[KayDee]

Allie,

You are likely in an extreme fight/flight fear response. Ironically, what you are afraid of is your H. Your body/emotional self is telling you, correctly, that he is harmful to you. You are hyper-alert, your cortisol will likely be very high, you are on a hair-trigger expecting imminent danger. Others may disagree with this description, but when I was in your shoes,my H's actions felt like emotional violence. No, there is no logic to it. Why does he blame you? Because he is also operating on an extreme fight/flight fear response, but, unlike you, he cannot look at himself, that is unbearable. So he is looking without, through an extremely emotional lens, where he must act to save himself. Alas, all the MLCrs do this. It is not your fault. You do not deserve this. Your H lacks the emotional coping skills to deal with what has now become an existential/identity crisis. I sense from your earlier posts you may have been protecting him emotionally for most of your marriage. Now he has imploded.

This may sound harsh, but I hope it will help you calm yourself from your current state of panic. In many ways, your H has already done the worst of it, he has blown up your marriage. That is not to say that you cannot reconcile in the future, but the marriage as was, it is gone. I had to keep telling myself this, and to not to be afraid of losing what was already lost. It's a very hard pill to swallow, but it does help you deal with the next stages with less fear.

Regarding communication - he doesn't get to say how you communicate. That's your choice. And please note the double standard from him - he can send you things, but you just have to sit there with duct tape on your mouth? I personally think a WTF text is ill advised  (albeit cathartic  ).  I always wrote things out first, and let it sit for a day. Or I read to a friend for a more level head on the matter.  It takes some time because at first we at shattered into little pieces, but eventually you will see that you have equal rights in this situation. You are not powerless.

If you can get a break from your current environment, it may be restorative. Go for a walk, visit a friend? Whatever you need to redirect your thoughts for a while. I really get the whole dread of waiting for the next shoe to drop, but often, the anticipation is much, much worse. And often, we can get into a complete stew about nothing.

[Treasur]

What I want you to do right now is BREATHE
Like this https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/321805#how-to-do-it

Do nothing else right now but - depending on the time of day - breathe, calm your system down, go for a walk, keep breathing, make something simple but good to eat. Take a bath, read a book, watch a movie. Keep breathing.
You don’t need to do anything else today.

Breathing will help you to respond not react and to deal with that bit of mail tomorrow with a calmer mind.
Above all do not contact your h - he does not have the answers you need and it will not help you.

Doing nothing is also doing something imho.

Maybe check back in with us tomorrow when you have opened the horrid mail? Xxxx

[AllieKat]

Im definitely defeated and feeling suicidal and have reached out to several people today!! It sucks so bad

[LC]

Hi AllieKat,
I’m 4 months post BD.  I went through all the feelings you are feeling. I still have bad days. When I feel my lowest and worst, I’ve come to realize I need to do something else to move forward into what will eventually be my wonderful new life. Someone once told me, “Depression is anger turned inward.”  Sllow yourself to get royally pissed off and then channel that energy into decluttering, maybe toss his stuff in boxes and move it into the garage. Maybe it’s journaling all these feelings and getting them down on paper.  Exercise is really good for getting anger out. I can say that I am beginning to get in touch with my real inner strength and developing a skill set I wouldn’t want to trade in for anything. I don’t know you, but I bet you have a really sharp skill set. I bet you are excellent with budgeting and multitasking. I bet you are a great listener and great at emphasizing with people and helping them.  There is so much you have to offer.

Tell me, what are your goals for next week? Is there anything you have always wanted to get started doing, but put off until your plate was clear? 

I’m getting started remodeling the house. I’ve always put it off and been too busy being someone else’s emotional support. In the midst of dealing with MLC garbage, I am finding something new to look forward to every day.  I’m even splurging and buying myself a new skirt. I haven’t bought one in years.
Have you ever seen the movie Diary of a Mad Black Woman, starring Tyler Perry?  He plays a character named Madea, who steps up to bat for her niece, and delivers some instant karma to this poor girl’s husband. I watched this movie a month ago and it was wildly funny!  I don’t want to give anything away.  This movie is such good therapy for LBSes to watch, imho. It’s such good therapy laughing at all the hilarious comeuppance in the movie😄
(((((((((AllieKat)))))))))

[Treasur]

Im definitely defeated and feeling suicidal and have reached out to several people today!! It sucks so bad

How are you doing today, my friend?

