[Anoi]

I guess it's easier when you know that it's MLC and not something else.. i read other stories and people have doubts, well, i don't.
I had a very good day, went forward with my drivers license process and out of a sudden for me ( though i did use the app to prepare) passed the theory exam on the first try, which was 15 minutes after i got the right to pass this exam, lol:) I was smiling and proud of myself.
I do most of my meetings/thing i need to do in life on my own. I don't ask my husband to drive me somewhere or help me if it's not absolutely necessary. I know, for most people it their everyday life, but for me it's a huge change:) and you know.. i am fine with it, starting to get a taste of it in a way.
My job search for now doesn't bring the same positive results as my other ways of GAL, but it's been 2 and half weeks so i guess it's fine:)
I see some action from my MLCer that make me feel like he is responding a bit to my positive behavior and changes in me since I've been back. Some simple nice everyday gestures, nothing major, but it's better this way.
The other day he was monstering about his friend, so much anger in him towards anything and anyone who doesn't acr the way he wants.
As i get my drivers license we are finally on the topic of buying new car for him, lol, it's not gonna be red or anything super expensive, but yeah, i had my share of laughter:)))
I am totally fine with this plan, cause i get our current car, which is a nice one.
Having some trouble doing everything i need to do at the same time, seems to be too much on my plate, but i try to keep up.
Is there any topics you can recommend to read for at home MLCer? Maybe some articles? For now it's this way, so i would like any advice and experience of others.
I agree with those who think that this is not an ideal scenario, but for now it's that one and i need some good advice on how to handle this type of insanity.
Lol, every time i am asked what is going on with my marriage and him and his decisions and actions i can't explain without the feeling that i talk about something completely inadequate. There is no reasonable explanation for MLC behavior and response of LBS to this behavior. I mean reasonable for ppl who never encountered MLC.

[UrsaMajor]

Lol, every time i am asked what is going on with my marriage and him and his decisions and actions i can't explain without the feeling that i talk about something completely inadequate. There is no reasonable explanation for MLC behavior and response of LBS to this behavior. I mean reasonable for ppl who never encountered MLC.

That is why FakeBook invented the Relationship status "It's complicated."

[Anoi]

Lol, every time i am asked what is going on with my marriage and him and his decisions and actions i can't explain without the feeling that i talk about something completely inadequate. There is no reasonable explanation for MLC behavior and response of LBS to this behavior. I mean reasonable for ppl who never encountered MLC.

That is why FakeBook invented the Relationship status "It's complicated."

Well they should add "it's inadequate" Because adter all is it really that complicated? We are here and we talk about how it is scripted and how many similarities we see in their behavior and the goal we set to ourselves is to detache and become a whole person again, with or without them.
Not as complicated, just hard:)
I am planning a weekend trip with me, myself and I. Have two places to choose from. I need to breathe some fresh air while i am still jobless and not that busy. Looking forward, will be good time;)

[Happylight]

Taking a trip by myself is something that I would like to do.  I have rarely taken any time to do anything for myself or go anywhere and the one weekend I go for a work conference (like the 3rd time ever in 23 years), I return and can tell something is OFF, and then 3 days later, bomb drop and all hell breaks loose.  Now, I feel frozen.  I know the conference didn't cause it, but I feel like I have PTSD in regards to going somewhere on my own.

[Anoi]

Taking a trip by myself is something that I would like to do.  I have rarely taken any time to do anything for myself or go anywhere and the one weekend I go for a work conference (like the 3rd time ever in 23 years), I return and can tell something is OFF, and then 3 days later, bomb drop and all hell breaks loose.  Now, I feel frozen.  I know the conference didn't cause it, but I feel like I have PTSD in regards to going somewhere on my own.

Yeah, i can understand it, i am learning to drive again and for me it wasn't the best experience before, so i felt frozen for years on this topic, but BD ended my marriage, ended the wonderful life i had and i survived and i understand that now i just have to do the stuff that makes me scared or uncomfortable, or i will never actually get past it and face the reality, that life is different and i can live it and find my way forward to happiness.

[Anoi]

Well, i had another wonderful talk with my H.
I thought i will get much more hurt with it, because he is deep in his EA, plus having a depression cause things don't go his way.
As i returned he started to blame his lack of action in his own path on me again. Which is no surprise. This time though i had some solid proof that i didn’t in any way stop him from living his life to the fullest the way he wants to do it. Thanks to my dedication on GAL he ended up going in the old family dynamic, not me.
That is always fun to see how the things you read about turn into scripted scenarios in your MLCer. He is doing it by the book, "for dummies" version in particular.
The little new chapter is that he started terribly monstering about one of his friends. I never liked the guy, though he visits our home and we have okey relationship. Doesn't matter, the fact is he is an old friend and he is the new target of rage, for things he was doing since the very start of their friendship probably. If before he was a soulmate with interesting opinions and vision, now he is a stubborn stupid and non negotiable. He didn't change a bit actually, my H did though and now in escape and avoid not only with me, but with this friend too.
The whole childhood trauma also resurfaced with so much rage, he actually screamed at his dead mom. Like she was in the room.
All of our marriage he did everything to turn our relationship into the only disfunctional family he knew and now got to his most glorious result - living under the same roof and being separately miserable and unhappy. I tried to very gently point it to him, but he didn't understand what i was talking about, so i stopped, not the the time, unfortunately he doesn't see it for now.
After failing to put all the blame on me, he opened that several things happened during my absence and it got him to that openly depressed state that he is in. Didn't say which things and i didn't push for it.
Blames himself for the fact, that he didn't need to write to me and such. Pretty much blames himself for not loving me the way he should. It's not remorse, just guilt, so i didn't validate it.
By the end of our conversation he decided to give another shot to his self imagined way of "being better person", which even he admitted is not real decision cause it can change tomorrow or in a week.
He is describing a constant fight in his brain about everything in his life, all of that during being very heartbroken because yet another time in his life he is in a situation of unrequited love and back to his old patterns of self destruction. He thinks it's a "real" him. Well, after all, except for the time of our marriage he is actually right, it is real him.
I have my theory that this crisis is his opportunity to finally stop pursuing different goals in life that he can't achieve and find the balance between his wishful thinking and harsh reality.
But it's his path and i realize very well i can't do anything about it. I talk to him about it so that he at least hears himself talking, the worst thing that is happening right now is that he doesn't share with Anyone. Except me and only because i know how to get him into sharing state. He has friends, he has this EA that he loves so much, but if before he shared his thoughts and frustrations with her, which was convenient for him cause it was "all my fault" and she tried to "help" him by encouraging to destroy his marriage, now he is in such deep sh!!t on so many levels that he can't share even with her.
I think it's a very alone place to be, where he is and i can listen and be there for him at least that way.
I am trying my best to share some details here, cause it helps me when i read others, when they describe what is going on in their MLCers and i hope some of insights into my H head mess will help someone to understand that MLC is not something pleasant and awesome for the MLCer and at the same time it's in no way LBS fault.

