[Raphael]

 Hello,
* I think I first posted this to the wrong thread- technology and I do not always get along
I am new to the forum, but have been reading and learning about MLC for several years. I have read many, many posts and have learned so much. I have been hesitant to post, because I feel like I can never get the right words out and that my thinking is utterly disjointed.
Here is my story and not unlike so many of yours!
EX had a difficult childhood. His brother died in a fire at age 5 (EX was 7). His parents divorced a few years later - his mom
had nothing to do with him for about 8 years. No contact at all. Dad was an abusive alcoholic.
I am very lucky and has a wonderful childhood.
Married 11/97
2/98 my sister died as a result of childbirth to my nephew
10/98 my brother in law committed suicide and my husband and I were guardians of both my niece and nephew. Eventually we adopt both and have a family.
Raised both as our own. We tried to get pregnant ourselves, but were not successful. Decided not to do fertility treatments because we loved the two children we had and felt if it happened it would be a blessing, but if not, we had two wonderful kids.
Raised our family- had ups and downs, he tended to struggles with his anger and frustration and I was the peace keeper.
2016- we were in London, England visiting our son who was studying abroad. While we were there he told me he wanted a separation. I was devastated.
We separated for three months, went to counseling, but always felt I was at fault. He went on a dating site and had a date with someone . D28 saw the message pop up on his phone. His story was his friends thought he should try dating while we were separated. Said D28, broke into my phone and saw the message “ a total lie.
He moved back in said “I have made my decision and I am
coming home.” I was still in shock and disbelief and just let him
move back in, I shut down and pretty much just tried to survive.
2018- EX gets obsessed with working out.
2019- get the ILYBNILWY speech.
Find out he is spending time with a girl 17 years younger from the gym and “it’s not what you think.”
Nov 2019 moved out- weekend after Thanksgiving take two trash bags out the door and is gone. Starts divorce process.
Rest of 2019/ early 2020 extreme clinging boomerang
July 2020 divorce final
Buys the house in our town that I always loved. Assumed OW (friend from gym) moved in with him - I don’t ask. D28 refuses to meet her S 25 has met her a few times , but it’s never at his house.
Have spent the last three years trying to detach. He will text me Happy Birthday, Merry Christmas etc. Kids see him a few times a year. He has told them that he deserves to see them more and that they owe him
after everything he has done for them- monster much?
June 2023 announced to our two kids that they are going to be a big brother and sister. He also told them they had no idea how difficult it was for “me and your mother” to have you come live with us when they first came to us. D28 had the wind knocked out of her and was visibly upset with tears in her eyes. His response was, “Really, that is how you are going to react.” She left the restaurant and told him she never wanted to see him again. S25 stayed and talked to him for a few more minutes. Both are devastated and we all are. By the way, OW was not at dinner when he told them about the baby.
I’m not sure what exactly I am asking for. I have been standing up to this point, but the hurt and pain he has caused all of us is crushing. I guess I want to know I am not alone and that there are people who understand how horrific this whole situation is. I appreciate you taking the time to read my story.

[WHY]

This is a very difficult situation and I recommend reaching out to RCR so she can do a video on this.  These are the complicated stories she’s good at figuring out a survival plan for. 

I’m so sorry. 

https://m.youtube.com/@theherosspouse4798/streams

[Treasur]

I am so very sorry for all of your losses. We get loss here and quite a few of us have suffered losses as well as MLC losses and aftershocks, so you are not alone.

As to why you posted? Maybe you just wanted to feel heard. And to hear the key message, which we all need reminding of from time to time, that none of this was your fault or failing. Sadly that also means that, much as you might wish you could, you can’t protect your much loved adult kids from your xh’s words or behaviour either. But you can be the sane loving solid parent in a storm that it sounds like you have always been.

As many of us here know, the cruelty and entitled self-centredness of an MLC ex/spouse is hard to explain unless you’ve experienced it, isn’t it? It’s pretty common but still awful to experience even second-hand or from far away.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

First of all, welcome to the party that no one really wants to attend. However, there are some great people and will listen and give great advice. The second part, is wow, what a story. I really admire that you raised your niece and nephew as your own and created a loving home for them to thrive.

Now as far as your ex goes, I am very disappointed.

