[Treasur]

I’ve had a “good” day considering the circumstances. Until this is resolved one way or the other I’m not sure I’m really ever going to have sincere good days. I’m SO early in but I don’t see this playing out years - or Atleast me living in limbo. I’ve always believed “a sharp knife cuts the deepest but hurts the least.”  I just wish this happened in my 20’s!!!

I guess I have a couple of Q’s  from all the mentors and OG’s that have been thru this :

In hindsight - what would you have done differently, or sooner  or later ?

If this were to happen in your next relationship how would you react?

What are your biggest regrets from it all ?

If kids were involved - how did that play out later in life ? Relationships w u and Ex etc ?

While this is most likely the biggest hurdle we will face in our lives since the consequences are irreversible and some factions of life will be altered forever!
TIA - maybe I’m just trying to speed up my learning curve from the wisdom of those that walked before me. I know all situations are different but comparisons still have value.

I found your questions difficult to answer, and took a little time to think about why. Years on, I think I genuinely believe that I did my best for someone I loved very much AND that whatever I did or did not do made no difference at all to my then h or for our marriage. I find a kind of peace in knowing that, however foolish I was, I tried my best and I don’t regret that I did. Having said that what I do regret came as a consequence - at least partially - from trying so hard to deal with something I could not understand and that created a lot of damage. So much that I subsequently developed PTSD….and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone, it was horrific. So I think the closest big learning point for me is that I would have been better if I could have stepped away earlier from the things I found incomprehensible and painful that were happening around me and prioritised my own wellbeing much much more. It’s a bit of a two-edged sword bc I think that means I would have needed to open my hand and let go of a lot of my attachment to my h and marriage earlier than I did….so I don’t regret trying but I do regret HOW I tried and the personal cost of it, if that makes sense?

Fwiw I’m not sure filing, or getting divorced, is a panacea. I think it does do some things….it allows you to disengage from bits of the rollercoaster and it gives you permission perhaps to reduce contact and to draw a cleaner line between your business and theirs and your life and theirs. But I found that the process of slowly detaching from all the what ifs and whys and WTF gave me more peace and that took me quite a while after the legal stuff….so imho finding your own way to almost push yourself into gradual detachment - and I did have to be very intentional about it - was more useful than a legal divorce. At least emotionally.

I can’t imagine getting a repeat in another relationship tbh. For both good and not so  good reasons perhaps. Bc of ways in which this experience has changed my pov on the world and tbh bc I am now almost allergic to certain kinds of behaviour….so much more sensitised that even if it is something in the news or that I experience second hand, I have a really strong No feeling to it. Physically and mentally. My hard-learned detachment is a thread in me now….i think it makes me less personally invested or engaged emotionally with others but it also makes me more respectful and less quick to judge or fix. And it also makes me feel deep and sincere gratitude for good humans and good stuff.  Perhaps I just value some things more than I used to and step away from others more easily, idk.

And regrets? Well, that’s difficult….i have had times when I think the only way to have avoided this life experience was to have said No to marrying my h. But my Yes was a genuine one, my commitment was solid and I could not have known what I did not know….and if I had said No, I also would have missed out on two decades of experiences that were, for me, mostly extremely happy ones. And of course one can never know the path not taken.

My challenge tbh was less about the questions you ask and more about trying to find some way to make peace with where I had found myself and all the things I had thought I knew that I now no longer felt I knew at all. That was a doozy and it has taken me a few years tbh to get even close. But my experience left a lot of questions and very few answers 

All of which is to say that imho a sense of peace is a worthwhile goal.
And rarely achieved with one mighty bound or a single action.
And a very personal balancing act between what you think you should do, what you want and what you feel you need to survive and rebuild on the other side of this life experience.

I am sorry that you had the experience of watching your wife tell your children last night. Of course your heart is heavy….its a sad thing…..and yes, it probably will change the landscape in some ways. I suspect from what you have described of your w’s behaviour so far you will find yourself needing to develop some new boundaries in this new situation. And of course you are going to be concerned about the best way to support and resoect your kids needs in an age appropriate way whilst doubtless hating that you cannot protect them from the effects of something big that neither you nor they chose or can change.  But living in limbo with secrets and fear of further exploding bombs is not an easy way to live either, is it? Even hard truth can, once the emotional upswell dies down, bring a strange kind of relief. What do you and your kids think is your W’s ‘plan’ for what happens next? (I say ‘plan’ bc I’m not sure MLC folks really do that….i think they replace plan with words and dramatic gestures lol) And do you have a plan of your own?

The good news is that focusing on this sense of peace - rather than your marriage or your spouse - seems to be a win-win regardless of whether your marriage is reconciled or whether you write a new chapter entirely.

What would bring you most peace now, do you think?

[Helpnewc]

Dear Treasur,

I found what you have written so helpful and how I feel.

I am 19 months in with an at home low energy wallower. I do wish she would leave so that I can start healing. I regret not pushing sooner as I cannot see any recovery and I am just so tired.

