[beyondblessed]

ML, these OWs really are bottom feeders with a lot of nerve and ZERO class.  Just like the MLC'ER, they are messed up.  As they say, like attracts like.  Who in their right mind supports a man abandoning his own children , and then blames the child?  I'm so glad your D stood her ground.

[MadLuv]

Oh BB, you are so RIgHt!!! 

So, my x-bil called yesterday and I sadly told him that I had to disconnect. That I had 2 weeks of anxiety after he left. I told him my daughter ( his niece) suffers anxiety due to this and my son ( his nephew) suffers depression and that is due to a father who was present for 30 years and now just gone and replacing them with new adult children. They do see them accepting them by going on vacation an insult to them. Right or wrong. I am the only parent that remains and I have to support them . He said, he didn’t see this coming, but that he did understand and that he would love to reach out to D33 but since she was pregnant he did not want to cause her more issues . I told him that if he just texted her and told her he would never intentionally hurt her in any way. That he is just trying to connect with his brother where he is , I think that would at least show her you care and that was up to him, but until we can all get out or this toxic situation it was best that we no longer communicate as I feel I am still the scape goat for XH to not talk to you or not go on vacation. I am his out for everything. If I remove myself in total I cant be that any longer.

So, that is that. I will miss them, but I had to listen to my body and my head and not my heart and I just couldn’t do it anymore.

In 2 months it will be 4 years since XH left. Since then, little by little I have become more myself again. I really had no idea how much of ME was gone. I look better, my personality is back. I truly am feeling more at peace and so much less reactive, more calm and more loving. Thats hard at now 62!! It just is a very hard time to be left as your already dealing was aging looks and body changes.  But for 62, I feel pretty good about myself, but I know I have to start getting comfortable that my aging process now will definitely be showing faster and faster.

What I learned!!!!!!
My XH felt so LOST during his years before exit. I realize now so was I and I truly know why. I was lost because I was no longer myself. I was bending myself to find XH again who was lost. What is most important is I think I fully understand why he was lost and felt found by OW. They are leading these double lives. Whether it be EA or PA . Then they come home and every minute is a lie and a coverup. Who can be themselves when they are living a lie, but they meet OW and they can be themselves. They owe them nothing. So they feel FOUND again. This is the answer. They think OW/OM bring them back to  THEMSELVES , but they dont realize that all the things they did and continue to do is still there. The lies are there and the longer with OW or OM those lies will start to resurface . They try and buy and vacation and stay busy, so they can stay in that place. But Limerance ends. Relationships settle and then reality hits. Vanishers vanish because they don't want those lies to come to the forefront. If they do then OW /OM becomes US. They have to answer questions they dont want to answer.

MLCers leave because they are lost. It starts out with one thing or another, but what makes them leave is that they cant be themselves. They cant find themselves. Not because of US but because of their own actions. That is why it doesn’t matter where they go and who they go with. Those actions are only escapable for so long and they come back to the surface. If they never  show consequences to their actions and treatment of people they once loved, then I truly believe it is because they have deeper issues in terms of PD that allows them to shut off and move on.

We lose ourselves due to the MLCers actions and changes. They change due to their own actions and behaviors ( due to bad coping mechanisms ) and trying to hide and escape who they have become .

[amazinglove]

I LOVED your last post - esp the part about what you've learned. It makes so much sense to me. I had one q tho - about this part " They owe them nothing. So they feel FOUND again. This is the answer. They think OW/OM bring them back to  THEMSELVES , but they dont realize that all the things they did and continue to do is still there. The lies are there and the longer with OW or OM those lies will start to resurface"

when you say 'all the things they did and continue to do are still there' what do you mean by that? They think the OW or OM let's them be their true selves (not the self they were with us, but this new guy) but the things are still there. What things? the fact that they now tell lies? the fact that they are now selfish? i wasn't sure What is resurfacing? the parts of themselves that they didn't like when they were with us?

thank you!

[titleholder]

Pff ML, that are some bitter pills to swallow once again.. But I think you handle the situation so good! For yourself and your D and S. You see the situation cleary for what it is and choose the boundaries that are necessary for you guys to live a life that's not tangled to a toxic situation with people who have no desire to change and/or face responsibility.

I'm glad you're finding your old self more and more! Distance of the drama will help that proces. You're doing good!

Love TH!

[MadLuv]

Thank you TH.

It was such a hard decision, but I took 6 weeks to make it and my XBIL messaged me yesterday and asked what he should do with my tailgating gear at his house .I messaged back and then called, but said, oh wow it’s like a second divorce. Already dividing property. When I called I said, I dont want this to be a negative separation. I love you guys, but as long as your brother is living this secret life from his children it just makes it so toxic to stay connected. I said the message almost felt like ok were not friends come pick up your stuff. He said, no not at all. I just thought you might need it. Not true, he knows I only used it when I went to a game with them. He ended up saying. I will keep it and if you ever need it let me know and I will Meet you and give it to you.

Amazing love-

when you say 'all the things they did and continue to do are still there' what do you mean by that?