When I was in my darkest days, someone told me that it’s ok to have suicidal thoughts (well not ok, it sucks but you know what I mean) but the trick is to not turn them into actions.
Your job is to outlast them.
Which normally means reaching out for help if you need it, distracting yourself temporarily with other things (doesn’t matter what they are) and hunkering down until the worst of the metaphorical storm passes.

[KayDee]

How are you feeling this morning Allie?

[AllieKat]

Im here still. He  has filed but I haven’t received papers yet. I am hopeful he will wake up one minute than crying alone in the house the next. It just makes no sense and I wish when spouses did this we could send them off to get help . I miss him so much and gather he doesn’t miss me at all. He recently joined Fb which he always hated and refused to get on till now. Other ppl don’t seem to notice the change in him. So now i question myself? Am I wrong? Is it not mlc is it just he got sick of me??

[Flummoxed]

Hi AllieKat, I’m a newbie too so take what I say with a grain of salt  but I’ve also recently been spiraling as to what I may have done to cause this. I’m not sure if your situation is MLC, but it’s a very sudden change and he’s turning into his evil twin in a way, so could possibly be. It was (and is) difficult to process, but truly the only thing you can control is yourself. MLC is not the fault of a spouse; it may be due to his childhood and upbringing. Sure, there may be a trigger, but the eventual fallout was bound to happen. In no way is this crisis about you. But you need to make sure you’re taking care of yourself- small meals, protein shakes, soft foods, walks in sunshine, lots of water. Baby steps because this is an insane trauma and you’ve got to recenter to move forward. You’ve got this! Always feel free to journal; this group is amazing.

[AllieKat]

I’m wondering if any you gave had experience with nobody else noticing spouse’s behavior? My husband had a small circle. Honestly him and I did everything together. He really didn’t have friends. He has ppl he works with but he is in charge of them so if they notice anything they most likely won’t say it. My daughter is grown and married and not around a lot. His bf is in California and they only talk a handful of times and my husband always said he never shared much with him. So, when my daughter does go out with hubby she says he seems same to her. She thinks whats he is doing is crazy and doesn’t understand why but I feel on an island where nobody thinks he is different really but me. Nobody knows him like me though either!!

[LBSinUSA]

I think they mostly hide the turmoil for stretches of time that allows them to keep functioning as "normal." But I think they can only do this for hours at a time. 

A little bit after BD last year, we took a vacation with my sister.  Therefore we spent several days together which means it was harder for her to hide the turmoil.

My sister says during the trip she noticed STBXW was being unusually harsh to me and that she was doing bizarre things that didnt make sense.  For instance, we had reservations at a nice steakhouse but instead of waiting one hour, she ordered some crap hamburger at a cafeteria.  She did the same thing the next day and ordered food from Wendys instead of waiting 30 minutes for us to get into a lounge at the airport that had better food.  These things I didnt notice too much at the time, but looking back I see how that might have set off alarms with my sister. 

I told my FIL at one point that I thought something was wrong with STBXW.  We had and still have a positive relationship so I was hoping he might notice.  But, nope, complete denial.  She doesnt have many friends, so its hard to judge on that but amongst the friends we did have, what they thought was bizarre was her complete absence at the kid meetups.  She was studying for some test for her career (supposedly) but looking back now it is bizarre how a mother wouldnt be at nearly any events for her 1-2 year old over the course of like 9 months.   My therapist at one point asked me when the last time STBXW took son out to do anything and I realized she had done NOTHING with him for over half the year. 

What I came to understand was that most of the people around me noticed something but they arent going to say anything.  You would need to prompt and ask them.   And even then the MLCer can probably cover it up for a few hours.  But if its something longer like a vacation and other people are around for extended periods, I would guess they could notice.