[Treasur]

I am so very sorry for all of you, what a terrible loss of what sounds like a splendid young human. And I am very glad your BF just showed up, that he got it, that he understood that you need someone to have your back bc you will be busy trying to have your kids’ back. Showing up matters so, doesn’t it? Please try to take care of yourself where you can. We know, and you know, that grief and trauma have a compound effect and big ripples that sometimes churn up stuff we don’t expect. Think of it like channelling your mother perhaps; try to do for you what she would do for you if she was still here physically to do it. Hugs to you all from here.

[UrsaMajor]

Was this young man the "cookie Monster" that you described often who exchanged Baked Goods for lawn mowing?

I am so sorry for all three of you. Just seems like one thing after another doesn't it? At least your support person was/is able to help and you know for real he is a rock, despite Metallica shirts....

As for LFVGWDWE Ex, what is there to say? Unless the Mid-Lifer is REALLY invested in doing the work they need to do to resolve whatever it is inside them that is driving them, they are simply unable to change. My mom, in her practice, had a rule (she dealt occasionally with alcoholics and there are many very close parallels / similarities to MLC from what I can see) that she would not even entertain taking on an alcoholic client unless that client sincerely demonstrated that they were personally invested in changing their behavior. Otherwise, she said, it is a waste of the time for both of them and the client's money. I see that in many of the stories here - the Mid-Lifer doesn't change because they have no vested interest in doing so and, without that, there is insufficient motivation. They seem to think that they can just waltz in and out of the lives of those they Bombed or dropped and everything will just be hunky-dory. They simply ignore or are oblivious to the damage they have done in their madness....

Sending you and your family hugs.

just remember to do the normal stuff like eat and sleep......

[FaithWalker]

MD, I am so sorry for the loss of your M and also this young man that was so special to all of you!  For all the ways that it's tough for me, dealing with my M's dementia, I've been so grateful at how slowly it's been progressing and need to remember to cherish the time I have with her.

I'm so glad that you, D and S have each other and that you have this wonderful gentleman in your life as well!  And I'm glad that your F has you all too!  Sending some virtual ((((HUGS)))) your way.

[MourningDove]

Thank you UrsaMajor & FaithWalker.

Yes, it was the young man - the "Cookie Monster" we lost. It doesn't seem real and while losing my M was really awful, this almost is harder to grasp. He was so young and so good. My M, had a really full life and I was blessed to have her for so long. This -- makes no sense at all.

The memorial service was this past weekend. My "good man" made the trip here even though I was finding every excuse for him not to come. It wasn't that I didn't want him here, in fact on the contrary. I just am not terribly good at asking for things. I think I have become so accustomed to being on my own, that more than before, I think about how I don't want to inconvenience anyone and I can do it on my own. I am glad he made the final decision for me. I may have been bouncing around the room during what I would call more of a celebration of "Cookie Monster" than a memorial. It was not somber, yet there were plenty of tears. It was an outpouring of how much support the family has and how loved this young man was. It was in fact overwhelming seeing how many people showed up. The venue was packed to capacity and that is not counting those who came in and left throughout the afternoon.

S and D drove together and hadn't arrived yet, when I was greeted by S's friends. I was congratulated on my engagement, which surprised me. The one friend who S has known for several years mentioned S had told him immediately and was really happy for me. I had a smidge of guilt feeling so happy for myself, but I am learning more and more that grief and happiness can happen in the same time period. It is an odd mix. Life is not neat, nor are the emotions that come along with life's events.

My sister had prepared D for Xh's arrival and told D the reason I hadn't told her the night before was because I didn't want to ruin D's evening. D had been asked to be in her friend's bridal party and they were having a get together for the bride's maids. My sister worried I was going to be upset that she was the one that broke it to D, but I wasn't. It didn't matter who told her. D was already a mess, she is so heartbroken about their "little brother" as she calls him. S has had me to grieve with at home and his friends. D is back at school and it's a bit harder for her to just let go.

She did share with me that about a week after "Cookie Monster" died, she took a walk and sat by the lake. She was crying uncontrollably. A couple came by and asked if she was okay. She told them she had lost her close friend - her little buddy - and they in turn comforted her and asked her to tell them about him. I keep tearing up, knowing there are good people out there who took the time to comfort a complete stranger.

