[Lostinthewoods]

Yes it is normal. Crying in some cases can help regulate your nervous system.
The anxiety will abate once you aren't around him anymore.
Have you tried Magnesium?
It will help soothe your nerves and aid with sleep.

Thank you for the reassurement Reinventing and init, I was almost thinking that I was weak and slow in the recovery,  even few of my close allies think I am not moving forward, I guess unless one has been in this painful world of betrayal (mlc or otherwise) it is difficult for them to understand what we go through,  we heal no doubt, not linearly (not when you have someone coming and going and pretending to do better) .
 healing a painfully slow process but not impossible.
I want to tell him how he is upsetting my younger one. The old me would have, while I hurt for my son, I don't feel like having any meaningful conversation with the mlcer even for my child.
I want to be left alone. Just want to see my children do ok for themselves.
I am praying hard. Please pray for my children

[Lostinthewoods]

https://youtu.be/NU9P41Vifec?feature=shared

Found this link thought it was helpful so sharing here.
Innit - I will talk to a doctor about Magnesium,  thank you

[in it]

Yes her YouTube channel can be helpful.

[Lostinthewoods]

Journaling
In these uncertain times I feel a little worried about my work. My boss and the super boss have quit so the known comfort at work will not be there for too long.
But I have been promoted to the next band so I'm happy.
Mlcer calls once a week on some pretext. I just keep the conversations cordial. We talk a lot about the house. He tells me everything he does there.
Something different happened the other day  while we were talking the call got disconnected, I called back as we were discussing some important finances. After a while the call disconnected again. He calls back and says "sorry that was me" Something new in many years.
He addresses me as his wife in any relevant conversation with me or the kids. Has not done this since BD. He seems comfortable doing it.
Earlier he hated it.
In fact I am supposed to drop my little one and stay with the mlcer, I did tell him I may not be able to come. He was disappointed and asked me why I won't be able to come. Again Something new.
You must be thinking here she goes. No from reading discussions and reconciliation threads here I know what I need before I can even think of letting my guard down.
Just Journaling For myself and to get your views.
I am just watching from a distance.

[Lostinthewoods]

Journaling,
OK so penning down what is going on in the woods, I am getting stronger emotionally,  spiritually and have made few good good friends who I know now I can rely on and they on me. Was promoted at work. I have started to enjoy the quiet me times as there is no drama on a daily basis. I also sew a little,  I enjoy doing that too.
My MLCER and I were in touch everyday,  he shared everything that was happening with my elder one. We used to have good conversations,  laughed a lot, it was good. There was times when during the course of the conversation I've put my foot down on what I believe in. No more thinking of what he could feel.which upsets him. Still a grown up teenager I would say. He was upset that I put Sone boundaries for my son. He thinks he (son) has to be treated like an adult and allowed to do whatever he thinks is right. I think I am his parent and I have to show the way, whether he follows it is up to him.
He got angry, said he does not want me to use the knowledge I had against my son. I replied do what you want I am this, he said see what I choose and disconnected the call, I did not call back and since then no calls.
My question is if someone tells me something am I supposed to just listen and not do something about specially when it is not ok.
I am not sure what I did wrong.

[Treasur]

Actually from the outside, it’s pretty simple. Not easy, but simple.
You said No. You had a different opinion and were not prepared to change it just bc he said so. You stated a boundary.
And MLC types don’t much like that.

His reaction was to essentially try to bully you into doing what he tells you by withdrawing with silence. Rejecting you until you fall into line.
He’s an abusive bully and that’s what they do.

You did nothing wrong probably (don’t know the details).
You can listen to someone else’s POV and still choose a different opinion while respecting the other person. You know who can’t do that? Bullies who like control and obedience. Weak selfish people who only see their rights and not others equal rights. And immature teenagers, just as you say.

If the issue regarding your son is important to you, shrug your shoulders and ignore him.
You do not need his permission to choose the kind of parent you wish to be.
You did nothing wrong.
Let him stew in his own juices.
Perhaps it’s a good opportunity for you to think about what your plan is now without the distraction of daily contact and nicey-nicey chat?

How are things otherwise?
Any news on the house?

Oh, and congratulations on your promotion!

