[Evermore]

Evermore- wow. It’s amazing how they can openly admit things yet live in denial.
With all the election things happening it reminded me of when my husband left right after we voted end of October 2020. We had a conversation on the election and he brought up something about seeing someone on the election talking about morals etc and then a week later he was having an affair. I thought remembering that how odd that he could remove himself from that behavior. It truly shows they make excuses for their own behavior. They dont see themselves that way.

No, they really don’t see themselves the same way.

A couple of months post BD, after my xH had left and had virtually moved in with the OW (hadn’t officially told people that’s what he’d done, but for all intents and purposes he was living with her), he scathingly told me that the OW’s EX was ‘an absolute prick to her!!’.

Backstory: OW had met her EX a few years before. Within a few months, without discussing with her EX, she moved (with her late teen, mentally vulnerable, drug addicted son) to a rental in the little town her EX (and I/we live/lived) in. They continued to ‘go out’ for a few years but never lived together and apparently it was quite a tumultuous relationship. Apparently also he tried several times to end it with her but she lost the plot each time and, worried about her self-harming, their relationship limped along. Until one day as he headed off on a ‘footy trip’ he told his best mate and wife (I am friends with them) ‘That’s it, it’s over for good this time, when I get back I’m making her understand this time’. Apparently on that trip he met a lady. When he got back he did indeed finally end things with OW (she apparently really lost the plot this time and didn’t show up for work for a few weeks with no explanation (SIL1 is friends with someone who worked with OW at the time (he commented that from his experience of OW ‘xH would never get rid of her, she’ll be rusted on’)). Her EX is now married to the lady he met on the trip. So yep, it was all a bit bloody dodgy. And doesn’t sound like her EX was particularly lovely to her.

But by comparison we had been married 20 years, together 23, 2 kids, houses, pets,  etc etc ie very very married. We hadn’t ’been having problems’. He was depressed (medicated) and we’d had a big fight several months before but I still had no clue he wanted out. Life was bloody hard and exhausting at the time (running 3 teenage girls all over the place, he was working away, we were building a rental, finances very very tight etc). He met OW in the pub, they start talking (etc, who knows) and then BAM, a few weeks (or months, who knows) later he BDs and abandons the marriage (it’s ‘just a piece of paper, we’re no longer married because I say so’), leaves, completely devastating me, and virtually moves straight in with her. Introduces her to his family within weeks and never really looks back.

… But oh yeah, it’s her EX that is the ‘bloody prick’.  He’s just a good man ‘living his life the way he wants to’.  I think he had really convinced himself that because he told me and left straight away that he was being a good guy! I mean it’s actually ridiculously laughable when you think about it. 

No, they really don’t see themselves the same way.

[MadLuv]

Ever- Thank you that. It really is astonishing!!! Besides now becoming a statistic with divorce it’s a blessing they haven’t come out with a new spin on the Jerry Springer show for MLC, because it is really that bizarre. The mental puzzle rearranging they have to do to keep it together in their head is mind blowing. 

The craziest thing has been happening this week
All of a sudden I am getting emails, letters, voice mails all from XH credit card companies on late payments and their notifications being returned. I can only assume that when he moved he did a forward mail ( even though OW/Wife still hasn't moved)  and it ran out as it does after a year. XH obviously never took that year to update his accounts with the new address. He still is getting paper bills and they are all getting returned. My old email was still on many and of course my address was his old,so they are now calling, emailing and mailing me. 4 years and he cant change the email, phone and address!!

