[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello and Merry Christmas to you as well!

I want to commend you on making it thorough this nightmare and glad that you had a great day. Just be mentally prepared for the return of the killer zombie. I have read your story and contemplating my own story as well as with others to help guide you and provide support as you navigate your journey to recovery. Because in the end, this forum and your story is what we are all about.

Tells me she loves me and I’m a great father and husband and this is her process alone. I can’t help because it’s not about me.

There is a lot of truth in this statement. I don't know what she is feeling. I don't even thinks she knows. I experienced the same thing. However, my ex also had OM in the picture. He wasn't the cause of her crisis, but he was a prominent symptom. MLC is all about escape and avoidance and OM gave her the escape she wanted.

She’s confused, depressed, and just unhappy with her life - all aspects.

Sam in my situation. She was very confused and yet positive on other aspects. Just like your ex, she moved out into her own room- we were living like roommates and all aspects of our marriage crumbled. Other issues outside also had a major impact on our situation. In the end, she filed for divorce and left. The important part was that I survived and moved forward. I think you will do the same as well. So, I want to ponder with you something that I have thought about during and after my ex's crisis. Was I too nice to my ex during her crisis. In my situation, the nicer I was towards her, the worse she got.

In your situation, you have already survived her infidelity. She should actually be grateful that you stayed with her as I know many couples that infidelity is an automatic end of the marriage. Yet, you not only continued, but built a very strong marriage until this roadblock.  How many times can you take hits from her?

Appreciate the feedback - I guess im beginning to give up standing. I wear my emotions on my sleeve and have never been good at faking things. While I love this group it seems most end in D and since my wife is focused on that as the most likely outcome .. why should I fight or have any hope? I’m not filing but but choosing not to fight for us either ..

I followed the same path and was in limbo for almost three years. It's a long time living as a shadow person. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. That's why I suggest you focus on your and your children's mental health and live as if she is not coming back. While this is difficult, I think you should go dark on her and  do your thing without her. You can't spend your life as living in a marriage and acting as if you are married to her and she lives a single life. She can go out and have fun, picks and chooses her activities and interactions with you. Yet, you stay at home and run the household. It's not a fair situation for you and how long can you maintain living like this?

I go in and grab a piece of ham from the food. My mother-in-law was preparing. She was not happy about it and gets frustrated when people pull food prior to being served to everyone. She got nasty As she  usually does which I blew off and just went to a different room.

So you do know how to poke the bear LOL You may need to do that with your wife time to time to let her know you are not the pushover.

Have a great Christmas and enjoy all the time you have with your family!

(((Ready)))

[lost88]

Thanks For the suggestions ready !  How do go dark on someone I live with and have to co-parent ? I don’t think I can 2+ years like this although it would be nice for my D to graduate HS before our life blows up.
I am most likely too nice … until I’m not and then I’m vengeful tons fault. Today was a tough day for me for sure … she basically ignored me all day, but was pleasant fun in her normal self with my entire family. She hugged and greeted everybody and held conversations with laughter and joy. Not once speaking about me to me, or even looking at me. To watch this play out for several hours was very difficult and I felt like telling everybody exactly what was going on. I also caught her several times going up to her room to consume alcohol. she did do a great job, preparing the food and hosting, but wearing the mask is something that she is much better at doing than I am. Once everybody left, she moved back down to low energy eventually retreated to her bedroom.
This is the craziest thing I’ve ever been thru … honestly, it feels like it’s gonna blow up any day and half the time I feel like just accelerating it

[lost88]

Here’s my question - 

How do you know what stage they are in ?

And if my wife seemed to be in a quarter life crisis 11 years ago does this cycle just start over ? I hadn’t looked any of this up at that time but the symptoms seem so similar - but she seemed to be able to suppress her feelings at that time. The “voice” is too strong now and I think chaos is coming soon ..

What’s scary are the dark eyes .. I remember them from years ago .. could never forget them and it pains me they are back.

[Nas]

Stage watching is a recipe for anxiety. If you really believe that your wife had a quarter life crisis then how much of your own precious life do you want to spend watching your wife be “in crisis“? How much of it back then and now is crisis and how much of it is part of who she is? I don’t ask that to cause you pain, I ask because it’s really important to ask these questions.

Whatever she is doing now is the reality and placing a label of a stage on it will not change that, unfortunately. There’s nothing you can do to change it. LBS spend a lot of time watching and wishing for signs of liminality. But even those who have reconciled will tell you that shifts along the way were imperceptible.

I don’t say this out of bitterness, time is precious. I was diagnosed with metastatic cancer not long after bomb drop and I would give anything to have that time back that I spent wondering what was going on in his head.

[lost88]

That’s kinda why I’m asking … I’m not doing this for years… not gonna work !

[Nas]

That’s kinda why I’m asking … I’m not doing this for years… not gonna work !

Everyone has to make their own call on that. And you may find that you change your mind several times, many LBS do.

[xyzcf]

Here are the stages as per RCR's articles

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_overview_stages.html

[lost88]

As we know changes the only constant in life. Thank you for providing them. I have read them several times but it’s still not necessarily clear to me which stage she’s in. Especially since it seems like she’s done some of this before. I know this is a long, hard road. I’m just not sure if I’m gonna be up for it, and trying to decide what’s best for me and my children. She’s actually been great with the kids. Overall, of course it’s me that gets all the direct ice, cold and shark eyes.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

First, an answer to your question.

