[Treasur]

I agree with others about sticking to the basic facts, at least for your wider social group. W has decided she wants a divorce and is living part of the time in Switzerland now, so we are working through the details of that now. If people have questions and you don’t know (or want to share) the answers, it’s ok to say idk or you’d have to ask her or yes, it’s a difficult time but me and the kids are as ok as one could expect.

You may want to say more to closer family or friends who are part of your life support team.

Tbh though my starting place would be with the kids….what have you told them is happening? And then I’d use that as my baseline for what I tell others.

It’s reasonable that you have the right to speak your basic truth about what is going on with YOUR life. You don’t need your stbxw’s permission for that, no more than she asked your permission to set up her new life or file for divorce. You could as a courtesy let her know that now you will be telling mutual friends/family the basic facts if/as appropriate including the kids. But I wouldn’t expect her to like it or agree that your ‘facts’ are the same as hers.

But imho the biggie is how direct and honest you are with your kids about what, why and what is likely to happen next that affects them

Presume you have taken legal advice on the money stuff, on primary custody and when you can say No - if you wish - to her using the family home as a kind of part time hostel when/as she pleases. Bc, as you know, that tend not to be how divorce works and it’s not your job to protect her from the entirely predictable effects of her own choices, is it? You have enough to do with protecting you and your kids as much as you are able given the circumstances.

I see from an earlier post that you saw financial and practical benefits from your stbxw being there part of the time and that this is also her proposal? But I found myself wondering if those financial/practical benefits are ACTUALLY happening? There’s a point I think for most LBS when we say we have accepted the end of the marriage and all the changes that normally brings, but we are still trying to maintain some version of life as it was. That’s understandable - and of course MLCers often like that bc it helps them avoid some of the not so nice practicalities. Their words tend to not be so useful. Tbh sometimes we LBS are often trying to avoid them too particularly if custody of kids is involved.

And if you do want to maintain the current status quo of your wife coming and going, until/unless what? It would be reasonable I think to say to your wife that, if you are going to do this, there must be an agreed schedule so you and your kids can plan the rest of your obligations. That would be a very normal adult thing….if however your wife will not agree to a schedule (and follow through on it) that may give you some useful information about what you can rely on from her and what you cannot.

Imho it may be time to start thinking hard about what your non-married life should look like. What you will fight for legally and changes you will just have to accept. So, for instance, if you can’t afford to keep the house on your money alone, and your wife is no longer reliable on her contributions, what is your preferred alternative?

Going back to the issue of telling people, I am a bit unclear tbh what is actually happening. Has your wife initiated divorce proceedings legally? Or are things still a bit unclear? Bc obviously it’s hard to be clear with your kids if you are not clear what is actually happening? And given how things are, what is your preference - divorce, legal separation, something else?

Maybe that’s where you should start before you start telling anyone anything much? What do you think is happening and what do you choose as your own next steps? Put simply, regardless of your wife’s opinion, what is YOUR plan?

Glad the op is behind you and that you are now recovering!

[FrenchHusband]

Thank you very much KD, Biscuit and Treasur for the answers you give to me. That helps me a lot to figure out what I will tell and what I won't. Yes I will say few things and only factual things : I got a divorce letter from W, she is living in Sw the main time, and I live in the house with children.
Keep a territory MLC free is a very good idea, you are right. Zip the lips another one. Open the lips is a big temptation but on long-term there is no benefit, and as Biscuit writes it potential difficulties. There are only a few friends whom I confided until now, and I seldom feel the need to vent about W's MLC. The greatest support on MLC is here on this forum. Thank you fellow LBS !

What the kids know ? D17 and D15 know W is asking for divorce, and I told them I have accepted it. I told the girls about OM. I have learnt (still learning) to never denigrate W in front of the children. By example I won't say "mom has not given money since 2 months". Instead I say "I have currently financial worries... I am not able to support our current lifestyle with my incomes only".

S6 has understood a lot of things : he has asked me recently some questions about one of his friends whom parents are divorced (yes it is YM and her ex husband). And few days ago during bedtime he asked me why mom and I are separated. I told him I do not know & he is a child of love & both mom and I love him.