He has told them that he deserves to see them more and that they owe him
after everything he has done for them- monster much?

Funny thing is that I say the same thing to our dog who prefers and loves my wife more. It has no impact on her either. Your kids don't owe your ex anything.  They didn't sign any agreements to such facts when they moved in with you. They had lost both parents and needed someone to step up and thankfully, you did.

Raised our family- had ups and downs, he tended to struggles with his anger and frustration and I was the peace keeper.

What frustrations and anger over what? From my cheap seats, it seems he has always had an issue with dissatisfaction with his life. He has dealt with abandonment and his own loss. If anything, you would think he would have empathy towards the niece and nephew. I don't know and the crisis of his identity has a lot to do with his own unresolved conflict from youth.

June 2023 announced to our two kids that they are going to be a big brother and sister. He also told them they had no idea how difficult it was for “me and your mother” to have you come live with us when they first came to us.

Obviously he was not read "How to make friends and influence others." Besides doing a great job of destroying any relationship he has with his kids, is he mentally prepared for an infant in the house? My brother in law and his wife just had a baby. I absolutely love when the baby comes to visit....yes, visit. A baby is a lot of work and the first months are exhausting. I wonder what he will tell his child in the future. "You know when you were born, we weren't sure if we were going to let you stay. Neither one of us really liked you."

I have been standing up to this point, but the hurt and pain he has caused all of us is crushing.

I can't really give any advice except for one caveat; live, live as if he is never coming back. You are the adult and parent to two wonderful people and that should be your focus and direction. This is your journey without him. Standing is great, but moving forward is optimum.

You have done a great job so far and just continue to do what you feel is best for you and your children.

((((Ready))))

[Raphael]

I hope I am replying the correct way, all three at once.
Why, 
thank you for the idea to send it to RCR. I will try to get my story in a more succinct format.
Treasur,
Thank you for hearing me. I also think I just need to process the feeling that I am being replaced on so many levels (and the kids as well) Obviously, I was the reason we could not get pregnant since he was able to get someone else pregnant.  I appreciate your thoughts.
readytofixmyselffirst,
You have asked some great questions.
I have tried to explain to my kids that they do not owe XH a darn thing! So thank you for reassuring me that I am on the right track.
I think you are correct that he has had dissatisfaction with his life all along. He always wanted to be the best at what he did- graduated high school fourth in his class, built a very successful finance  business. I think he was always trying to please his dad even though he didn’t have respect for him. He and his dad have a better relationship now, but they are still not close and he still resents his mom for what she did to him. I on the other hand have amazing parents and  expended family. He never said it out loud, but I think he resented them for some reason.  When this all first happened, I was in utter shock and went looking for what in the world happened. When I read about MLC, he ticked so many of the boxes. Now that I have had time to process it all, I wonder if he had these traits all along and I just didn’t see it. I read a book on passive aggressive covert narcissism and seemed to see some similarities while reading that book- not as many as MLC, but many.
You made me laugh out loud when you referenced the book, How to Make Friends and Influence Others. At this point I think it will take a very long time and a lot of healing for them to want him back in their lives other than an obligatory Happy “whatever” text.
He sold his successful business (after the divorce) so I am sure he can hire as many nannies as he needs to get enough rest- he is 52 you know 
I am trying my darndest to keep moving forward. I grieve the life I thought I would have and do focus on my two kids- who are super awesome by the way.
I cannot thank you all enough. Not too many people understand what living through this is really like.

[xyzcf]

 

Not too many people understand what living through this is really like.

Welcome to Hero's Spouse.

Here is a safe place and a place where people will understand. It as a true gift.

It is hard to understand how some MLCer's totally leave their children behind. If this were a 'marriage" problem, then what do our kids have to do with them leaving?

No matter what age, our children are impacted by the blowing up of their lives and the rejection from a parent. And they know that we are there for them and they recognized that the MLC parent has left the show...this rejection is hard for all of us and even other family members.

[forthetrees]

I think you may find the book The Body Keeps the Score useful in processing the traumas that have befallen you. You´ve been dealt multiple blows one of which would likely flatten most people and yet... here you are plugging along. It speaks to some inner strength that has not been demolished- an inner pillar that has cracked and maybe crumbled a bit but with support can stand tall and mighty once again. I hope you find support here and cleanse the cracks of your core of any blame, doubt or shame that you brought this upon yourself. Your ex has a long road back to establishing trust with your kids if he chooses to own up to the hurt he unleashed though that is out of your control. Life is precious and I hope that you and the kids can find some sparkle of joy every day from the mundane to the milestones. 

