[Dragonfly33]

Probably you are right Zartheit. My x said he wanted to have big goals. It keeps him busy trying to fulfill all those goals, in such a way he can now feel something. At BD I remember he told me he doesn't feel anything. He felt empty and trapped. So perhaps this is a way of escaping from that feeling of emptiness and sadness.

Madluv, he never missed greeting me a happy birthday since BD. I think it's just a reflex for him, after all we had been together for a long time. I'm so sorry your xh had totally abandoned you and his kids. It must be very painful especially for your kids. In a way I honestly appreciate when he messaged me on my birthday. But he never asked me not once how I am since D. I asked him so many times though. I sometimes feel worry for him but then it just goes away quickly. Ready is right, I think my xh has been pursuing all these things he's been doing whether it's a young OW or his sports, it's just an escape from the horrible feeling of dissatisfaction in life and emptiness. My xh told me recently when he remembered the time he had a burnout, which I realize now was probably the beginning of MLC, that he felt like there's a dark heavy cloud above his head. That's how he described it. I think that was the onset of his MLC. That was almost 7 years prior BD.

[MadLuv]

Dragonfly- I think they just never attach deeply enough out of that unresolved dark pit. Once they leave they don't want to open that door fully because I truly believe  leaving was very hard and painful. Ao, the happy birthday is all he has in him. It does show that he is consistent with it, but hasn’t had much growth to feel safe enough to ask about your life.

I like you would ask my XH how he was etc. At one point I said, you never ask me how I am? He said, I know if I give you time you will just tell me. But I really don’t have the right to ask. Seems accurate.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

Ready how long did it take you until the emotional connection was gone? Was it the moment you met your lovely wife?

I think that the true emotional connection never really leaves. It diminishes over time. I think of people I have not seen for years and as soon as I get with them again it is as if we have seen each other every day. The connection is still there.

When my ex filed for divorce, there was a shift. I think the moment I went from viewing her as my partner to a business transaction, the emotional connection was severed. My mentality became more geared to this is something she wants despite the pain it was inflicting on me. Just like your ex, her pursuit of something else was more important than me and that was all that mattered.

Yet, even to this day, I still do care about her and would not wish any harm to her and I feel you have the same regards to your ex as well.

The only thing that your ex does that mine doesn't do is do anchor checks. It just seems to me that as he pursues his experiences, he still needs to connect time to time with his past. Then he moves on to the next thrill.

I hope you have the opportunity to experience someone new that respects you and care about you more than anything else.

Have a great day and keep the focus on you,

(((Ready)))

[Dragonfly33]

I think that the true emotional connection never really leaves. It diminishes over time. I think of people I have not seen for years and as soon as I get with them again it is as if we have seen each other every day. The connection is still there.

This make sense. But my mom always tells me, she doesn't have any emotional connection with my father. She said, she forgave him, but she still doesn't like him anymore as a person. My father never changed so I can understand my mom. He even betrayed us, his kids, the last time we had contact with him. For us, he is now a total stranger.

When my ex filed for divorce, there was a shift. I think the moment I went from viewing her as my partner to a business transaction, the emotional connection was severed. My mentality became more geared to this is something she wants despite the pain it was inflicting on me. Just like your ex, her pursuit of something else was more important than me and that was all that mattered.

I thought after the divorce, I would cut him off totally. But that was not the case. Then I said to myself, after his alimony to me ends, that will be the end of our connection. So now, I stopped texting my ex husband. When I started contacting him again, that emotional connection seemed to get stronger, at least on my side. I don't think this is a good thing for me. So these past few weeks, I decided not to text him anymore. It's hard to imagine, not contacting him anymore especially when I am in some kind of trouble. He's the one who's always there to help me like when I had an accident last year. However, this contact, though positive, slows me down in moving forward. It gives me a false sense of hope. And everytime, I realize he is still there in the midst of the crisis. It's like a slap in the face to wake me up.

 

The only thing that your ex does that mine doesn't do is do anchor checks. It just seems to me that as he pursues his experiences, he still needs to connect time to time with his past. Then he moves on to the next thrill.

My ex does contact me once in a blue moon. But lately, I realized I was the one contacting him more often. Like when I'm reminded of something funny, or when I see something he used to like or anything that I know only him can connect, I would send it to him. I guess, I'm just missing having someone to share things with. I miss being able to share funny things with him that only me and him would laugh about it.

I hope you have the opportunity to experience someone new that respects you and care about you more than anything else.

Thank you Ready, I do hope I would have a second chance in that department. It's nice living alone and discovering yourself but a lot of times, I also wished I had someone to talk to and share life with.

