[FrenchHusband]

A bit of journaling today.

First I am glad to have taken some days to look inside me and to read your messages : after the nice afternoon with YM I was  thinking a lot to her. I can now understand a bit how it feels to meet someone when you are under MLC. But I believe I am not under MLC, and since I took the decision to be "friends only", the nice feelings quickly evaporated. The drawback is that my detachment decreased a bit. And when I learned incidentally that W had taken 2 days of vacation without telling me, my brain imagined crazy scenarios that raised an inside anger. I have had the will to initiate a BIG discussion with W and to put everything on the table : OM, the affair, the abandonment of the children, the witchcraf, W not doing the work on herself...

Then I took a step back and I considered the situation quietly : I know the next weeks will be difficult for W : my niece is arriving this Satturday and she will stay at our home for 1 month. During this time W, as I know her, W will make some efforts to make discussions and will less lock herself in the room where she sleeps. Then, more difficult, my brothers and their many children will come for Christmas and W will likely stay. 14 additional people related to me at our home during 4-5 days, it will be very tough for her. So I took the decision to give peace to W. And what happened in the next days ? W spent a lot of time to wash home and cook meals. Last Satturday she even cooked my favourite meal  . And during this dinner she announced to the family that she will take 2 days of vacation. No justification given to me and the children, and I did not ask questions. Actually it was yesterday and today, and from what I know W did nothing special : mainly she called her relatives and friends in her country without hiding from me.

Next dinner on Sunday W announced to us that a friend from her will wed soon. What is new is that she is making a small step out of compartmentalization. Since I don't initiate discussions, sometimes W is talking to me for small things & I stay light. More significantly, during Sunday W cooked meals in anticipation for Christmas , children told me : spring rolls and African pastels (stuffed fritters). This is huge for me : cooking is one of W's LL, she involved our children (I gave a hand also for some minutes). And these meals that need hours of preparation are now in our freezer, ready for my "racist and not welcoming brothers". What W has done speaks a lot to me : another reason to let her in peace.

I speak a lot about W here, it is mainly for the record because my life is very fullfilled with the children, the family, the parish, the work, the friends, even YM who invited me at restaurant  . Many positive things currently in life that I thank God for !

[FrenchHusband]

A bit of journaling today.

I have very good days currently and each day I am able to find very good things that I thanks God for. Now my niece is at home as she is making an internship for her studies. It is a bit like having an additional daughter at home. So more talks, more good moments together. D14 has cooked something, again a recipe that she invented (soup of lasagne  ) and again the result was very good. Together with S5 we were in the kitchen and have given a hand (my new pattern since BD) and it was a good moment also. Now D16 is asking for ingredients, she cooks scarcely and is less confident in herself so she cooks by the book (like me). From my side I try more often new recipes out of my comfort zone.

I have seen both spiritual and psychological counselor and it went very well. The spiritual counselor told me several times that my choices are wise. She is not Christian or pro-marriage so she challenged my choice of Standing (why don't you divorce ?), when I explained my position she told me once again that I am wise. I have no more FOO wound or hurting behaviour in mind now, so we agree to not have a new meeting right now. I'll see after New Year whether I'll set up a new meeting. The IC helped me very much to dig deep inside me and I am very grateful. She tells me I look fine, better than 3 months ago, and that she can see from my face and body language that I am serene. The IC has understood from my words that I have dropped the rope, and she asked me whether W is changing accordingly. My answer : I don't know. Actually I see very small signs, but it is too early to jump on conclusions. Good to know the IC believes that W will change, time will tell if she is right and, as I told her, I did not drop the rope expecting changes. It just happened.

The spiritual counselor told me that the daily prayer has changed me, now he has put words on it I see it is true : it changes the way I handle the situations that life is throwing to me. I talked with him about Young Mom, the forum THS and the way I took time and listened to your wise advices. I will continue the work with the spiritual counselor, once a month.

