[Chrysalis]

I only see my ex at work these days and I think most people think he seems fine.  They do agree though that he looks terrible (bags under the eyes, gaunt and looking ten years older - ironically he looked young for his age before!).  He is always very jolly with everyone (over jolly I think).  However, he was always very good at not showing his real feelings.  He hated family occasions but noone but me ever realised as he put such a good front on appearing to be enjoying it all.  I therefore find it quite difficult to tell if he is genuinely happy or just faking it.  However, his appearance does rather give him away.

As Glimmer says, he now seems to enjoy things he didn't like before and doesn't like things that he used to like.  I think it's just a desperate attempt to reinvent themselves.

[limitless]

Mitz,
I think the MLCer can put on the "mask" for others  - pretty easily.  They can act like they are happy, enjoying themselves.

When they are around us - I don't think they show their depression or unhappiness just because they are around us....although I'm sure my H feels guilt and shame.....

I think WE see the unhappiness - because we know THEM better than anyone else.  That is one of the reasons they don't want to be around us.  They know that we can see through the mask and they don't want to be found out.

That is just my take on it.

Hugs,

L

[Glimmer]

Hi

Like I said earlier, he now enjoys things he never did before, and vice versa.

For example he now apparently watches X Factor, he went to a Eurovision Song Party last weekend, and loves clothes shopping!!! He always used to say he would rather have all his teeth pulled out when any of the above were mentioned.  A lot of his 'favourite' meals that I used to cook for him, he says he can no longer eat them, or he doesn't like them.  A couple of weeks ago he texted the girls to say he was eating fish fingers (which he used to hate) and watching Britains got Talent.  I guess it's all part of becoming the opposite, unless that is all OW is capable of cooking!.

[HeartsBlessing]

Late last night, I read on here somewhere that LBS's feel as if our spouses walked and they are out there in the world enjoying themselves.  Are they really enjoying themselves?  Are they totally miserable?  Are they faking it as if they are having a good time?  Or do they THINK they are enjoying themselves; because they are in deep denial?

They are totally miserable; but hiding it from everyone; but the LBS; on whom they have placed all of the blame for their misery; if that makes sense.  I mean, think about it; their mind is a whirlwind of emotions; they are trying to find themselves, and the pressure within is enormous as their issues cry out to be seen; this pressure increases as the issues cry out even more; and they keep running from them.

It has been said by various LBS' many times; that the MLC'er is "nice to everyone but me"; and even I had been on the receiving end of this.  They will tell you they are "happy" even while they are spewing.  Yet, on the other hand; they are fighting a battle within; that no one can see/experience; but THEM.

MLC'ers/Transitioners experience an emotional and spiritual battle that only they can fight; and it makes them miserable; this is the reason for looking to outside sources to make them feel better; only after a time, these don't work; and the pain and misery continues within....appearances always deceive, especially during MLC.

Some of it CAN show on the outside; evidenced by them looking terrible; even as they insist they are doing what they want to do for the first in their lives; and they will insist they are happy; but since you know them; you know they are lying through their teeth.

They may wear the mask; put on a front for others; but deep within; they are hurt, angry, confused; and searching for something on the outside they will never find; unless they begin to look within and start to work things out within themselves.

They may deny that something is wrong, even to themselves; but the fact is; they are AWARE of all they are doing to hurt their spouse and their families; with their actions/speech.  And this adds to their misery; because they KNOW what they are doing; and they know what they are doing is wrong; they're not stupid; they've allowed the crisis to overtake them; making decisions that will affect them for the rest of their lives.

Make no mistake, there is war being waged within each person that goes through the tunnel; and you can't see it clearly; because it is within them; and try as they might to hide it; eventually it does come out as they lash out against the LBS; who knows them better than anyone does; and the LBS cannot be fooled; whereas everyone else can...simply because everyone else doesn't live with the MLC'er; and you can't know a person unless you live with them for a period of time.

The MLC affair, if going on, is not the bed of roses; there are so many thorns, it's unreal; and the MLC'er is not having a good time at all; the OW/OM is just as damaged, if not worse, than the MLC'er; and there is much drama that goes on; again that is not seen.  The MLC'er may turn a blind eye to it for awhile; but eventually, the true colors of the OW/OM that has been chosen is seen; and then the problems starts of how to get out of it with the least amount of damage.

Nothing in their lives will go right as long as they continue the destructive path they are walking; and the running behaviors they are engaged in; because they WILL reap what they sow in heartache, misery, and loss.

Depression is key to the whole crisis; one cannot be "happy" if depressed; and every MLC'er I have seen/dealt with; has been this way; they may smile; but it doesn't reach their eyes; and it never will until they deal with themselves as they should.

They are completely unhappy with themselves, that's for sure; so how could they be happy with their circumstances? They CAN'T; and the mask of denial only lasts for awhile; before it slips; and at times, falls off completely, showing a person who is the total opposite of what was known.