How do go dark on someone I live with and have to co-parent ? I don’t think I can 2+ years like this although it would be nice for my D to graduate HS before our life blows up.
I am most likely too nice …

Yes, you are too nice and you don't live with your wife- you exist with your wife. I don't have much expertise in anything, but in education, if you see a group of three-four year old children playing in a sandbox, they are not playing together, but they are parallel playing. When one tries to get into the space of another, fireworks will erupt. You are in a parallel existence with your wife. If she is a roommate, then treat her like a roommate. You don't have to discuss anything with her. If she asks something about the kids, respond with short concise points and move on. Don't extrapolate what you are doing and don't care what she is doing either. Make your own plans and leave her with the kids. And no, "Let's be friends" isn't going to cut it. That's going dark as much as possible. She has already gone dark on you. Not your job to overcompensate for her lack of participation.

How do you know what stage they are in ?

Watching stages and defining stages is very difficult. One, you really don't know what she is thinking and the characteristics of the stages are found in all of them. For example, depression is a stage, but depression is evident throughout the entire crisis. Nor is the process a linear process. Some start to emerge and go right back to replay. It's very confusing and truly in the end; it's her life and her choices.

I know this is a long, hard road. I’m just not sure if I’m gonna be up for it, and trying to decide what’s best for me and my children.

You have already persevered through one long journey and that was her affair eleven years ago. You posted that it was repaired. What if she never fully repaired and that now faces the same issues that led to the affair eleven years ago just erupted again. You may be correct that she now sees the children as grown and her role as a mother much diminished. I am not a professional in any extent, but there seems to be some form of depression in your wife's life that has been ongoing for many years.

Which brings me to the dynamic of the mother/daughter relationship. You wrote that her mother is a nasty person. What is the relationship between your wife and her mother? This is interesting because your wife describes her relationship with her own daughter as being very close and that they are inseparable.
Just know that their are a lot of complexities in the relationships and this all plays into your wife's current mindset and beliefs. It  seems that her own doubts about her identity and self have been ongoing for many years and this latest outburst is of many outbursts that have occurred throughout her life. This one is just the biggest in terms of your marriage.

You describe that you are close with the stepfather and yet you see her mother as a mean spirited person. Could part of your bond be that each of you love a difficult person?

I don't think your questioning of being "up for it" deals with just this crisis, but instead a weariness of dealing with another (yet again) crisis and how it impacts your own psyche.

The bottom line becomes what does Lost want? What does Lost need? I am asking these questions because I think you need to focus on your own mental health and how all of this impacts you. 

Have an awesome day,

(((Ready)))

[lost88]

Yeah - her mom is difficult and her parents divorced.
Her step dad is a wonderful person, but wasn’t around much when my wife still lived at home. She and her brother have major issue with their mom. She’s just not a nice person and is nasty and fights with everyone. She’s very narcissistic and my wife moved out when she was 17. I don’t believe they had seen each other in quite some time, not even on the holidays until we started dating and getting serious. She then brought me around them, because it was obvious that we would end up being a family someday. Everyone argues with her mom at some point if they’re around her long enough because she’s just not a nice person.  And my father-in-law most likely won’t divorce her because of financial terms. He lives an extremely active life going to parties social clubs events. He’s active in the church the rotary club. It’s sad because he does everything by himself because she no longer will socialize, but he seems OK with it.  They function at least for them but they do spend a lot of time apart which I don’t think neither one of them mind. They also haven’t slept in the same bed for decades, so they are cohabitating if you will. We had a bit of an eruption today and she told me she’s no longer attracted to me and wants to get to summer before she moves out. she says she doesn’t like to be home because I’m here and doesn’t want to have any interactions other than speaking about the children. Once again, she says I’ve been a wonderful husband and a great father but she’s put me in the friend zone a long time ago and that’s where I’m going to be. She has told me that I deserve to find someone that loves me the way I love her and she wants to find her own happiness as well. I’m not sure exactly what I need but I’m amazed at the people that live in limbo for years and wait for someone to return when the odds seem on realistically low that it’ll ever work out. Well, today’s conversation was difficult. I did gain some clarity, and if she decides to make her decision and move forward, then I have no decision left in my opinion. I actually once processing it all, felt a little better about it even though my daughter will side with her because they’re bond is so close and my son leaves for college next year. It’s amazing that three months ago I felt everything was wonderful less than a year from now I’ll be likely living by myself again. I truly love my wife and would hope things could work out and maybe I’m believing too much of what she’s telling me as truth and not part of her midlife crisis but it sure does come across as being sincere. Today while we had this discussion was the first time that we had a talk, where I did not see the shark eyes And a completely blank face. That’s concerning to me since it shows she wasn’t necessarily in her mode.

I’ve told a friend of mine who has kept up on this with me as a support system that I feel like I’m gonna runaway train like you see in the cartoons and I’m hanging by one arm in the last train or the caboose as we go around turns that I don’t know we’re coming
I guess we’ll see how this plays out but at this point I have very little hope and maybe that’s for the best
Tks for the response !