Presume you have taken legal advice on the money stuff, on primary custody and when you can say No - if you wish - to her using the family home as a kind of part time hostel when/as she pleases. Bc, as you know, that tend not to be how divorce works and it’s not your job to protect her from the entirely predictable effects of her own choices, is it? You have enough to do with protecting you and your kids as much as you are able given the circumstances.

I see from an earlier post that you saw financial and practical benefits from your stbxw being there part of the time and that this is also her proposal? But I found myself wondering if those financial/practical benefits are ACTUALLY happening? There’s a point I think for most LBS when we say we have accepted the end of the marriage and all the changes that normally brings, but we are still trying to maintain some version of life as it was. That’s understandable - and of course MLCers often like that bc it helps them avoid some of the not so nice practicalities. Their words tend to not be so useful. Tbh sometimes we LBS are often trying to avoid them too particularly if custody of kids is involved.

Regarding the practical benefits, yes it is currently happening and I am happy about them. The children keep stability, they keep their home, their life. The change is smooth for them.
I forgot to say it in my previous post, the time spent at home is rapidly decreasing : in May it was 15 days, in June 11 days, and in July she spent less than 3 days with us, I have no visibility for the end of this month, maybe she will come back for another 3 days ?
Despite the growing abandon of their mother the children are fine. It is the most important for me.

Regarding the financial benefits, there are none at this time. But I see another benefit : by not giving money to our joint account, W is placing herself in fault. In French law, adultery is not anymore a fault (whatever we can think about it), but family abandonment is a delict (offense ?). So I currently collect proofs (easy job) that may help a lot for the potential battles in amicable way or in front of the Court.

And if you do want to maintain the current status quo of your wife coming and going, until/unless what? It would be reasonable I think to say to your wife that, if you are going to do this, there must be an agreed schedule so you and your kids can plan the rest of your obligations. That would be a very normal adult thing….if however your wife will not agree to a schedule (and follow through on it) that may give you some useful information about what you can rely on from her and what you cannot.

Yes I have expressed many times this need of a planning. At this time W is not adult enough to fullfill this need. I can live with it. 

Imho it may be time to start thinking hard about what your non-married life should look like. What you will fight for legally and changes you will just have to accept. So, for instance, if you can’t afford to keep the house on your money alone, and your wife is no longer reliable on her contributions, what is your preferred alternative?

Good question. I know what I can expect from the divorce and I have made simulations. I know after a divorce I can keep the house with my incomes if W is not greedy, the keypoint for the divorce is to sell at least 1 appartment ; both would be better. Currently the real estate is really in bad shape in France, so sell the appartments is difficult.

Going back to the issue of telling people, I am a bit unclear tbh what is actually happening. Has your wife initiated divorce proceedings legally? Or are things still a bit unclear? Bc obviously it’s hard to be clear with your kids if you are not clear what is actually happening? And given how things are, what is your preference - divorce, legal separation, something else?

Maybe that’s where you should start before you start telling anyone anything much? What do you think is happening and what do you choose as your own next steps? Put simply, regardless of your wife’s opinion, what is YOUR plan?

Currently at divorce side nothing is happening (and I expected it after reading many stories here). I am conscious I am the one who can move the lines. My first plan is to sell at least one appartment : without this first point, we can not go ahead.
Then I am ready for a divorce : I have had a great marriage and I am thankful to W for what she brought to me. Now she has became another person and I do not want this person in my life anymore. I want a divorce where the losses are the less for each side, and I want to keep with W the best possible relationship in the future for the children.

[FrenchHusband]

Hello all,

The holidays in Slovenia have been great. Slovenia is a beautiful country and the nature here is very nice. There are tourists but fortunately not so many. I have enjoyed to be with the children, and they say they enjoyed it. We have done sightseeing and hiking in the Alps. D15 has cooked delicious evening meals and S6 appropriated the vacuum cleaner everyday  .

During the holidays W called us almost every day and she respected my boundaries. What was funny for me was the moment when W asked the daughters to buy honey for her. They said they have no money and asked their mom to call upon dad  . Then they gave back the phone to me and I asked how many kilos she wants. W is fond of honey and knows from our previous trip in Slovenia 5 years ago that there is very good and cheap honey in Slovenia. D17 complained several times to me that Mom has borrowed her money and she needs this money to repair her phone. But I won't intervene between Mom and her daughter unless one of them is requesting clearly my help. 

