[mama4]

Hello and thank you for reading my story. I am barely functioning today and I know writing this all out here will be a good re-set and I will be able to attend to the many tasks at hand.
I'm 47, MLCer is 45. We have been together 25 years and married for 19 years. We share 4 children, DS17, DD16, DS12, DS9 and a rambunctious adopted puppy who was a stray and has some unique behaviors.
First 6 years: perfect, happy, lovely! MLC was deployed to combat, came back 7 months later with a blank stare. Left again for 13 months. The rest of who he was died over there. He suffered a severe traumatic brain injury.
We did a lot of work to help him address his trauma. He abandoned the work and became an alcoholic and started up with AP. By this time, we had two small children, aged 18 months and 5 months. We separated when I found out about AP for nearly a year. He worked on his issues. We found a way back to each other.
Fast forward through the happy years to 2013. MLC's father passes away at 61 after a short cancer battle. MLC fell apart. New AP, more drinking and really monstering behaviors.
We had 3 kids at that point and lived thousands of miles from both of our families of origin. He cycled back to better choices and got help for his drinking. We were happy as a couple and a family. Baby #4 came along and we moved near my family of origin. His mom remarried and moved near us. MLC went off the rails again and has been cycling through the MLC stages since 2019.
My mom went into septic shock and almost died in March 2019, followed by round the clock care, rehab, etc. We live next door. I help out a ton. My younger sister and Dad live with my mom and took the lead on care. MIL's second husband left her. She moved in with us. MLC went much deeper into the tunnel. Lots of going out and drinking and anger.
August 2020, one of my older sisters, her 4 kids and husband survived a head on car collision but were all hospitalized and near death for months. I took over much of the care, continued to work my demanding job and care for our 4 children the best I could. My mom was more independent by this time and my 2 other sisters helped more than I did. In Nov 2020, my younger sister, at only 41, was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Our care shifted to her until her death in my arms on June 20, 2023.


BD #1: 9-9-22 : MLC informs me ILYBINILWY and proposes a loveless marriage until youngest moves out. He kicks me out of the master, and has terrifying fits of rage. He took my diamond engagement ring after telling me I don't deserve it.
His list of complaints: I don't pay enough attention to him, I'm fat (was 130 pounds at the time, am 105 now---5 ft 7 in tall)---in the past 2 years he went from 180 pounds to 275 pounds---, he wants to buy I house and I won't do it (I have looked at houses with him and would gladly buy one), I'm bad at sex.

I started learning about MLC and using environment changer (Larry Bilotta) to understand what was happening and how to survive this mess.
MLC was leaving to go to his friend's house for days/weeks at a time but always came home.
He didn't talk about any of this with the kids and I just carried on. I kept communication brief and reciprocated love when he initiated and acted like the man I fell in love with. Otherwise, business like and brief.
These visits continued until September 2023.
In December 2022, our oldest heard is father yelling out someone on the phone that if he wouldn't see them tomorrow, before their trip, he would break up with them. DS and I asked him about it and he flew into a violent rage. He spent the night in a hotel.

I kept everything cordial and positive. I carried on. I enjoyed our kids and loved them and worked hard at my job. I ride my bike to nowhere daily and make it to YOGA several times per week.

Thanksgiving 2023, he tells my sister he loves me in front of me when she tells him her husband just left her. Her husband had nearly died in the car accident I mentioned earlier and had suffered a traumatic brain injury. His personality is very altered.

I was shocked to hear MLC loves me and we hugged. No relationship talk but he did say he had been wanting to tell me for months.

In March 2024, my engagement ring was back in my jewelry box and he was asking me on dinner dates weekly. I found our time together to be fun and more like I remembered we could be. We were having sex 1+ times weekly throughout this entire time (less than prior to 2022 but never stopped completely) but I haven't had access to our bedroom since 2022. I sleep in the guest room.
No talk of our relationship.
April 2024, the dinner invitations end after we spend dinner with an old friend of his he hadn't seen in over a decade.