[Dragonfly33]

Hi everyone, I just wanted to share an update here and also I would like to know what others think about something I just felt today. So here's the background. Since the car accident, I have been in contact with my xh once in while. Very seldom. We joke on text messages. I stopped contacting him since the last time I wrote here because I realized it still affects me a lot. I just wanted to distance myself for a while. Then I went to Cambodia this summer and surprisingly I got a text from my xh asking me why he could not reach me anymore on imessage. He said he was passing by my place as he was cycling in the area to check on my new car. So anyway, I told him I was travelling a lot. After that, we were back to texting sort of regularly but still rarely (if you know what I mean). Recently, as we were texting he mentioned he was going to Japan for is triathlon. So I asked him if he could buy me facial cream in Japan. He told me to send the photos and everything which I did. Afte that I didn't text him anymore because I felt like I was drawn to hoping again or just waiting for his text. Such a weird feeling I don't understand myself. Then one day he texted me with a picture of himself finishing the triathlon. I just congratulated him and shared some stories. But replied two days later or a day later which I was honestly annoyed so I stopped texting. A day before he was to return back home, he texted me to send him pictures of the creams I want so he can buy it before his flight. I did not text him until a day later because I could not imagine the idea of meeting him in person to get my creams. I told him the next day I forgot the name of the cream and to just forget about it. So he came back here last weekend I guess. He texted me last night sending me pictures of a recent earthquake in the region close to my hometown. But just pictures. He didn't ask if my family were ok. I just replied I know there's an earthquake and he sent a sad smiley. Today he sent me a picture of a recent volcanic eruption in my country again and nothing else. I replied this evening that my country is suffering a lot on top of the corrupt politicians there. We ended up texting back and forth about everything and finally in a long time, he asked me how I was. To which I replied I was good and looking forward to my vacation. So we talked about our vacations together and where we would retire. Funnily enough, when I was still married to him, I told him Id like us to retire in my home country and he was rock solid in his decision not to retire there. He wanted to stay in his home country because he can do a lot of things here and in my home country it's too dangerous for him blah blah blah. Now, as I was talking to him, his mindset shifted suddenly to wanting so much to retire in my home country. And that his home country is going down, he doesn't like the mentality of the people here etc. On the other hand, me I wanted to stay here, maybe somewhere a bit cheaper. It makes me think, whatever happened to his brain. I told him told me before he never wanted to retire there. He said he doesn't like the mentality here. Anyway, he sent me a lot of pictures and videos about his trip to Japan. I guess he just wanted to share it with someone. At some point, we talked about food in my home country that he also liked. And so he said he wanted to order this food when he goes there and bring it back here. My town is quite famous for this food so he said to me he wanted to order it from the store I usually ordered. In other words, he was planning to visit my hometown. And then I told him you have to reserve it. He then asked me if he can ask my uncle to organise it for him. I felt like there was a stone in my chest. I didn't like the idea of him in contact with any of my family and relatives. For me he lost that privilege when he bolted out of the marriage. So I couldn't answer right away and I just texted him hmmm. He realized it right away and said he won't ask. I told him my uncle has nothign against him, it's me who was not comfortable about it.I told him I spoke to my family and relatives about how I feel them still being in contact with him but I won't stop them if they want to; however I prefer not to. My xh said he won't do it. The conversation just ended awkwardly.

The reason behind is that, my family is the only safe place I have. I don't want him to be part of that anymore. I don't want him to occupy that safe space. I can be friendly with him, but my family is mine. I also don't contact his family or relatives.  It's weird of me and I don't understand why I am like this. I can be friendly and civil with him however I don't want to share my family with him. Sometimes, I feel hurt when my uncle expressed his liking towards my xh. He said he was a good person and all that. He was indeed friendly with him. But they didn't know how bad he was with me. How mentally and emotionally destructive he was towards me. I guess I still haven't gotten over about it maybe. In fact, I don't want him to come to my home town. He can travel anywhere else in the world except my hometown. I remember he said to me on BD that our cultures are one of the reasons the marriage didn't work out. And now he considers even retiring there.

My questions are:

Was I selfish not wanting my relatives to be in contact with him?
Was this a childish behaviour from me?
Am I bitter?
Why do I feel that way when my family is involved? I am friendly terms with him with text messages but that is still something I am having a hard time accepting it.

I am relieved that he read between the lines. And I am proud of myself to tell him straight away how I feel about it. It's something I would not have done in the past as I was a people pleaser.  I don't know if this contact is a good idea to be honest. Lately I have been thinking of changing my number and just totally cut the contact. Not because he was mean to me. On the contrary he was nice to me. However, he sort of occupied my mind a lot lately.  It's been 3 years almost 4 years since we separated, 5 years since BD and almost 3 years since we divorced. almost 4 years I haven't seen him. He looks very happy in his pictures and he looks well compared to BD time. He seemed to have a good life, earning a lot and travelling a lot, doing what he loves doing. And I'm happy for him, sometimes honestly jealous that he has a good life.. Sounds like I'm very bitter (LOL). Maybe a bit.

[JohnnyBravo]

My questions are:

Was I selfish not wanting my relatives to be in contact with him?
Was this a childish behaviour from me?
Am I bitter?
Why do I feel that way when my family is involved? I am friendly terms with him with text messages but that is still something I am having a hard time accepting it.

