[in it]

Well it sounds like all that cockiness and arrogance got magnified.
We all have flaws and toxic traits
However there needs to be a limit of what you put up with. You can only be so kind, caring, go -with- the- flow and patient. You teach people how to treat you.
Boundaries

I think you dodged a bullet not marrying him.

[Treasur]

We are all very sorry that this has happened to you. Right now, you are still in love with the man you knew and nothing we can say can ease that heartbreak. If we could, we would, bc we have all been there.

You don’t say how old you are? In your 30s? Without diminishing how you feel right now, or the seriousness of your commitment to the relationship, there are some blessings. As in it said, you are not navigating this through the rubble of children or decades of a legally entwined life. Right now, that’s not going to feel like much comfort but in time you will see that it is.

I don’t know if your partner is an MLC situation or just an unfolding of poor character. Hell, I’m not even sure about my own xh, so I’m in no position to judge your situation lol! Each LBS here tends to need a good chunk of time to work that out for themselves. What I will say though is, regardless of that, the medicine is much the same…..accept current realities as they are, lick your wounds, step far away from things that cause you any more damage and step towards things that make you feel even 1% better as long as they don’t create more chaos for you or anyone else. Breathe. Take your time. Do nothing reactively bc feelings are not fixed. Be kind to yourself. And let yourself get to the point when you can get in your bones two simple things….that his actions, MLC or not, are about who he is not who you are….and that there are limits to what any of us can control or influence wrt others, and thus what we should hold ourselves responsible for.

[in it]

It's also pretty normal to remember good times and romanticize the relationship at this point for you.

What you need to come to terms with now is you want someone more honest than he is. Someone who has some morals and character. Raise your standards.
And no this was not a mature normal break up.

I've read that at the end of a relationship is who they really are.

[Greenacre]

So, I can't really call her the OW as she only came to light around 4 months after BD but I'm not completely convinced there wasn't some overlap as she had been working at our hospital as a junior doctor for the last five years.

Anyways, I've never met, spoken to, or interacted with this woman before in my life. He is 45 years old, Shea's 27.  This relationship seems to have developed at rapid pace. He’s practically moved her into our old apartment and has whisked her off to Italy on some hugely expensive trip visiting Michelin starred restaurants (ironically this is exactly how we spent our last holiday)

She’s exhibiting really odd behaviour online and I wondered if this was a ‘thing’ that the new woman often does? Basically, she keeps flipping her social media profiles from private to public on IG and whenever she does this it’s because she’s posted a ‘story’ which I presume she wants someone who doesn’t follow her to view (I’ve never viewed them but for some reason I imagine they are for me)

Also, she has now randomly blocked me on fb even though we have never interacted and are not ‘friends’

What on earth is going on?? Just as a disclaimer……I’m not stalking this woman, I had a peek ONCE out of curiosity at her profiles so she’ appears in my search list so it’s only via this I’ve noticed that she’s doing this.  The other creepy thing is that she is now interacting with posts online with a man I have been (very) casually dating.

I’ve a feeling not all is perhaps as shiny and happy as is made out on SM - that said, my ex is very narcissistic and perhaps is bringing my name up a lot and that’s what’s causing her to do this? I just don’t know?  I could block her back but I don’t even want to give her the validation of me doing that and I’m just continuing to ignore her.

[UrsaMajor]

Hi Greenacre,

I have merged your two threads into this one. Please stay with a single thread until you reach 150 posts and then start a new one. Otherwise it is a nightmare to maintain the forum.

As for OW, you may wish to block her to keep her form knowing what is going on in YOUR life. After all, 1) it is none of her business, and 2) she may have been involved as the OW beforehand and you don't need that extra toxicity in your life, do you?

UM

[Greenacre]

Hi Greenacre,

I have merged your two threads into this one. Please stay with a single thread until you reach 150 posts and then start a new one. Otherwise it is a nightmare to maintain the forum.

As for OW, you may wish to block her to keep her form knowing what is going on in YOUR life. After all, 1) it is none of her business, and 2) she may have been involved as the OW beforehand and you don't need that extra toxicity in your life, do you?

UM

Thanks UM - sorry I was unaware of the 150 post rule…..

I can see where you’re coming from RE blocking her but part of me doesn’t want to give her ANY kind of reaction - which if I block her kind of is?

I don’t know why she’s started creeping around online and it’s clear as day she keeps making her SM public in the hopes I will go snooping and see it. It all sounds a bit like she’s getting a bit paranoid/insecure maybe? I’m sorry to say it but I hope she is!

[Nas]

An idea I had to let go of really early on, when the pain was really raw, was that the OW, or anyone, was doing anything for my benefit. Meaning the things that other people do, they’re not doing them with us in mind. And sometimes in our pain, we tell ourselves that they are because it keeps us attached and connected to the situation, it keeps hope alive that maybe there is some kind of extenuating circumstance that is going to lead to the situation swinging in our favor. Whatever she’s doing on her social media, she has no idea if you are even looking. And the only reason you know she’s doing it is because you’re looking.