[Raphael]

Thank you all so much. It’s comforting to know there are people who understand.
It’s interesting that you mentioned the book, The Body Keeps the Score. It is sitting on my nightstand. I have started it several times, but my fuzzy thinking makes it hard to concentrate. I have a wonderful therapist- she said I have compound trauma. I will try again to
read it. Since all of this I have been diagnosed with vestibular migraines and syncope so I have horrible balance issues. I am sure the stress I was/am under made my health much worse.
Right at the time of BD, my uncle who was like a father to me died suddenly. I had to go to the funeral out of state. EX was on a “business trip” and couldn’t make it. I knew then things were over and he was not going to be there to support me. A year later, to the day, his daughter , my closest cousin overdosed and passed away.
During the divorce OW lived about four blocks from me. The first time I saw them in the car together I literally felt like I had been stabbed. OW was married to an older brother of boys my kids went to school with. Her ex FIL was my son’s little league coach for years. Oh and her ex was my ex’s physical therapist when he had knee surgery the summer before BD- they all worked out at the gym together so my ex asked him to be his PT.
Every time I got in my car to go anywhere I almost had a panic attack because I was afraid I would see her/them. Once when she drove past me while was walking my dog she laughed at me. The next time she drove past me I waved to her with just one special finger flipped up on both hands.
EX bought a house on her street (the same house I had admired all the years we lived in our small town). So now OW is living in the house I always loved and is going to raise a child there with my Ex.
I don’t live in that town any more- my Ex and I were in the process of building a house closer to my parents, still in the same metro area, just a different town. He walked away from everything and left me to pack up our old house and  finish building the new house on my own.
I’m so sorry to go on and on- I guess I just needed to vent.
Again, thank you all so much for being so supportive.

[MadLuv]

i’m so sorry you find yourself here. You both have suffered huge losses in life and I can relate. Also, your XH seems to be a seeker of fulfillment as was mine. Issues never dealt with tend to do that. They are seeking the next high to get them through. You are almost 3 years in from BD and so you have a good grasp now on what has happened and the reality of the situation, but it makes it hard when their selfishness hurts kids they have loved for decades. Also, to buy your dream house is crushing. Thats what they do. My ex gives and does things for his new wife that he new I loved. It’s hard to understand it.

Do your best to turn a blond eye to him if you can. Enjoy your kids and life the best you can. Fake it till you make it has never been truer. The more you force yourself out there to live the more new memories you will have to help clear your head. I found that the hardest. I had noting to say to anyone as he was my world. So, I had to make a new world. Keep moving forward. My XH moved his wife into out second home. That was hard, but no baby. I can’t imagine. I’m so sorry for the loss of your sister and BIL. Their kids are so lucky to have you. You have been through a lot in life. I can relate. That will help you through!!

[Treasur]

I was so glad, Raphael, when I read at the end of your post that you are no longer living in the same town.

I was also diagnosed with PTSD about three years post BD. I couldn’t read much for a couple of years and couldn’t listen to music for about five. I had lived quite a big life before but with PTSD even small things could freeze me in my tracks. And yes, my health also suffered. I know that there are others here who were also diagnosed with PTSD….tbh I think there are quite a few LBS here who had PTSD symptoms even if they were not diagnosed with it. Sometimes I can see PTSD type words posted here bc when you have experienced it, you recognise it I think.

PTSD is awful….but you CAN get better from it, better than you think now you can get. Fwiw, recovering from PTSD is your absolute priority now……let the rest go….bc it is hard to live life properly carrying a PTSD backpack. Don’t worry about  not being able to read the book yet….if you Google you will find some podcast interviews with Bessel van der Kolk if that’s easier or some simple summaries on different websites of how PTSD ‘works’ and how you can begin to recover from it.