In May 2024, he reconnected with my family and joined us for a big event, even preparing food for it. He seemed himself for the first time in many years.
This past week, he was agitated with the kids and I.

Yesterday, he let me know we are getting divorced, that he is moving out today and we will tell the kids sometime this week. He told me he hated going out with me this past March, that I have no personality and he can't connect with me. He said there is nothing for him here.
His other complaints were: that I spend too much time with my family of origin, I let our daughter get her license without his permission (I have no idea what he's talking about), I'm bad at sex, and that my credit score is low (I guess he checked it and why is this a thing?)

He is monstering and it's brutal.

Just when I thought things were finally getting better, he's gone.

I can't help hearing the childhood song in my head------"You can't ride in my red wagon, the wheels are broken and the axel's sagging, same song, same verse, a little bit louder and a little bit worse" (other verses use different voices, etc)

How is he cycling through anger again!?

[xyzcf]

Welcome to HS, sorry you have to be here. You have had many situations over the years to contend with as well as 4 children to raise (and a rambunctious puppy).

My first  thought when I was reading your story is the PTSD that your husband has from serving in the military. My father was a POW during WWII of the Japanese and he struggled his whole life with PTSD. Although better understood now, treatment is still hit and miss.

As you probably already know, trauma causes biochemical changes in the brain. As you said, the rest of who he was died over there.

A traumatic brain injury, alcoholism, several family deaths and losses...a mixture of several things, several stresses that he cannot deal with.

Whatever the title you put on it, the loss of your husband and destruction of your family is happening.

You cannot help him, you cannot change him, you cannot fix him or cure him. You seem to be the type opf women who is always there for others, a caretaker.

So, my only "advice" is focus on taking care of yourself and your children...let him go. Heartsblessing used to say "let them go and crack their head in the wind".

I am not saying this lightly. I have been standing for my marriage for 15 years..pretty rare on this site. The man he was is not the man he is today, still there is love for him and I try and make things comfortable so that we can and do spend time together with our daughter and son in law..because this is still a family, but a very broken one.

I too practice yoga and have build  a life for myself that is "satisfactory"...but it is lonely as I don't live near my family.

The back and forth from your husband is exhausting. One moment he loves you and you are having nice times together then he tells you the complete opposite.

You are NOT the things he is telling you. That you are fat or bad at sex.

There are actually several threads devoted to the things MLCers say, the blame they place on us for their own pain.

Sometimes we need to avoid contact with them because it's too darn painful. I have been able to work hard at being around him (he's a long time clinging boomeranger) as I won't allow him to take my peace from me...because this is his crisis, I am collateral damage for sure......but his acitons are not because of me....

Thanks for sharing your story. Sometimes it helps to be able to talk it out to others. This site has helped thousands in their healing journey.

Hopefully you have a good therapist that can also give you the tools you need to heal.

[mama4]

Thank you xyzcf

I appreciate your response so much. I will do as you recommend and will stand for our children and attempt to begin healing. There is radical acceptance ahead for my journey and I need to embrace it. My children are everything and they are him and me and themselves and need to know they are loved beyond measure.

[Treasur]

I am very sorry for the long list of losses and strains that you have navigated over the last ten years or so. It sounds unimaginably hard. And the one thing that seems to be true is that disordered folks - whatever the cause - can suck up so much emotional and mental energy that one can almost forget one’s own strains and pains.

I am sorry too about his latest announcement. I am sure that this feels like a bad thing to you, a step back, but I would humbly suggest that it is possible that it might also give you some space to change the pattern and care for yourself now. Sometimes, a bit like running a marathon maybe, we don’t always realise how exhausted we are until we stop.

As Xyzcf says, you sound as if you have been doing a lot of caretaking of others. Perhaps after so long it has become a pattern for you and changing one’s own patterns as circumstances change can feel a bit scary and confusing. Do you have an IC? Bc it can be very helpful to be able to think out loud and use someone else’s lens in a safe place while you try to adapt.