The need for boundaries though, it would seem have reemerged. Xh showed up to the event. S told me Xh almost refused to show up but S said it really was not about Xh's feelings and Xh owed it to the neighbors, who we had known for many years. Xh and the neighbor were once close friends and that young man was at the house every day practically. Xh at least had known him well for the first 13 or so years of this young man's life.

S has not shared with Xh that I am engaged and has not shared with him much about my life. S told me it is not Xh's business and I can share what I wish with him, but he won't be just giving Xh access to my life. Nor does he tell me much about Xh, beyond sometimes a funny story or that Xh and his one B are now not speaking after spending 2 weeks together. Another feud that will go on and then suddenly they will all be traveling together or whatever and never resolving what the argument was about in the first place. It is why the one BIL I stay in touch with doesn't have much to do with the family. He said the family desire to have constant drama is tiring.

I caught a glimpse of Xh when he came in. The venue is very oddly laid out and Xh spent a great deal of time at this place with FIL. The kids and I would sometimes be with them, but they were there at least once a week, since FIL found some people to converse with. So, Xh knows the venue well. He would know it has at least 4 entrances/exits. He would know that there are a couple of outer corridors that loop you back to the main areas. There are three main areas all connected in the center with sliding louvered doors if one needed to close off an area. It is not going to win any architectural awards, but it is perfect for this type of gathering, or at least it is one of the few venues locally that can handle larger crowds of that nature that isn't ridiculously expensive to rent. The point is, Xh's "move" was calculated. I have no doubt in my mind.

I was standing with my back to him at one point and he at the other end of the building. I was clearly with someone as we stood with one another and D was across from us. At some point Xh had made his way to the bar. He had to have walked right by us, unless he used the corridor or the "secret passage" the kids used to call it - when they were younger they used to giggle because they would go down that hallway and pop up at the other end of the building and we were supposed to act surprised like it was some magic trick. IDK if Xh walked past us to the bar or not - none of us saw him.

Xh made a choice. There is no doubt in my mind about it. He chose to walk past us on the way back. He chose to make a statement. He could have taken any other route or even gone to other side of the pass through which is a very large opening and avoided us. He made a definitive choice. I saw him immediately and my "good man" saw my expression change. Xh was coming towards us. D's back was to him. He looked right at me and snarked "I am just going to keep on moving" or something of that nature. It was in the tone - not the words so much. It was meant to be a stab. D knew immediately who said it and saw his back heading towards the other end of the venue to where S's friends were. The one friend would later come up and stand next to D and knows something had to have happened. D was practically a puddle on the floor at one point. My "good man" walked away at first to give D and I a moment so D could just sob. He then stepped back into place, allowing his tall stature stand in a way that allowed D to block the view of Xh. I had moved to the other side near D and could see Xh just looking back. Part of me wanted to take him outside and just tell him all the things going through my mind in that instant. I knew that was not going to help the situation. I would look like the crazy XW and it is not what needed to happen. It was not the right time or place for one. The kids didn't need it and frankly, I didn't need to use up more energy on him.

Now, how do I know it was intentional? It would come out later that my sister had seen him on her way out. He spoke to my F and said how much he thought of my dad and missed him. I am sure that was sincere. My F was very touched - WAS. He is not feeling very happy about it now. My sister told Xh that his family was inside and the kids were really not handling any of this well. Now, my poor sister is feeling bad because she used the term family. I have told her none of this is her doing and that is just a general term used. It was still accurate. His kids are his family. It doesn't matter if it somehow made him upset. That was his choice to leave the family. All choices have consequences. Some good, some not good. That is how choices work. He can be upset with whatever he wishes but he has to own his own part in his choices. He doesn't and it is very clear he still doesn't. He snapped back at my sister that he only has a relationship with one of his kids.

It is very telling that he has no plans to reconcile with D. He wants her to suffer and beg is my guess. I hate to inform him he has now put the final nail in the coffin with D. I don't see him coming back from this. That event along with my M dying were easy ins for him. The mere fact that "Cookie Monster" could have just as easily been one of his own children. Why not see that life is full of moments things change on a dime? Instead he chose to throw fuel on a fire.

My anger with him has subsided to a degree. I do not want to hear how he is suffering and lashing out. I don't want to hear how he is in crisis. My new boundary with him is being set because he chose to be cruel to D. I have seen how cruel he can be in crisis. Get help - that is my answer to him. I don't have to and won't put up with his "emotions". I have been going through family photos and such. I found a box full of what are his photos. I was going to give them to him. I am going to give them to my BIL instead, as many are of the family as children. I am done being thoughtful. I will keep the wedding photos and happier times to show my kids they were not imagining a F who loved me or them.

