[mcm64d]

Please never lose faith in marriage or love of human beings because of this. There is so much life to live and although we (and I do mean we) cannot always see it every minute of every day, we, IMHO, need to believe that one day we will be whole again,, that one day we will have the faith to love again, that one day our spouses may get the help they need and return (or not if that is what you prefer), that one day there is a happier place for all of us.

For today.....get a few positive minutes for yourself and try to expand it as long as possible. Cook, clean, exercise, watch TV, walk, run, do whatever it is that will make it alright.

https://youtu.be/lwo9e8zJl5g?si=d0clerU9ge2fCrYY

[mcm64d]

It's all hard. As you said, they are not dead, they are still alive so it is difficult to have any sense of closure.

Not to minimize the rest of your post, but mine actually asked me what closure is. I know she knows what it is.........It is what it is.

[lost88]

I’ve had a “good” day considering the circumstances. Until this is resolved one way or the other I’m not sure I’m really ever going to have sincere good days. I’m SO early in but I don’t see this playing out years - or Atleast me living in limbo. I’ve always believed “a sharp knife cuts the deepest but hurts the least.”  I just wish this happened in my 20’s!!!

I guess I have a couple of Q’s  from all the mentors and OG’s that have been thru this :

In hindsight - what would you have done differently, or sooner  or later ?

If this were to happen in your next relationship how would you react?

What are your biggest regrets from it all ?

If kids were involved - how did that play out later in life ? Relationships w u and Ex etc ?

While this is most likely the biggest hurdle we will face in our lives since the consequences are irreversible and some factions of life will be altered forever!
TIA - maybe I’m just trying to speed up my learning curve from the wisdom of those that walked before me. I know all situations are different but comparisons still have value.

[forthetrees]

I would have cut ties sooner with hindsight- got bitten in the face by his newly adopted dog and 6 weeks later had first MS episode. Do NOT underestimate the physical toll this takes. Have dated some people and have ended it due to finding out that they were not being above board on various things. It can take 2 years to really see the person so whatever ya do, don´t leap into any financial commitments with another person for a loooooooong time. I paid for the marriage counseling and wish I had spent that on a vacation or massages instead as he just lied repeatedly.

These formerly very kind people break in a major way as in the foundation itself is compromised. Cutting ties sooner does not mean that you´ll necessarily heal any faster. It does mean that the extent of the damage will be less.

[lost88]

Tks for sharing - greatly appreciated

[xyzcf]

I "think" I know why you are asking these questions....you want the pain to stop, faster than slower.

I just went for a long walk to think about your questions....and these are my own personal views (BD being over 14 years ago).

The short answer is no. There is nothing I would change. I made the best decisions that I could at the time, got "advice" as needed from professionals, separated the "business" from my emotions.

Looking back and trying to make any kind of judgement for me of how I handled things would be a waste of time, because I can't change anything.

I still have the same beliefs about the permanency of marriage as I did then.

I made choices and listened to my inner self and what "she" wanted.....I valued my family and that has allowed me to make a place for him in this family which has been good for our daughter and in the long run, with my acceptance that this is how things are, it is comfortable in many ways.

There are some things I found out along the way that I wish I did not know...but not because I ever went searching. Things I would discover accidentally.

I stepped away from him, allowed contact on his terms but did not interfere with his crisis or his life.

Agape and unconditional love for him remain. His crisis is tragic, for him, for me and for our daughter.

We ( he and I ) used to use a phrase about times "no regrets"..and that came to mind..there are no regrets for anything I did or did not do. I am still very clear that if I were the one in crisis, I would very much like to be treated by him the way I have treated him.

[lost88]

Tks for the insight !

I appreciate all perspectives since this is something I never imagined! I’ve heard of others going thru this but no one close to me where i was educated what it’s really like.

My friend, who I confide in can’t understand any of this since he’s not living it

[Baxter1]

I would argue that by not filing you are fighting for your marriage. By disengaging from her and letting her go through her MLC you are not really pushing the D forward. I think a lot of people in MLC don’t want to do the work/be the bad guy and don’t end up filing. Just my 2 cents, my MIL(who is appalled by her daughter’s actions) recently said that my W told her she doesn’t want to file since we will lose the house. Im standing, for the kids,house,Baxter and even my W. Not sure of the timeline, maybe she’ll come back to this planet in a couple of years, maybe she won’t but at this point I’m not going anywhere.

Good luck!

[lost88]

Valid point -
Last night the kids D15, S17 were told. They k ew something was up but my son thought it was a joke. Was hard for me. I mostly let W talk and explain that she’s not happy with anything rn. He just said I don’t understand ? Why ? W - I don’t know.

I feel this will push her further away from me since no more faking it. I’m sure contact will be less. It’s all so sad and hard to make sense of. My heart is heavy for everyone …

[Baxter1]

It does suck but unfortunately you get used to it. You get into a routine, we haven’t had a family dinner in quite some time. Separate vacations, she locks herself on her room when she gets home.
I choose to remember the good 21 years as oposed to looking at the bad time we’re going through, hope that helps