[titleholder]

Titleholder, it’s nice to hear from you. It’s good to hear you’re able to distance yourself from your H. My xh is similar to your ex in the sense that this year he would still try to pull me back in his rollercoaster. Like on my last bday , he sent me a card telling me he’s sad and crying every night because he missed me. All the time he was with his OW. Also this summer he replied to my email by closing it with Love, his name. All this time he was vacationing with the OW. So as much as possible try not to het sucked in again in his crazy ride. Continue your journey to healing. Now you knpw what kind of men you should be avoiding. That’s progress.

Thank you for your reply Dragonfly! It always amazes me how alike they al are… Crazy that somewhere deep down they probably really care for us, but then turn around and will choose the OW over and over and over again.

[titleholder]

TH, I'm thrilled that you will continue journaling your LBS life here.   

I hope you and D have a great Holiday season upcoming!

Thank you FW! I wish you the same!!

[Reinventing]

Crazy that somewhere deep down they probably really care for us,

Yes, and given their actions--choosing OW, living somewhere else, making memories with others--it is good to stay detached instead of being pulled in to their unstable fantasy world.

They "ping" us when it's easy for them. "Pretty is as pretty does", would be what I remember being told and their actions speak volumes.

[UrsaMajor]

Yes, and given their actions--choosing OW, living somewhere else, making memories with others--it is good to stay detached instead of being pulled in to their unstable fantasy world.

They "ping" us when it's easy for them. "Pretty is as pretty does", would be what I remember being told and their actions speak volumes.

They be checkin' that Anchor.... <Yank Yank!  Still there?>

[Dragonfly33]

They be checkin' that Anchor.... <Yank Yank!  Still there?>

Only that the ship has sailed.

[titleholder]

All truer then true, still! The advice to focus on yourself and create stability is gold in the beginning after BD but is still as effective years later. Crazy to think that slowly my '2 year anniversary' of BD is creeping closer. It still is a rollercoaster ride but luckily I have stepped off for the most part.

[beyondblessed]

Great update,TH.  You are learning the lessons and putting your focus and energy where it will be best served:  YOU and your child.  You cannot control what the MLC'ER chooses to do, over and over again, but you can move forward and create a life you will truly love and one of which you can be proud.  That's where the magic happens;  turning ashes to diamonds.

[KayDee]

Next to that I sort of experienced a touch & go with my xH. I wasn’t dating and he and the OW broke it off. They went on a holiday together but this was a total disaster and my xH ended the vacation after two days and went home. We talked a lot, about him, about me, about our relationship and the relationship we both had. Nothing physical happened, but the emotional connection was there again. I sort of went in with no expectations but quickly realised I got sucked in on his rollercoaster. I know this isn’t considered as ‘wise’ as my xH is clearly still far in the tunnel but I decided to open the conversation; what are we doing here? Why do we have this kind of contact? What’s the meaning? This ended up again being a really confusion conversation where he stated that he really cares for me but … (enter MLC blabla here). He even stated that I'm the only one he can really talk to about what he's going through right now. What the hell..? He really likes the life with low responsibillity for our D and that he has a lot of free time to do what he wants. That I have the exact opposite of that doesn’t even accur to him. He’s still only focused on his wants and his needs. I saw glimmers of my old xH, but quickly they were gone again replaced by the selfish MLC’er. During that conversation I discoverd that he and OW were back on, so after a moment of clearity off in the tunnel he goes! So boundaries are in place again and dark/dim contact. I think this really was my last straw of hope. I know MLC takes a long time but I just can’t take it anymore.. I think he'll never grow up and face responsibility.

I wanted to respond to your message on my thread TH (thank you for your comments - I nodded along), but then I had to start a new thread - so I thought I would respond here. What you describe above, I see many similarities with what happened to me in the summer. It's hard not to get drawn in, because we still hold the image of our former spouse in our hearts  - so when we get glimpses and in this case it seems like a big glimpse with some introspection on his part  - well, it is so bittersweet, and I for one wanted to believe that my H was going to work on himself. And maybe he meant it when he said it, but what I suspect happens in these early days is that, when they are struggling, they are drawn towards us because we know them so well and they may feel safe with us. Perhaps it is initially soothing for them and perhaps they think we will pick them up and say 'there, there'.  At the same time, we represent damage they have to repair. WE are not the damage, but they have caused us harm, and they know that (deep, or not so deep, down). So, it's just too hard for them and I suspect they bury it all in denial and/or blame, and b*gger off to shiny new attentions of an OW.

My H seemed to have a lot of self-reflection -  he even said 'what I did to you was appalling' - and wouldn't you think that the next line that followed would be 'and I am sorry'? But, no. This to me says it all. Sounds like you xH is still in projection blame mode. How nice of him to 'care for you but...' - doesn't he realize he is the one being a jackass man-child at this moment? And not the catch of the day. It should be you saying 'I care for you, but [insert your own description]' For me,  I think if I hear or experience a real apology, that would be a good start. But, same as with your exH, it's still all about him. So it's really great to hear you and your D are thriving. You thrived despite what was thrown at you, which in many ways will make your bond stronger I suspect.

[Dragonfly33]

I cannot agree more that what KD had said. Same thing with my xh even 4 years after BD. Mind you, I got many apologies from my xH back then only to be followed by a whole litany of all about himself. Even this year when he tried to contact me and draw me back into his drama. It’s still all about him. A real apology is backed up with consistent actions.

[MadLuv]

So true. Although I feel when my XH gives the small apologies he thinks he is being sincere. “I’m sorry, I don't know what happened to me” or  “ I think I was just disrespecting myself” just always a me me apology.