[OffRoad]

Putting down the retainer did accomplish something good. You know, if you absolutely have to, that you will do what is needed to protect your family financially. And your H knows it, too. This is no mean feat. It is extremely difficult to set boundaries that way and just as difficult to pull back when what was needed is provided. You have shown you are not going to be pushed around, but are reasonable. If you are like me, that sometimes feels uncomfortable because I like to make everyone's life better. But the boundaries are important. You did a wonderful job there.

I will warn you of the dangers of mlcers and vehicles. Vehicles seem to be collateral damage in an mlcers journey a lot of the time. Only loan the suv if you could live without it is my suggestion (ask me how I know). Of course, you must be true to yourself, but also consider the repercussions should something happen to the vehicle.

You can change your mind and what direction you are going as often as you need to. This is how you figure out what you and your family need. The saying "God helps those who help themselves" rings true in the mlc arena.

[Treasur]

I agree with OR about the benefit of your choice and boundary. Both you and he now know that you can and will take legal recourse if you have to. Imho boundaries are communicated more clearly with actions than words.

It sounds as if you have decided to give your h the benefit of the doubt regarding finances. I hope he does not disappoint you but you now have a Plan B if he does as OR says in her last paragraph. There’s an Arabic quote to the effect of ‘Trust in God…but tie up your own camel’ which says much the same.

MLC spouses who maintain contact say some pretty stupid things. As I recall, for instance, God has some pretty harsh opinions about men who abandon their wives and families….leaving is a form of separating, is it not? And infidelity is not on the ‘go you’ list. Please be careful about how much you read into his recounting of his own woes or when he blames you for how you navigate a situation that HE has created for your family. Take it all with a fair pinch of salt…it seems to be quite possible for these folks to feel quite sorry for themselves without changing their actions one jot. To regret the consequences for themselves but miss the profound consequences for others entirely. I’m pretty confident that you were/are dealing with far more than a dying plant or a swanky rental if your car broke down….and that he has probably shown very little concern about any of your challenges or your kids’ challenges. Imho, if you choose to listen to him bemoan his lot, it’s probably wise to go for a ‘doubt’ than a ‘benefit’ when you listen until/unless his behaviour changes significantly, to not assume that x means y until you see it does. Jmo.

[UrsaMajor]

$1000/WEEK? Seriously? What is he renting, a Mercedes AMG? A BMW M3? At that cost, he is well into the "Premium/Luxury" class of car.... If he is financially strapped, it would seem that a less expensive rental would be Priority 1 on the list.....



Good for you for setting the boundary and enforcing it. Mid-Lifers HATE that but it is one of the consequences when they go tippling down the Cotton Candy path to La-La Schmoopie land.....

[forthetrees]

I´m trying to wrap my head around his comment that God would decide when you would separate. Since God cannot sign a legal retainer with a lawyer this makes no sense to me.

[UrsaMajor]

I´m trying to wrap my head around his comment that God would decide when you would separate. Since God cannot sign a legal retainer with a lawyer this makes no sense to me.

^^^THIS^^^

[LC]

FTT & UM
I have given up trying to figure him out. And, I don’t trust him as far as I could throw him. 


My goal is to work in getting the bills for our household itemized and a budget created. I found cheaper auto and homeowners insurance for us here, with the same coverage, way less than he was paying. I’m not paying for those .  The auto goes on the support card, which has $3900 limit. The homeowners gets paid by our mortgage company. I’m also getting utilities set up and on a payment schedule. Everything appears to be running smoothly. I have a gas card paired with his bank account.
Everything we spend is accounted for on both credit card statements, which should make it easier if/when this ends up in court, next year. I just have a feeling he will take some kind of legal action in the Spring.
I have three independent contract jobs performing human intelligence tasks for AI training. They don’t pay much, but they make a nice small savings. Wisely invested in the future, after the dust settles, should help make a fresh start, along with finding a real job.

So, the other day, S14 told me that H is now driving an old Chrysler on loan from a friend.
He said it stank of cigarette smoke, the airbags don’t work, all kinds of things are wrong with it. I blurted out that it was his “Midlife Chrysler”. S14 looked properly shocked, then laughed until he was in tears.  Next, he told the rest of the household. The laughter died down after 20 mins. I told him not to tell H.  He agreed not to. 
So later, S14 told me that OW (he mentioned her name, but doesn’t know she is OW) has a daughter who would smoke in the car when her mom wasn’t around. I recognized the name from the beneficiary list.  I already had a feeling she was the one who loaned him the car.  She is in her 40’s, divorced with 2 girls, chronic high blood pressure. She and H work at the same place.  He told me about her about a month before Bomb Drop. He was worried about her health.
I made an appt to talk with my IC. When I actually spoke the words out loud to her and told her everything ( suspecting who OW was, who loaned him the car, etc), I started shaking.  My Counselor told that it’s quite normal. When you actually hear the words spoken out loud, your brain starts to process what it’s hearing.  I was a bit unsettled by my reaction, but I felt so much better afterwards.

