[Evermore]

Thank you so much for your thoughts T, as always. I’ve carefully considered my options, and I’ll continue to do so going forward. At this stage I’m happy to keep the joint account and the joint health insurance as it benefits my girls to have the family cover and for their dad to be contributing. Once they turn 25 they’ll no longer be on the policy and I will make the changes then to separate the family policy. I know people have different views on this than me but this works for me. It’s not stalling my emotional recovery to continue this link with him. I am forever linked through our children and our family, because his family is truly my family as well (and also the reason I will always find out what he is doing, our osmotic grapevine is strong). It might be easier to detach and start a new life if I didn’t have such close ties with his family. But that’s not my reality. And as we all know, we need to work with the way things are. I know it must seem odd to people who aren’t so close to their in laws. Again with this I’ve considered my options and I’m ok with the current situation. I’m definitely on the right track for me. Thanks again for your thoughts. I’m not dismissing them in any way and they help me to plan ahead. It’s just not time yet. I’m sure there will come a time to disentangle further. It’s just not that time yet for me.

[Reinventing]

Evermore, they really do have to blow up every part of their lives, don't they? Sounds like he had a really good job that he used to like.

[Treasur]

Makes complete sense, Ever.
You know what works best for you and when/if you feel ready to do anything differently. X

[Evermore]

Evermore, they really do have to blow up every part of their lives, don't they? Sounds like he had a really good job that he used to like.

They sure seem to. He had a really good life that he used to like as well. Threw that away too. 

[MadLuv]

It might be easier to detach and start a new life if I didn’t have such close ties with his family. But that’s not my reality.

  evermore, I have stayed in contact with my XH family. They live in another state, but the one my kids were born in which we have season tickets to NFL games. I invite them to a game or meet up with them. My XH hasn’t made any attempts except a holiday text to stay in contact with them. I have told my X-BIL that I understand that my XH is his brother, but my kids are his niece and nephew as our his kids my kids cousins. As long as I can get them all together I will do so. If at any point my XH decides to engage and I need to step back then I will.

 My XH brother and family are coming for a weekend this summer and staying with me. It was his kids first choice when they asked them where they wanted to go when school out.  It does sometimes give me some anxiety moments as I know XH should be there and it is odd, but I have made it very clear that there are no sides. I want my XH to reconnect with everyone. I am just trying to keep the family connected the best I can and I know at some point my XH if he remains with OW then he will have to introduce her and her kids. My SIL said. i have no desire to meet her ( that was music to my ears if I’m honest)

My Dad did the same. I would not have seen my cousins or relatives on my Moms side after she left in her MLC if it weren’t for my Dad. He also had built decades of relationships with my Moms family and he loved them. So, I think as long as there is still love why should you cut people out. Everything can and should be determined by what it brings you and if it ever gets uncomfortable then you can change your contact then. I am all for living with the NOW!!

[Evermore]

MLuv, sorry I didn't reply earlier. Thanks for sharing that you're also close with your in-laws. I am also living with the now. But boy it's hard sometimes.

A couple of weeks ago I helped SIL1 move FIL into what was to be 4 weeks respite care. He's nearly 97 and has been living alone in a small unit. Lately he's not been taking very good care of himself (he's one of those 'I'm fine, I can look after myself!' type people who finds people helping him embarrassing) and he's now very frail. So SIL1 arranged for this respite care that could possibly lead to a permanent move into assisted/nursing home care if he chose. He has previously been adamant that he didn't want to go into care but after a few episodes where he had no choice but to accept help with things like dressing (eg couldn't pull his pants up to dress to go out and I needed to help him), he decided he quite liked the idea of a 'holiday' in respite. The day we moved him over I was a bit emotional driving to the care home. But when we arrived and set him all up in his lovely big room and he was so happy there, I was feeling much better about it. I think I was emotional because it's one of those significant life-stage things isn't it, going into care. One step closer for him, kinda thing.

He decided that day to stay permanently and we're all very relieved. That has meant giving notice on his unit and having to clear it out and clean it. Despite having government-provided cleaners into the unit several times a week, it was always still pretty cluttered and grotty. I went to SIL2's yesterday evening to see her (she's been away for 3 weeks) and walk the dogs. She let me know that there's a family chat conversation (that SIL1 instigated) about going there Saturday to clear things out and clean. So as usual I get that 'left-out/things hidden' feeling/trigger. One of those hard things I was referring to about still being so close to the in-laws. 

