[Ichoosefaith]

I’m going to be honest. There are days and days that feel like I’m only alive because I have my two D’s. Like a sad realization that I can’t even end the pain because they need me. So I’m just living this existence for the sake of other people. I go through cycles where I want to get through it all and a lot where I want to give up. Where I’m 35 and since I was 14 years old I have loved this woman and never wanted a life without her. But now I’m forced to live it. And also live it sober. And though I’m proud I no longer drink deep down I know it would make it hurt less ( or at least that’s the addict in me ).

I try to have hope and remember this ain’t about me but it’s hard when the attacks and the words are so personal. When it’s all directed at me and pointed as my fault. I have my own guilt and shame for actions I’ve done and my part in it. But to have her act as though we were nothing. To just treat me this way after so long so cold and careless and it’s so easy for her to just do all of it.
Not only has the person she was died she’s been replaced with someone who would laugh at my pain and continuously joke about it and flaunt it all around but weirdly still hide and lie about so much.

I knew this part of her existed I saw it when we were teenagers like 16-17 years old. I just thought it wasn’t there anymore. How naive I was to think we could escape it. I would give or do anything to save her if she’s still in there. But everyone says I can’t. There’s nothing I can do. And as a husband as a man who believes in real love and that that is in fact what we have it doesn’t sit right with me. This can’t be how our story ends after all we’ve been through.

I don’t know how to not love her.

And I don’t know how to give up. That’s not something I’ve ever done before.

[xyzcf]

What we had was special...familiar, comfortable  and felt so very secure.

The place we are in when they leave is unknown, cold, dark, and affects our body's physiology as well as our emotional well being.

Eventually, we find a way around this pain, this agony, this loss...but it takes some help. A good therapist, perhaps medication, new friendships, perhaps some new hobbies or places to explore...if we can, we try to stay open to "new" things even when we feel like shutting down.

There really is nothing we can do about them. There is much we can do about us. The "depression" we feel blocks our energy and drags us down, nothing seems interesting...we miss the love we once shared so very much.

I am glad that you have your daughters. Something that was said to me when I was in a very bad place by a poster here was "xyzcf, your daughter has already lost one parent. She cannot lose you too"...many years later, I remember those words pushing me out of the inertia I felt..lack of desire, lack of anything.

As you know, many many people on this site feel as you do...and many, many more over the years have over come this loss and healed...and resumed their life in a meaningful way.

Things that helped me (and each person will find their own):

Exercise...walking every day combined with yoga
My faith and church
Learning to play golf...when I would address the ball...for that brief moment my mind would clear briefly...I could recognize that moment in time and eventually they became more the norm..shutting off the waves of pain that seemed to take over my whole life.
Volunteering with children who have been abused
Travel to new places
Meeting and sharing with other LBser
Rescuing a dog who actually rescued me
Hope, hope that I would be ok regardless
Eventually acceptance of what is.

I hope that you will find that crack that will let light into your life and your heart. Watch for it, it may be the briefest moment but if you recognize these moments, they will grow and become more with time and the bad moments will become less.

Very good that you continue to avoid alcohol. That is hard as well and you are being successful. That is really good for you and your daughters!

[MadLuv]

I can feel your pain and we have all been there and I wish there was some magic to help and ease it, but the only way to get to the other side of pain is through it.  Your so early in.

The first year is just the most horrid pain and just trying to grasp this is even happening.

The second year you start to calm a bit, but anxiety and sleeping are still an issue and you play through things and ruminate on your life.

The third year is when you accept this is your life now and it is sad to have to accept, but you do. You will laugh again and start to really enjoy the little things.

It’s hard. No matter how it plays out. You planned a life with someone  that chose to end that and you had no choice in the matter and how they are handling it is unfair and often beyond cruel. It changes who you thought they were and what your past was.

My therapist said, it was real tor you and that’s all that matters. I told her but if it wasn’t real for him than what I thought was real wasn’t. That I think is what he grapple with. The more you read and understand the dynmic of depression, cover or overt narcissism, mlc you will have better understanding and also find some calm on that you can’t help someone that doesn’t want to be helped. They have to want to help themselves.

[Treasur]

I would echo what xyzcf said. That was my experience too. For quite a while, I couldn’t live in the past bc it hurt too much and I couldn’t live in the future bc I couldn’t see it, so I had to teach myself to live the best I could in the present day. Sometimes in the hour tbh 

And just as xyzcf described, moments came that let bits of light in. Tiny ones at first, then bigger ones. Things that perhaps no one else but me even noticed….a lone daffodil on a long walk, realising I’d just spent a couple of hours digging in a new garden and not thought about my then h, being able to read a book, coffee with a friend where the conversation had nothing to do with my grief and felt normal.

Imho it works just like sobriety….a day at a time. Some days are better than others, that’s all. It’s a hell of an achievement that you have stayed sober, my friend, remarkable. And I hope you feel proud of that. But it also means you can trust yourself that you have the toolbox for this too bc it’s a similar recovery process. Tbh a lot of the basic 12 step work can be used in this kind of recovery too. Do you have a support group or a sober buddy or a decent IC to walk with you as you figure your new normal out?

