[MadLuv]

So my D33 messaged BIL, SIL and MIL and said, in light of what came to light this weekend I want to make it know that I do not want my father to be told of my pregnancy. If you have already shared it with him than I would like for you to tell me.  She said, they all just gave it a thumbs up as the acknowledgment. She said, I think that deserved more of a response than that.

Again, everyone is trying to control situations and information with each other. All around one person that is causing do much havoc.  I honestly dont know how people move completely past this all when you have these vanishers that dont completely vanish in every way. They pop up here or there wanting people to play their game and cover for them created so much conflict with in those left behind.


It has never been more apparent than now that people truly cant understand unless they have been here. Unless they have experienced this. I feel I have moved forward. He doesn’t affect me daily, but it is always a feeling of knowing that you almost cant move forward without the feeling of a bomb coming at any time. I have weekly alimony for another  10 years or do  I?  His spending is outnof control and I am sure if he runs out I will be the first to go.

So, after much thought I do think maybe I do need to let my BIL and family go. This past year I went to on football game with BiL but I stopped communicating with him otherwise. They reached out to come and visit this summer vs me asking them. I had decided that if they wanted to be involved they would have to initiate also and they did.  So, I think I will do the same. Just stop communicating. Not make a firm line in the sand, but let them initiate. D33 is having a baby in December. Lets see what that all brings to the family. I just know after the visit I have that feeling that I am the crazy one. I cant let anyone make me feel like my pain  of this betrayal and trauma isnt valid  or I should just be all better now. That I am not allowed to have residual affects from this trauma or be triggered.

They are related to him. To be together and have to act like he doesnt exist or expect no one to say a word about him is and would be unnatural. 30 years together with him and them. You are then being asked to gather and just wipe that person out . I do think even if the 9 year old would not have brought the situation up and nothing was said Seeing BIL alone  bring XH to my mind. Do I want that? Do I need that? It’s a sad situation, but what XH was so disrespectful and hurtful to me and our kids and I just dont think you ever get past that betrayal.

So, thats where I am. I am so very thankful for all the responses and specially the hard ones!! The ones you need to read twice and revaluate yourself. The ones on control. Weighing all the options. I really love BIL and family. His mother and other  BIL and family I can live forever without and it wont bother me, but BIL and family will be a loss, but I just dont think I can be around his family without it bringing XH into my mind. I think I will always be curious about whats happening in XH life to some extent. I built my life around him. We have children and grandchildren. His absence will affect us forever. So, being around BIL and being expected to ignore him as person that exists is a trigger for me. Thats where the problem is and I had to figure that out. I cant put myself in a position to have to go against what is natural to me.  Or to be made to feel like if I replace him all will be good. I dont swap people in and out. I committed and trauma and betrayal doesn’t wipe that out.  I dont want him back, but I haven’t gotten past the family and person I thought he was and we had.  I truly dont know if my whole life with him was a lie. I think that taints all future relationships I could have. Thats what these people in crisis do. They make it so hard to move on with someone else, but not to move forward. I have definitely done that.

Thank you all so much again. Its so nice to come and put your thoughts out and have everyone give you the hard facts and truths, because we are all in this unique situation that no one understands unless they have been here

[UrsaMajor]

Even adopted children who have a beautiful family seek out birth families to complete their self. Understand where they came from, even though where they come from is where they were raised and have little to do with their genetics being the formation of their self.

Some do ( if they are even able), I would venture to say that most don't. I am adopted from birth and have NO desire to find my birth parents. Why should I? My mother (my REAL mother, the one that raised me, the one that changed my diapers, the one that took me to the doctor when I was sick, the one that held my head and my hand if I was throwing up in the night, the one that dealt with my teenage rebellion, etc., etc., etc.) is my mother, not the woman that gave birth to me or the man that was basically a sperm donor (they were young and unmarried and not ready for children).
My brother, on the other hand, was hard over to find HIS birth mother to see if maybe he could get an inheritance or some other form of money. He did find her and she had 4 or 5 kids, was dying of cancer, and had no interest in meeting him.

[MadLuv]

Exactly URSA, that’s why I said that who you're are were raised by is your family not who brought you in to the world.  My sister gave a child up for adoption and that child sought her out after her mother died out of respect for her mother who raised her. I dont think my sister lived up to her expectations and she has decided she does not want a relationship with her. I know that is and has been devastating to my sister. My brother had a child by a one night stand that he did not know about for 10 years and they reached out to me to find him. My brother still hasnt met her, but I have.