I asked SIL2 who was in the group to check if my kids were so I could make sure they saw the messages (they mute family chats most of the time, as young people do, they don't care for all the oldies bantering about things they're not interested in  ). As usual I also wondered if the OW was included in the group chat. I KNOW I should mind my business and should learn to be OK with her being included in that type of family thing. But I still find it painful. I would like to find out that she's NOT included, because then I feel better. But when I find out she IS included I feel squirmy and hurt. I just keep trying to work on dealing with these feelings. If I want to continue the relationships with my in-laws I know I need to just learn to live with these feelings. the alternative is NC with them and I know that's not what I want (and I know they don't want that either). It's a crappy situation and we're all dealing with it the best we can. 

I had already arranged with SIL1 to go today and help her clear some stuff away (pre-SIL2 telling me about the Sat chat thing). So we did that and there were more little triggering things I had to deal with. H has been there clearing out some of the books. All the family photos that were up have been taken across to FIL's new home... except the couple that had me in them (one very old one of H and me and one of H, me and the girls). I felt squirmy about it and didn't know if it was Hs doing or someone else. I felt compelled to ask SIL1 but also felt bad for 'making it all about me' (SIL1 is feeling a bit pressured and strained about the move, I'm sure for the same reason I was emotional about it the day we moved FIL).

I know in the bigger scheme these little things don't matter. But I'm sentimental and very much value the relationship I have with FIL. It gave me those 'abandoned' vibes to have my photos left behind. I did ask SIL1 about whether I should take them across and asked gently why they were left behind. She said she was the one that had taken the others. She said she didn't feel up to dealing with the politics involved and thought it easier to leave to someone else to decide about the ones with me in them. I would guess that's because OW will be involved in the moving etc and whilst she loves me and doesn't want to hurt me, she also loves her brother and doesn't want to hurt/offend him either. None of this is easy to navigate for anyone right now.

The other thing that had me feeling sad this arvo was simply the throwing away of so much of FILs life. He was a person who saved every receipt, diary and scrap of paper (not important life journaling, just records of Dr appointments and cleaning lady visits etc for YEARS). He can't take it with him and no one wants all that stuff so in the bin it all goes. Plus there were many books, ornaments and other things that, although they're not actually junk, no one wants. So in the bin with all that as well. It made me recall how traumatised I felt (feel, really) about my H so casually throwing his life, OUR life, away. Because it no longer had any value to him. It's all so hard still to come to terms with. Our life together was just so so valuable TO ME. It's so devastating still to know I am the only one that feels that now.

As I said, I know these are just temporary flash-back feelings and I will again move forward and get through all these squirmy feelings. Nothing else to be done. I just wanted to tell people that I know will understand how sad I'm feeling right now.

[Evermore]

Journaling:

I've just found out that I'll be going full time at my 'real job' as of July. So yay!

I was 0.8 (4 days a week, 8 days a fortnight) at this job (where I've been for over 28 years). Post-BD I needed extra income (at that stage I was 0.7) so got another 0.3 job to make me up to FT. It's been a great job but compared to my 'real job' I find it kinda boring. I have been aiming for FT at my 'real job' for several years (but as it's a Not For Profit and due to the nature of the business, it wasn't surprising that they couldn't afford to give me extra days over Covid). SO I'm really happy to finally be back to FT (I used to be FT many years ago but dropped down to part time when I had kids, and they weren't in a position to give me FT again until now).

What surprised me a little was that I've been a bit sad to have to resign my 'other job'. I mean, it's what I wanted, so I should just be completely happy, right? I think though that these days any form of big new 'loss', even when I've been the one to instigate the loss, is a little distressing. It's not a major thing but I find it interesting the tentacles that so much loss extends forward into our lives. I'm not the same person and I view the world differently these days. I know it's the same for most of us. I've always been a sentimental person but now it's more than just sentiment that makes me want to hang on tight to things that had importance even when they are no longer needed. It's about safely and security now (that little Lucy the Lizard brain that T talks about that's always trying to KEEP US SAFE!!).

