hike up in Michigan I am leading. Lots of my closest 20 friends attending like JS, TPB and I even invited MM to attend, as it's near her if shes not working.

[STP]

Journalling

There was a traffic accident on the expressway the night after work I went to meet KM to photograph her for her business. The time I got there it was after sunset and she had left. Kinda miffed she couldn't have at least waited before departing with the guy she's seeing. I won't be asking to reschedule.

While rubbing my back on Oct. 1st something popped and I now have a sciatica nerve issue. Horrendous burning pain down my left leg. sigh. It's very painful and constant. I've done stretching and medication. So soon at my new job, I don't have insurance for another month. Seeing a chiropractor for free consultation tomorrow.

Sunday was my out of state hike and I rode with JKR, her bf and bestie TPB. I mentioned this to KA and she just said "Double date" and "No messing around in the back seat." We ended up going a few hours earlier to have breakfast and look for Petoskey stones on the lake. By the order of the pickup I was in the backseat with TPB. She's been my closest woman friend this year. The hike was rugged with 14 attending including buddy JS. There was lunch after and the drive back TPB and I were sharing phone pics and I couldn't help notice but our arms touching for extended amounts of time. Always aware when I'm being touched. I got it out of her one time last year that if I wasn't with KA, she'd be attracted. I decided I was gonna take a break from texting her as it'll be some time before I see her again. The next morning she texted me a photo of this weeks full moon and I admitted I had a sexy dream about her that morning. Got called a bad boy and I can't help what dreams are and under the right circumstances its not a bad thing to be very naughty. Sheesh, this is starting to sound bad. Like I said she's my closest woman friend right now.

Tonight is my last time seeing KA for 12-14 days as she's leaving the country for work. When she returned we will celebrate our combined birthdays (two days apart) with her D13 too. I'll use the time to decorate for Halloween and shop for her.