[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

So good to hear from you and I always enjoy hearing about your marathons since as my doctor stated, "I gave you enough knee to run out of the building if it is on fire."

Please let me know how you like Dublin. I am planning on a trip there and want to know the highlights. You really helped me out with my trip to NYC and I look forward to hearing about your next adventure.

Keep posting and moving forward. You are doing really well.

Happy New Year,

(((Ready)))

[forthetrees]

Looks like Dublin on the horizon will keep you training- that´s the double-edged future marathon entry ticket for ya.

Please do post a celebratory note when CS is done and any surplus is refunded. Then, let the next chapter truly begin.

What a frickin´ long journey you´ve had- longer than any marathon and way more grueling AND... you don´t even get a medal or ribbon at the end. You will hopefully get your certificate of completion for having participated.

May 2026 bring you a healed foot.

[UrsaMajor]

I was in Dublin a few years ago but NOT for running a marathon (unless you want to call singing 4 concerts, including an Evensong mass at St. Stephens Cathedral with a choir in 3 days a marathon) and enjoyed it a lot. Dublin is a beautiful city.

As for the CS, you are almost there..... You've been there, done that, got the T-Shirt and didn't even get a kiss out of the deal.... but, there is a light at the end of the tunnel which is NOT, in this case, an oncoming MLC train.....

[FaithWalker]

Nice to come on and read an update from you Watcher.  The CS is almost done!  The marathon's are inspiring, and sounds like great sights to see along the way as well.  Ireland is on my bucket list.

[Watcher]

Hi Ready, FTT, UrsaMajor, FaithWalker.

So my BD was in July 2015. I joined the forum in January 2016 and somewhere along the way I befriended a woman on the forum. We were both married and standing. She knows the exact moment. Not I.

We would PM each other still anonymously and I gave her support as she began divorce proceedings in her situation. We fastly became friends and I always made her laugh. We eventually knew each other's first names but that was all.

In April 2017 I was working in Virginia Beach and we exchanged phone numbers to make things easier. Well after a couple of 3 hour phone calls with her I chose text messaging.

Her divorce became final somewhere in 2017 so she was on a different path than me. I was still in an abusive marriage and would be for sometime.

In April 2018 my therapist had encouraged me to meet her. I had been talking about her for awhile. So I made arrangements to see this forum woman. Neither one of us had any clue what the other looked like.

I had a long drive, got stuck behind the largest tractor I had ever seen in my life, and missed her house by a few miles before she redirected me.

I pulled up to her driveway and there she stood in hi heels, jeans, a Metallica t shirt and 1980"s rocker hair. I said to myself, WTF are you doing here Watcher before I took a leap and exited the car.

It was her birthday weekend so I took her out to dinner. I was crazy nervous and I know she was herself. I have subsequently met 2 other forum people in RL and there is also just a normalcy and calmness when doing so.

Of course I met her son, daughter and parents immediately and ran into her x. I mean way to apply the pressure immediately.

We floated in and out of each other's lives at times throughout 2018 and 2019 which were horrible years for me. We both could get mad reading the others thread.

I am pretty sure she was seeing someone and part of me hoped her x would come back or she would find a bf. I know she really liked me and she was really upset that I kept going back to my abusive situation.

So we took breaks. Sometimes 3-4 months with no contact. I carried that stigma of still being married/not divorced. How could I see her again I always thought.

Sometimes she would show back up via a text and I told God many times, "I told you I don't want this one". Well God had other ideas.

So in March 2019 I was in Minnesota for a concert and I no longer had her number because we both deleted them since we were not on speaking terms for 4 months.

So I had to PM her and ask her for her number again. I mean PM's are great but they can be the Pony Express if one is not on line.

She was there for me throughout my divorce. Once I filed I felt more comfortable seeing her again a few times more before the Pandemic hit.

By now I met her entire family. She had strong feelings for me and I really didn't know what I was doing. She was the woman whom I was talking to. There was no one else.

Honestly I never thought we would work because of the distance. I remember in 2021 she texted me and said we had now known each other 5 years and I froze. I was at a Luke Combs concert so that became the Luke Combs moment because I felt pressure.

We were really good friends and she was in love. OMG. We had only seen each other 5 times over 4 years. I really couldn't offer her more because I was getting beaten up in divorce.