Personally every adopted person I know has sought out their birth parents and more times than not it has not worked out well. But in reference to my kids situation my point was that if adopted children are curious when the birth parents have not been in their life from day one, then once dedicated parents that leave for whatever reason have children that will continue to want to know them or what they are doing.

Our kids are suffering a loss. They lost a father that was in their life for 30 years who they loved and respected and now he has cut them out. Replaced them with 2 new adult daughters. They absolutely have the right to look and seek what is happening in his life. To be curious. Its natural. So, my point was many adoptees are curious. If a parent that was once loving disappears even more so. He is still living but in all aspects is like he has died. Feeling unloved with no explanation in this situation with a vanisher extends beyond the spouse that was left. I also feel fault in it, even though I know it is not my fault. He chose to leave me and now it is difficult for him to be their parent without me.

The fact is the lies and deception on his new relationship made it almost impossible for our kids to accept her, but my daughter did try and they made it impossible for her. They just are not people she is comfortable around. Having sex in open spaces they are in with her son and doing drugs is not something my daughter is up for. And that is what he married.

[MadLuv]

A little sad update. My D33 reached out to her grandmother (Xh mother) and told her that she was hurt that she came to visit her and that she lied to her about her father coming to see her with his OW/wife. She told her grandmother that she understands trying to accept him where he is and with who he is with as she had tried her hardest as well. What she cant handle is anymore lies from family as her father has lied so much that it isnt something she can handle anymore.

Her grandmother read it and completely ignored it. Never responded. It has been over a week. D33 said, I am done with that side of the family. I said, I think you can clearly see that his mother, brothers and himself are all avoidants. It just is what it is. She said, me own grandmother. I said, I know. It’s hard to accept, because you would not do that to her.

In time everyone and everything reveals itself. I always knew issues started with XH grandfather and trickled down. I am with D33 that it is time to just let them be.
D33 said, let them all get together. It wont take 5 minuted before they realize they cant do it again.

This is all just so very sad for my kids and I just hope that my daughters new baby will bring the light back for her. She definitely seems to be in a very bad place. I think the baby reminded her how unnatural this all is. I still when I have to think about it can’t believe this is the man we knew for 30 years, but it is clearly
Coming to light that it is his family in total and I hope my kids have some relief in knowing that it has nothing to do with them.

[beyondblessed]

ML, I feel for your daughter, your son as well, but your daughter in particular because the first man in a little girl's life is her father.  This is supposed to be the one man who is ALWAYS  there for her, and your xh has failed miserably.  It seems to be what these types do, in the need to escape themselves.  Sad to realize that we are all just collateral damage in their war against themselves.

I know your D struggled to become pregnant, so that makes this doubly sad that her father isn't able to celebrate this time with her.  He undoubtedly will regret this in the future.  Just another failure to add to the growing pile, but as you have said, it runs in the family and likely won't change anytime soon.

[MadLuv]

Thank you BB and you are so right. My D33 said, I have so much more insight into things having spent that weekend there ( march 2022) . She said, I thought I was going there with my family to spend the weekend alone with my Dad and of course the OW/wife. We get there and my dad says we invited others. She said both daughters and their boyfriends and the older daughters BF daughter. She said, they ran the whole weekend. Slept until 11 and then when we would do something the daughters would just go off. Were going bowling, were going clubing. She said, never asked us. They just told us what they were doing. What we were eating, when we were eating.

She said, then OW/wife says to me. I understand why your upset your dad took us to disney and not you because my younger daughters father took
His smaller kids and didn’t invite her and she was very hurt. D33 said, then why would you do that to me? And those where his kids. Your kids are not my fathers kids.  She said, well we like to go places. So, I need to know that everytime we go on a trip your not going to have a blow up. D33 said, I have the right to be upset and if I am upset again I will also have that right.

D33 obviously never told me all this 2 years ago, but she is letting it all put now. She said, he is with a bunch of thugs. I dont know. It’s all alot to take in. I feel bad she has felt she had to just  live with this . I have said it earlier this month and I will say it again. It is unbelievable how much damage one person can do to a family. My therapist always said that once they put their head down they live with what they are doing, but I think the avoidant is so good at lying to themselves and justifying their actions that they truly believe they are the victims.