I won't totally erase history, but I am starting a new life with someone who makes me feel loved and secure. Xh has shown he is not going to play nice and I am now having to place a boundary and maybe it is time to reconsider that moat with alligators in it around the house. 

[UrsaMajor]

GWPWE "suffering" and "being in crisis" is still not an excuse for being a walking Richard Cranium with ears.

Like you said, he made his choices and with those choices come consequences. Whether he likes it or not, those consequences are HIS to own and deal with (or not, as is typical for many Mid-Lifers). The bottom line is that he is still pissy that D won't give him a "Get Out of Jail Free" card and expects him to man up and own his $#it which, for him, is apparently impossible to do or even contemplate. Why? Because it would mean admitting that HE was the one that made bad choices, accepting that it really IS his fault that everything went to Hades in a handbasket and it is HIS responsibility to make amends, no one else's.

As we have all experienced, accepting responsibility in an MLC'ers worst nightmare (unless, like the rare bird, i. e. RCR's H or Acorn's H they actually do end up pulling their heads out of their ..... fog.... and really working through the issues that are haunting them).

Tip of the hat to the "good guy" for running (or "standing") interference.... and even more for not whacking GWPWELFV with a 2x4..... Not so sure I would have been able to maintain my cool in such a situation if it was the D of my partner that was the puddle in front of me......

As for the interaction with your F, my personal opinion is that was for show to say "See, I'm really just a misunderstood good guy... Poor pitiful me....."

Lastly, an MLC'ers life and feeling are solely based on their own naval-gazing so S suggesting that GWPWELFV come to support the family and friends of the Cookie Monster and that it was NOT about GWP's feelings probably fell on a deaf ear or at least an ear that twisted it around to make is sound like a way to get his own (GWPWE's ) "feelz" for the day......

But, end of the story, the boundary is a good one.....

[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor - that is what I keep coming back to - Xh and his continual choices. It was so utterly unnecessary to say anything at all the other day. He chose to stir the pot, and I think he likes that it upsets the kids and I. It means he still can get a response out of us.

D went back to school and is trying to focus on what she needs to. S told me he is trying to keep himself occupied and allowing himself to feel.

In the mix our younger cat, who has been known to wander from time to time, but always comes back went missing within a day or two of our neighbor passing away. This cat moved in with us a couple of years ago and the older cat and he were inseparable. The older cat goes out every morning and night and does a quick sweep looking for him. I had convinced myself in the nearly 3 weeks he has been missing that either he has been taken in by someone or the coyotes had gotten him. He was very smart and had "outdoor cat smarts". My niece doesn't like cats, but loved this one. She proclaimed one day he was an angel. S was especially fond of him. We all were quite frankly, even when he would wake one of us up when in the middle of the night he wanted to play.

I have been going out every morning and night calling of him, knowing it was possible he was maybe lost. This morning I felt so very alone when I was driving my F to his PT appointment and spotted what turned out to be our cat. It didn't register at the time - I think I was in shock. I came back home and drove the short distance, as it is a busier road on that side of the house and the minute I got out of the car I knew it was him. He has been trying to get back home and must have turned quickly to avoid a car, but it must have clipped him. I don't even know how I managed to pick him up in the towels I brought with me. I had told S and he was going to come home to bury him. I made decision to not let S see the little ball of fur in that state, even though he looked like he was napping in the sunlight to some degree. We have had enough sadness and I really don't remember making the call to the vet and some of the steps between. It is a blur to be honest. I just knew I had to have the cat cremated so that the kids have something and we will do what we have done with all the pets since Xh left.

I know my person was not here, but has been checking on me. I have that support and that means so much.

I think this is stirring up some weird emotions for me in regards to Xh. When he left, he left D's cat and his own cat. That cat became so anxious when he left, she tore up a couch and it took a long time for her to relax. I became her person. She was a cranky old cat, but she and I had been through all of MLC together. She lived a very long life and when she finally had to be put down, I had to do that on my own.

The older cat, he is still here, and I don't really know how. He seems to hold on for D. This summer he had an injury that should have done him in and yet, he fought through it. He sleeps at the end of my bed when I am home, but the minute D is home, he goes straight to her. The younger one, used to follow and they both would curl up on her bed. It was as if the older cat was training the younger one to take his place.