What is really bizarre is one bill was 2k and I also have my own CC with that  retailer. Well, I got an email also from them congratulating me on being a 20 year card holder with a special discount to use. I decide to go in and see what I might get. I go in and XH 2k purchase shows on my account. Not charged, but it shows as a purchase. I also got his points. Even though he used his card. I guess it attached from the email? I dont know. But, I laughed so hard because it was obviously something she picked out and wanted and it was bought on fathers day. So, he had to buy her a gift on fathers day disguised as his? Then he hasn't paid on it for 2 month because he hasn't got the paper bill to remind him?? Does the items not remind you that you bought it?? Its furniture? Hahaha

Anyways… just funny. I’m annoyed as normally I would tell him
If something like this happened, but  not anymore. Stopped talking to him over a year ago and stopped communicating by any means,even on business 6 mths ago. 4 years later and he still cant clean his side of the road. So, every notification I just laugh. At some point he will remember he isnt paying these 3 accounts, but it wont come from me.  To me it just shows that life is pretty messy where he is and that trying to keep it together without a strong partner is proving pretty difficult.

Score one for the LBS!!   

[KayDee]

… But oh yeah, it’s her EX that is the ‘bloody prick’.  He’s just a good man ‘living his life the way he wants to’.  I think he had really convinced himself that because he told me and left straight away that he was being a good guy! I mean it’s actually ridiculously laughable when you think about it. 

No, they really don’t see themselves the same way.

It is my belief that this is all part of the allure of the OW/OM. They support a shinier, better narrative. Before my H segued into OW2, I know for a fact she was feeding him the 'you are such a good person' fodder.  I guess this is where the term alienator fits well. It is a salient lesson for us all, because I guess we can all be swayed by this kind of thing. I can imagine it becomes a trap. Yes, initially seductive, but also, when you know (not so deep down) that you are being a bloody prick, you are even more reliant on the person who tells you are not. Until they don't, I suppose.

(oh, and 'rusted on'  )

ML, do you think the piece of furniture is a white throne for two bedecked with swans? Don't you think, like most people, he will have a minimum payment set up on his CC?

[MadLuv]

Kaydee- I know when I was in communication with him I told him many times to just set up a minimum on every account and then if he wants to pay more he can just make another payment. He really is computer illiterate. His linkdin he had SIL set up. My SIL said to me. How was he a VP and he cant set up a simple account? I said, IDK. When his new company took his picture professionally he changed it on Linkdin himself and then he used the same head shot for his cover picture, but did not adjust it at all. So, his cover picture is just a huge picture of his chin. How do you miss seeing that?

I think also he is paying bills like he did when we first got married and I then had to take over. He pays each bill manually as he gets it and he pays over the minimum by alot and then gets the next one and has run out of money or pays minimum because he didnt budget. Its just like he is 23 again with no growth, but has the new job, new wife. New house, cars etc. so he is a successful grown man again. I see clearly now that he hasn’t grown at all. Maybe these little bizarre notices were my insight to give me that confirmation.

I really do think they are their own karma and the lives they escape to  is riddled in their deceit and betrayal that they can’t truly escape. I see that now. I would not be surprised if he dies at an earlier age due to this without ever being accountable or rectifying his actions to his children.

[MadLuv]

Journalling to remember the journey
D33 went on a babymoon (sp?) she said it was nice and relaxing. She chucked that her H got a little tipsy and was spewing on XH and how he has dreams that he would like to call him and gripe him out and remind him of all that he is missing. Tell him he has a granddaughter coming. D33 said, Nahhh, it would do no good. She said, he has to be miserable with what he has done to his kids. Who can live at peace with that. He has to be miserable. I said, I dont think he is always miserable, but I agree. What he did to me, you kids and his grandson. I do think he will have to come to terms with it.

She did get annoyed I added me. She said, I am only talking from my perspective. I said and I acknowledged, but you are talking to me. I dont need you to acknowledge my pain in this or the possible effect on him, but I still get to include myself. I am learning to speak up for myself and it does seem that she can take it better.  She did say her H wants verification that he is miserable. He needa to know it. I said, well that isn’t happening.

She said that he never sent a gift for  GS10 bday this year. She had planned to return it to him this year. I guess he is one step ahead of her. I think he was told she is pregnant and is mad she or myself have not told him and this is how he is answering us on that.