Well lets finish on the good note! They promise snow on Sunday where i will be, i will be looking from the warm pool at falling snowflakes, Yay! Oh that is gonna be Awesome!!!
 And monday i have my first "friend date", i wrote to many ppl and finally got one who answered and is ready to give it a try:)

[Anoi]

Had a very nice evening with the lady who as me searching for friends! Super cool lady and i hope to see her again soon.
I guess i want to monster and vent a bit about my H, cause as soon as i thought i was making some progress in terms of detachment and went to have a relaxing weekend, my head pulled me back in. Instead of feeling stable and concentrated on myself i spent quite some time having enraged disputes and conversation in my head with my H.
I am civilized and respectful when i am around him, but inside i am so offended, so hurt and i have so much anger towards him... I don't like it, don't like those feelings, they don't add anything positive in my life or in my emotional stability.
As of this moment i am 100% disappointed in him. I mean one thing is to put up with all his BS, when he at least gives back some love and appreciation.
But him saying he has very high standards for him and anyone around him, when he never met even a minimal standards of anyone actually, omg, i mean the EGO!
Yes i fail here and there, make mistakes, stumble, fall, cry, but i am moving forward. He is just sitting on his ass, becoming worse and worse and talking about how he is amazing and his high standards.
I talked with one of his friends and honestly he doesn't give much of care to what is going on with my H. Another friend he hates. I will soon see the 3d friend and i am sure i will learn once more that my H is not the best friend. But he thinks that he is very nice person cause everyone just put up with his BS.
He had a burst of energy for one day after our talk, did some things around the house, but now he is back in front of the monitor, lifeless and useless.
Why do i even care? Why do i live with the person who claims to hate himself, but actually thrives in completely unfounded high self-esteem and just keeps hurting everyone around him?
So many whys and resentment, so few answers...
Just need to vent... just need to wake up in the morning and do one more step forward, after all i am doing good!:)

[Anoi]

Today he saw me crying, wasn't my fault though, i just couldn't stop after visiting my psychiatrist. She has that attitude of move on, and i did a little riot, cause really i don't want to move on, i don't want the divorce, i don't want that independent life and all that bs, if i wanted it, i would do ot in the first place. So i cried and told that i will still do it, but i know it will not make me happier.
So H said " Do you want to share?" and i said no...
He said " I am here if you would like to share" and i just looked in the car window and tried to calm down for 20 minutes or so and then just started talking about other stuff.
What good would it do if i would share?
You ruined my life, you broke my heart and you treat me like shi... yeah, i don't think this type of sharing would help me to calm down.
I guess it's a week of my broken heart and my anger and resentment. I took good 10 minutes in the morning to say hi and i didn't hug him good night for the first time, just rubbed a little bit on the hand like he does. It hurts tremendously - that lack of physical contact, but he is accepting my hugs, not participating and it humiliates me every time. Well this week.
And i hate hate hate all those who says that i should divorce him and him who thinks that, though not saying for now. They don't know, he doesn't know too. I know. We had a good marriage, we were happy.
We can be happy again if he pulls his head out of lalala land.
Anyway, this is just another day, another step, another bs and it will pass too.

[Anoi]

He is so afraid of any confrontation he can't fire someone who's been "helping" with his parents house.
So when it comes to divorce or trying to kick me out again, ofc he can't say it. He can only discuss it with his EA and she puches him to do it, to take action, though she doesn't want to be with him, apparently just trying to be a "good friend"... Well, she brings nothing but pain to both of us and he can't see it and will not see it.
Just an observation... of a catastrophe that is my life.

[KayDee]

He is so afraid of any confrontation he can't fire someone who's been "helping" with his parents house.

Yes, this is familiar. This, I guess, is what very avoidant people could address to make their lives more fulfilling. In that they can express their needs, without fear, and hopefully get some of those needs met. This is not your fault. You did not make an avoidant man. You probably kept him on a even keel for a long time.

As to you psychiatrist telling you to 'move on' - is this the right person to support you at this time? Someone (not a psychiatrist) said that to me, very early on, and I felt, well, insulted. Yes, I am able to move. And I move at my own pace. Too soon for these words, there's no magic bullet. Yes to not ruminating and wallowing (if possible) but also yes to finding a calm centre focused on one's self for as long as is needed. You are doing so well Anoi - your strength is obvious in your posts.