You have hit the nail on the head about the difficulty in adjusting to how your life will be. I love my wife. I love my family. I am not what she says I am and no human should be treated the way I am. Yet I have gathered my strength, I have kept my integrity and I am ready for what comes next.

Unlike my wife, I can face being apart from my children so that when I am with them I can surround them with love and really be there for them. I am not prepared to not move forward so that I keep time with my kids.


The hard part is my wife has been prepared to repair with others but not with me. Of course, there is nothing I can do but accept that. There is no anger but just sadness.

I have a deep peace. But I look forward to her going. I want to pay the bill and move on.

I do regret hanging on for so long and believing she was in there somewhere. She is not. She is gone.

[lost88]

Two outstanding posts ! Ty both. I applaud those that can stand for such a long time it’s impressive for sure. I’m not sure how this plays out esp w the kids now in the know. I’m doing my best but it’s not easy as we all know. It’s painful to see her and not know who she is - while she says this is part of me now …. Not sure I buy that ! We now have a full house of pain and I’m worried about everyone …..Tks for the replies and info from u both

[lost88]

I have a Q

Kids now know and wife in separate room. Other day I left
For work while she was on morning walk and I didn’t tell her. She was surprised I did that. She has said she would like to be separated and this is as close as it gets for us rn.
Should I tell her I’m leaving ? Where I’m going etc? We have been doing that for the most part.
She’s distant to me at home but not nasty. Conversation is
Usually around kids and schedules etc.

[Treasur]

Imho, no, not unless it is practically necessary eg doors being locked/unlocked, kids having one or the other adult present. Factual, calm practical civility is just fine….she may want more than that, or expect something different from you, but hey ho, limited communication about what you are doing with your life and time is an entirely predictable effect of the separation she wants.

When in doubt, think roommate and parallel parent - if it makes sense to do something in that context, do so. Everything else? Not your obligation. Don’t be petty or an a$$hat, sure, but don’t feel obliged to act like a husband when she has fired you from the job. So it might make sense to say I will be late back after work but will be back by 10pm to ensure kids are picked up, fed and watered….but I can’t see why you would be obliged to share what you were doing with your time after work or say goodbye dearest before leaving for work or need her permission as long as someone is responsible for the kids, just the facts. That is pretty standard for separated parents, whether under the same roof or not, isn’t it? And what she says she wants…

[forthetrees]

Your kids are old enough to be home alone but at the same time are old/young enough to get into trouble being home alone- esp. if they are feeling abandoned by their parents. Kids tend to act out and may do stupid stuff to get attention, even negative attention, just to get proof that they matter. They are in an awkward spot as they are at the age when you are supposed to be distancing in some regards from their parents but now need reassurance that their world has not imploded. All that to say that if the kids would be home alone then I would share timing of arrival and departure. If it´s just your daily off to work that you´ve done for a long time, then no. The odds of her being forthright about her comings and goings and activities with you are about nil so no need to be an open book. This is a consequence of breaking the partnership.

[lost88]

Update - Communication is civil, short, and non confrontational. I believe she’s relieved that the kids now know and has a sense of freedom / acceptance. Holidays coming will be interesting and more difficult for me than her. I’m torn on getting her a small gift since she seems to buy herself whatever she wants. Not much I can do about that with her own CC and income. She seems content in spare room for now and keeping up with her motherly duties. It’s so hard getting used to this new normal where she’s totally numb to it all. Totally focused on her self, appearance, clothes, and skin care. All seems normal from the stories I’ve read. I’m certain there’s more going on but since there’s nothing I can do - I’ve got to focus on what I can control. My son and I are close and my daughter and I are getting closer. They are both concerned about me which is very kind. They are good kids and don’t deserve this - my daughter is almost ok w it since so many of her friends parents are divorced already. This world is jacked up and we are just churning out kids that will follow similar patterns. I’m making progress for sure but it’s hard and almost seems wrong ….

[Treasur]

Not sure why you would buy her a gift in these circumstances? What’s your boundary about that and gift giving generally?  And your kids are old enough to buy their own gifts for her if they wish.

You may choose to confirm that you are not expecting a gift from her and not intending to buy one to keep the decks and mutual expectations clean. If you do I’d buy what I call a ‘stranger dropping by’ gift - a candle, posh chocs, a bottle of something nice….a neutral general kind of gift.  I susoect though that this is one of those lose-lose situations regardless of what you do, so imho only way to not lose is to not play.

[lost88]

I dont have one but see your point. Its just odd to have our favorite holiday and give her something - but your right! She’s told me she bot new pants for herself and that can be my gift
From me to her … I’ll pass on that as well …will help / pay for kids ford to mom. But they may not want to participate … not sure how that would be received
Tks for the input

[Biscuit]

Myself and W were discussing gifts last year at Christmas and I suggested we both give a donation to each others favourite charity for the amount we would have normally spent on a present. The suggestion went down surprisingly well and no one felt awkward about exchanging presents.

Doing the same this year