[MadLuv]

Today my D33 told me her Dad sent GS10 a gift. 2 weeks after his birthday. No card or even receipt note. He sent the exact same gift he sent him last year from amazon. The exact same gift, but 2 weeks late. She is sending the gift back. She said that she didn’t see the point in receiving gifts from someone that isn’t taking part in their lives.

Can I just repeat…. He sent the same gift as last year. You can’t make it up!!

[FrenchHusband]

Can I just repeat…. He sent the same gift as last year. You can’t make it up!!

Yes sure that sounds crazy to send the same present each year : Molly Weasley is a fiction character and at least she makes sure that the pullovers she sends for Christmas are fitting the needs of her sons ! (and it is hand-made, not magically made or online bought)
But in MLC world it seems the children are not growing, everything is still the same.

Maybe that is why we call this phase REPLAY ? maybe we should call it "Groundhog Day" ? Failure again and again until the person gets it right.
By the way, your daughter answered correctly IMO

[MadLuv]

FH- You know I battled that in my own thinking . Should GS10 be able to decide? However, getting gifts from a grandfather he loved, but has disappeared just brings more questions. Why should we have to keep trying to make sense of it all to him and there is a new baby coming he has no idea about. So, then GS10 would get gifts , but she wont?  They leave us with all the damage and unanswered questions, but then want to stay connected minimally? Why? Relieve guilt? Who knows. If he wanted to be accepted and thought of in better terms he would treat who should be the most important people in his lives better.

I do agree also on groundhog  day. It is just all so bizarre and seems to be getting more and more bizarre. He has now lived in a completely different state from his OW/wife for 14 months. Bought a 2700 square foot home. Lives alone. She lives in our old condo 2500 square feet with her younger daughter. It’s the most bizarre marriage I have ever seen.  Crazy!!

[MadLuv]

More bizzarity!! Yes, I made up a word. D33 messaged me last night to let me know that thank goodness she had not returned GS10 gifts to XH, because she received another gift. $5 gift piece of junk. This is from a man who is spending lavishly on OW/wife and her adult daughters and just spent $200 on OW grandson. I can’t decide if he is aware of the fact he is over spending, but his avoidant self can’t let OW down by never saying no or maybe due to the alimony he pays me he thinks I should be covering that and his gift is just a “I didn’t forget you” gift?

 I absolutely know there is no making sense of it all, but to me if he wasn't  aware of his ridiculous spending then surely his own grandson ( whom he loved) would also benefit, no?? I just find it very bizarre… so my new word for this is another MLC bizzarity!!

[MadLuv]

BD2 was 4 years ago. I have had NC with my XH nor has his kids or grandson for over 1  1/2  years and we haven’t even seen him in 3 years. This past weekend however his OW/wife oldest d’s baby daddy bf was arrested for aggravated assault with a deadly weapon ( not sure if on her or someone else) I would assume, but obviously have no idea, that the oldest daughter will need to leave that situation and move back in with her mother.  I also assume my XH is going to be now under more pressure to support the baby.

XH and OW/wife still own 2 homes in different states and don't live together during the week.  I am baffled that my XH has fallen so low to associate with as my friends say “gangster thugs” while ignoring his own children. This  d’s bf who now assaulted someone is  being taken on luxury vacations paid by my XH. Crazy!!!  I also hate that I feel associated now with them. I married someone that married into that? Its embarrassing. Out of curiosity I looked and it appears he assaulted her daughter when she was pregnant also. She gave birth a month early. He has several DUI’s. The list goes on.

I decided to journal this as its not much of my actual story, but just goes to show what type of people they get entangled with. Certainly not anything that would have been even slightly acceptable to him and certainly not me. That he is choosing these people over his own kids, even after losing a daughter to cancer.  My XH has fallen so far I am sure that I wouldn’t recognize any part of him anymore. Yet, he looks like he has a dream life with fancy cars and homes. He doesn’t!! To all those who doubt their spouses or ex-spouses life, Dont!! They really don’t live happily ever after. They just don’t. They have compromised everything they were and they are truly lost souls.