[MadLuv]

You know… I don’t know if liars actually believe their lies. Maybe they have just convinced themselves of a different truth.

[Songanddance]

Her grandmother read it and completely ignored it. Never responded. It has been over a week. D33 said, I am done with that side of the family. I said, I think you can clearly see that his mother, brothers and himself are all avoidants.

Consider this - much of their behaviour is rooted in shame and guilt.  That explains a lot of their behaviour.  My h's extended family (3 half sisters much older too) could not cope with H and OW and even though they were civil to me, I wasn't invited to any family event until recently.  The middle sister did confide me at the older sister's funeral last year, that she was sorry it had all happened and she had always considered me her SIL and part of the family. The other 2 sisters though - a lot more judgemental but rooted in shame. Even now I have reconnected with H and he still calls me his wife, one of them won't invite me to anything because she still thinks that I was the cause of their shame. It's warped, twisted and bizarre but there it is.

I am sorry that your D33 has had to have such conversations with OW. Perhaps like you she might be better off setting boundaries with her dad. 
Something like......

"Dad - I would like to spend more one to one time with you. I accept you have a new life and I am asking that within your new life you create some space for me on a personal one to one basis. If this is not possible for you, then I will be unable to come to your home with OW and her family.  If you would like to meet up for a coffee and/or meal so that we can share some short time together that would be great.  If you cannot do this, then for the time being, I will not be able to meet you and share parts of  my life with you which is what I would like to do with you as my Dad. "

Just worth a thought....

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

Just another failure to add to the growing pile, but as you have said, it runs in the family and likely won't change anytime soon.

Great point. So, why won't they change? Because it works for them. Remember the Aesop fable of the fox and the grapes. The fox couldn't reach the grapes and finally gives up. He justifies his quitting by stating that they are probably sour anyway.

Everyone in the family just puts their heads down and move forward. This means they are moving, but they never see the bigger picture the whole of their actions. Your exh only saw himself and his actions were to  satisfy him and him only. He didn't consider his wife, his children, his family or his friends. He never saw them. Just what he wanted. All of his lies and other rants were just justification. He has no empathy for any of you at all.

OW may be a pain, but once again, he chose her. He is not the victim but the perpetrator.

"Dad - I would like to spend more one to one time with you. I accept you have a new life and I am asking that within your new life you create some space for me on a personal one to one basis. If this is not possible for you, then I will be unable to come to your home with OW and her family.  If you would like to meet up for a coffee and/or meal so that we can share some short time together that would be great.  If you cannot do this, then for the time being, I will not be able to meet you and share parts of  my life with you which is what I would like to do with you as my Dad. "

I like this because it sets a strong boundary that protects her and her family. It's fair and shows respect towards him, but also shows respect for her feelings as well. You should feel proud that she is speaking up for herself and that she doesn't want her family hurt as a result of your ex's foolish choices.

Keep going strong and be proud that you are the rock for your family!

(((Ready)))

 

[MadLuv]

Thank you song and dance & ready- great points. Funny, daughter set those boundaries when she realized more lies. He hasn’t spoke to her since.  She said, that they are estranged and they have to now connect without OW first. She set strict conditions she would require to be able to do that reconnection and build back the trust. Once he found out he would have to do it alone he stopped communicating. She hasn’t spoke to him in a year.  My son said he was getting a text here or there but hasnt in many months. Neither have seen there dad in iver 2 years.

My D33 had to have a conversation with her son as he was curious what happened to his pops . She said, he is choosing to not be in our lives. We dont have to understand it, but we do have to respect that is his choice.  What a sad thing to have to tell your 9year old. Everyone has to do XH dirty work. I used to have so much empathy for him. Sad to say I don’t anymore. His wife and kids have never had a father or family unit to understand his kids loss. This is normal to them. They have hit the jack pot. They are living with not paying any bills. He is very lucky we built up wealth. Unfortunately he is just blowing his and my kids are having to watch it.

Painful as a mother. Once you remove yourself you still cant escape it all. Not when you have kids. Some ways them being adults is worse. They had a dedicated father for 30 years. They dont know anything about this life. For me it just makes me see him now in a whole new light. Those rose colored glasses have come
Off. They are shattered !!  My biggest struggle besides our kids pain is just accepting he is not who I thought he was  or possibly was but now isnt. I still can get some anxiety on that. 30 years is a long time to spend with someone that you thought was so sweet and kind and then turn around and not only discard you but your entire family.