The dog we have now, is our dog, but before that we had the dog S got when he was in 6th grade. Xh actually wanted to emancipate S and fought about paying any support for either kid, but wanted custody of the dog. The judge was furious when she asked whose dog it was. Xh came back with S's and then proceeded to ask for every other weekend - for the dog. Not the kids. Very odd to witness. When the kids and I had to make the decision to have her put down, Xh didn't come to console the kids. He showed up at the vet's office and took photos of S holding the dog and then posted them on social media. S was furious. That was not the moment S wanted documented nor shared. Xh never offered to help pay for the cremation nor did he really bring any comfort. It was all about him. No surprise.

What maybe has me mildly triggered is me having to deal with the fallout from Xh's behavior this past weekend and now having to tell the kids makes me feel very much like I did with those other moments. It is falling on me and it is overwhelming. It is hard for me to process my own feelings because I have to be the one dealing with the hard stuff that Xh not only walked away from, but likes to make harder.

Compounding it was the fact that as I was putting the cat into the collapsible basket I brought with me, the neighbor, whose S we just had the memorial for drove into his driveway. He saw me as I was getting back into my car. He waved but I know he will ask me later what I was up to. That stupid little cat would wander over to see him and his W when they were outside. My neighbor loved that cat and was sad he was missing. I am a blubbering fool right now and sad, but I cannot equate losing my cat to losing a child. And he doesn't need more sadness heaped on him.

In all of this, the man in my life has been checking in. I know if he could be here he would be. That is such a good feeling. Right now I am wrestling through the trigger and just the sadness of this. Part of the sadness is that cat found us. He came during a rainstorm and adopted us when my M started her biggest changes in dementia. My M would ask me to bring him to see her when my parents stopped in. She chose the name D used for him. Losing him is bringing back feelings of losing my M again on top of it. Part of me is telling myself M and Cookie Monster - who loved that cat are baking cookies and that cat is now with them. That is what I keep telling myself at least.

[UrsaMajor]

Good Grief.....

I am so sorry. You must feel like a punching bag at the moment. One thing after another.

[MourningDove]

I am home with whatever ailment is going around. So many people have been sick at work and then with the stress, I was bound to pick up at least a cold. I feel a bit defeated today. The feeling will pass.

S posted a tribute to the cat. Immediately he had several responses and one was from Cookie Monster's fiancé, who said she believes that cat is keeping my M and Cookie Monster company. S laughed and said Cookie Monster absolutely loved that cat which is not an understatement. That cat was much like Cookie Monster, loved by all who met him.

IDK - I have so much to be happy about and to look forward to. I am blessed and I know that. It is just that this year has been so hard emotionally. And, for D especially. She is alone at school and I at least have support around me. She has her friends at school and her therapist. She has understanding professors who know she has been thrown some tough things recently. She powers through and when I talked to her yesterday she too is battling this virus going around. S has it as well, although he is on the other side of it now.

I am going to sit outside in the sunshine and hopefully the fresh air and warmth will help me a bit. I don't want to wallow in bed all day. My body needs the rest, but I am awake and I need some form of cheer or at least not a reason to let emotions bring me down. I also don't need to be in a situation where I am in my head, which is where going back to bed will lead atm.

The older cat is out making his rounds around the house searching for his little buddy. He no longer wanders very far and will be at the backdoor to report back soon. He will be very vocal, I am sure.

I am no longer feeling triggered. Just worn out. In the past a trigger would have taken the life out of me for days.

[FaithWalker]

I am so sorry about the loss of your kitty too on top of everything else.  Take good care of yourself and let the good people in your life take care of you too! <3

[MourningDove]

Thank you FaithWalker.

The loss of the cat was really very difficult. I think it honestly pushed the other emotions that have been hovering below the surface to the top. I needed to really let go. My M loved that little cat. She would ask me about him all the time.

And just when I thought things might quiet down, S had an accident last weekend while riding a dirt bike which has our year ending with a complete bookend situation. I started the year off with surgery and he is ending it with a broken femur at the hip and won't be able to walk on his leg until the end of December.

It could have been much worse and I am grateful for that.