[OffRoad]

Hi Lost,
Congratulations on being promoted! Well done!

I'm going to ask you some hard questions. What do YOU think you should do or have done? And what kind of boundaries are you trying to put in place for a college age child?

To the first question, it seems to me that you still second guess yourself when it comes to your H's opinion. Why would what your MLCer wants be more important than your own wants? Aren't you a parent, too?

Your MLCer is IMO trying to live vicariously through your S and telling you all about it. Now IMO, it's none of your business what your S is doing unless it is illegal or detrimental to him or affects you. Why is your H even mentioning it? That is majorly dysfunctional. ("Guess what S was doing.....?")

As to the second question, you asked if you are just supposed to listen and not do anything if something is not OK. This depends on what it is. Doing drugs? Your boundary could be if he doesn't stop, you're pulling your funding (or not, you'd have to decide). Staying out late? I'm not sure how you could stop that and it's rarely worth the effort. They figure that out or fail. I do want to be sure you know the difference between boundaries and telling your son what to do as if he were 12 and explaining how something he has done could be detrimental to him.  Explaining how something he has done could be detrimental to him is neither a boundary or telling him what to do as if he were 12 and is perfectly acceptable in all situations. What type of boundaries do you want to /believe you can set? Or do you mean you just want to give advice?

You have agency. You can let your H tell you things then react to those things, let him tell you and do nothing or you can tell him not to tell you.  But he does NOT have the right to tell you not to act on what he tells you. If your son is freebasing and drinking a fifth of Jack Daniel's every night, yes you need to do something. If he played Dungeons and Dragons last Saturday and slept on a friend's floor for just one night, not so much of a big deal. The situation matters.

All JMO. Take anything you can use and throw away the rest.

[Lostinthewoods]

Sorry for the using the wrong word, I meant advise and not boundaries,  it was advise on smoking, alcohol usage and joining some groups.

[Lostinthewoods]

Thank you Treasure and Offroad,
The question,  What did I do wrong was to gain perspective from this group. I wanted to know if i was reacting unreasonably,  maybe if I should work on myself to change behaviours, for personal growth.

The house will take another 2 to 3 months.
The Mlcer was putting in a lot of planning time and effort, and share his ideas and ask for mine, after the day he disconnected the call it's radio silence.

Let me share what happened on that day, it's crazy bonkers
He called after I had spoken to my son seemed to be in a good mood. It was a 3 min conversation
Hi I am looking at your pic( WhatsApp DP)
You look so pretty with the contrast blouse and lipstick.
Me: ok and
Him: what has god done for you
Me I have no energy to argue or talk to you can we talk tomorrow
Him yeah I thought so( must have overheard my conversation with my son)
And then suddenly the rage- I am telling you for the last time, I will not repeat , last time (in a loud angry voice)
You have used what I've told you about me against me, now you ate doing to him.
Listen last time
Me: you choose whatever you want , this is me
Him: see what I'm choosing( disconnects the call)
From pretty to I break up with you in 3 mins
Crazy world, don't want to be him.yuck
Right now focusing on work without having to spend an hour talking to him no need to make an effort to be civil etc.
Like you said it's a lot of me time.

https://youtu.be/_4XHjkWOp3c?feature=shared
I found this video a good resource, hence sharing it here.

[Treasur]

I think, in the interest of personal growth, it’s worth listening to one’s own gut instincts.
I call it the ‘quacks like a duck principle’…if it looks like a duck and sounds like a duck, it’s a pretty good starting assumption.

We all have our own sense of what is normal and reasonable when dealing with other humans. And what is not. But we can lose sight of that when we are interacting with disordered folks.

If you feel confused, it’s usually bc you are dealing with someone who is a) confused, or b) intentionally trying to confuse you, or c) whose idea of normal is very far away from yours (for whatever reason). Imho you don’t need to understand the Why to know if something is normal and reasonable in your eyes or not.

Sounds bonkers to me fwiw. And that kind of explosion of rage is just unpleasant to experience, so I tend to stay far away from people who act like that.

But what really matters is if it seems normal and reasonable to you or not.
And if not, whether you wish to reduce being exposed to it again.

What do you think?