Now we are entered in December. This is a tough month for W : my niece at home is an effort for her, she has the grace to talk with her during our meals ; when my brothers and their big family will come it will become very tiring during some days. December 15th is the 30th anniversary of FIL's death (I told W that I have requested prayer intentions this day) ; December 31st is the 18th anniversary of my mother's death (I will also request a prayer intention).

I think W will stay at home during Christmas time (I am ready for all other possible scenarios btw) and that will be very tough for her . So I have reduced to the minimum the conversation topics and I tell her only once e.g. : "when it is fine for you we can discuss this [important topic for children], if you don't come back to me in 5 days, I'll take the decision that looks fine to me", or "for information, S5 has fever and is coughing, I have given to him [medicine] and he slept well, please keep me informed about his health".

I try to make the Christmas time in family most comfortable for everybody including W, not by walking on eggshells but by acting as if I have an Old Aunt at home. Please don't misunderstand me : W is currently making efforts, not by words but by her actions. As I keep "no expectation" in my policy, I am grateful for her actions. For sure I would prefer to have "words" + "actions", in the present situation I prefer "actions without words" than "words without consistent actions". And I see also that she is listening to me and she takes into account my (few) requests.

[Baxter1]

FH-

Sounds like it is going well. The holidays I’m sure will be a challenge but it sounds like you are planing well, good luck!

[Reinventing]

FH, yes, your continued path toward detachment is helping you sound better and more stable. You sound like you've gotten off the rollercoaster of emotions that being tied to an MLCer's words and  actions can bring.

Agreed, nothing is cheaper in life than the words of an MLCer. They fall apart right away. Early on we put a lot of significance into them, but the person they are coming from is unstable.

We don't feel stable, especially at first, but we are the stable ones.

[FrenchHusband]

thanks R and B1 for your nice comments. Life is beautiful and I enjoy every day.

The December month that I expected tough for W is half finished, and... so far so good. Yesterday my father arrived at home. I did not ask W anything, instead I gave to D16 and D14 some tasks to do in order to prepare the house, bed and meal (informations shared to W). What did W ? She cleaned very well the house and bought a dessert and bread. Again, small actions, very meaningful to me. To give the full picture (last addition to the post), W continues to spend a lot of time locked in the room where she sleeps and talks scarcely with me, instead she calls in her country. I write it to be accurate but I don't really mind anymore.

Today is the 30th anniversary of FIL's death. I will go to the mass in the evening with the children and my dad. W is free to come, if she wants she can arrange to end her work earlier and join us. Let's see what happens.

On another topic I am still spending good time with the young mom I am friend with. She wants to launch a lux company, a crazy and risky project that I believe can be successfull. I will propose her to become her associate, I have money that is not necessary to my family needs and that I can risk on her project. Then I will tell W (in January ! not in the tough December) and the children. My involvement in this company will officialize the time I spend with YM, it fits also with the support I intend to give to her, as a friend and with my deep wish from long to launch a company. The next days and years will be very thrilling !

[Treasur]

On another topic I am still spending good time with the young mom I am friend with. She wants to launch a lux company, a crazy and risky project that I believe can be successfull. I will propose her to become her associate, I have money that is not necessary to my family needs and that I can risk on her project. Then I will tell W (in January ! not in the tough December) and the children. My involvement in this company will officialize the time I spend with YM, it fits also with the support I intend to give to her, as a friend and with my deep wish from long to launch a company. The next days and years will be very thrilling !

Oh dear, FH.
This has so many red flags that I have run out of red fabric…..

You will do what you are going to do, no doubt.
But
I have experience of setting up - and shutting down lol - businesses I have owned and co-owned in the past. Most new businesses fail in the first two years and you have already said it is a high risk proposition. You would be investing money that is part of your marital/family pot, whether legally or just morally, without your wife’s active Yes. And at a time when your family’s wellbeing could yet be upended if your wife decides to leave, and when any spare money and energy you have in reserve might be needed to safeguard your collective futures. You are openly saying that it will ‘officialise’ your time with YM - which of course has nothing to do with a business rationale - and indeed it will mean you spending a lot more time with YM, time that doubtless will feel like a lot more fun than time soent with your wife right now. Even if this does not result in a growing intimacy with YM, you will be investing time, energy and money outside your family…..

