[FaithWalker]

When a loved one dies, there are condolences.   Family, friends, and loved ones offer comfort. There is closure and then you can commit to doing things in life to honor your loved one, knowing they would approve and be proud of you.  With MLC, there is none of this. 

Yes, a few years ago I started calling myself a "Social Widow" - only social widows do not get the same consideration for sure.  But there is always some in our corner that still know what we are going through and lend a hand.  I'm so grateful for those in my corner.

I first heard the term social widow when I came across this article a while back.
https://garythomas.com/2019/03/27/the-ongoing-sin-of-divorce/

[MadLuv]

I lost a daughter and there is no name for that either, but people do understand your grief. Divorce and marriage breakups are so common now that people dont understand this type of discard. They just think you should move on and find someone else. I think those people haven't had a true loss  or they just dont love as deeply to understand.

[LC]

Sometimes I don’t post right away, because I can’t always put my feelings into words. I majored in art, not writing , lol.
Madluv
I agree. Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage are just so common today that they have just become background noise. It’s a lot easier to get a no contest dissolution in the States.
I think for those who truly love their spouses and are watching their older kids suffer, it’s not simply a removal of a spouse like an unwanted wisdom tooth. 
I had two miscarriages. Beginning of 2nd trimester. Saw the ultrasound visuals. No beating hearts. As you can fully understand, there are no words. Watching this different man walking around feels the same. Thank you for understanding and empathy.

FaithWalker
I read that article. Yeah, I will probably be working until I can’t, lol.  I always thought H and I might have some hobby income alongside retirement.  I guess God has different plans 😀

UM
That quote is my new inspiration when I want to throw in the towel.

I’ve been reading everything I can in the archived posts. Today I am reading the topic of Prayer.

Well everyone wants dinner. I need to go.
Thank you for your understanding.

[LC]

Update
So today, I did something that in the moment felt right, but the kids are shocked by.

The background is that H dropped the kids off and stayed to work on his car. He sent S14 to ask if he could borrow the SUV till tomorrow. I said yes. He came back to finish fixing his car, left a laptop for D14 to fix, and left. He was M regarding passwords we needed, among other things.
D14 wanted to borrow a track pad cable off my laptop to see if it would fix H’s. My laptop is usually harvested for spare parts, most of which I have to replace, just to save H money. This time, I said, “No!”.  I explained to D14 that I am tired of saying doing saying yes to everything. I told him I have even less money than H to replace this part. I have this feeling of panic right now. It’s a sort of cognitive dissonance, for lack of a better word.  The older kids are a bit speechless.  I have been “inheriting” small bills to pay from DH. I’m trying to not dip into my emergency stash for if/when TSHTF. I think he knows this. 
It felt so uncomfortable to say no to empathy and trust, in this situation. Is this normal?  Or, is it like the reddit forum, AITA?
Honest critique and analysis welcome 🤗


D14 wanted to borrow

[Nas]

Just a very quick response from me here: you should google coercive control. A few commonalities with my M/red flags that make me say this are his 100% control of the finances throughout your marriage and the arrangement for you to stay home and home school (which is common in isolation that comes with various forms of abuse).
When someone who has been abused or under long term control first starts to say no, it can seem too loud, too aggressive, too everything, and though the nice Hollywood trope is the finally empowered heroine finding her voice and discovering her worth, it's actually quite the opposite. You wonder in every single instance if you have the right to say no or ask for common decency, you constantly wonder if you are being a nuisance or a flat out b!tc#, if you are in the wrong, or "AITA here?" It takes practice, and frankly, whether it's breaking a trauma bond, freeing oneself from abuse, fawn response, lifelong codependency, whatever the reason for never having been able to say no, if you have access to a therapist, that's really a necessary tool.

[Ready2Transform]

Listen to Nas! You're doing the right thing. It's going to take time to build this new neural pathway, but you'll look back and see how you ended the cycle of exploitation.

[LC]

Nas,
Yeah, control has been an issue in our marriage.  It got a little better the last 6 years or so.  But now, MLCer in all his Shadow glory is getting in touch with his inner Jerk.
Thing is, any one of the things you mentioned doesn’t seem bad by itself.  Being a SAHM, homeschooling, his involvement in the finances.  But…we didn’t hang out with SAHM couples, no HS couples, no Bible study group. He was in charge of the finances and griped about our spending.  I told him to set a budget. He wouldn’t. So I did. He agreed to it. I stuck with it and ignored the griping.
I went default on my student loans so I could stay at home and do everything I do here. He said someday we would pay off my loans.  Didn’t happen. He still owes 40 grand on his. 
I’ve been sorting through my FOO origin issue over the years.  Six years ago, I had to tell my MLCer Dad, “No,” also.
At the time, it felt like I was disrespecting my father.  Now I see that it’s disrespecting him to continue to allow him to manipulate and order me around. I am seeing the same thing unfolding with H.
My lawyer told me to wait for H to file first.  He needs to establish 6 months residency where he is now, before he can file.  I am saving up a retainer fee and trying to get us through till January.  She said it’s best if I am not imployed until after the Separation/Divorce.

When, H left, he said he didn’t want the lawyers to get all the money and he wanted to treat us like we are separated. He continues to pay for stuff and he gets the minor age children 2 days a week,

I have been strongly considering a legal separation, just to not have to deal with all of his cr*p, now.  The two oldest kids are aware of most of the situation, not all. The very youngest are aware, except for something is different about his behavior. 

I do have some support.  My neighbor is aware of our situation.  This wonderful group has been a Godsend.  I have a good lawyer on standby.  I have a good Faith Community.  I have the Lord.  He has been answering so many prayers lately.  He is my Rock and my Fortress. 
TBH, when I think about, it felt really good to say, “No”, today.

[LC]

Ready,
I just really need to stick to the uncomfortable right now, with the hope that it will be the new comfortable. 🤞
BD happened a week before Passover, this year. I don’t think that was a coincidence.  That was the last formal meal we sat down together and read the story of God delivering the Israelites from bondage.  Right now, we are crossing the Red sea. I need to keep my eyes on the Lord and not look to the right, nor the left.

[LC]

Has anyone else experience neighbors avoiding them, after their MLCer left?  I was talking to one neighbor, while our kids were playing. Our neighbor across the street came over and started a conversation with her about their dogs, kids, etc.  Friendly neighbor would converse with both of us, while the other neighbor turned her back to me and eventually ended up between me and the other neighbor. This neighbor usually speaks to me. We have always been on good terms; greeting each other at the supermarket, she always complimented me on how well I raised my kids, etc.  Now things are decidedly different.  Another neighbor is the same way.  It’s rather an unsettling feeling.

[Biscuit]

LC,

Often neighbours and friends don't know how to act around any kind of change in the status quo. It's tricky! Think about how we all feel awkward talking to someone we know, but not really know, if theres a bereavement or any kind of serious life challenge, as opposed to the usual small talk and niceties. I wouldn't read too much into it unless these are people that are in your close circle of friends. If they are just people you say hi too when putting the bins out on a Monday morning then they just don't know what to say right now.