[xyzcf]

I read your post and felt sadness. You had to leave before she arrives...and yet, you have done nothing wrong. Totally get why you would have tears. Nothing about this is the way we wanted it to be.

I am feeling grief. Grief that if I go ahead with this relationship, and make a commitment, it will require giving up the option of having a relationship again with xH. It feels like a very big step indeed. The happy feelings I have when I spend time with M (he really is a very nice man) don't make me love or miss xH any less.

There is no timetable for grief. The ability to recognize that grief and embrace life shows that we are healing. They were gone a long time ago and have repeatedly shown us that they do not want us....which for me is a hard thing to understand..intellectually I get it but the heart is a different matter.

I find the loneliness of not having a significant other in my life is  hard. Most of us I think are meant to share our lives with another. You have allowed yourself to open that door and maybe, this new chapter will bring you a good and enjoyable life. Doesn't mean you will forget your husband or not still bare the wounds of what happened....but healing can happen...and new love is possible.

Thanks for bringing us up to date.

[MadLuv]

Wow Evermore,

First give yourself soooooo much credit for making it through that situation/visit. I can’t even imagine honestly. This is all so difficult and I journaled recently on my XBIL and family coming and the first day just feeling so off and uncomfortable for me and that was without XH and OW/wife. It’s just not natural.

On dating. I still can’t. Not because I am not open to it or because of my XH, but the thought of untangling someone else with all my trust issues now seems daunting. I also don’t think dating closes the door for anything in the future if it is meant to be, but I do get that maybe for you ( a normal person thinking rationally ) that if you open your heart to someone else it would be hard to turn back. That is probably why we see OW or OM as our H or W being done, but of course they are not rational right now and are living on escape and emotions and not true feeling.

I feel like most of us that we were cheated of the partnership we had and deserved and we should have that. It’s just not so easy to start over ever and in this situation it makes it even harder. I think it’s great you found someone that is being so kind and patient with you. Letting you lead at a pace that you can handle. He sounds like a winner.

[Evermore]

I read your post and felt sadness. You had to leave before she arrives...and yet, you have done nothing wrong. Totally get why you would have tears. Nothing about this is the way we wanted it to be.

I am feeling grief. Grief that if I go ahead with this relationship, and make a commitment, it will require giving up the option of having a relationship again with xH. It feels like a very big step indeed. The happy feelings I have when I spend time with M (he really is a very nice man) don't make me love or miss xH any less.

There is no timetable for grief. The ability to recognize that grief and embrace life shows that we are healing. They were gone a long time ago and have repeatedly shown us that they do not want us....which for me is a hard thing to understand..intellectually I get it but the heart is a different matter.

I find the loneliness of not having a significant other in my life is  hard. Most of us I think are meant to share our lives with another. You have allowed yourself to open that door and maybe, this new chapter will bring you a good and enjoyable life. Doesn't mean you will forget your husband or not still bare the wounds of what happened....but healing can happen...and new love is possible.

Thanks for bringing us up to date.

Thank you XYZ, as always I'm grateful for your reply.

Our hearts are funny old things aren't they. It doesn't matter what we tell them to do they have minds of their own. 

My head knows new love is possible and that's why I'm moving forward as I am. My heart is currently divided. It will sort itself out, I am very resilient.

Re your words "They were gone a long time ago and have repeatedly shown us that they do not want us", I think the problem is that there are many signs that he does want to continue having a relationship with me. I know he is not indifferent to me. I know he still loves and cares about me. But I also know that, right now, he is not interested in spending any time with me and doesn't care what I am doing. What I DON'T know is if that will ever change. I've never been a gambler and think (my head talking) I'd be a fool to gamble my future. I always knew this might happen (that I might meet someone and have to make this decision), I told xH right at the start that the people I felt most sorry for were the future 'US'. The him that realised what he had thrown away; and the me that said 'sorry, you took too long'. Of course this relationship with M is not guaranteed. And it might fizzle out. But it feels even at this very early stage like it will be something that will last a while (which is just how I felt at the start with xH). I guess we will see.

What has surprised me, but at the same time not surprised me at all  is all the emotions that are swirling around in me. I feel all churned up and yet peaceful at the same time. Peaceful in my mind because I know I'm doing the right thing for myself. All the swirly stuff is coming from my poor little heart that is so so sad still at the loss of something so important.

[Evermore]

Hi Ever,

Yeah, that whole party thing is kind of ... well.... strange. I'd be surprised if it didn't take a whack at your nerves.

As far as xH goes and him being unhappy in his new life... Well, ... what can one say? His choices, his consequences.....

In terms of M and the future, it may not lessen the feelings for xH but, at the same time, there often (not always though) comes a point where the LBS decides that they wish to move forward with their lives and get involved in another relationship. That doesn't mean that they love the person formerly known as "Spouse" any less but they do realize that said person no longer exists and the likelihood that there will be a "new and improved" version coming out diminishes with the passing of time... so we grow forward in our lives in ways that feel right and good to each of us...