Still regarding money topic, yesterday W sent 0,5k€ on our joined account. It is the first time since  2,5 months that she sends money to our account. A nurse in Switzeland earns around 6 k€/month, nevertheless 500 € is better than nothing, isn't it ?

On divorce topic, I got informations from my lawyer, her lawyer sent him a mail and gave her proposal for amicable divorce :
- she wants split parental autority on the children
- full time residency of the children at W's home
- right for access for me to the children during half of school holidays.
- 50-50 share of costs for D17 (she will have her own studio apartment as a University student)
- I pay 524€/ month for each child + I pay half of medical care + half of sport costs
- she has no preference regarding the real estate (sell or keep), she only wants her "fair right" (meaning half of the money)

This is "confidential btwn lawyers", that means that the judge must not take these exchanges into account. 

I did not react to the informations, I just took a few days to make peace inside me, then I decided to talk with the 2 daughters. I told them I got informations from the lawyer and asked them whether they want to be informed. They said yes so I went ahead, but only with factual informations, meaning a short summary of what is written up without money datas.
The girls were angry, they were not happy that their mom changes her position (in the past, she said the girls would choose). They asked me what I will say to W, I said that I got the information through the lawyer and I will answer through the lawyer. They said that mom is poorly advised by her lawyer (I think they are almost right, she is poorly advised, but not by her lawyer). D17 said she is against this proposal, answering to a question I said that I want that the children are together (not separate siblings) then D15 said that they want to live in France, and if Mom wants to see them she has to live in France near our house. Finally D15 said she will call Mom to explain her position and I let the sisters discuss together.

So that's how it is. 5 months ago I had kept the informations for myself, but now I know better: informing the daughters, without any additional comment, is the right thing to do. Zipping my lips (sometimes difficult) is good for me. And time is my best friend .

I discussed with my lawyer this morning, I asked him not to share anything for the moment, and I will prepare an answer to W first offer. The lawyer explained to me that if I request the judge about the lack of contributions from W, the judge will also decide regarding the children's place of residence. And I could require in November for a decision at best in February. So my best interest atm regarding W's contribution is to discuss in amicable way through the lawyers.

[FrenchHusband]

Hello dear fellow LBS, it is time for an update on my thread as many things happened.

Last Satturday I received at 8am a message on the WhatsApp of our parish community : one guy sent us the invitation for the last mass of OM, and proposed 3-4 places in his car. This news upsetted me for a few minutes and my brain imagined quickly some ways to act (the illusion of action, would say Treasur  ) : I could call the parisher and explain to him who is really OM ; I could join the drive and spoil the ceremony, only showing my face would be enough . Then I calmed down quickly, I read the word of God of the day (parable about the good wheat and the darnel). And I chose to do nothing, the obvious and difficult choice. After I chose, I remembered that I had agreed to play music at the mass in our Church, so anyway the choice was already made

Same day at 9am I received a WA message from W : "the flights are too expensive, I am coming with CarSharing". I asked again W to give an accurate planning in advance and for the travel to give approximate timetable. But no answer. This message looked to me a big lie again, I am able to sniff lies easily.
So W came arrived at 5pm, almost unannounced. She arrived in our living room with a very big smile and a nice hello to S6 and me (playing together). S6 went to W and received a gift (Switzerland puzzle). There was also a gift for both girls (2 Switzerland mugs). All gifts look like last minute airport presents. And after check the flights are cheap at the moment. I don't even know why W feels forced to lie ?

On Sunday I went to the Church with S6 in advance, and W joined us. It was the first time since Christmas that W went to our church. So it was a surprise for me. S6 told me that W would leave the next day. Not a surprise : I knew she knew and she did not tell us.

The lunch together in family was very nice. D15 was not with us because she was at a friend's house since Satturday afternoon (D15 actually came back in the evening and she spent very few time with W). During the lunch W asked many questions to D17 and S6 about the holidays in Slovenia, actually she summoned many good records from what was our best holiday in family 5 years ago in same country (not same place). And D17 answered W that she actually prefered this year's travel (me satisfied internally).