Do you have any previous experience of setting up a business like this?
Would you still do it if YM were not part of the mix?
How much do you know about YM’s previous experience, her objectives in doing it and doing it with you, and what she would be like to work with as a business partner?
If you find the idea thrilling, what has stopped you doing something similar in the past?

So, a ton of red flags, both business ones and personal ones….really a lot of red flags imho.

You’re going to do you doubtless 
All I can encourage you to do is take your time to think about it from every angle possible and to be as honest with yourself as you can be.

[forthetrees]

This says it all, "My involvement in this company will officialize the time I spend with YM."

You are potentially flushing funds down the drain to craft an excuse to spend yet more time with a woman outside of your marriage. Your train has gone off the rails.

[Treasur]

And in case you forgot, less than a month ago, you wrote this….

There is one particular mom whose first child is one of the BF from S5. We are becoming closer with the time, in May this mom entrusted to me many details of her life, her divorce and the difficult relationships with her XH. She is now 28 yo, has two sons 5yo and 3yo, and she initiated divorce when her second son was 6m yo….am thinking a lot of time about YM. I have had a big desire to send messages to her, to call her to see her, even to cross my red line……At the end I recognize that I am not ready to move on. I want to continue the relationship with YM as a friend. She is making me feel good, I enjoy our discussions.

How does YM feel about me ? I don't know and I don't want to clarify. She is giving me many hints that she may be wanting a relationship with me, she is talking also what she wants/doesn't want in friendship/love relationships (in French the words have same root : amour-amitié->aimer)

Does that sound like a business relationship to you?
Or are you in danger of justifying and rationalising your behaviour in just the same way MLCers do?
As I said, you will do you. It’s your life and your choice.

If you are wise, you will explain to this young woman that you need to end all contact with her to protect your family right now bc you are vulnerable and like her very much. If she is as insightful and caring as you suggest, she will accept and understand that. If she does not, that will tell you something about who she is perhaps. Bc I find myself wondering about why this young woman would think it appropriate to have these kinds of conversations with an older married man with children….

If you decide not to, then hey ho, you will also be choosing the pretty predictable effects that may come with your choice. Bc, other than it making you feel good, I’m really not sure I can see how adding three more humans, two of them very young, will improve the mix of your current situation affecting five humans, three of them kids. Or indeed how it stacks up with the Christian beliefs you talk about as being so important to you and your family, other than as a reminder that all of us at times can be vulnerable to making choices that harm us and others and that this is part of why we hold hard to a set of beliefs that are about more than our own feelings at a given time.

I appreciate that this may seem like a tough choice for you and I am sending you my prayers that you choose well and wisely.

But hopefully someone else reading along will learn from your story regardless of your choice.

[KayDee]

Dear FH,

It's very likely that you are vulnerable that the moment. I initially  hated this fact myself - of being vulnerable, because I consider myself quite a tough bird but we are all vulnerable at times. And being in the MLC storm, it upends our world too. So, for me, recognizing that I am vulnerable, conversely, it's a kind of strength. I approach most things with added caution and reflection, at the moment. Particularly new people who enter my life. I want to keep my same curiosity, sociability and joy, but I move slower.

A few years back, I was bereaved, and a new person entered my life. She turned out to be a complete nightmare (perhaps I'll write a book about it some time - I think Netflix would do a great mini-series  ). I look back now and see how the loss created a kind of void to be exploited. And I think I was a tiny bit limerant for this 'friend', if such a thing can exist with friendships. It's been a salient lesson for me.

[UrsaMajor]

On another topic I am still spending good time with the young mom I am friend with. She wants to launch a lux company, a crazy and risky project that I believe can be successfull. I will propose her to become her associate, I have money that is not necessary to my family needs and that I can risk on her project. Then I will tell W (in January ! not in the tough December) and the children. My involvement in this company will officialize the time I spend with YM, it fits also with the support I intend to give to her, as a friend and with my deep wish from long to launch a company. The next days and years will be very thrilling !