Anyhoo... I told my manager at my 'other job' today that I couldn't stay on as of July. I said I'd tried of think of a way to squeeze some hours in so that I could continue on, even for a few days a month, but that all I could offer was one day a month (well, one day every 4 weeks) because I would be getting a Paid Day Off once a month at my 'real job' now that I would be FT. My manager jumped at the chance to keep me on, ticking through the work I've been doing for the past 3.5 years. So double yay. I'm really happy about this solution. It makes me feel safer to have the two jobs and not to have to lose my 'other job' completely.

Re H, same old, same old. Right now he's 'very far away' with very little contact. But of course I still osmotically now what he's up to through the family telegraph. He's apparently got another new job (I've completely lost count now on how many different jobs he's had since BD, but it'd be getting close to 10 I think). He hadn't paid his portion of the family health insurance for the past 3 months but did pay one lot the other day, so it looks like he's getting back on track. The being 'very far away' I know is mostly because he is embarrassed about not having the money to pay his portion. In true MLCer style, rather than just letting me know that he'd be behind for a bit because he was 'between jobs' he just said nothing (and didn't reply to my reminder texts - this never happens, he always usually replies). He's a silly man. But I miss him nonetheless.

In a couple of weeks there's a party for BIL (H's brother) 60th. It'll be another of those family functions that I badly want to attend even though there are triggers galore. I will make it work as it's better than the alternative. *sigh* On we toddle!

[MadLuv]

Congratulations on your job!! I get it is hard to give up the other job. It was part of your security in your life.  Not surprising on your H not communicating non-payment. Mine missed his alimony one week a couple months ago and said nothing. On day 5 I messaged and said do we beed to talk? And he called and his first words were. Yeah, I couldn’t make the payment. Ahh, duh? Hahaha     
They are avoidant beyond!!

[Evermore]

Just journalling.

The Ugly:
The party for BILs 60th birthday was a lovely time... until it wasn't (just for me, everyone else had a great time so that's good). It was a weekend long thing where we all went away to a fabulous, and huge, resort/house that is owned by SIL2's good friend. It's the same place we celebrated FILs 90th 7 years ago. That was before MLC but looking back it was definitely in the ramping up phase because xH was already distant and 'not quite himself' on that weekend. I noted it at the time but didn't realise the significance. So fast forward to now and we're at the same place. The (SIL2 hatched) plan was that I would attend on the Friday night and because OW was working all day on the Saturday, I would also stay for the Saturday day and leave early evening (before she got there). XH was going to be arriving mid-afternoon. D22 was going to be there with me on the Friday night and stay the Sat night as well (so she could see her dad, and Sat night was THE celebration when many other people were coming as well, D24 was supposed to go down on the Sunday (but that didn't eventuate)).

It was a really lovely night on the Friday night. Just me, D22BIL and SIL2 and 3 of their 4 kids (plus nephew's partner and her kids). Great night of eating and drinking and music and chatting. Sat morning we walked down to the beach (the massive house is set on over 100 acres on a cliff top right on the beach). Crazy SIL2 and x2 nieces even swam, haha (remembering I'm in southern Aus and it's middle of winter here so bloody freezing). We played board games and did a jigsaw puzzle together and the boys played some guitar. Just some lovely family time. There was an unexpected trip home (1 hour away) to go get Freddie (my dog) in the middle of the Friday night and another trip to drop him back home Saturday morning which was annoying but also funny, and it just added to the fun we were having (D22 came with me, it was nice).

XH arrived at 3pm (he'd said he was going to come at 2 but whatever, I would have been shocked if he'd turned up when he said he would! LOL). It was fine but weird. He came over and gave me the weird, wooden, sidewise-on 'polite' hug that I get these days when others are around. What became so weird to me after that was that here we were again in that same place that we had all been when we were still a WE. But instead I was in one of the rooms that had 3 single beds (D22 in another of them), and there was a double room put aside for the new 'WE', xH and OW (kinda across the hall from my room). We were all doing family stuff but I wasn't there with MY 'WE' family anymore and instead OW was going to be coming and sharing that room with him. It just all felt so WRONG.