During the evening meal, I asked W when she had decided to come to our home. W was not happy at all that I raised this discussion in front of the children, so I told her (again) how important it was for me to get the information. W tried to rally the children to her position, and D15 answered smartly : she said to W : "dad should not ask it during the dinner, but he is right". Then W tried to pick up a fight several times with me but I did not react and talked with the children instead.

Same evening, after W had accompanied S6 to bed, she asked me for a discussion. I told her I was not mentally ready for a discussion, but I would listen to her. She began the discussion with D17 arrangements for next year, as she will study in the University. It was a bit awkward because I was not answering her multiple questions, and she knew very few things. I told W that, next time she wants to discuss a topic with me I want to know in advance so that I can prepare. She told me I know what I have done with D17, and I told W that I had done a lot of things with the children, and I am not ready right now to give to her a detailed reporting.
Then W asked about some treasury movements that she does not understand on our joined accounts. I told her I am not prepared to make a reporting to her. Since 20 years I am managing alone our finances to be sure there is always enough money on our accounts for our daily needs and projects, it is not a bad thing that W finally cares about these topics. It would be even better if she would contribute, but I did not raise the topic in the evening as i knew it would likely lead to a fight.
Finally W asked me why I was always trying to involve the children in our discussions. I finally sent my truth darts and told her she is currently the less mature person in the house. Her reaction was almost funny. "Even S6 !". I answered that S6 is honest and answers candidly to the question. Then I saw the Monster waking up and I quickly left the kitchen under the eyes of the girls in the living room and followed by W who wanted to continue the "discussion". Her last words were "as it is like that the lawyers will decide". Well, it is not like that in France, but I won't explain to W.

Next morning I woke up at 5am and drove the girls to the train station as they are having holidays with childhood friends in Normandy (two sisters, 17ya and 15yo). Her parents are also common friends(*) and know there is something broken between W and me (no details), and I told them to be discrete with the children. I am proud (again) of D17 and D15 : they managed very well the 7 hour train travel including a station change in Paris with few time in metro. The high speed train was 15 minutes left in Paris so the timeline was even shorter, but the succeeded. During the drive the girls asked me when W would leave and I answered "S6 told me she will leave today".
Back home, S6 woke up so I prepared him and brought him to one of his best friends home, as I had planned many days ago a common planning for this week (kind of shared custody of our children  , Monday and Tuesday S6 is with them and Wednesday S6's friend was with us). Then I came back home for teleworking. W this day cooked a boar's leg, it is one of her new patterns when she comes back with the peanut cooking. I am asking myself what will happen next time as there is no boar anymore in the freeze  . And even if she was hidden in the bathroom, I heard W fighting at the phone : W had ordered 2 suitcases, apparently for the girls, without any communication. Last week she asked D15 to open to the deliverers but nobody came  . So W was struggling with after sales. She repeated many times that she was going back to Switzerland and there was nobody who could receive the suitcases, and she came back only in 3 weeks. I enjoyed the conversation, it would have been so easy for W to ask my help. But.... MLC  .
At 2:30pm, W said "au revoir" to me (see you). When she left, I told her she had not told me that she would go today, and if she had told me I would have asked S6 to say goodbye to her. Then I asked W whether she needed something... and W left the house. At 3pm exactly the deliverers arrived and I let the suitcases in  . The boar's leg was only half cooked, so in the evening I finished the cooking.

Summary of July
I am well, very well. The holidays are fine for me and the children. The rosebush is flourishing for the 4th time since Christmas, Idk if it's normal. I remember there was almost no rose during my own MLT and even last year. I become more and more sensitive with the plants, and I see the plants thrilling like never before : the olive tree, the strawberry, the lemon tree. Synchronicity ?

This month W has spent 5 days with us. Even when she is here, she has little presence with the children and spends a lot of time locked in the basement room. I am very fine with it. Well it is a lot of work to be the only adult for 3 children, but I face it. And I am emotionnaly strong enough to bear W's presence.

concerns
Now there are 2 points that I am concerned with : first I would like to set up a boundary with W regarding her planning in anticipation. Since April I asked her to give a planning in anticipation, and since 1 month it is becoming impossible. So I need to set up a boundary. Legally I can not prevent W to come back without a judge's decision, and that would take 4-6 months at least.
Secondly W is not sending her contribution to the family expenses since 3 months. My incomes are not enough for our expenses and these expenses will soon increase with D17 studies.

