[Lostinthewoods]

Hi team,
Just Journaling
Story so far:

H -43 me - 43
BD march 2020
OW from September 2019
Knew abt OW : March 2020
2 sons:  16y and 10y
T 23 years
Married 18
He left home multiple times to stay away from us.
Sept 2020 back in Oct 2020
Left after 2weeks back in Dec 2020
Left on the 1st week of Jan 2021 back in March
Left after a few weeks came back in Oct
Stayed for a month all of us went to the farm
Dropped us iback n Jan 2023 and left
Came back in March ( sons birthday)
Left in a few weeks
Came back in July for purely financial discussion left in a few days
Went to Philippines in August on return went straight to the farm (oct)
Came home October
His mom diagnosed with cancer, look care of her so well
He stayed till August
Went to Philippines business trip
Inspite of me asking him not to meet her , he was in touch ( physically too)
Came back Nov 23
Has been home since then but we.have a cold war going on

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11840.0

[Lostinthewoods]

I had typed in so much , hit the back button and all that I had typed in vanished
Thank you FW for the encouragement. I try hard to think of him as a grumpy aunt like how french husband suggested , most of the times I am able to but on some days it gets to me. Thank you FH for your love.
I have gone through all your thread S&D , so many similarities yet so many differences.
Thank you Madluv for the insight
My question is is it even worth being with these people suffering so much and with so much pain?
I want to totally let go as in not suffer anymore.
I do not want to stand unconditionally, I don't want anyone else I just want to be happy without any trauma.
This is mental harassment for me, and does not seem to impact him at all.
So some updates
1. He has stopped pretending in front of family too.
2. He gave me a big chocolate bar for our anniversary he did not wish me, and I didn't wish too,  just thanked him for the chocolate and went about my business.
Yday we had a fight started with something silly, he started shouting at my younger son I stepped in , he wanted to shut me off and in the process hit my eye.
My elder son intervened
Conversation
S - did you hit mummy?
H - no
S asks the younger one, and he says yes
S - why did you abuse her
H - if I am abusive you'll do whatever you want to do , do what is right for you'll  ( as in I must separate or apply for divorce)
Now lots of exchange happened. Elder one asked me to leave
Summary of their convo
Why did you abuse mumma he gives some excuse and repeats the same thing.my son asks him if he wants to change , he keeps repeating that this is who he is.
S specifically asks about the OW he Says yes I screwed up but I am not doing it now , I am involved in her life to make it better
S asks him to tell me , he dies not say anything
He says trust is lost , he cannot build it back wants to be my best friend , that he will no commit, I came back and called him out on his lies, he says he does not love me , he is here because he wants to. He could have chosen to leave but has not left.
Once during the fight he threatened to leave. I stood firm and asked him to leave and not to threaten .
There was so much more , I am not able to pen it down because deep down it hurts so much. There is no proper healing.
I am not able to watch from a distance.
We are building a house together.
He thinks only physical abuse is abuse , silent treatments , ignoring me is not counted.
He says he has a responsibility towards her , I asked him where was his sense of responsibility when he cheated on me. He just kept mum and did not answer any of my questions.

[Lostinthewoods]

My son drove some hard truth darts. I don't know if he realises,  he was drunk.
He said he will be here till he is useful and disappear if he feels he is not needed

[Dragonfly33]

Lost, I always believe if there physical abused involved, standing is not a question anymore. I think I remember in one of your threads you mentioned your husband used to hit you. Obviously, he is still doing that even in front pf yöur child. You should protect yourself and your children first. Protect means remove yourselves from that toxic situation. Either you move out or your h should move it.

[UrsaMajor]

Lost,

OK, time to break out the 2x4. If your H hit you, all bets are off and the time to show him the door is here. Physical abuse is an absolute NO-GO in any situation. I don't care if he was drinking/drunk or not. One NEVER lays hands on their partner for ANY reason unless their partner is going to physically harm themselves (i. e. suicide) or in self-defense (the LBS is being physically attacked and needs to defend themselves).

What needs to happen in order for you to make that choice?

MLCH has violated a sacred trust and boundary here. What are the consequences for such a violation?

MLCH does NOT get a free pass because he had been drinking either. That was HIS CHOICE to dive into the bottle.

The bottom line is, like Dragonfly said, it is time to set him on the porch and lock the door behind him. Abusers do NOT get to stay in the house until they feel they are no longer needed. With the first hit, they are no longer needed. Period.

[Biscuit]

I agree Ursa, as a past victim of domestic abuse (not by my MLCer, I hasten to add - else there's no way I'd be standing) - it's time to call time on your H. There is never an excuse for such behaviour and you need to physically distance yourself from your H for your safety and that of your children. Unfortunately once this boundary is broken it invariably gets worse for the person(s) being abused.

[Treasur]

I agree with the other posters here.
It is much easier to see abuse clearly from the cheap seats.
Evidently your h does not consider a punch in the face to be abuse either.
But your sons do. And so should you.

I don’t know if he has always been abusive, disrespectful and controlling towards you. Or physically violent. But, in a way, it doesn’t matter bc he is now. And all any of us can do is deal with where we are right now.

