[LC]

It didn’t go well. I emailed him. Kept emotion out of the conversation. He refused to provide the extra $222 I asked for. He is pressuring me to change the name on the bill.  I told the adult kids. He has been asking them to put separate bills in their name.  They refused.
I talked to a paralegal and updated her and the bills due date.
My lawyer calls back later.
I am filing for the separation of our finances. I have the funds.  I feel panic, a vague sense of relief and grief.  I’m doing my deep breathing on the Wif Hof Youtube channel. 
This protects us from him and himself and is reversible.

[OffRoad]

Good for you. Keep breathing.    I don't know how much he earns, but most places want to keep both parties living similar lifestyles. 800 per month is probably not how you used to live, nor how he lives. And yes, this is protecting yourself and none of your adult kids are responsible for any of these bills. I mean, is the only thing you and the kids deserve is food and utilities? Will they need new clothes or shoes, will you need tires on a vehicle or insurance? Will you ever, maybe, need a new appliance?

My needs became so small I thought I didn't need much. But life teaches you that stuff happens and you need to be ready for it as best you can. Protecting yourself and your kids is just prudent. I was fortunate enough I had access to most of the bank accounts and made sure I had my half of the savings.  And copies of the bank statements. Mine spent over $20,000 in one month, so glad I had my half before then.

How are you managing? Taking care of yourself?

[LC]

Today, I feel good. I took the morning off to take care of myself; breathing exercise, morning devotional, coffee ☕️.
Then, I called my lawyer back and got the ball rolling on Separation.  Strangely enough, my anxiety is gone and my head feels clearer. In the immediate, I wont have worry about H not paying the electric and explaining why the well water pump isn’t working.
I know it wont be simple, but at least we won’t have as much to worry about , wondering what we will have month to month.  I can now focus more on being a Mom who is fully present and not overly distracted.

“is the only thing you and the kids deserve is food and utilities? Will they need new clothes or shoes, will you need tires on a vehicle or insurance? Will you ever, maybe, need a new appliance?”

Yes, this, too was my worry.  I tested the waters to see if we could negotiate needs. I was calm and kept straight to the point in my email conversation with H.  Apparently, there is no negotiating with him. Now he will have to listen to someone else.  It’s a lot easier to detach and heal if I am not having to reach out to him regarding finances.

I am making a detailed list of everything the SUV needs. Thankfully, I have 4 grown sons to help with that 😀
An emergency repair fund for the household, including appliances, repair (we do most of our own), septic cleaning every two years, chimney sweep, gasoline for the car and lawnmower. 


Brb, I need to get D9’s allergy meds and D14’s inhaler.

[LC]

Cont.
I think a lot of the anxiety I felt stemmed from knowing what I had to do, and how to reconcile Legal Separation with my Faith. I prayed, read about what standing means on Hero’s Spouse and Hearts Blessings websites, and looked what exactly a Separation is. The marriage stays intact, the finances are separated and protected. The children’s financial futures are protected.  The word “helpmeet “, in the Bible, in Genesis,  literally means “for or against him.”
This is literally what I am doing as his wife. 
Thank you for sharing your experiences with me. I think it helped me see my own situation more clearly.

[LC]

“And I so feel your pain about being the invisible person in the family now. It's been 9 years and my D finally gets it, how everyone goes for "big family Christmas" to Dad's parents house, and I'm left sitting alone for the rest of the day after my morning 3 hours.”

I hear you…

[FaithWalker]

Still following along LC, just in and out.  I have done a lot of reading on Helpmeet too.  The Ezer Kenegdo.  I don't know if I'll be one again, but I sure was fascinated by what I read.

[LC]

While journaling this morning, this came to mind:
“ Sometimes I doubt the benefit of giving the benefit of a doubt.”

It sums up my feelings in a nutshell.

The kids have various activities today, so I will update later.

[Reinventing]

I think that given the evidence of his actions, that is a great quote.

[Treasur]

While journaling this morning, this came to mind:
“ Sometimes I doubt the benefit of giving the benefit of a doubt.”