So in 2022 we were in her sisters backyard and she said, Watcher, I really like you, however I would like to see you more than once a year. I said to myself jokingly, oh wow you are real demanding.

So I know she was getting tired and I made an effort to see her more. She always marks this as our official start time and it's a bone of contention for me currently because I thought we were already together but I never said anything. I just thought she knew.

I do have a hard time reconciling those first 4 years because we just see them differently. She didn't know what I wanted and she wasn't waiting for me so those are murky years especially for me. A little hard for me at the moment to wrap my head around with certain issues of that timeframe

Well we know each other 10 years now and no pressure this time but I have been feeling cold feet in other areas but we have been talking about it.

We have an incredible time together. We thoroughly enjoy each other's company. We laugh. I drag her everywhere. Concerts, marathons, museums etc... She drags me everywhere.

She said I can out her, but I'm not going to out her. If I say where she drags me then most likely it will out her, lol.

So I did have a happy ending. Not the way I imagined it when first joining the forum but I wouldn't change the path I was on. I landed a wonderful woman and I am very fortunate to have her in my life. There is no one else I would rather enjoy spending time with on our adventures.

[Watcher]

Well she is vehemently denying ever owning a Metallica t shirt and says I must have been in some other woman's driveway.

I know on paper it looked like I was going back to my xw in 2018 and 2019. In reality I knew what was going to happen. I was going to lose my son's and that's exactly what ended up happening. So I really went back for their sake and I failed to save them.

That is a hole in my heart that cannot be repaired. I haven't seen nor heard from them since 2021 and 2022 respectively. She shut it down when my custody rights expired.

CS did finally end in March without much fanfare and I have no clue if either one ever finished college. I was never asked for tuition money. Meanwhile I really have no clue where they live.

Meanwhile the bill collectors have started to swirl this summer looking for her.

So this forum woman and I had a difficult 2018-2022. I always pushed her away. I really didn't trust women anymore. LOL, I trusted Thunder. She was the only one. OMG I could talk to her everyday all day long. I really love Thunder. Always have.

I was really scared to get into a relationship with this forum woman meanwhile we never had a problem with communication. We had been talking since 2016.

So I needed her to be the pursuer. I was never going to pursue. A woman could have fallen out of a tree and landed on me and I may have still not noticed.

So when she said she wanted to be in a relationship with me back in May 2022 I was ready to try with her. I have seen her every month since and our time together has always ranged between 4-12 days at a time.

Yes I use all my work leave on her and it can be an expense travel wise but she is so worth it.

Its not really ideal but we live far apart. At least 5+ hours. I finally have gotten tired of the distance and told her I will begin to file paperwork at work to transfer towards her. We will be 1 hour and 30 minutes apart which is much better.

I want to spend more time with her so that is my impetus. I miss her terribly on the weekends. I love taking her out and spending time with her on our adventures.

She knows I have a lot of regret about 2018-2022. I never told her how I felt. Logically I know there was nothing more I could do. I had to end the marriage and go through the nasty divorce process and it just took time unfortunately.

We did have plans in 2020 but the pandemic shut us down. Meanwhile I spent 2021 with my sons because that's the only year I had any custody.

I could never stand that time word. Never did. We were talking about it last night and I think the distance did help us though. I could not imagine actually living in her proximity and going through this divorce process. It would have been maddening.

I felt compelled to meet her in April 2018 and now I am feeling compelled to finally move towards her. We are both very excited and a bit impatient now as it will take some time to get it approved at work.

[Watcher]

She will kill me for sharing this story but I don't care. A lot of people behind the scenes on the forum and in real life thought she was nuts for holding out hope for me but no one knew my motivations regarding this forum woman.

Again we got along great as friends for 2 years and I was extremely flirty with her lol. I took a chance for the 11th time in November 2018 to go back home and attempt to salvage anything and it lasted 27 days before I was kicked out for the 11th time.

Yes the forum woman was hurt and she was tired of seeing me on this vicious cycle as were other members of the forum. So we stopped talking and she began seeing someone and I had to eat humble pie for months because I certainly couldn't bother her now since she was having fun.

I tried again April/May 2019 and was thrown out again the night before our son's graduation and I was devastated. I called several people that night standing in my dark backyard at like 2 in the morning. I had no one answer and I never felt so alone.

The next morning forum woman reached out to me and she stayed with me the entire graduation just texting me. I never would have made it through the ceremony without her.