The accident resulted in me calling Xh when I realized S was not exactly dealing with bumps and bruises. Xh responded with saying he was on his way and kept sending me photos of S when he was a kid and saying "don't worry he is tough". I was shaking my head and thinking "um thanks, but not what I need right now". I wasn't freaking out. Yes, I was anxious but not showing it. I was waiting to see what the ER doctor said. Xh ended up showing up after nearly going to the wrong hospital. He got a bit short with me and I responded "I told you when I was on the phone with you and also repeated it two more times via text, so I don't know how you went the other way". He didn't say a word. He called his sister who is a retired cardiology nurse and she had him convinced S would be in a lower body cast, etc. D was there and she was very calm. I was so proud of her. She didn't point out the obvious, which was that was not my former SIL's area of expertise and she has been out of the field for some time. D merely said she would be very surprised if that happened as she has never seen that in any of her rotations - Xh would have no clue that D's area of study has been in orthopedics and specifically the past couple of years one of her concentrations is in hip related injuries. D explained that the only time she has seen them do that would be an extreme case where they need to isolate multiple fractures. D would later tell me that they try to keep most of the other muscles etc mobile to help with rehab - fear of too many things having atrophy makes rehab harder.

Xh didn't acknowledge D. She didn't get angry later. She told me that he was so foreign to her now. I was saying to someone else that he is this very bizarre mix of his F and his deceased B - very different from who Xh was years ago. It is like he has absorbed their personalities.

It would be a long few hours and the ER doctor determined they needed to send S to a trauma hospital in the city because this injury was too complex for them to handle. S would be taken by ambulance and I ran home to take care of my dog and grab some things for S and for the potentially long night. Xh gave me a look of confusion. His response was he was going home and I should too and that S would be fine going to the hospital. I must have had quite the look. I told him he could do as he wished but I was going to follow the ambulance up because that hospital is one S has never been to for one. The other was the last time he was in a hospital was when we had to make a decision about my M. S's GF rode in the ambulance and D and I followed. We stayed until 12:30 am and were home by 1:30 am. I turned around and went back the next morning at 7:30 am with D. S's GF had also gone up. Xh was there. I sat down and made the mistake of selecting the chair next to him. I won't make that mistake again. I might have been able to handle a hug at the time. Maybe. It would have at least made some sense. Instead he looked at me and said I looked like I had been crying and proceeded to rub my back between my shoulders. I must have bristled and I stood up and moved. I responded no, I was just exhausted and hadn't gotten much sleep. Xh worked on his computer and I would go back and forth switching places with D, and S's Gf and later my niece.

Xh didn't know who my niece was. He hasn't seen her in over 10 years. I was looking at his attire and just wondering who this man was. I never have had a problem with people changing their fashion, etc, but this is such a bizarre thing to see. Xh had always worn pressed shirts and even his jeans were pressed when I first met him. He relaxed some over the years, but always for work looked like he was put together. His hair was always short. Now, he literally looks like a 1960's hippie. Long hair in a ponytail. Loose clothes, a beret that day and Birkenstocks. It is not the outfit as much as no one would believe me if I showed them a photo. It is a complete change. And his behavior - I explained it to my fiancé as being with this annoying relative that won't leave. He mentioned Uncle Eddy from Christmas Vacation and I can't unsee it. That has me laughing still. It is exactly that now.

The fact that again, Xh was given an opportunity to just talk with D in a neutral territory and didn't just is mind boggling. D told me she knows that Xh just is replaying his own childhood and her response at this point is "get help".

Xh played superhero the following day, as I had to work and also needed to go shove all of my office furniture in the living room and clear out that office for S to recuperate in. It is a small room and he would need some storage for clothing, etc. A bed set up, since he would not be able to go up and down a full stair case. He cannot put any weight on his leg at all. He can sit or use crutches but not even a toe should hit the floor. S's friend did help me get S's childhood bed frame down from my F's barn so that S would have a bed.

Now, I don't want Xh's help at the house, but I was still a bit annoyed that he never offered. He has not mentioned the fact that S has bills or it impacts my life. Nope. He sat with S until I was able to bring S home. A couple of days after S was home, I paid my niece to sit with S while I went to work. She insisted I didn't need to pay her, but I knew she gave up a shift at work to be there and spent money on gas. Xh called and offered to get S out of the house right before that. He suggested they could take a ride to the Harley dealership.  S and I laughed after that call. Um, S was in excruciating pain in the car the whole way home with every bump we hit. Furthermore, he was pretty weak at that point.