I’m so sorry and I know this is so hard, but Ursa is right, continuing to look will only hurt you in the end. The stories we tell ourselves often come from anxiety and fear - fear of loss, but what we fear losing is already lost. Detachment means accepting that loss as reality and moving forward. You can certainly keep hope because who knows what the future holds, but live your life for yourself, with your eyes on your own future and not on her present. You have to focus on your own reality because that’s all we have, and you can’t see her (or anyone’s) reality from your outside perspective, and especially not through the lens of social media.

[Greenacre]

An idea I had to let go of really early on, when the pain was really raw, was that the OW, or anyone, was doing anything for my benefit. Meaning the things that other people do, they’re not doing them with us in mind. And sometimes in our pain, we tell ourselves that they are because it keeps us attached and connected to the situation, it keeps hope alive that maybe there is some kind of extenuating circumstance that is going to lead to the situation swinging in our favor. Whatever she’s doing on her social media, she has no idea if you are even looking. And the only reason you know she’s doing it is because you’re looking.

I’m so sorry and I know this is so hard, but Ursa is right, continuing to look will only hurt you in the end. The stories we tell ourselves often come from anxiety and fear - fear of loss, but what we fear losing is already lost. Detachment means accepting that loss as reality and moving forward. You can certainly keep hope because who knows what the future holds, but live your life for yourself, with your eyes on your own future and not on her present. You have to focus on your own reality because that’s all we have, and you can’t see her (or anyone’s) reality from your outside perspective, and especially not through the lens of social media.

Thankyou Nas. Oh I know the behaviours were defintely for me……there was no reason to block me on Facebook when we have never interacted and over on IG she has started interacting with posts the guy I have started casually dating which she has never done in the past - it’s very creepy and childish. I’m not looking at what she’s up to anymore -if she is as childish and as ‘psycho’ as people have told me I’m sure she’ll make her own rope to hang herself with.

I’m very much trying to detach and move forward even if it is difficult and like you say, keep a small bit of hope as who knows what will happen in the future

[Treasur]

Perhaps you are inadvertently looking at the question from the wrong end?

You know those kind of strangers who occasionally pop up as a FB friend request - a handsome ex Navy Seal now heart surgeon called Brad who bizarrely wants to be your friend but seems to have no other friends in his profile lol? I imagine you would block him in a heartbeat without giving ‘Brad’s’ feelings or intentions a moments thought, right? Bc it is protecting yourself from people of bad intent you do not know in RL who might get a window on your life?

I’d suggest that this is much more like that.
Block her on all social media in those moments when she changes her settings so you can do so.
You already know this person does not have good intent towards you and that it serves no beneficial purpose for you to leave an open window on your life for her.

She’s just a ‘Brad’….. and her reasons for doing what she’s doing are not your circus surely. Anything else is inadvertently being drawn into the BS Sandpit of Mindf**kery imho. And no sane healthy person wants to play in that sandpit

[Greenacre]

Perhaps you are inadvertently looking at the question from the wrong end?

You know those kind of strangers who occasionally pop up as a FB friend request - a handsome ex Navy Seal now heart surgeon called Brad who bizarrely wants to be your friend but seems to have no other friends in his profile lol? I imagine you would block him in a heartbeat without giving ‘Brad’s’ feelings or intentions a moments thought, right? Bc it is protecting yourself from people of bad intent you do not know in RL who might get a window on your life?

I’d suggest that this is much more like that.
Block her on all social media in those moments when she changes her settings so you can do so.
You already know this person does not have good intent towards you and that it serves no beneficial purpose for you to leave an open window on your life for her.

She’s just a ‘Brad’….. and her reasons for doing what she’s doing are not your circus surely. Anything else is inadvertently being drawn into the BS Sandpit of Mindf**kery imho. And no sane healthy person wants to play in that sandpit

I understand where you’re coming from and honestly it is by far the healthiest way of looking at things but I know that by even blocking her it will give her ‘airtime’. It’s something I don’t want to do given her behaviour. I’m tough enough to sit it out *I think*

The thing I have been struggling with is how to give up ‘hope’?
How do you let go of ‘hope’? It’s coming up to 12 months BD this next week and I thought I was doing great, and in so many ways I really am - sometimes I feel like the strongest woman in the world but other times I crash and realise ‘hope’ is something I still haven’t let go of.

We’re in complete NC bar the times he occasionally sees me at work and basically blanks me/jumps into the nearest broom cupboard……he’s still apparently with the 27 year old and “happy”. Moving jobs absolutely isnt an option. I just wish he would stop punishing me without me knowing why? 😢