[midlifecrisis50]

You mention a YouTube series. Are you from NYC as I may have seen one or two videos? Do you mind sharing it or is that too personal, and if it is please accept my apology.

I am from the state of NY which, when I say "New York" many confuse it for NYC. I was in the middle of the state, near the Syracuse area.

One of the more popular vids was about the feelings of MLC. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TJipLVAsTBA

Another popular one was on how long the crisis lasts. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VvYx8TEG_Zs

I'm sure there might be things I say or wrote that could be taken wrong or even outright tick someone off, so be warned. In the end, take only what helps and leave the rest.

It is interesting to read the comments on various videos of those who were also experiencing an MLC. You can see that most of them DON'T want it! They want their life to go back to what it was before hitting that wall.

[AlvinTheMaker]

Back to shooting questions.....

A common theme with people on MLC seems to be surrounding themself with yes-sayers (and weeding out friends and family who object). How important did you find acceptance of your changed behaviour  during MLC?

Alvin

[Biscuit]

Thanks MC50 for sharing those YouTube clips, and also coming here to HS to share your journey and the wisdom you gained through your experience.
I think for the vast majority of LBSers here their spouses either didn’t want to open up about how the crisis was affecting them or didn’t even acknowledge that they had changed so it’s so refreshing to hear your point of view.
We really value your observations so please continue to post as it is very helpful to have the insight of someone that has gone through this and has an objective point of view on the other side.

[midlifecrisis50]

A common theme with people on MLC seems to be surrounding themself with yes-sayers (and weeding out friends and family who object). How important did you find acceptance of your changed behaviour  during MLC?

Wow! I just watched my vid on relationships in a MLC. I was so intense at that time in my life!

So, How important did I find acceptance? Well, if they couldn’t accept me, or at least try to get to know the “new” me that I was thrusted into, then walk. IDC. That was my stance on it. I didn’t need them to agree with my sh*t necessarily, but I had exactly 0 tolerance for them coming at me about it. I had enough garbage on my plate, I didn’t need that in my life too.

I felt like my family was trying to hammer me into someone I was no longer. I couldn’t be that anymore, most of those attachments were gone and we can’t just make them appear. I can’t make you feel empathy for your enemy nor can you just develop an attachment to teddy bears, just because that would make me feel better about who you are as a person.

As far as surrounding ourselves with yes-sayers: The people we humans attract to us and form relationships with have a lot to do with how we think and act. Therefore, the new relationships we forge during an MLC are people who largely accept our behavior. They are probably NOT people we would have had in our life prior. Now, where are those friendships I formed during my MLC after coming out of it? A few of those friendships I kept while moving most of them out. I was different so we no longer worked together anymore.

Prior to my MLC, and since coming out of it, I value the opinions of others about me. It lets me know if I am indeed the person I want to be - if that is the way others perceive me. So, I value the feedback from others. I don’t think I saw it that way while I was in the thick of my MLC.

[marvin4242]

Wow! I just watched my vid on relationships in a MLC. I was so intense at that time in my life!

I watched a couple of your videos and I wanted to say I feel how much pain you were in during recording of some of your videos. I can't imagine how hard it was. The one thing I notice is that even when you are in that state you still seemed able to observe what was going on inside you. I am guessing that your "observant ego" must have at least helped in some ways and may be part of how you navigated this difficult time.

I am not sure a lot of MLCers have had that valuable skill. It would not have made their experience any easier, but it may have given them some path or a guide to what was going on and how to get out of it. I know my wife was incredibly self aware but once MLC hit her ability to observe what is going on with herself disappeared. In some stories here I have seen that some will actually describe what is going on inside them, and even warn people they care about. But that doesn't really seem to be the norm. As they say there are as many stories of MLC as there are people.

[midlifecrisis50]

I am not sure a lot of MLCers have had that valuable skill. It would not have made their experience any easier, but it may have given them some path or a guide to what was going on and how to get out of it.

When it first hit me, I searched and searched. While I found some stuff to help the spouses, there was nothing for those of us in it. I had so many questions! I then tried to find a blog or something that a MLCer might have put out there so I could somehow learn about what I was facing and be able to connect with others. But almost nothing. Just one 10-minute video.

While some LBSs reached out to me through my channel, there were so many people in a MLC who reached out to me too. They were as lost and confused as I was when I hit mine. They had a ton of questions too and a need to connect with someone in it or past it.

It's really difficult to explain to people what's going on inside since some of it has no language. That makes it extremely difficult to express in words. I just knew I was lost and I had to somehow find my way back...or somewhere. I spent a TON of time going inside that mind I didn't know as well as studying the outside world. Like it was my only hope.

Some don't talk about it because it's unbelievably scary, some don't because there are no words, some don't because they are in denial or avoiding their MLC pretending it didn't happen to them, and some don't because it simply doesn't make any sense even to them.

