[WHY]

I was just thinking.  3 to upwards of 7 years.  Why not look back to 2017 to see if any of those MLCers are coming out of it around the halfway+ mark here in 2024.

35 pages.  There must nearly be 80-100 stories no?

So what happened to all those MLCers?  I’ve read maybe one recon story. 

Did anyone keep a spreadsheet and log the outcomes for the stories we know about?

I get people don’t always come back and post an update 6+ years later.  Still.   Are the recon rates just so low and that’s why never get updates?  I’m beginning to suspect that’s the case….

[Songanddance]

Are the recon rates just so low and that’s why never get updates?  I’m beginning to suspect that’s the case….

Two things here.  Recon rates are low but that doesn't mean that's why there are no updates. 
Some LBSers on here just feel that they don't want to share anymore.  People who have reconciled rarely post for a whole host of reasons.
Time is often the cause rather than the need or lack of need to post.   
I ve been here for nearly 11 years now and find I only want to update every now and then, and sometimes LBSers who joined the same time as me have vanished.  When I joined my then mentor reconciled 18 months later and disappeared completely.
After a period of time - some people just choose not to post anymore.

Your situation is unique to you.  If you look for the law of averages or % of reconciliations to help you keep your faith in restoring your marriage then it will not help.  In the early days of course such stories give hope to the new LBSer; ultimatelty though it's your growth that will determine your outcome not statistics or stories. 

[WHY]

I just think if people had happy endings.  They would come back to post and give people hope.  Even if 10 years had passed. 

The lack of happy stories leads me to believe there are few.

[marvin4242]

I just think if people had happy endings.  They would come back to post and give people hope.  Even if 10 years had passed. 

The lack of happy stories leads me to believe there are few.

As others have said we may never know the exact numbers. And most of us in the "early days" look for a way to restore what we had. But the truth is (as is always said) what we had is gone, finished, done. It is a very difficult truth and just like grieving a loss we can't take it all in at once. So we find our own path through this. Some will immediately move on, others will try to get footing first then decide. The decision can be anything from moving on, to moving forward while keeping a door open, to setting a deadline for themselves, or decide to not decide.

Having said all this my view has always been this is a MAJOR pscyological event that happens to our MLCers (assuming it is not just a case of someone leaving a marriage). This kind of collapse simply does not "fix itself" with time. So I have never understood this belief that relationships will be restored if you just believe. I can understand and fully believe that IF someone who has had a major fracture engaged fully in a therapeutic process, went to therapy, spent a great deal of effort they can get to a place of integration and healing. And that process depending on the issues and the individual has a broad timeline (usually in 2-10 years). It does not apply to someone who is still actively in denial and avoidance.

So it is not surprising to me that there is no large list of restored marriages. I understand this is a difficult truth, but I have always found we have to live in reality the way it is, not how we wish it to be.

[FrenchHusband]

Hi Why,

For your information I am currently checking the datas of all male LBS with more than 10 posts that are recorded as members. I want to figure out some statistics. Currently I have done almost 25%. There are many stories for which the status is unknown, but I hope I can come back later with some useful results (even with bias).

[WHY]

Hi Why,

For your information I am currently checking the datas of all male LBS with more than 10 posts that are recorded as members. I want to figure out some statistics. Currently I have done almost 25%. There are many stories for which the status is unknown, but I hope I can come back later with some useful results (even with bias).

Amazing thank you.  I’m sure RCR is recording this data for her PHD/book haha.   But as a LBS in the trenches.  It would be helpful to know this kind of stuff.

I genuinely believe that if people reconciled. Or the MLCer wanted to return.   That people that were involved with this forum would return with an update.  Especially the folks that have spent months/years here.    No I suspect the lack of update is genuinely because the LBS has closed the door and moved on. 

[Songanddance]

Since stories of 2016 the following male LBSers who have reconciled are BBhelp and The Navigator

Female LBsers who have reconciled and have listed updated stories 2016 - 2022 are:  Jagger, Acorn, Stayed, Rainbow Gal, Finding Joy, No Expectations, Mermaid, Sada, 31 and Counting, Heart to Heart, Sobeit, Crazy Train, Unbroken, HappierDaysAhead22, Summer Progress, Finding Hope, Hope and Faith, Notgivinguponu, JD, holdinontohope.

There are definitely more before 2016. 

Many of the above don't post anymore but a few do from time to time.

[Biscuit]

And I think there are far more female LBS's on HS than male too, at least it feels that way? Maybe a mod would know?

[Biscuit]

Also S and D's list of reconciled HS posters is a stark reminder that very few LBS's do find their paths forward resulting in reconciliation with their spouse, for whatever reason. Maybe some LBS's don't come back to post, but we all know, and tell each other all the time - the odds are slim - don't count on it as your only way out of this dog $h!te situation. Your way out is to push yourself through the hurt and the pain and discover and love yourself as an individual again (maybe for the first time in your life). 
No matter how you look at the stats - the odds are clearly pretty low for reconciliation. But what are the odds that the LBSer comes through this as a stronger, more self aware and generally better person? I'd like to focus on that actually - because from what I've read and seen on here those odds are stacked way in our favour - in fact there are very few stories of the LBS making it through a year or two and not feeling like they've grown in some way.

[WHY]

Since stories of 2016 the following male LBSers who have reconciled are BBhelp and The Navigator

Female LBsers who have reconciled and have listed updated stories 2016 - 2022 are:  Jagger, Acorn, Stayed, Rainbow Gal, Finding Joy, No Expectations, Mermaid, Sada, 31 and Counting, Heart to Heart, Sobeit, Crazy Train, Unbroken, HappierDaysAhead22, Summer Progress, Finding Hope, Hope and Faith, Notgivinguponu, JD, holdinontohope.

There are definitely more before 2016. 

Many of the above don't post anymore but a few do from time to time.

Thank you for this.  Really.  I’m glad to at least see a few happy endings. 

Interesting that the men don’t return to update as much.   Could be female MLCers are in the wind.  But could also be men just aren’t as chitty chatty with this kind of stuff.  I bet it’s the latter unless RCR has more intel on female MLCers? 

Bottom line.  Reconciliation is so low. 35 pages of stories and a handful of returns.  So many lives destroyed. 

I’m with you on the LBS growing to be bulletproof.   We have the tools to develop coping mechanisms I think.  Sure the first 1-2 years we face the inferno.  But after that our skin turns to armor. At least that’s how I’m starting to feel.   

I just hope for reconnection for coparenting reasons.  Life’s too short to live in the tunnel.  It seems like such a miserable place too.  Like they think they’re choosing this new path to fantasyland.   But honestly from my point of view, it sucks.