So I wrote a letter for my lawyer to send to W's lawyer pointing out these 2 points. The letter is written as if it is written by the lawyer (my customer). I included also an answer to W's request of full custody (a polite No) and a proposal for the share of our assets including W's lands in her country : a rough estimation based on the diverted money.
My lawyer took my letter and removed only the first paragraph regarding the children : as the daughters are positively willing to stay with me, there is no need to rush this point, he told me. 

[FrenchHusband]

And again, many things happened within the week so I feel the need to journal here. I have been unwell the last week, sick (it rarely happens). In the same time the rosebush has withered away greatly : synchronicity, again

the children at home
the girls are back at home, they had very good holidays with their childhood friends in Normandy. Back from holidays D15 wanted to speak with me : she finds our house needs more cleaning and tidying. She told me also that I am morose, I am still living in the past and I should "move on". She told me also that I try to make her mother hateful, and I am hateful when I am doing this. I mainly listened to her and I chose to answer mainly with actions, not words, even if I feel there is some projection in her words.
So next day I asked the children to do some household chores, I took the function of "barker" that W had in the past. I am not fond of that role but it is necessary right now. And the girls are nice, very helpful (obliging). In the next days D15 and D17 took many initiatives and I praised them : D15 washed completely the fridge yesterday, she prepared a marinade for the chicken following my request. Both girls are still taking good care of S6.

planning
I have written already how the lack of planning was out of my boundary, so when W called me and asked to talk with S6, I asked again about the planning. W was not happy and I stayed firm and polite : "Yes you will speak with S6, but I want you to know how it is important for me". And after 3 minutes I let go the phone with S6. D15 again was not happy with me : "dad you lower yourself at W's level". And she advised me to let go : "yes mom is not giving her planning but you can not do anything".
I am glad I closed my lips and I did NOT say to D15 that I knew already (overheard) that she will come back end of next week.
2 days after W sent a message on our Family What'sApp telling us the days that she will be in France (actually 2*2 days in August). I wrote back thanks and I appreciate it, please give us also the hours. I guess D15 spoke with her mum regarding the planning.
Just for the record, this day was also our 19th wedding birthday. I did'nt feel anything special with this day. I only noted that W took finally my request in account and that she gave back to S6 one quarter of the money that she has taken from his account (following one other request from me). Let's count both actions as birthday gifts  .

divorce on the Court
I don't know if it's related, 24 hours after sending our answer to W's "proposal", my lawyer got a message from W's lawyer warning us that she will file, that means that I will receive a convocation in the next weeks and there will be a judicial hearing in November or December.
I did not react to this, I only sent mails to my lawyer in order to understand what is happening. My lawyer told me he is not surprised, and if he were W's lawyer he would have filed in May. According to him, time is on our side. I don't know what is in W's mind, I guess she will fight for the children and likely for the money. I will continue to play defense and try to minimize the losses. Next steps are the exchanges of statements between the lawyers, then the judge trying a conciliation (mandatory step), then a provisional judgement 3 weeks after that will decide for the residence of the children, the residence of the spouses and the alimony amount. This provisional judgement will be valid until final divorce (2-3 years after if we follow Court path). I know what I want and I know more or less what W wants. The bad news from my POV is that, once we begin with the court, we as spouses are inclined to present the other spouse as devil's second cousin.

general considerations regarding MLC
It is more than 3 months since W has changed her status from "Still Home never left" to "Keeps moving in and out". Actually she spends less and less time with us, she has fled, she has abandoned her job, her home, her husband and her children. I feel that this has accelerated the pace of the MLC. Is it good news or bad news ? The rock bottom is coming closer and closer. I can see the "dream life" is not providing the happiness. In contrary, I see it is hard for W to not "have" her children. Well, it is only the consequences of her actions, not my responsibility. And, from judicial perspective, she is consistently playing against her own camp with her actions.

next weeks
the children are still in vacations and they have a nice programm. We have nice moments together and there are nice moments to come, especially when we will hike in the Alps with many friends from all ages (including at least one of my brother and his many children). 4 days hiking followed by 2 days festival in a small mountain village in Italy. So, great days to come.