So a week passed and my x immediately hit me with a court order so I took that as a declaration of war and I filed for divorce finally. Maybe 2 years too late.

Meanwhile all along forum woman was really ticking me off with her posts. I had enough of eating humble pie and who she was seeing and also how every man in the world was drawn to her like a magnet 🧲 bla bla bla.....

So one night I went out with my coworkers to a Dierks Bentley concert and was plied with a vodka lemonade in one hand and a jack and coke in the other all night long. I remember the last song from that night. Everything else was a blur.

So the next day forum woman says I was very inappropriate with her that night via text and I said well what did I say. She repeated what I had said and I replied, oh that's exactly what I want to do to you, lol.

I know she was seeing someone but she was still talking to me 

So it continued with her seeing this guy and I had enough finally. I wanted to see her again and I was like WTF are you going to do to get her attention Watcher. I work out and know I look good so I didn't fight fair. After I filed I sent forum woman a full size nude photo of myself 😂.

She was shocked and asked why I had sent it. I simply replied I was reintroducing myself to her and btw I am now available, lol.

So I placed all the pressure on her shoulders. I put my nude cards on the table  . Her choice.

It took us time to navigate getting to know each other in 2019, then the pandemic hit in 2020 ,which really extended into 2021, and I also had custody finally in 2021.

So that's why I could not really see her from 2018 thru 2021.

Finally we chose each other in 2022. A firetrucking long journey for that forum woman and me but I give her all the credit for always having hope   

[Watcher]

After BD it's like detoxing from a drug. It's a long slow process coming off of it. It leaves a constant craving. It is kind of always there constantly stirring in your thoughts and heart, through bouts of anxiety, doubt, hurt, confusion, sadness etc.....

I met my x at age 16 and then I met forum woman at age 44. That is my female history and I have already outlined our long 10 year journey getting here to this point.

I was craving female interaction after BD and the forum really fed that need. I loved interacting with women on my thread or simply reading their threads. Behind the scenes Thunder was probably my best friend in life and I never have met her. We just simply clicked and I really felt safe with her. I needed safety.

With forum woman we just developed a banter with each other that could be very funny. Yes I could push the envelope with her at times but it wasn't straight out the gate. It developed over time as we grew comfortable with each other those first two years.

Forum woman could be assertive and I wasn't used to that I think. I was slow. I mean really slow. She would be the first to tell you I was so slow lol. Tbh I was really scared but she was able to get me out of my shell as we talked in those early years.

Yes I was craving sex like most people. I think our banter fed that need for me. Hence I never sought out anyone for sex plus I threw all my energy into exercise and running which helped quell any sexual desires. I was too damn tired all the time lol. So I also then had no desire to really meet a woman.

Oh I definitely loved talking to forum woman. I never was big on communication prior to her. Again we did take breaks from one another. Sometimes days, weeks or even months. It depended on which level of pissed off at each other we could reach.

Yes the forum was a blessing because we met however it could be a curse because we read each other's thread lol. Yes in hindsight I was very immature at times and I have been clearing the air with her a lot recently about that timeframe.

So when I met her the first time we went hiking, to a museum and dinner. It was over two days so I'm probably missing something. However, I was craving that type of time with a woman. I loved spending time with her that weekend.

Once in awhile I got a word in but boy can she talk lol. So I became a great listener, lol. I needed that too. She filled a lot of female cravings that I just needed. Basic interaction and communication.

I met her parents on the 2nd day. Her mom had a shocked look on her face and wanted to know my intentions for her daughter. OMG I was so effn scared and nervous lady lol. She had no clue all the encouragement and confidence it took to get me there that weekend. Her mom saw a "man" lol.

I think a lot of times women just see "oh he's a guy" warning. Meanwhile I was just as damaged as forum woman but I understood it was her daughter.

So I told her my intentions for that weekend which I already stated. She asked me if I had kids. I think she asked if I was still married. I believe forum woman had already prepared her parents ahead of time and explained my situation. Yes my married status bothered me a lot and I didn't want to embarrass forum woman with it.

So I promised her mom that I would never come between forum woman and her children. I told her that I knew being a mom was forum woman's priority and I would never get in the way of that and I never have.

Yes I have been frustrated at times about her mom status because she has responsibilities that I just don't have. I have more freedom of movement then she has at times.

