[FrenchHusband]

Hi Mimosa,

I like your alias, same word in French for this nice flower.

I went NC few months after BD : I was desperate for quick solutions and it was a solution promoted by forums or seduction coaches as a magic tool for self fix and "ex recovery". I was a bit reluctant for this solution because W was at home, so I used ski holidays to implement it.

For my case, NC was a disaster : W blamed me for that, after this she did not allow me to kiss her and touch her (so increase of distance). And it did not help me to detach : I found progressively detachment and internal peace even with a W at home.

[Reinventing]

I would say that anything that is done to try and change their behavior is unlikely to succeed. We only have control over our behavior.

Doing things,  including less, smart, or no contact for the LBS own stabilization, healing, and sanity is a different thing and each person figures out what they need in order to heal. And it can change over time and circumstances.

[Mimosa]

Yes.. It is better for me for sure if I have less or no contact with him. Because everytime I see him, I get anxiety. Plus it is a way for me to get used to him not being in the picture. Sometimes he’s not home for days that I am able to focus in myself and my children.  It is true that it is impossible to do the NC especially still living under one roof and having children. I just text him when something important comes up. There are still times when we see each other  So I just try and avoid him. I am going to see a therapist this week to help me with my anxiety and help dealing with my H. I have my good and bad days.. what is hard for me right now is thinking about the good memories and I just lose it. I have been better at GAL. I go out more with friends, doing more fun things with the kiddos.


Treasur- Thanks for the advice!! He is definitely acting like a teenager right now. I just take it day by day. And when I do see him, I just pretend he’s a roommate right now. Even though it is so hard!! I usually have a good cry after I see him. Before I kicked him out of our bedroom, he was still really nice to me. Then I asked him to move in our garage. Then he def started treating me like crap. because he didn’t get what he wanted.  Saying horrible things and doing things that he knows would upset me. At first, I was really affected by it. Until i’m slowly starting to realize it’s not my fault. It is not easy for sure, i still have really bad days. And I spiral back down. But almost no contact is helping me for sure.. It is giving me clarity. and it is always him that initiates conversations not me. He has calmed down a tiny bit but still goes and leaves out house for hours/ days.  I am starting to get better at not hoping that everytime he’s nice to me that his MLC  is over.. It used to crush me everytime..


French Husband- Thanks!! I like that name too!! My NC/ Less contact with him is hard. We still have to talk about our responsiblities so I would rather just text him. And when I see him, he always initiates the conversation and I just pretend he’s a roommate right now. it’s hard. But if I don’t talk to him for days he texts me and asks me how I’m doing or if I break my daily routine he texts me and asks where I am. I don’t know what to think of it sometimes..

[PhoenixRising75]

Wow, just wow, Mimosa. The texts wanting to know where you are, I really wish I understood what motivates them to think they have the right? My H does this as well. He is out doing whatever he wants whenever he wants, but if I go across the street to a local bar all of my coworkers hang out at, I receive a text, insisting/pleading that I be careful.. He has turned off his location (he set up the family location on all of our phones years ago), but watches my location.  And I know he has been reading both my and my son’s texts. Every so often he gives himself away by knowing something about a conversation he shouldn’t be privy to. It’s almost always about a purchase I helped either of my kids with. He demands to know why I’m helping them. The answer is always the same. Because they asked for my help, and they are paying me back. They always do. My kids are very responsible that way. I think it triggers his ego that they don’t go to him, but he was always out and about, not accessible for so many years, it doesn’t even cross their minds to ask him.
They expect full autonomy and their freedom. The refuse to “grant” us ours. It’s ridiculous, really. Yes, I understand I could just turn off the location sharing, but he’d just find another way, and I’m sure it would be even more invasive so I haven’t bothered. I understand fully that I have no expectations of privacy in my texts, and leave any and all information about my H out of them completely. This will all be sorted at a later date, but for now, because I know he is irrational, it’s safer to just let him feel like he has some kind of control in the situation.
I am glad that your abridged version of NC is helping you find some peace, and allowing you to trust yourself again. That’s one of the biggest gifts I have received so far from going through all of this. I trust my own judgement again. My perceptions of how things are, well, they actually are closer to the truth. My memory is far superior and intact, and I no longer second guess my version of events. H can’t even remember who bought him his new pair of pants. He thought I did. He just showed up one day wearing them, and then 2 months later asked if I could find him another pair because he likes them so much. Dude, that wasn’t me. Lol.
Take care!