[FaithWalker]

All caught up FH.  I hope you are feeling better after your illness.

The Fall to Spring sound like they will be some tough times sorting through the court procedures but there will be light at the end of the tunnel.

I remember trying to sort out all of that and it wasn't any fun at all.  All my sorting also had to happen while I was still reeling from Bomb Drop.  Bomb Drop December and final divorce decree in April.

[FrenchHusband]

Thank you FW for your nice comment, I am glad I had time btwn BD and the physical separation, and time btwn BD and divorce filing. Thanks God and thanks to the advices here I used this time to ready myself, to lick my wounds, to heal, to grow. I feel a lot of empathy for the LBS as you who had/ have to support all the pain in one big shot.

Divorce filing / fighting
so I got last week the subpoena to appear in the court from a court baillif. Audience is settled for October 3rd. As expected, W wants the children and alimony for the children. She wants to let me the house and to pay for the mortgage.
I have to fight and I will fight, for me children, and in order to get enough money for them and for the house. According to my lawyer there is 1% chance that W gets the children. Well, I will fight as if she had 99% chance.
The provisional judgement is also an opportunity for me to settle the situation as it is and make W give me back the keys of the house. I feel I need to get the strongest position possible.
If W continues with the legal divorce, that means that it will take more time than a amicable divorce for the final divorce.


Wife's ins and outs
I had written here that W planned to be at home 4 days in August. Now it appears to be 3 days only : W came last Friday as annonced, the hours were not announced and she arrived at 11pm. Satturday she spent a few hours with S6 and a few minutes with the girls. In the evening, after I asked W about the children, W told me that she will come back on Sunday at 6 am "because the flights are expensive". Is W realizing finally that the reality is not same as her wishes ?
W's lawyer writes in the subponea that W has been "assigned" to the lower floor room "far from the other rooms and the family life". It is almost true, from my POV she assigned herself in this situation. Or is it MLC that assigned her ? The current reality is that MLC assigned W now to live in another country.

Children
the children are fine, they are very close to me. I have observed that, when W is at home, the children are gathering around me more than ever. D15 is more and more mother-ish with S6. Sometimes S6 expresses that he is afrait to be alone upstairs : something new and a slight concern, most of the time when he complains like that, I accompany him upstairs.
I spend a lot of time to find a life location for D17. Last Satturday I asked W (again) whether she wants to be a guarantor as that might help D17. She told me she can't be a guarantor as she has no permanent contract. I told her she can be and she does not need a permanent contract, just to sign the document and send me the salary slips. Next morning I found the papers signed, then I sent a message saying "thanks, now please send me the salary slips". W answered that she can't be a guarantor and I don't listen to her. Me :  .

Holidays
We have nice holidays, nice moments together. Tomorrow I go with the children for the last bit : 4 days walking in the Alps, every evening filled with dances, songs and music. Then 2 days festival in a very small village in Italy where we end the walk. My 2 brothers will come with the majority of their children. S6 is very excited. D15 and D17 both come with a friend (female friends) for this recurrent event.

I have begun to talk with a few people, friends and family, about the current situation. Following the advices here I have tried to stick to the facts that the children know : W lives in Switzerland main part of the time and we are currently divorcing. I plan to continue during the next days as I will see my brothers and many good friends from Italy and France, then after back-to-school days. Anyway the reality is speaking for itself & I don't want to add any fuel to the fire.

[forthetrees]

You have come a LONG way towards acceptance and realizing that you can only control you. You have gone from reacting to responding. You have taken the focus off of W and put it towards yourself and your children. It was a rough learning curve but I bet the view from where you are now is quite something. Yes, it sucks that your marriage got obliterated but you have risen from the ashes and your kids seem to be moving from surviving to thriving.