During those 4years of 2018-2021 we never told each other how we felt about the other. Well I knew how she felt but I never told her. Again I knew I liked her but I fell in love with her way later lol.

I can say I did not love her 2018-2021. I saw her 5 times over 4 years and it just felt normal to see her. Like oh here I am forum woman. Never realizing that she had her own life and own wants and needs. I wish she had been blunt with me back then but she kind of skirted around the issue herself.

She keeps saying she didnt know what I wanted and I keep replying, well what do you think I was attempting to do here. Yes I wanted a relationship lol.

So she was in love already somewhere in that timeframe. I remember she told me she loved me at some point and I was in my head like , holy sh!t why did you go and say that lol

Again she really scared me at the  Luke Combs concert Dec 2021 with her 5 year friendship anniversary for us lol.

I was just mentioning to her how at her sister's house in May 2022 she was so blunt with me. Like hey I want to see you more. Hey I want a relationship with you. I could be dating someone here you know. That type of thing. Almost angry in a way but maybe she was just really passionate about it as she told me.

I told her the other day I wish she would have done that sooner. That's what I needed to hear. I needed her to take the lead. I was never going to tell her how I felt. Yes she had to lead me for quite awhile because I was just not ready.

[Watcher]

Back in July I had a work opportunity in her area and we were both excited about it. It would only have been for a few days but I would have been able to take her out to dinner. Unfortunately I didn't get selected so we were disappointed even though we would be seeing each other in August.

Again I always make sure we have plans and we are pretty consistent with seeing each other monthly. I think our longest stretch apart was 8 weeks around the London Marathon in 23. One time she canceled on me last minute because she was sick. Now we can't even handle being a couple of days apart. The weekends are really hard. I do work weekends sometimes.

So our disappointment really led to deep conversations and I really asked her some personal questions and she took a chance with her answers. I really appreciate blunt honesty above all even if it can hurt. So it drew us incredibly closer together when we met in August.

My supervisor committed suicide while I was away in Tokyo 25. Work made sure no one told me while I was away. I naturally turned on my work phone when I got back home just to check in and really was blindsided when I saw the initial suicide message. It didn't seem real.

So at that point I was done working in NYC. I knew him over 20 years and I would have worked with him forever. Every January we are allowed to put in for a transfer. Well he killed himself in February so I had to wait til 2026. I put in for a transfer to New Jersey where I live never considering I could move near her.

As a side bar, Oh I'm not big on "dating" or "girlfriend" or labels. She knows that. She uses boyfriend regularly because she has to call me something I guess. One time her sister introduced me to her friends and she said oh this is my sister's boyfriend, but she had a confused look on her face, is it ok to call you her boyfriend Watcher. I just laughed and said that's what your sister calls me.

Well the transfers are frozen in 2026 which helps me because now I can just make my change in January and hopefully the freeze will be lifted.

IDK sometimes things do happen for a reason. There was an action that propelled me to leave NYC and transfer. Then there was an action that prevented that transfer from happening. I would have had to work 3 years in New Jersey had it been processed.

So I left August just feeling so differently about her. I was only home 2 days when I explained the transfer process and my plans. I never told her I even put in for a transfer to New Jersey at the start of 2026 however she did know I was done with NYC.

So we are both excited on that front and have already been looking at apartments for me and we will still be a little over an hour apart but much more manageable.

Then I let her know that I was having an engagement ring designed. IDK. I don't believe she thinks I was serious because the more I talked about it she kept responding , wow you really are serious about this ring business, lol.

I initially gave her a timeframe of one year just so she wouldn't see it coming with the date I had chosen. Well I changed the date because I don't want to make her wait. I have made her wait for me a lot.

She's excited. IDK if she really believes it yet. She is not used to me being this way. I mean she is the one who basically laid down the law back in 22 and asked me out lol. OMG I had to give her an answer that day. I think she was ready to move on lol. She was so passionate reading me the riot act that day. I have to admit she really turned me on that day lol.

I know the place I will give it her. It holds meaning to us. We also have a plan. I have laid out my intentions. I'm not pressuring her nor her kids. I hope no one puts any pressure on her. We have steps that we still just have to take and the next one, after I propose, is getting me to move there.

I think I'm ok with fiance or wife. Yes I have told her that I would love to marry her one day when we are both ready. She did say she would love to be Mrs Watcher someday so that's a positive she may just accept the ring  lol. Keeping my fingers crossed 🤞