[Mimosa]

Right? What gives them the right!!! Lol Last night he said he would be home but when I came home he was gone. He has this backpack that he brings sometimes with clothes and I know if he brings that backpack, that means he won’t come home. I don’t even want to know where he goes..or what he does with his time. Me being very upset,   I messaged one of my BFFs and asked if I could come over for bit and ended up staying at her house  till 4 am. I messaged him prior this and asked if he was coming home. No reply. So i left. Then he messages me back this am and says.. “You were out till 4 so what difference does it make if I come home or not” i was like W. T. F. 😂😂😂 is he for real? Then 10 mins later he asks me if I was working tonight because he was thinking of helping me with garden stuff and having a bbq afterwards.. like talking about trying to  take control of your life and playing with your emotions!!! I have learned that I will just treat him like a roommate and not fall for his BS. Before I would actually believe him, he will be nice to me for a couple of days, Me thinking he might be coming back to us then he leaves and won’t come for a few days.. And I would spiral back down. It is so hard dealing with him. He def knows how to play with my emotions.

I take it day by day. I never initiate conversations unless it’s very important. I would rather him not be here at our house because I feel more at ease. And it’s a way of me getting used to him not around me and our teenagers. When he’s around my anxiety goes up and I don’t know what to do or say. He always gaslights me and  blames me for what is going on. At first I believed him. And now, I just laugh and shake my head at what he tells me.

[UrsaMajor]

He always gaslights me and  blames me for what is going on. At first I believed him. And now, I just laugh and shake my head at what he tells me.

That is the best that you can do is to just laugh at their nonsense and walk away.

There is a saying here that, when dealing with a Mid-Lifer, believe NONTHING of what you hear and only 50% of what you see until the behaviour is consistent & repetitive.

Also known as
Q: "How do you know when a Mid-Lifer is lying or gaslighting?"
A: "Their lips are moving and sound is coming out."

[MadLuv]

Wow, can’t imagine. Mine wants me to check on him ( which I wont now) but I don't think he cares what me or his kids or grandson are doing. He has isolated himself in a bubble. Not sure how I would handle that situation.

[PhoenixRising75]

Ooooof, that backpack, Mimosa. I know it well. Wonder if they shopped at the same place? Ooooohhhhh, shooot. Money making idea. We need to start an e-commerce store selling backpacks for MLC’ers. Fun logos and sayings like, “I should be home with my wife, but I’m a s**tshow”, or “I party hard because I’m empty inside” or, “Manchild seeking I have no idea what”.
In the meantime, we support MadLuv’s new thread. “MadLuv’s Dream Car cuz my XH is a Dumbass”. Brought to you by OW’s Mercedes.

[Mimosa]

Phoenixrising- That made me LOL!! We def should!! 😂😂😂 it would be a good business!!!

Madluv- yeah it sucks.. I just go out with friends, he texts me within the hour and asks where I am because all
Of a sudden “he wants to switch cars with me”  or he says sweet things and If I don’t reply, he gets mad!!! He’s too controlling even though he’s the one that “ended our marriage”.. I don’t get him.. but he can leave and not go home for days.. SMH

Ursamajor- yeah.. the things that he says are ridiculous!!! It’s sad actually.. so I usually just ignore him now.

[MadLuv]

Mimosa- that is something
Phoenix- hahahahha.

In the meantime, we support MadLuv’s new thread. “MadLuv’s Dream Car cuz my XH is a Dumbass”. Brought to you by OW’s Mercedes.

hilarious!!