And please consult a lawyer if you have not already done so. Your h sounds as if he has a history - again regardless of the reasons - of creating chaos and instability. And that makes you and your family at risk from being collateral damage from his actions. You are obviously a kind and loving person but, as my gran used to say, no need to be so kind that your brains fall out lol. You are not responsible for his behaviour, it isn’t your fault. But you also can’t control it or him, so fwiw, take legal advice pronto on all the most important basic stuff…keeping a roof over your head, the safety of you and your kids dealing with a raging man, custody, protecting yourself against debt being run up in your name etc etc. that’s the equivalent of getting you and your kids into a storm shelter while the hurricane rages imho. You may or may not choose to act on legal advice and it can vary depending on where you live, but information can also give you options.

Hug from all of us from here.
We know how hard and painful this is.
We also know that it can get easier and better even if it takes longer than we might wish.

[mama4]

Thank you, Treasur,

I appreciate the kind words and solid advice very much. It has been a long time cycling with him and I'm exhausted and more than ready to get off the roller coaster.
I am working on accepting the hard truth that I likely helped him stay in this miserable cycle by making things comfortable. I hope he gets the help he deserves and finds what he needs, but, not to worry because I am not in charge of his journey. If I keep repeating this, I will embrace it.

Our road has been a long one, almost 20 years in fact since he returned from combat and really showed signs of PTSD. Some of the work we did helped in the short term, but HIS internal struggle was never addressed and he has concluded that if I am out of the picture, he will feel better.
He hasn't chosen to get better and until he does, he won't actually get better. AND I have to learn to accept that he may never choose to get better, especially if there is a replacement relationship/alienator that is driving this change of residence and divorce filing.

When our dog passed away last year, he rationalized that if he got a new dog, he would be happy. I retorted that happy is on the inside and he told me I am the only one who believes that.

So, we adopted a 70 pound chocolate lab with massive behavior and aggression challenges and he was not happy. He has left the dog too.

We are going to be OK, I know we will. Detach. Breathe. Repeat.

[mama4]

Why is he home?
He is literally at our family home already.

Omg

[sachertorte]

I am so, so sorry you are going through this. I am a LBS (f) and you seem to me an absolute gem. Frankly, your H has not deserved you for the last ten years (or even longer; it sounds like he started openly cheating 14 years ago?). That is an awfully long time even on this forum!

I very much admire your nobility and the incredible expanse of your heart. I am also appaled by how much tragedy has hit you. You have been a miracle to your loved ones, and I sincerely hope it's all peace, health and joy for you onward.

Your H sounds like a clingy boomerang, as we call them here. This is just a guess on my part and I can be way off of course, but you seem to be so much further along than a lot of us when we were newbies. In being detached and clear-sighted, I mean.

Take care of yourself. We share the same journey, with an infinite variety we each work into our own.

[FrenchHusband]

Hi Mama and welcome to the club that nobody wants to join. I am glad for you that you join us, you have been through a lot !

His list of complaints: I don't pay enough attention to him, I'm fat (was 130 pounds at the time, am 105 now---5 ft 7 in tall)---in the past 2 years he went from 180 pounds to 275 pounds---, he wants to buy I house and I won't do it (I have looked at houses with him and would gladly buy one), I'm bad at sex.

this is the biggest (heaviest  ) projection I have ever read !

[mama4]

FrenchHusband,

Thank you, I actually laughed at your response, it was spot on. I needed to laugh, thank you!

[WHY]

Hi Mama and welcome to the club that nobody wants to join. I am glad for you that you join us, you have been through a lot !

His list of complaints: I don't pay enough attention to him, I'm fat (was 130 pounds at the time, am 105 now---5 ft 7 in tall)---in the past 2 years he went from 180 pounds to 275 pounds---, he wants to buy I house and I won't do it (I have looked at houses with him and would gladly buy one), I'm bad at sex.

this is the biggest (heaviest  ) projection I have ever read !

Her BMI is better than Adriana Lima’s……

Based on this fact alone.  In gonna go out on a limb and say it.  MLCers are absolutely effing bonkers.