[UrsaMajor]

Divorce filing / fighting
so I got last week the subpoena to appear in the court from a court baillif. Audience is settled for October 3rd. As expected, W wants the children and alimony for the children. She wants to let me the house and to pay for the mortgage.
I have to fight and I will fight, for me children, and in order to get enough money for them and for the house. According to my lawyer there is 1% chance that W gets the children. Well, I will fight as if she had 99% chance.
The provisional judgement is also an opportunity for me to settle the situation as it is and make W give me back the keys of the house. I feel I need to get the strongest position possible.
If W continues with the legal divorce, that means that it will take more time than a amicable divorce for the final divorce.

I am sorry that STBXMLCW has filed. You have been expecting it for a while due to her behaviour but to have it in black and white still feels like a punch in the gut. I really hope that, for your sake (and the kids sake) that your lawyer fights like a lion. Ensuring her comings and goings (when she is there, how much time she spends with the kids)are documented/recorded on paper is important to make sure you have evidence to support your claim that she is a "mom in name only."

Wife's ins and outs
I had written here that W planned to be at home 4 days in August. Now it appears to be 3 days only : W came last Friday as announced, the hours were not announced and she arrived at 11pm. Saturday she spent a few hours with S6 and a few minutes with the girls. In the evening, after I asked W about the children, W told me that she will come back on Sunday at 6 am "because the flights are expensive". Is W realizing finally that the reality is not same as her wishes ?
W's lawyer writes in the subponea that W has been "assigned" to the lower floor room "far from the other rooms and the family life". It is almost true, from my POV she assigned herself in this situation. Or is it MLC that assigned her ? The current reality is that MLC assigned W now to live in another country.

It is important (in my opinion) that, in your answer to the subpoena (the court filing) that it is clear that STBXMLCW has chosen to isolate herself in the room downstairs, that you are not the "assigner of rooms." She has chosen which room she sleeps in when she shows up. The fact that she lives most of the time in a foreign country will also not help her. If she wants the kids, she will have to show that she has a place for them, schools, everything and I'll bet a dollar to a donut that she has none of the above. She has not thought past her own nose what that would look like or what it will take.

Children
Last Saturday I asked W (again) whether she wants to be a guarantor as that might help D17. She told me she can't be a guarantor as she has no permanent contract. I told her she can be and she does not need a permanent contract, just to sign the document and send me the salary slips. Next morning I found the papers signed, then I sent a message saying "thanks, now please send me the salary slips". W answered that she can't be a guarantor and I don't listen to her. Me :  .

She doesn't want you to see her pay slips..... that is obvious.... but why did she sign the papers then in the first place?  She probably just signed a paper without reading it. They do tend to shoot first and then read the fine print later.....

Holidays
We have nice holidays, nice moments together. Tomorrow I go with the children for the last bit : 4 days walking in the Alps, every evening filled with dances, songs and music. Then 2 days festival in a very small village in Italy where we end the walk. My 2 brothers will come with the majority of their children. S6 is very excited. D15 and D17 both come with a friend (female friends) for this recurrent event.

These are the kinds of things that a judge will be looking at when the question of where the kids will live and with which parent. Sounds like you are having a great summer....

[FrenchHusband]

You have come a LONG way towards acceptance and realizing that you can only control you. You have gone from reacting to responding. You have taken the focus off of W and put it towards yourself and your children. It was a rough learning curve but I bet the view from where you are now is quite something. Yes, it sucks that your marriage got obliterated but you have risen from the ashes and your kids seem to be moving from surviving to thriving.

Hi FTT, thank your for your comment, I like it very much how you phrase it "a rough learning curve", yes I am still in this path and I want to go ahead. The view is something, yes, and I have few regrets regarding the past. The kids and me are OK and it is the best news for me : kids growing and going ahead.

I am sorry that STBXMLCW has filed. You have been expecting it for a while due to her behaviour but to have it in black and white still feels like a punch in the gut. I really hope that, for your sake (and the kids sake) that your lawyer fights like a lion. Ensuring her comings and goings (when she is there, how much time she spends with the kids)are documented/recorded on paper is important to make sure you have evidence to support your claim that she is a "mom in name only."

please don't be sorry UM, unless you are the real MLC God who sends MLC on us poor humans, you are not responsible for W's doings. And actually, it doesn't feel like a punch in the gut as I knew it was coming. Yes I record all important informations and I have proposed my lawyer (currently in holidays) several evidences to show.
W currently is not a "mom in name only" from my POV, she is still 10% mother-ish from what I see, and I am actually grateful for the 10% : she is not able to do more.