What do I mean by let the rest go? Imho, it’s about a kind of acceptance…..not agreement or even comprehension but Acceptance…..that these terrible things have actually happened and that bc they have, the landscape of your life is now different. That these things happened to you and around you, but not because of you, but they have still changed your landscape to one that you didn’t choose but need to find a way to live with. Your xh has chosen his path….that may or may not work out well for him, it may or may not change….but where you are is where you are regardless of what happens with his future life. So, let it go; it doesn’t belong to you.

It is easy to see why it might feel like it is about you, or a rejection of you…or as if things have been stolen from you…..but that is not accurate. What we seem to see often here is that these kind of folks try to fix themselves by doing a ‘do over’ that excludes the key bits (and people) of decades of their old life…..they reject themselves really, we are just objects in the old life….anecdotally that rarely turns out to be the magic fix they hope bc of course they carry that big internal fracture with them. But that is their challenge to work out, not yours. Or your kids. So, let it go…..grieve the h and life you loved as you need to, but let it go….you have more important things to focus on for your own life that you CAN control or influence or change.

The big message that I learned is that PTSD is not about character or willpower lol. It is almost mechanical…..x happens so y happens then z happens….recovery means getting acquainted with how that little bit of your reptilian brain functions and how to soothe her out of being the driver of your car and back into the back seat. I called mine Lucy the Lizard! Your Lucy is doing her job, bless her, of trying to help you survive in what feels to her like a world of tigers….recovery is about learning to manage your Lucy when your cognitive brain knows it’s not a tiger, it’s a stripy curtain! Bessel van der Kolk’s main point is that trauma is a physical and biochemical experience….not a thinking one….and that for most of us, the way through and out is mostly physical too.

Trial and error is part of the process imho.

What kinds of things make you feel safer and calmer right now, as if you can breathe properly? What makes you feel Safe as opposed to safe? Or triggers Fear as opposed to fear? Sometimes these things are obvious….but sometimes they can be quite small or surprising. And it is a deeply personal thing. The sound of a mobile phone ring used to make me feel like vomiting for instance even if it wasn’t my phone…..there were solid logical reasons for this in events that had happened, but as you can imagine it made some bits of modern life quite tricky lol. Some triggers were predictable and I could see them coming and prepare for them…certain dates or places or activities…but the ones that knocked me on my a$$ and caused me great self-doubt were often the small ones I did not see coming….a smell, a voice that sounded like my father’s, car alarms. Learning how to calm my Lucy down when these things happened was an important part of my path forwards as well as giving myself permission to stay away from things (or people) that caused more damage when I was momentarily more vulnerable. And tbh reaching a point when I could be a little more matter of fact about how my PTSD came out to play with close friends who cared about me but did not understand what I needed was a big step for me too. I was frequently amazed by people’s kindness and desire to respect my limitations at a given time. Like you, and perhaps in my case why PTSD came calling lol, I had a great and secure childhood and life pre-bd (my xh like yours not so much) so it was a strange and humbling experience to find myself so far out in the long grass of a world that felt so alien to me.

For me, walking and gardening helped, getting outside. Learning to breathe properly helped when I got overwhelmed. Yoga helped a bit but later down the path. In addition to that, having done some talking therapy (which took the edge of but did not really change the PTSD for me), I was lucky enough to find an EMDR therapist who specialised in trauma recovery and that, for me, was the real beginning of my own recovery. Does your current therapist specialise in trauma? If not, I would encourage you to find one that does bc it is a specialist field.

When I was at my worst, I did not believe that I would ever find a way out or that I would feel anything like my non-PTSD self again. I was wrong. Which means I am here to tell you that there IS a way out and that it does not need to feel forever like it feels now. But the first step imho is to take the PTSD seriously….as seriously as you would take a life-limiting physical illness….and to start the shift from coping (which i did too for a few years) to aiming for recovery. I am not a fan of pretending so, much as I wish I could, it would not be true to say that I am the same as I was before or that I do not have the odd PTSD blip….there is some residue from a set of huge awful life-altering experiences so perhaps there is a Me, a PTSD Me and a post-PTSD Me?….but I am a million times better now than a couple of years ago. Tbh the process has felt to me a bit like a kind of slow flowering….I continue to unfold and see my own progress long after my formal PTSD treatment ended. I am more Me now than six months ago even. And I am amazed and grateful for that still, and grateful too that it means I can show up here to talk to you about Lucy the Lizard now.