And then at about 4pm the nephew's partner (only been with nephew 6 months so never around when I was with xH) said to me "Oh xH is here... but where is OW, is she here now as well?" The look of shock on my face was mirrored seconds later by the look of horror on hers when she realised what (and who) she'd asked. She's only known them as a couple and didn't twig for a second that I was who I was. She immediately apologised but I started to feel really anxious. XH was obviously (not just to me, SIL2 commented on it to me afterwards) staying out of my space on purpose. Which was fine but it felt like we both had these invisible force fields around each of us that pushed the other into other spaces as we moved around the house. It all felt a bit disjointed and weird.

At about 5pm other family/people started to arrive for the party that night. I started then to feel really anxious and like I wanted to leave. There was so obviously a pre-party vibe starting to happen and it made me feel yuck knowing I was having to leave the party so OW could arrive. So I went to the room I was staying in to get my things together. SIL2 was in there with a couple of friends who had recently arrived. She was showing them the room and telling them "Ever is going home soon because OW is coming so you can have this room". It's a funny shaped room (the whole house has weird angles all over so that each room has beautiful views over the ocean) with a long corridor bit as you enter formed by going past the ensuite. I was in that bit when SIL2 was talking (which is how I heard and why she didn't know I was there); and there were people in the hallway behind me (because everyone was bustling about going to their rooms). I felt trapped so ducked into the ensuite and burst into tears. I heard the woman with SIL2 say, 'oh so this is the bathroom' and then she opened the door. In horror I just looked at her sobbing and shut the door in her face.

After that I pulled it together enough to grab all my stuff and do a quick whip round to say goodbye/thank you to those that I needed to (not xH), and then skedaddled out of there! Sobbed all the way home, went straight to bed and cried myself to sleep. I really hadn't expected to have been so affected by having to leave. After all I've been having to do this for nearly 5 years now. I think the difference was that normally I'm leaving in the middle of a party (rather than feeling like I was being chucked out before it even began) and normally he's not there yet (and there's not a room there waiting for OW  ).

The Good:
The next day I had a first date with a very nice man (M). I've been seeing quite a bit of him since and I think I can see this relationship going somewhere good. It already feels quite 'solid' even though there's been no verbal acknowledgement from either of us about that. It just feels like a 'done deal' that we are exclusively seeing each other and will continue to see each other. I've met his 12yo son (who's adorable and ran up and gave me a hug when we met); and he's met my best (non-family) friend, and SIL1, BIL and xSIL, (isn't at all phased by how close I am to my X-inlaws). I've been feeling quite conflicted about all this, but the feeling is lessening and I'm just allowing myself to feel all the feelings and just going with whatever eventuates.

The Bad? (I'm not sure this is bad... maybe just an inevitable passage I need to travel):
I am feeling grief. Grief that if I go ahead with this relationship, and make a commitment, it will require giving up the option of having a relationship again with xH. It feels like a very big step indeed. The happy feelings I have when I spend time with M (he really is a very nice man) don't make me love or miss xH any less. But I KNOW I would be a fool after nearly 5 years to not take a chance of a new beginning with someone that really likes me, that I really like as well. There has been no movement towards me again after last year's blip from xH (I am getting better at calling him that). So I am open and honest with M about how I am feeling (we are taking it slowly but steadily forward). And I guess we will just see how it all unravels. I'm sure there are many more emotions yet that I will have to go through to get to the other side of feeling like this. I feel like I'm doing the right thing for me. The ache of missing xH is still there. I know it will whisper in my ear for a while yet. I will just acknowledge that part of me, and pat it, and hug it... but also move towards what my head says is the sensible road.

[UrsaMajor]

Hi Ever,

Yeah, that whole party thing is kind of ... well.... strange. I'd be surprised if it didn't take a whack at your nerves.

As far as xH goes and him being unhappy in his new life... Well, ... what can one say? His choices, his consequences.....

In terms of M and the future, it may not lessen the feelings for xH but, at the same time, there often (not always though) comes a point where the LBS decides that they wish to move forward with their lives and get involved in another relationship. That doesn't mean that they love the person formerly known as "Spouse" any less but they do realize that said person no longer exists and the likelihood that there will be a "new and improved" version coming out diminishes with the passing of time... so we grow forward in our lives in ways that feel right and good to each of us...