  I meant that they think they can leave and start a new life and that will just leave the past behind, but we all know that sooner or later all the running can not erase things from your mind permanently. There life will settle and they will become tired of running from the past with their behaviors and it will come back to be addressesd or haunt them.

They think the OW or OM let's them be their true selves (not the self they were with us, but this new guy) but the things are still there. What things? 

 No, I think that because they are doing behaviors against their morals and character they cant be themselves around US anymore. I think in many ways with the OW/OM they are more THEMSELVES. Who they really are, but obviously inflated. Thats why they think they have found their soul mate. They have been lost and now they feel found. It’s an illusion. Dopamine and all!!

i wasn't sure What is resurfacing? 

No matter where you go there you are. You know?? They think they can start over. No one can start over and erase their past. Also, those that jump into new relationships without healing will I believe have a worse road ahead in the relationship they jumped into. In my case my XH vanished because he cant have his new family find out all his lies. The thing is every moment with her and her kids is a lie. It started with lies. So, his running from us to try and start over is still him living a double life.

Hope that makes sense. It all comes down to they are unhappy and they dont know why. So we are or have to be the reason. New OW/OM shows up and its a new fresh beginning with all the TRUE LUV  feels. It doesn’t matter who it is. That kind of romance doesn’t last. They start to see their flaws and as well. We all have them. So they  leave so much behind. Blow up their lives for things for most are just not real.  The dopamine rush feels like they found their answer to their prayers .

My XH bought a 3 bedroom house  and he lives in it alone. OW/wife is still in the condo we had as our second house for his work. They live in 2 different states 3 hours apart. THEY DONT LIVE TOGETHER for over a year now. To me it shows he already see’s her flaws and to maintain the relationship weekends is all he can handle. I pray she forces a move. He could go on like this forever. It is perfect. He has someone but rarely has to deal with her in person. An Avoidants dream.  CRAZY!!!

[Dragonfly33]

Totally agree with you Madluv. That's what my therapist told me as well. You can't keep running for the rest of your life. At some point the things that you're running from will catch up with you.

Recently, I've been on a holiday in my home country. While at home, I found pictures of me and my x that my mom kept and some videos in my old ipad that I gave to my mom. I sent the pics and the videos to my ex. And told him, you cannot run away from your past as a joke because of those funny videos. He then said to me, if those pasts were as happy as the ones I sent him then he's happy to let that past haunt him. Maybe, he realized that what he said about our marriage being toxic because of me when he BDed me was afterall not true. He then told me to keep sending those old pics I can still find some in my mom's place.

Like what UM said in another post, no matter how much they show off that they're very happy now and their lives are full of rainbows and unicorn, truth is they are not. They thought that abandoning us will free them from this so called unhappiness but that's not the case. May others are truly happy. As for my xh, I don't really know if he's happy or not. And I guess it doesn't matter anymore. I am not happy we separated but I am ok with it. Like you Madluv, I slow found myself again. I started trusting myself again.

[FaithWalker]

No matter where you go there you are. You know?? They think they can start over.

Reminds me of the Clint Black Country song from the 90's

Bottle of scotch whiskey not very smooth
Like snake bite cure from the medicine man
Not bad poison if there's something to soothe
It's a whole other world in the palm of your hand

Out of this world and out of your mind
Just like it don't matter what you're leaving behind
Trying to change your life you change your point of view
But no matter what you do it's the same old you

Wherever you go there you are
You can run from yourself but you won't get far
You can dive to the bottom of your medicine jar
But wherever you go there you are

Bottle of scotch whiskey whatever you find
When you're out on a wire it's a matter of time
Changing every moment when you're taking the fall
There's everything to gain when you're losing it all
Feel your head spinning with your feet on the ground
You climb the wrong ladder and it's keeping you down
Think you're gettin' higher but you're still layin' low
And you don't want to be anyone you know

Wherever you go there you are
You can run from yourself but you won't get far
You can dive to the bottom of your medicine jar
But wherever you go there you are

Once you've been bitten it's like crossing a line
It's a part of the plan all that's on your mind
Think that it'll help you find somebody to be
But the man in the mirror is all you'll see

Wherever you go there you are
You can run from yourself but you won't get far
You can dive to the bottom of your medicine jar
But wherever you go there you are
I said wherever you go there you are

[Evermore]

Irony = xH's FB saying: "Doesn't matter where you are... There you are...."

[FaithWalker]

That is irony Ever 

[MadLuv]

Dragon- my XH wants pictures. I cant inagine why someone running aware wants that? That baffles me. I was going to send, but he doesnt deserve them

FW - that song!! It does match

Evermore- wow. It’s amazing how they can openly admit things yet live in denial.
With all the election things happening it reminded me of when my husband left right after we voted end of October 2020. We had a conversation on the election and he brought up something about seeing someone on the election talking about morals etc and then a week later he was having an affair. I thought remembering that how odd that he could remove himself from that behavior. It truly shows they make excuses for their own behavior. They dont see themselves that way.