I suspect it won’t be long before he gradually introduces OW into the children’s lives, when they go to visit.  He has been buying them all kinds of toys and treats lately. He actually has started taking them places and almost being normal.
Which means….something cr@ppy is soon to follow. 

If any parents on here have any advice to give, I would greatly appreciate it.

The three youngest are S14 (he takes on H’s problems and try to find solutions), D12 (friendly, outgoing, helpful),  S9 (very intelligent, acts out at H’s place, when things are a bit off, he wonders why I don’t ever go over with him on visits)

That being said, I need to get them in for counseling, too.
D26 is studying for her degree in Psychology.  She tries to help S14 with his feeling the need to take on H’s problems, and what that might mean.

Sorry for the unedited book.

[Flummoxed]

Hi LC,

I’m afraid I’m not a parent and will be unable to share feedback on the kiddo front, but I did want to connect on the shaking. I came across the following TEDtalk relatively recently and found it helpful, so wanted to share in case you may feel the same. She speaks to trembling at the 5:00 mark.

https://youtu.be/UU7eSxcBhpM?si=vDTXGi0JJl5hXAKU

As a TLDR, her primary three recommendations are to:

• Embrace trembling, as it’s your body’s way of processing the trauma and releasing excess energy.
• Use your senses to connect and stay (at least for a period) in the present moment.
• Scan your body to find a space in which you feel safe (there are amazing free body scan meditations on YouTube).

Sending you hugs- you’re doing great. 💗

[OffRoad]

Kids are hard. My youngest was 15 at the time. You want them to have whatever relationship they want to have with their mlc parent, but you also want them to understand that this is NOT the way to behave. And kids normally want to stay connected with both parents.

My take on this:
For your son, he needs to realize he can't fix people. Just in general. Some of us are natural fixers and it sounds like he is one of them. When you step in before being asked and just fix things for someone, it takes away their own responsibility and autonomy to fix their own issues. Your son needs to understand acceptance of what is and how to navigate it without fixing.

D12 is going to people please, imo. Make sure she takes care of herself.  Listen when she complains ( because she will, you can't people please 24/7)  and validate but don't try to fix her. You can ask questions to make her think, too.

D9 I don't have a read on. She acts out likely because she is angry. She probably understands way too much.

Make sure they know it's their father's issue, nothing to do with them should they ask.

It's extremely hard with the kids. If you stay the sane one, so they always know your rules and you stick by them, it will serve them well. Doesn't mean it won't get messy (the stories I have told here....), but they will come out the other side, around 26 years old, just fine. Yeah. That's a long time, but you have support. Remember lots of hugs and patience for the kids and yourself.

[UrsaMajor]

My D13 is also a fixer for her mom (my MLCxW2) and takes responsibility for mom's emotional well-being. D13 has been in a Day Clinic for 3 months because of that and is falling back into the same schema again so I expect that she will have to go into a residential care system at some point so she is away from mom. Of course, mom sees it as MY issue and projects that D13 can't tell me what she really wants whereas I see it as an issue with MLCxW2.

D13 was happy and we had a very nice weekend together but, according to MLCxW2, D13 cried for over an hour last night and mom wrote her sick today from school (this is how it started last time too).

So, I need to notify D13's therapist and let her know what is going on.... and make an appointment for D13, her therapist and I to sit down and talk about it.... .....
Unfortunately, MLCxW2 is the parent where D13 (and S17 but he isn't buying off on the BS from mom) live

[xyzcf]

Our kids suffer, and we as the sane parent are left to pick up the pieces.

it's hard enough for us to understand the MLCer, our kids have not only lost their family, but the MLCer also doesn't treat them the way that they once did...so how does a child comprehend that?

And I would think that the child also is torn between "picking sides" and juggling their own emotions...and this flows over into their lives.

We do the therapy, our kids do the therapy but often the MLCer just continues on their crazy path because they think there is nothing wrong with them.

As the non- MLC parent, we really have to be in tune with what is going on with our children and try to create stability and that they know we are who we are and that doesn't change.