The Harley Dealership is all about Xh. They like him at that local shop. This was about him showing S off and people fawning all over S, but this was more about Xh's need for the attention. To be the great dad. Um - meanwhile later that day, S's good friend came over and helped me just get S outside for a walk up and down the driveway to stretch and get some fresh air. That was all S could handle.

Then to make things even more surreal, I was getting ready for work and the doorbell rang. I looked out and it was like looking at a ghost. It was my one BIL I haven't seen in 10 years. We always got along, but he chose a side for sure. S spent the trip this summer with him - the trip xh invited S on and then basically ditched him for most of it. S spent it with this uncle. Then came in former SIL. Her partner, like when my M died reached out to me the other night. I have no issues with the partner and never have. She is genuine. SIL - whole other story. Into my house they came. Luckily my office sits right at the front of the house and I could control that. I was annoyed. I don't mind people stopping in, but how about people I have been in contact with over the past 10 years. I would have liked some heads up. I texted Xh and said his sister and brother were here. He was shocked they just stopped in.

It has been a week since S came home. The true people who want to help or care have continued reaching out. Xh - idk, because I removed his name from my phone. He can communicate through S. I know his phone number by heart if there is any emergency, but I need to draw boundaries. I know that for the short term it may mean allowing xh access to S in my house. I am accepting that but I am going to control that and make it on my terms. I won't be sitting and visiting and will walk the dog or whatever, but I am not going to play happy family. I can't

Meanwhile, my fiancé is traveling and it created some tense feelings on one level. We both were triggered with the Xh aspect. However, we realize a big part is the distance right now is more than usual and out of our control. We both have needed each other and on the flip side it has imo, made us that much stronger. We have talked out our feelings and concerns. We miss each other like crazy.

I cried when I was told I was being sent something. I was told to please not be offended. Yah, I have been stubborn and independent to a fault in recent years. I have always been able to do things on my own. My independence has been something since I was in college. The problem arose or maybe more of my stubbornness about asking for help and accepting help came after BD. I had to do so much on my own and part of it was my reaction to Xh once telling me during BD that I would never be able to do it on my own. I have spent the last 10 or more years trying to prove it to myself and everyone else. I don't need to anymore. That is hard to accept. To be vulnerable and let someone step in and tell me they want to help. Letting go of my stubborn side. My wonderful fiancé was getting ready to board a plane the day surgery happened and he sent me a gift to help how he could in that moment. He understood immediately that I might need.

When S found out, he was really grateful. My F remarked that this man is one very special man and D - she cried. She said that was the most thoughtful thing in the world. It wasn't the gift any of us were even talking about - it was the thought behind it.

IDK how I am going to handle Xh moving forward for the next few weeks. My suspicion is he will show up for doctor visits where he has an audience. He will avoid the house for the most part because he will fear running into D. D meanwhile this morning sent a photo of herself in her official white coat which has Dr embroidered next to her name. It will be official soon enough. Xh has absolutely no clue. He also will not know D isn't home for the most part as it is her last on campus semester before her final rotations.

I was talking to a cousin of mine yesterday, who had a similar situation with a divorce later in life. She has remarried and recently she and I reconnected. We were close growing up, but there was an age gap that seemed so much larger for a long time. Her kids are 10 years older, etc. Our lives were at different points always. Now, we talk regularly and she has met my fiancé. She remarked the other day that she sees how happy I am and this is a healthy relationship with a really wonderful man. She is right.

What struck me earlier today is that Xh is still spinning and really seems to be just showing no growth. In the time I have known my fiancé, we have had ups and downs but we both have grown and are willing to continue to grow. We are realistic in life throwing us curve balls and maybe each day won't be perfect but we have committed to always being honest and talking about things to work through them. And, every time we talk now about hard issues, it might create some stress but at the end of it, we seem to feel closer.

There is no scenario now where I could go back to Xh. There just isn't. When I started here on the forum, that is what I desired. The problem always is none of us can control another human being. Once I realized I couldn't control him, it allowed me to grow on my own. The reality for so many LBS is those MLCers don't face their issues and by the time maybe some do, we have either grown weary of their spinning or I know in my case, I have outgrown that life. I have also embraced what I have cultivated and don't want to disrupt my own life. Now, the bigger thing I am facing is, I am fiercely protective of what I do have with fiancé and that I am putting up a protective force field. I won't allow Xh to affect what I have.