I hope this helps.

[leftylulu]

This was a nice surprise to see you on here again HB. Welcome back.

[HeartsBlessing]

Like I said earlier, he now enjoys things he never did before, and vice versa.

This is one of the hallmarks of the crisis; the MLC'er becoming the opposite of the person you knew before; what was once hated, is now loved; and what was once loved, is now hated.

For example, my husband literally hated pizza; but during the crisis; he claimed he loved it....that was one change he brought out with him; he still loves and eats pizza, tacos; things a teenager would normally eat.

Before the crisis; he was a fairly gentle, even tempered man; although controlling; but during the crisis; he became the total opposite, hateful, selfish; and self serving...and even worse controlling/manipulating; not caring who he ran over; just as long as he got what he wanted.

These aspects left, in time, thank goodness, and were replaced by a more balanced individual; who stands up for himself; but is very respectful of me; and he needs to be; I stood for him; and I don't take any prisoners, nor do I take any crap from him.

The opposite behavior can change back; although some aspects can stay with the person as they become what they were meant to be as they finish the crisis.

But becoming the total opposite of the person you once knew; in the way of speech, clothes, eating habits, etc. is not uncommon; they will insist, if asked; they have always liked whatever you're asking them about; but you know what's true; and you know their perception has undergone a change for the opposite direction in the majority of things compared with what they did or even acted before.

Again and again; I have seen evidence of MLC'ers becoming the opposite of what they were before the crisis; and this is part of their growth; although it is painful to see and experience. 

Yet, assuming they choose to return to the marriage; the total opposite behavior will wind down; and they will reconcile with both sides; and become balanced within themselves...as they learn Life's Lessons, becoming the person they were meant to be as a result of the crisis.

That's assuming they allow the crisis to mold and shape them; and they deal with their issues and grow through it.

I hope this helps.

[Mamma Bear]

  HB ..I've got to tell you YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH I NEEDED TO HEAR THAT JUST NOW Thanks you sooo much. All of it. Perfect timing.

[LisaLives]

I second MB, HB, that was beautifully written and inspirational! 

My H, the straight-laced professor that doesn't drink alcohol, caffeinated coffee, and any kind of "real" food (okay, that's critical of me, but he's a health food nut, and I'm not!) took up chewing tobacco...

Of course, though, he would say the same thing about me changing.  I think there are parts of ourselves that we negotiate in any relationship that come out when we're alone.  I always bowed to him, so he is shocked that I take time to exercise and run with friends, that I listen to top 40 and hip hop music, and wear nice clothes when I go out--all things I was never able to do for myself when he was around.  So I am sure some of that exists for them, as well. 

But the tobacco thing was just weird, I actually don't mind it, so I never tempered that in him...

[Mamma Bear]

 I'm loving Truth Darts. I think I'll go to Target and get a real dart board to practice and GAL> Asking permission to take Ds to a motel w/ OW?
  That is Rich.. NIce try pal. And then he listened to all the truth darts.
  Miserable... looking for answers. Processing. Sweating. Pale. Shakey..but "happy"

[BirdSoul]

I don't think my H is happy. He will not speak to me on the phone or see me in person. Only transactional e-mail allowed. He is hiding from me.

He confessed to me a week after he left (4 mos. ago) that the sense of relief he had at leaving was gone 30 minutes after he moved into his own apartment. This confession, I now know, came from my "real" H, not the alien one.

Of course he quickly cycled back into monster and two weeks after that told me he was "not ready to come running back to me." But he looked awful that day. Agitated and kind of wild-eyed. A couple of weeks later he went on a ski trip (with family, not OW) and posted pix on FB. I saw the pix because a family member of mine is still linked to him, and he looked kind of possessed. You could tell he was trying to look happy for the pictures but looked horrid. My SIL who went on the ski trip, told me he acted odd and depressed the whole time. By that time he had been away from me for over a month. She also said he had gained quite a bit of weight quickly. I know he stopped running (long-distance, not Replay!)

BUT, he accidentally pocket-dialed me from work a couple of months after that. He had never changed the speed dial on his Blackberry. I could hear him talking; he was in a meeting. He had no idea I could hear. He sounded like his cheery, business-person self. A mask I think. Also, SIL told me that at a recent family party (I am no longer invited, of course) he seemed "normal" to her. Making jokes and such. So they do put on different fronts for different audiences.

Also, I have an LBS friend (not on this site; she has chosen not to stand) and her H went on a trip with OW and then told my friend he would have had a better time with her (W). He also breaks into tears around her for no reason. They have a young child, so have regular contact for pick-up and drop-off, unlike me, who only gets typed letters and the rare e-mail. My H won't even sign his name, just types it. Also NO civilities of ANY KIND from my H. No "How are you?" "take care" nothing of that nature.

This thread is comforting. Blessings to all.