I knew the conversation needed to be started. Unfortunately, it didn't grow enough to warrant any real studies into it and how to help or prevent it. We don't even know if it's caused by a chemical imbalance. This would make sense to me since it comes on so hard and fast. Maybe I shouldn't have had that last serving!   

[AlvinTheMaker]

So, How important did I find acceptance? Well, if they couldn’t accept me, or at least try to get to know the “new” me that I was thrusted into, then walk. IDC. That was my stance on it. I didn’t need them to agree with my sh*t necessarily, but I had exactly 0 tolerance for them coming at me about it. I had enough garbage on my plate, I didn’t need that in my life too.

Thanks.... So basically the vet advice "avoid pushing, avoid relationship talks etc" would have eased tension when communicating with you.

Not sure if you have read "I am Not Sick I Don't Need Help" by Xavier Amador, but for me that book was game changer on how to communicate when the other party is reluctant or not open.

Alvin

[AlvinTheMaker]

Another question.... Many LBS must undergo  moments where common happy past (say 10-20 years of loving marriage) is blasted to oblivion (we never had loving or joyful moments) regardless of physical proof (photos, letters, families etc). What's your personal take on this "memory loss"?

Did you deny your past, and if so did people around you try to share positive memories and experiences from the past that highlighted your former emotions, traits or behaviors.

Alvin

[FrenchHusband]

Thanks MC50 to come back again to us, it is painful I guess for you to dig in this period of your life. I hope it helps you as it helps us

FrenchHusband
I hope one day the MLC will be known and recognized as it is already the case for the teenage crisis. I believe that will help people under MLC, and that will help also the LBS to focus less on this crisis and more on themselves. I couldn’t agree with you more. When I hit mine, I went looking for information or to be able to connect with someone who was either in one or on the other side. I found very little and of that which I did find, it was for the families and not for one in a MLC.

I started a YouTube channel on my midlife crisis for 2 reasons:
1 – So my family could see that I was ok, or at least alive and wouldn’t worry so much about me.
2 – So anyone in a MLC could connect with someone who also had it and could understand.

I wonder, if we can find a way to help MLC, wouldn’t that also help the families? Maybe prevent their upheaval? I mean, it isn’t even known if there is a chemical imbalance involved with MLC. Most professionals still don’t even believe it is a real thing. How does that help anyone?

Yes i am sure it is worth to testify and try to help people having to deal with MLC. I don't know how it is in the US, but here in France when I check the available vids, I find a lot of validation (it is good to do new things, to change your life, etc  ), or denial (not a big change, the crisis does not exist).
And in the world where we live, a lot of people are benefitting from MLC : lawyers, real estate agencies, salesmen, seduction coaches, fortunetellers, healers...  There are even salesmen who are trained to recognize people under MLC and take advantage from it.

Regarding chemical imbalance, I am not sure that I would like a world where we prevent or fix human behaviour with drugs (not what you write). There are already a lot of "happiness pills". When I think about teenage crisis (my best analogy), thanks God for the main cases it is not "fixed" by medicinal products : teenagers have to "go through". And yes, professional acknowledgement would help a lot !

[WHY]

Well, if they couldn’t accept me, or at least try to get to know the “new” me that I was thrusted into, then walk. IDC. That was my stance on it. I didn’t need them to agree with my sh*t necessarily, but I had exactly 0 tolerance for them coming at me about it. I had enough garbage on my plate, I didn’t need that in my life too.

I watched your "relationships change" video and it scary how these same ideas are common across so many MLCers.  And this is no judgement on you at all.  Believe me, the folks here understand exactly what you went through.  But the way you spoke about your own kids.  And how you would be prepared to move on without them in your life.  For that level of detachment between a mother and her kids....  MLC must be such a massive psychological event to create this detachment.  Us LBS dont stand a chance.

As for your "symptoms of a midlife crisis video".  Amazing how spot on you were to describe it that way across the 3 vids.  You were truly living it I can see the pain in your eyes.  It should really teach us LBS empathy for what our MLCers are going through, even if we're suffering daily mental torture.....  It's not easy on both sides.

One thing I do want to point out.  Its amazing to me the level of self awareness you had when going through this.  I think the vast majority of MLCers flat out deny it and 100% think there is absolutely nothing wrong with them.  I wonder why you were so different.  If it wasnt for the multi year timeline you endured, I would say this feels more like a midlife transition than crisis, even though it was a crisis.

Given how self aware you were, do you think other MLCers could benefit from talking to you while in their crisis?  It didnt sound from your vids that anyone or anything or any act of god would have changed your chosen path.  You were going to do what you were going to do. 

But do you think MLCers could be taught to understand that the LBS is not satan and that there is a way for them to go on their path without inflicting maximum torture and pain?  I really do not understand the need to twist the knife when the LBS is already decimated.