She doesn't want you to see her pay slips..... that is obvious.... but why did she sign the papers then in the first place?  She probably just signed a paper without reading it. They do tend to shoot first and then read the fine print later.....

Yes likely she does not want me to see her pay slips. Bad news for W is that I know roughly how much she gets and I will make sure that the judge will know it.
Regarding the papers signed, I think she read it actually, the whole story reminds me one chapter of Harry Potter "will and won't" where we can read a difficult conflict of loyalty for poor Kreacher the house-elf. It must be often difficult for our spouses within MLC to know how they should act and not be able to do it. 

These are the kinds of things that a judge will be looking at when the question of where the kids will live and with which parent. Sounds like you are having a great summer....

Yes the holidays in the mountains have been great : full of joy, hiking, good meals, dances, songs, with family and friends. I go in this place almost every year since 1987, and I have always felt to be out of time and out of the world. So many moments of grace each day. The children have had great holidays, they told me. Now S6 is speaking with me in Italian most of the time, and he reads the few books in Provençal we have at home or he sings the new Provençal songs he has learnt. In 2023, W has spent 6 vacation days with the children and me (as booking agent and holiday leader  ), me 45. And in 2024, W is still at 0, me at 30. Looks like rugby scores 

Discussing with the girls
I have had a discussion with the girls to inform them briefly about the last information. They do not want to go in Switzerland and they do not want either that S6 goes in Switzerland. D15 tells me that she called mom after the "amicable" proposal and mom told D15 she did'nt want the full custody : it is just a posture to show the justice that she does not abandon the children (me :  ). Anyway, W told D15 she has no space in Switzerland to receive the children. (for the record, the children and I don't even know where she lives, and with whom, and how is the housing)
I said that her words sound contradictory to me with the lawyer's writtings, then the girls put the blame on W's lawyer. I said to the girls that, if I do nothing, the judge will give full custody to W and they children will have to go in S. D15 looked at me in the eyes and said : "but dad, you will do something".
Then I continued, explaining that we can not know what the judge will decide and she may give full custody to mom. D15 said again that she does not want, and she will talk to the judge.

My personal conclusion : there is a lot of lies, W is either lying to D15, either to the judge, either to both. No surprise, it is expected from MLC. I imagine internally what would be the mess if I choose not to fight on the Court regarding the full custody. But it is no fun, and I want to be able to look myself in the mirror in the future. I am grateful to get the support from D15. She is not on my side against W (as it should not be), we just happen to have the same interests. D15 is the key because she is in age to speak before the Court, and judges normally don't separate siblings.

Discussing with the friends and family
I have begun to discuss with a few friends and with close family members about the current situation. As advised here, I have mainly stuck to the facts, and it has been easier with the closest friends. From other friends I got more questions and more comments ("why ?") while from close friends I got more concerns regarding "how" : how the children are doing, how am I doing with the children ?
 
Next days
Next day I will go back with the children to the Italian village as there will be a wedding of 2 old friends next Sunday : one 32 yo friend whom I know since his birth and his fiancée whom I know since they met 5 years ago. It will be a good add-on to the last holidays, on Satturday we will see an old friend in the morning and in the evening we will eat with many childhood friends who are cousins of the bride. All these people are more than friends to me, almost family. I have informed W about that programm, and in the evening W informed me about a change in her planning. Instead of staying at us Friday and Satturday, she will be with us from Wednesday night (today    ) to Sunday, and she will go back to Switzerland on Monday. I don't know why this change.
Next Monday S6 will go to primary school, I plan to accompany him this first day. D15 will begin high school. And during the week I will drive D17 to her next location for the University. Thanks to SIL (my brother's wife) I finally found a solution for her housing.

I see many good appointments coming in the next weeks for the children, the parish and with other friends. I will be busy and mainly in the joy. Day by day, week by week, life is so beautiful : I would not exchange my life with anybody.

Edit : the mugs
I observe the mugs (gift from W to D17 and D15) have not moved since last month, that is a silent answer from both girls that is speaking loudly to my ears. It resonates with the same treatment W gave to mine and our (Ds & I) gifts during year 1 post BD.