[WHY]

The harder you fight.  The more you’re feeding her narcissistic supply. 

Don’t do it.   It’s only going to make things worse. 

https://www.choosingtherapy.com/narcissistic-supply/

And get sober for you.  Not for her.   Not for anyone else.  For you.  And if you ever hope to attract her back once she’s through this.   If you’re drinking.   It won’t be that beacon of light.   

[KayDee]

NAS.
I understand your thinking however making her friends list private to everyone other than me. I confirmed with like 6 mutual friends. They only see mutual and the main list says it’s private. But not to me. That is not an accident it is deliberate. That’s not what I assume that is a fact. Why else am I the only one who can see it?
It had a reason whether to hurt me or make me jealous or whatever. She wanted me and only me to see it.
Everything else you’ve said has merit. And again thank you for reaching out.

I could answer this with my best guess, others could chime in with theirs, and then tomorrow, she could block you seeing this group, or fill her pages with pictures of Morgan Freeman, and then we'd all be back guessing again. That's what I meant about you being drawn into her confusion.  It won't make much difference to you in the long-run, because this week's unexplainable utterance or act, will be replaced - often by a contradictory one.

You ask if there is anything you can do. Others have eloquently outlined the 'working on you' aspect of this. I add, you can be kind (within strong boundaries) and keep to your values and integrity. Your W is not being kind to you. Allow yourself and others to do this for you, it will help you on your journey of recovery.

[JohnnyBravo]

Hi, ICF

I hate to say it, but whatever response you make can be twisted against you. If you fight harder, you're controlling and desperate, and she needs to leave. If you back off, you agree with her and don't care about the marriage, so she needs to leave. To borrow from Jurassic Park, "monster finds a way." That's why it's best to not try to twist your mind up understanding the why.

If somebody DOES want you to fight for the relationship, that's manipulative and an ultimatum, which isn't the mature way to go about it.

We're all here for you.

JB

[WHY]

Hi, ICF

I hate to say it, but whatever response you make can be twisted against you. If you fight harder, you're controlling and desperate, and she needs to leave. If you back off, you agree with her and don't care about the marriage, so she needs to leave. To borrow from Jurassic Park, "monster finds a way." That's why it's best to not try to twist your mind up understanding the why.

If somebody DOES want you to fight for the relationship, that's manipulative and an ultimatum, which isn't the mature way to go about it.

We're all here for you.

JB

Exactly this.  No matter what you do. She will hate and resent you for it.  The only diffs is, if you step away, she’ll still hate you, but you wont feed her narcissistic supply, which only makes things worse. 

If she gets a reaction out of you, she’ll continue to seek those reactions for her supply and keep doing it and escalate.  If you ignore it and disarm, she’ll probably/hopefully stop the behavior and move onto something else. 

And when I say ignore it, don’t actively make a big deal about ignoring it, because then she’ll know she’s still under your skin.  You need to reach a place of indifference and you’ll starve the supply over time. 

[Nas]

If she gets a reaction out of you, she’ll continue to seek those reactions for her supply and keep doing it and escalate. 

In honor of Nietzsche's birthday, I'd like to offer you this quote: "Most people are far too much occupied with themselves to be malicious."

At the risk of upsetting anyone, I believe it is a far too common occurrence that LBS break their own hearts even further by believing the myth that the actions and words of a fractured person in crisis are focused at all in any way toward the LBS. Plainly stated, the person in crisis isn't thinking about the LBS. At all. They are focused inward. It is a natural reaction for a heartbroken LBS to believe that their spouse is still factoring them into their choices, even when those choices now include lying, stealing, cheating, etc. It is a natural desire on the part of the newly BDed LBS to believe that their spouse is acting out in an attempt to make the LBS notice them.

We always say it's not personal, that the person in crisis would have done this to whomever they married, that it's not about us. That is true in all regards. It's never about the LBS. When the spouse is engaged in an affair, it's not about the LBS. When the spouse is cruising tinder, it's not about the LBS.  When the previously demure spouse starts wearing thigh high leather boots, it's not about the LBS. When the spouse converts religions, buys a motorcycle, quits their job, moves to South of France...it's not about the LBS. No matter what it looks like,  no matter how "obvious" it seems, it's not about the LBS.

Believing that anything they do is about you is zero benefit, 100% detrimental. Spending time watching her, looking for clues, wondering what it might mean if she makes this private or that public or posts this picture or deletes that picture, all that time wasted is nothing but wasted time.