It sums up my feelings in a nutshell.

That makes a lot of sense.
I think we give people the benefit of the doubt (bc it is a more constructive and peaceful way to live) until the evidence stacks up enough that we should stop.
Changing our mindset to the opposite - the doubt of the benefit if you like, to expect the absence of good until proved otherwise - takes all of us a bit of time bc it is not our normal way of looking at the world, is it?

It’s ok to be open-minded but not so much that your brains fall out, right?

I agree with Reinveing though. This may not be how your h behaved in the past but it is what you can see with your own eyes now. He looks like someone who can’t be trusted financially, who really only cares about his own needs and not about the needs or feelings of even his own family.
So it’s wise for that to be your starting assumption now. You gave him the benefit of the doubt and tried to have a calm, reasonable discussion about finances for you and those kids….he failed to meet that challenge, so you have wisely moved to a Plan B.

He may take action that proves you wrong, of course, and you can be open-minded enough to see when/if he does, but it’s sane and sensible to not start with that assumption, isn’t it?

[LC]

Reinventing and Treasur,
I have read and reread your posts over and over.
Each time a new nugget of truth presents itself.
That it’s ok to not give benefit of a doubt, when a person consistently repeats behaviors make it risky to give a benefit of a doubt.
That I can give a benefit of a doubt, when said behaviors change for the better.

That I can give myself the benefit of a doubt. Even though I feel the little decisions I have made have led me to the situation I’m in now.  Know what I know now, I can make better decisions.

Now the Update:

H:
Things don’t seem to be going as he planned. One of the kids told me H’s car died. I felt like I wanted to offer temporary use of our SUV, until his car was fixed. I also felt he would say no. So, I prayed about it.
I mostly go gray rock and silent with him.
So I texted him and asked. He texted back no. He was already renting a car for $1000/week, until his car was fixed. He went on about all of his expenses, and that he was having a hard time paying for everything, how his potted fig tree withered up, and how this was a sign from God that he would never get any rest. I listened to him. I responded to with empathy. I told him it sounds like a hard thing and how I couldn’t imagine what it must be like paying for two households. He texted back that he would probably be working for the rest of his life to pay for things.
At this point I began to realize, this was how he sounded on other mornings we texted. I realized I am speaking with an aspect of his personality, who is beginning to regret things. Later on in the day and evening, the teenagers and children of his issues come out. So I know I need to speak with each of them separately without anger. Raising 5 boys has come in handy. Hearts Blessing’s book has come in real handy!
So, continuing with the convo, he sent a picture of a tiny Jesus doll, sitting on a desk I recognized as his, given to him by some at work.  He mentioned that was the only thing that got him through some days. I felt empathy, and suspicion.  One suspicion was that he was pulling my leg.  The other was that the OW, who I suspect is the women listed on his beneficiary list, was the one who gave it to him.  That tracks with the type of woman the MLCer might choose to work out their issues.  His Mom was religious and extremely helpful and easy to get along with.  He told me he couldn’t believe I started Separation proceedings, it supposed to be up to God when we separate. I said I agree, but we can’t seem to communicate politely about expenses. Some of his decisions were a bit questionable and not quite legal. I told him accountability was needed and if we couldn’t discuss the bills being left at our house, I needed to find someone who could speak on our behalf. I complained about how much it would all cost and we need to save money  I thought to myself, I think that ship sailed when he made a unilateral decision regarding our family. 
He asked me to leave his Bible near the front door, so he could could come pick it up. I did so, knowing that his motives might not be sincere. He picked it up two days later. I took a week in prayer, weighing what I knew, what I suspected, and what was likely to happened, and decided to get a refund in the retainer for now.  I can have back in trust in 3 days, if needed.  My lawyer has my file on standby and we are communicating . She is a dear woman.
In making my decision, I made it knowing that God wants peace and Shalom in doing what is in His perfect will and in His perfect timing.  When I started the separation process, I felt no peace, just extreme anger.  I do think putting down the retainer accomplished something good. We now receive $1400/month, exactly on time. No more @ssholing, in that regard.
I have more to update soon…