Thank you as always UM. Yes, I am trying to cautiously grow forward. As I said above, I know it's the right thing for me. As the great Bernard Fanning sings: "Well, life has a way that's unpredictable. But you can't stand and wait in on a miracle"

Speaking of Bernard, perfect song right now: https://genius.com/Bernard-fanning-yesterdays-gone-lyrics

And yes, his choices, his consequences. SIL2 said to me the other day that she feels like it's only recently that he's really understood what he has done (to me, to the girls, to the family) and what he has lost. But she also thinks that he has decided that he has made his bed and that he will just have to lie in it. I'm not sure what she bases that feeling on (I didn't ask). She was the one that not long after he left told me that it was serendipity and that he'd just fallen out of love with me and in love with someone else, and that that happens sometimes. Interesting that she has now changed her tune. I think it's likely because he has clearly not improved his life and the happy happy has long faded. As I've said before, I think it's possible that sometimes a MLCer will make a new life that is just 'good enough' that they prefer to continue on with that life rather than go through everything they would have to go through to turn back. If the new life is 'good enough' that they don't hit that rock bottom, it seems possible that they'll just skate along near bottom for a good long while. Sad but, it is what it is. 

[Evermore]

Wow Evermore,

First give yourself soooooo much credit for making it through that situation/visit. I can’t even imagine honestly. This is all so difficult and I journaled recently on my XBIL and family coming and the first day just feeling so off and uncomfortable for me and that was without XH and OW/wife. It’s just not natural.

On dating. I still can’t. Not because I am not open to it or because of my XH, but the thought of untangling someone else with all my trust issues now seems daunting. I also don’t think dating closes the door for anything in the future if it is meant to be, but I do get that maybe for you ( a normal person thinking rationally ) that if you open your heart to someone else it would be hard to turn back. That is probably why we see OW or OM as our H or W being done, but of course they are not rational right now and are living on escape and emotions and not true feeling.

I feel like most of us that we were cheated of the partnership we had and deserved and we should have that. It’s just not so easy to start over ever and in this situation it makes it even harder. I think it’s great you found someone that is being so kind and patient with you. Letting you lead at a pace that you can handle. He sounds like a winner.

Thanks Madluv. Grateful for the credit given. Like you I am still very close with my inlaws. They ARE my family. I've thought long and hard about the wisdom of continuing on with attending family functions. Each time I come up with the same conclusion. I would rather attend and deal with the yucky feelings than miss out on something I truly enjoy. I've got pretty good at it so it was a bit of a surprise how that party and having to leave it affected me. Oh well, I'm tough. I'll just keep getting back up and keep on trucking. I look back to how I was last year, the year before etc, and can see just how incredibly far I have come.

I think you'll know if you're ready to start dating again. For me I started not because I was looking for a 'romantic' relationship. I was instead looking for a friendship and for some nice people to go have fun with (dinner, beach, movies etc). You're right, dating doesn't close the door for a future relationship with xH. But committing to another relationship does (at least while that relationship lasts anyway). I'm sad (but not surprised) that you have trust issues. I hope you can deal with those and maybe find something new one day (if that's what you'd like). For me, I think I'm slightly weird. I completely trusted my xH... and I still do. I know that's crazy. I think it's because I am so convinced that he was so convinced that he was doing the right thing (that I didn't love him and would welcome separating) that I know what he did was nothing to do with me and how much he loved me. It was totally and utterly about him wanting to rid himself of his unhappiness. I think he's stupid, but not untrustworthy (again, I know that sounds crazy). The good thing about feeling this way is that I still trust myself. I have proven yet again that I can rebound (eventually!!) back to 'myself'. And I can therefore trust myself to open up to someone new. Doesn't mean I won't be hurt again. Just means I trust myself to keep getting back up no matter what happens. I think that's a prerequisite of starting something new. 

[PhoenixRising75]

Amazing for you both. A double edge sword blessing to be loved or even considered at all by you X-in-law family. My MIL reaches out every month to make sure I paid her CC and she can use it again. Otherwise, no contact from his family. Well, they f’d him up good and royal, so obviously it’s to be expected. 🤣 I guess try to find the blessings if that’s what works? Only your hearts can answer that, and I can only guess at how much it hurts. It’s good to be a good woman, wherever your heart takes you.

[Evermore]

I am very lucky that I still have a great relationship with my in-laws. I'm very grateful for their support. But yep, totally a double edged sword.

[MadLuv]

Evermore- I get the trusting your XH. I think for me is that I would never trust his coping skills. I know he knows he is coping wrong. It’s him. He misses his family. He is just weak emotionally and always has. That is what I cant trust on XH. Née relationships…it just has to happen organically.

Phoenix- my BIL came around eventually as he saw it for himself. I do feel fortunate, but I also wonder if XH engages in a real manner will I just be out. For them, my kids. Will everyone be so happy he is back that I get left behind. My BIL says I will always be family. Its all awkward with people who you have never felt awkward with.

[Treasur]

I am very lucky that I still have a great relationship with my in-laws. I'm very grateful for their support. But yep, totally a double edged sword.

It was brave of you, Ever. I’m pretty sure I couldn’t have done it.. not sure I would have chosen to tbh but my circumstances were very different. Most of us here can understand all those big messy emotions - in lots of ways it’s about so much more than ow isn’t it? - and I wonder how much of that people like extended family or ILs can really ‘get’ even when their intentions are good.

I wonder though if there is a way to blunt the double edged sword a bit in future by choosing to go to some events and not others, or celebrating some separately  where there is no need for you to shuffle out so ow can shuffle in.  I can see you value your ILs highly, and probably they you, but maybe it’s simply not possible to keep some things operating in the same way as they used to do. Particularly if the person paying the big emotional cost is you. Jmo.

[Reinventing]

Oh my goodness. We LBS can relate to all the emotions, anxiety, joys, sorrow of that situation at the house. That took a lot of strength to do.

And we can relate to looking to the future with someone, while still having this shared past and emotions with an xH that was. We have this one precious life to live and so we honor what that means for each of us.

This is such a hard road.

You did way, way better than I would have in that house situation, so give yourself some kudos.