She's too preoccupied with herself to be devising sly ways to get a rise out of you or hurt you. Her actions are hurtful, because she's unilaterally chosen to break the partnership you believed you were jointly building for many years. That decision was made by her, for her benefit, without your knowledge or input, and of course that is shocking at first and extremely painful. But you get to decide what to do with that pain. Taking the focus off what she's doing goes a long way to mitigating the hurt. Watching for hidden smoke signals or signs of a secret devious scheme to get you to chase her, react to her or fight for her only prolongs the agony.

[WHY]

Everything NAS is saying is 100% accurate.  In your case, I totally agree.  You’re not a factor in any of her decision making. 

However.  I’m dealing with a wallower.   And my MLCer has done things I know were meant to get a rise out of me (confirmed through snooping).   If I show no reaction, the behavior generally stops.

Either way, your actions are the same.  Stop watching her, and focus on you.   

[AlvinTheMaker]

Dear IChooseFaith,

If there was a pattern or behaviour that provided guaranteed "this saved my marriage"-results, everyone here would be sharing and following it.  But there is no pattern (apart of the "shock" that every LBS has faced). This community and countless others are living proof it.

I am not saying you should give up. On the contrary... In the end what matters is that you can be in peace with yourself regardless of what happens. Knowing you gave your best shot and you can move on with no regrets.

Alvin

[UrsaMajor]

NAS.
I understand your thinking however making her friends list private to everyone other than me. I confirmed with like 6 mutual friends. They only see mutual and the main list says it’s private. But not to me. That is not an accident it is deliberate. That’s not what I assume that is a fact. Why else am I the only one who can see it?

It had a reason whether to hurt me or make me jealous or whatever. She wanted me and only me to see it.


Everything else you’ve said has merit. And again thank you for reaching out.

You are talking about Fakebook, right? FakeBook has different "categories" of "friends" - i. e. "Acquaintances," "Friend," "Close Friends," etc.

She could have made her list private to "Friends,' thinking that you are in that list and forgetting that she may have, at one point, put you in the "Close Friends" category or she may have made it visible to only "Friends" and had the others in the "Acquaintance" category. She may also have her head stuffed so far up her .... fog... that she is using her belly button as a periscope and randomly clicked on something thinking that she has made her list invisible and has no freaking idea that you can still see it or........

The bottom line is that as long as you continue to try to taste green with your elbow and try to figure out why she is doing whatever it is that she is doing. you will continue to suffer.....

[Ichoosefaith]

Okay.

I keep trying to remember that there is no sense to make of things. It’s just so hard watching someone I’ve loved since I was 14 turn into someone so unlike who she’s always been. Even down to the music she listens to now.

I found a 10,000 dollar cashiers check made out to a specific persons name and an envelope containing at least another 10000 in cash. So she has drained her bank account for something. I searched for the persons name only thing in our area is a realtor an hour away. However why would the check be made to a realtor by name and not the company or an escrow. And last we discussed she was gonna try to keep our house and I was going to move out and she was going to use her 20 grand toward buying me out. Literally today she asked me about buying me out and asked if I’d call the bank saying they wouldn’t even tell her if they received her application so she said I had to call.

So I call waste my entire lunch break calling both mortgage companies who both told me she applied she would have to call they can’t give me any info.

And she hasn’t said anything to me about all the money or the money order obviously. But she’s still acting like the plan is for her to keep our house. But now she drained the account she was going to buy me out of.

I can’t begin to put any rationalization to all the things she’s done and ways she’s planted seeds or left breadcrumbs I think deliberately to try to mess with me or test me if I’m still checking in on her. But of course I am.

The words she has uttered in my face and the hurt she has already caused in the past six months ( mostly the past three ).

There has never been a more difficult thing I have had to deal with emotionally and mentally. And I just hope the woman I love isn’t lost forever. That she’s still in there under the monster.

[AlvinTheMaker]

Speaking about money... is that 20k shared wealth or her money only?  For example in my neighbourhood everything is shared unless you two have prenuptial agreement, and even it can be disputed under specific terms.

Also, why would you waste your lunch break for thing that promotes her goals. Nicing her way does nothing good. Let her do the work. If she has made application, of course the bank will respond only to her unless your name is on the application as well. If the bank needs something from you, they will contact you.

Love is a double-edged sword, and from my cheap seats it looks like you need outside help to make rational (=not love-driven) decisions to protect your future. If you have not yet hired a lawyer whom to turn and have advice on situations like these two , I would start NOW. 

Alvin