Imho you don’t have to stop loving her, you just have to be open to the possibility of loving her differently and doing different things with those feelings. Like living sober, just the same. And just like living sober, I’m not going to BS you that all of those feelings you feel magically disappear…..you just slowly learn how to build a life despite them. Most of us here will admit that even years on we have moments of sorrow or disbelief, moments when we miss what we had….and that’s ok (well, doable perhaps more than ok)….what matters is the balance of moments over time and how they build.

Your point about giving up? Well, some of us struggled with that too so if it’s any comfort you are not alone in that either. I think each of us needs to find our own way to reframe what ‘not giving up’ means in our new situation….what we can do with what is in our control. Bc some things in life are not….i find it easier to see that now as an older person than I did in my 30s….but it is true, I think. Sometimes we are not in charge of the hand we are dealt to play with, but we are almost always in more charge than we feel in how we play the hand we have. And that includes what we expose ourselves to at different times in our lives….i have sober friends for instance who years ago could not be in a pub, but who find it no big deal now to be around others drinking. If you find being exposed to unkind behaviour or words from her distressing right now - and it sounds as if you might - it’s ok to choose to limit your exposure to them, to learn to walk away or simply have less contact with her for a while until you find your feet. You can’t control her behaviour, but you absolutely have the right to say No thanks to being exposed to it if that’s what you need. Again, now that you are living sober, it’s not very different from what you have doubtless had to do with old drinking chums…you can’t control their drinking, or why they do it, only decide what works for the current sober you and what doesn’t.

And when you find your feet a bit more, it will become easier for you to see that other peoples’ cruelty or anger or blame or deceit towards us is very rarely about us at all….it’s about how they deal with being them in their skin in their own life….just as we each find a way of being in our own skin. Are you perfect or were you a perfect husband? Probably not…none of us are, are we? But did any of your flaws warrant this? Probably not…bc it is about her flaws, not yours…and hers to figure out for herself as a person and a parent. And your own path forward from here is much the same.

My best advice, my friend, is a day at a time.
What will you do today that might let a crack of light in?

[KayDee]

It helped me to understand that grieving is a form of depression. And that what happens to us is a form of complicated grief. It doesn't change the feelings, but it did attach some meaning to my feeling of deep sadness and, at times, emptiness. There is a reason you feel this way and you will not feel this way forever.

You said in previous posts that your W had moved out, and I wondered then how you are still exposed to her cold and cruel behaviour. There is a lot of to and fro on the forum about contact, but, IMO, in circumstances where behaviour (direct or indirect) has a detrimental effect, a period of black-out is not only good for healing, it supports damage limitation on both fronts. Treasur's post about applying your sobriety skills to the situation is a brilliant observation. You might consider a period of abstinence from your W for your own well-being. I promise you, there are other people out there that love and appreciate you. Let them embrace you while you get back on your feet.

[Ichoosefaith]

Thank you all for your support and wisdom. I read it all and understand it. Applying it and fighting the spiral and bad feelings is another thing entirely.

I know it’s not about me. And that’s why I feel like I’m abandoning her by not going after her, but she isn’t there right now. And so the woman is be going after only sees red when she sees or hears from me.

She moved me across the country to leave me so I don’t have old pals or people here to lean on. I’m just rawdogging this thing called life with no support system no team and no one on my side here. We were both born and raised 2200 miles from here so I’m stuck for the moment figuring it out alone.

Don’t know if it’s allowed but below is my fb link I’ve been not great at getting on here and responding. I mostly just read everyone else’s stories and find comfort in the similarities that this in fact what I am facing. And I am not crazy.

Sorry but the link had to be removed as it leads to a personal FB page and personally identifying information is not allowed - UM

[Ichoosefaith]

I am getting better at detaching and understanding this is not about me however the one thing I struggle with is ho no contact is good?

 I get that we don’t have any productive conversations so that part is good but if I want my wife back how is disappearing and not contacting her going to do that. If I am out of sight out of mind. How will she ever want to come back if she doesn’t see me or hear from me ?

[FaithWalker]

ICF, there are many people that I don't see very often, or at all any more and yet I still think about them.

Right now, initiating the contact like you said is her only seeing red or feeling like you are being intrusive towards her.

Any time I contacted my xH for anything other than what was required (as we had kids together) was seen as pressure or manipulation to him.  So I chose to mirror him.  If he wished me Happy Birthday, I would text a few months later on his birthday and wish him the same.  If he didn't, then I didn't. 

[Ichoosefaith]

Update:

Today I signed what should be the final stipulation I’m in our dissolution. I still can’t believe this is where we are.

Her and new OM seem to be serious however my d made the comment he won’t stick around moms just bored as she said. Lol.

I still believe she’s in there under this all and someday she is going to hate herself for everything she has done but there is still nothing I can do to help her. I know that ultimately no one can make her as happy as I could especially after all this but I don’t know that I’ll ever get the chance to prove it. We have always overcome anything and I still believe that what we have had for soooo long is real and we can still do anything together. But right now she just can’t.

So I’m just trying to GAL hanging with new friends and casually dating here and there and trying to not be lonely and not feel like I’m dying or like I should. It’s a process building back everything in myself I lost between getting sober and also losing her.

But I have to survive this. What other choice do I have when I have two daughters and a whole life ahead of me

[Reinventing]

You will survive this. It will get better and you won't always feel this way. You are in a tough part of all of this with the dissolution.

Yes, your daughters need you.