I think tbh reaching a point where you yourself can call it what it is to yourself is the necessary first step. Way before figuring out what you are going to do to protect yourself and your sons from it. And if that was straightforward, no one would ever live in an abusive relationship for more than 5 minutes, would they?

Which is why I am going to strongly encourage you to reach out and find a DV charity or agency where you live so you can talk confidentially to someone who gets it, who knows the patterns of it and can help you figure out how to safely move away from it. Bc abuse is about control at its heart, and moving away from it threatens that need for control sometimes, so you need a safe route out. Or a safe way to get him out and not let him back in. And talking to someone who lives where you live, understands the culture and legal issues where you live, will also allow you to talk in much more detail than you might do here. Some challenges in life need a village imho.

But when your h tells you and your sons that ‘this is who he is’ and that ‘you should all do what is right for you’, imho you should believe him.

You can stand if you want, although you may just as reasonably decide not to, but stand in a safe space far far away from this kind of abuse.

[Nas]

I’m very sorry for the pain you’re feeling and for the turmoil your family is experiencing. I’m going to say some hard truths may not be pleasant to hear. (I haven’t read back through all of your posts so I apologize, but I do believe I have enough information just simply from your most recent post. And as always, I’m just a stranger on the Internet, just saying some things that I hope will help, either now or in the future. )
The way you described him hitting your eye, the language struck me, the way it wasn’t really described, “it could’ve been an accident” or it was just something that happened in the course of other things happening. Sort of unconsciously minimized, that was familiar to me.
It wasn’t nothing, and he’s done it before. Not an accident or the results of being drunk; it’s a pattern. It’s who he is. (Again, I know I don’t know you, or him, and you are the only one who knows your entire story, so maybe using such definitive language sounds presumptuous on my part, but I’m willing to risk that here.)

The way that you describe your children asking “why did you abuse Mom” is chilling to me. The almost casual use of “Abuse” as just a word, sounds like it’s normalized, like it’s something that isn’t good, but it’s also something that happens.
For most people being abused, abuse becomes something other than absolutely appalling, shocking and disgusting. It becomes ingrained into life. The longer it goes on (and often the worse it becomes) the more it becomes something that can be explained. There’s always a “reason” that other people just wouldn’t understand because they don’t know all the details.

Details are moot in abuse. The “cause” never warrants the effect. Ever. This is not your fault. He has a problem that is close to unfixable (again, I may sound alarmist to you but I’m okay with that because his behavior is alarming). Your husband is not going to walk through a metaphorical MLC tunnel and come out the other side ceasing to be abusive. He’s abusive. Maybe he is also in MLC but that doesn’t matter because he’s abusive. He needs more than time to look within himself to stop being abusive. He is not going to have an epiphany and change out of the blue.

I don’t know if you are currently in therapy, but if not, I would strongly encourage you to do so, and also for your sons. Don’t underestimate what you all have already internalized to this point. He doesn’t deserve to have such a hold over you. Set yourself free because, trust me, with an abusive person, even if they vanish, they will never set you free, you have to do it for yourself.
Everyone here is rooting for you, please take care of yourself.
xx
Nas

[Lostinthewoods]

Hi Everyone, 
Thank you so much for your concern. Yes I understand what you all have said here. While I understand NOW that  physical abuse should have been called out at the first instance ( which I failed).
Why did I not call it out ?  It was not an everyday affair or something he did regularly,  in these 25yrs we've been together he has done this very rarely maybe 5 or 6 times ( except for the first 6m after BD when it was almost everyday)
I know I can see some of you fuming , some rolling some even exasperated.
I now understand that this is not healthy and do not tolerate it . In fact I  asked him to leave, but he is still here( i know he will leave soon , I can feel it.) He knows now that he cannot ever repeat it. He knows it is a hard hard boundary now. Earlier I have not really laid it as a boundary because I  thought the frequency could not be termed as abusive. I had heard much worse stories. Only after counselling and talking to friends did I understand it was not ok( I have never discussed what happens at home to anyone, not a soul) I thought we had to resolve our problems within the four walls of our house .

There is so much uncertainty.
The kids love him and still want their dad. Since the last fight the environment in the house is so uncomfortable and heavy.

Let me tell you how he behaves now:
He has stopped doing anything in the house
He does not speak to any of us , even to the little one, he used to talk to him a lot.
Even if there is something to say he does not look into our eyes or for that matter in our direction at all.
On the recent fight day I trued to push him away as he was towering over my son and intimidating him. My elder one says I should not have done that.
Will journal later.

[Treasur]

Please don’t feel ashamed or as if anyone here is rolling their eyes. It isn’t your shame to carry, it’s his. And every single LBS here, every one of us, at least for a little while, tolerated some kind of abusive behaviour from our spouse that we never imagined we would.

Well done you though for reaching a point where you laid down that line in the sand.

I am sorry for the heaviness in your house. I hope you are right and he leaves soon - then all you will need to do is decide how you will prevent him from coming back, or this version of him anyway. I suspect you and your kids will be surprised by just how much easier and lighter your home feels when he goes.