My vote is "no" to all of these. (I wanted to quote Queen, but you have three questions and Bohemian Rhapsody has five "no"s.) We get to have boundaries; and if you feel like changing those boundaries some day (looser or tighter), you can. (My ex didn't really have any relationship with my remaining family, so I'm not sure how I would feel in this case.) I also think we get to have "our stuff" that our ex didn't mess up on their way out. And as you realize, being able to set these boundaries is a sign of our growth.

You and I are on a similar timeline; sometimes I'm feeling good, and sometimes I get thrown for a loop. I was a bit jealous about my ex happily moving back to her home town, on her sister's dime, and getting to be back with all of her friends (who were some percentage my friends as well). Meanwhile I'm still here settled here and locked  in to a difficult but rewarding job. But, I realize this is just the outward-facing presentation, and that there was another side that she didn't show on social media. And that no matter where you go, there you are. 

Cheers,

JB

[Treasur]

Must admit I agree with JB. And on top of that, I think it’s also ok if you ARE selfish or bitter or whatever else you feel.

Imho, we feel what we feel regardless of our opinion of it and what tends to matter most in life is what we do. Having said that, I have a close friend in her 70s who is a people pleaser and is struggling with similar thoughts in a changing life situation where she needs some boundaries to survive. So I get it…sometimes listening to her is like that story of an English person being barged into by someone else and instinctively saying sorry 😜

I think your instinct is poking you to consider the real benefits or disadvantages of ongoing contact - no matter how superficial - with someone who placed so little value on you and your life that they BD’d you and left. Why you might want to ‘please’ or ‘chat’ to that person now, what you want from them or why you need to consider their feelings or know anything about what they are doing with a life they removed you from. Not my place to tell you what you should or should not do, but it does seem that your own gut instinct is prodding you to reflect on it at least.

And good call on the face cream…some things are too expensive metaphorically. 😜

[marvin4242]

I want to also join in saying no, you are none of those things. In fact you are showing self care in choosing to protect yourself. You are not bitter, you are rightfully hurt and cautious.

I also want to join Treasur and maybe even a bit more directly point to your ongoing contact. I understand the desire but can you fully look to what is hiding beneath the surface? You yourself pointed out that he showed a complete lack of love and care, that he treated you badly and is selfish. So what’s in it for you now?

And lastly I am relatively confident in saying that he is not having a good life. Ignore the image, in order to be content we have to be centered, emotionally connected to ourselves and others, and have empathy as it makes everything richer. Does this sound like him?

You are doing great, this may be one more step in your personal process.

[KayDee]

Dear Dragonfly,

He is washing up on the shores of your well-crafted and well-earned safe sanctuary island - your family, your cultural identity, your retirement plans - heck, your new car! (wasn't the ditching of the old, unreliable one - that you caused you to call him on occasions - an important step away from some dependency? Now he has tagged the new one). He'll be wearing your face cream next. Yup, he wants something. But what is he giving in return?

But I guess his motivations do not really matter as your inner protective chimp is screaming at you to stay away from him - like the proverbial hot stove. If his life is so great, why is he so blatantly encroaching on yours? You've been to Cambodia, your doing distance in more ways than one. Don't let this slow you down.

[Dragonfly33]

JB, Treasur, Marvin and Kaydee, thank you for sharing your insights. Sometimes when you're full into it, you don't see the whole picture and thus I need to see how others see it, especially those who experienced the same thing. I won't be able to talk about this with any of my family or any of my friends easily because I am scared they're going to blame me for being still in contact with him. What Treasur and Marvin wrote made me reflect today while I was driving. What is indeed the reason behind being still in contact with him. If I have to be honest, it's probably because I miss having to share something familiar with someone else. Sometimes I like to share a funny experience that I know only him can laugh about it. And sometimes, I do want his approval if I did something great that I know he will be proud of. This could stem from wanting that approval from a masculine person that I almost never had since my father left us very early. And the contact actually continued regularly when I realized he was not together anymore with his sporty OW. So could it be that I was hoping he would come back? Or I probably was testing the water if I he changed and if he really cared for me.

Last night while we were texting, I jokingly sent him a picture of me on my friend's motorbike and told him I bought myself one. He told me he was not excited with the idea as it was very dangerous and a lot of people had accidents with it. He told me he just doesn't want that anything bad would happen to me. It just made me laugh inside because I thought well, you were the same person who pushed me too hard I almost unalived myself from the pain. But anyway, he was not being mean to me and I guess him texting me was also probably out of boredom. I realized that he was with another woman in Japan from the picture he sent me as I saw another pair of legs next to him at the table. I now understand why it took him days before he replied to me while he was being there. And I guess he's texting me because he has nobody here and not because he truly cares.

So I blocked him and I hope I can keep that for a long time. It's not because I want to punish him. this time it's really because I need to protect myself from being drawn back into him and from believing in something that is not there.