[Helpnewc]

I could not agree more.

I remember the early days and looking for signs and meaning. There is none.

There is nothing rational going on. It is hard to stop looking for signs and to let go.

Once I moved to acceptance that my old life was gone and started building a new one things got better. But it is not easy and takes time.

A profile photo change means nothing.

[Biscuit]

I agree with the other posters, nothing rational is going on at all. You can't read anything into what they do - particularly like why they've posted this photo or changed this status or that - it's totally fruitless and will have you pretzeling yourself all over the shop. In fact even when they say something totally directly to you - for instance - if he said to you, "I changed my profile picture to one where I'm wearing my wedding ring, because one day we'll be back together again" you'd be wise to read nothing into it either.

[OffRoad]

I agree with the other posters, nothing rational is going on at all. You can't read anything into what they do - particularly like why they've posted this photo or changed this status or that - it's totally fruitless and will have you pretzeling yourself all over the shop. In fact even when they say something totally directly to you - for instance - if he said to you, "I changed my profile picture to one where I'm wearing my wedding ring, because one day we'll be back together again" you'd be wise to read nothing into it either.

  I keep looking for that "Like" button.

[AllieKat]

I hear you all! Well not really I cant hear you lol but I get it! I find myself questioning daily is it mlc? Or not? Is that craziness common too? I think I’m letting myself get crazy because D day is closer now and I had hoped (stupid) that hed be to a clearer spot but it doesn’t look like it at all. 😞

[OffRoad]

The one thing I will suggest is not to wait for him to find a "clear spot". He may never. If you take care of yourself and just keep moving forward, he can catch up with you or not and you will be ok either way. Hard, I know.

If you take care of yourself so that no matter what happens you will be ok, you will be in the best place for anything thrown at you. I still remember the day we finalized the divorce. The judge looked at us and said he'd never seen two people so calm and polite. (No lawyers just us) And when we went our separate ways xh said "Have a nice day". No joke. I think I laughed and "Yeah sure". But the facts were that this was where I was and what I had to deal with. Being a basket case was not going to help right then, tears could come later. I had a son to finish raising and a daughter to get through college.

Make no mistake, you are still grieving and grief is not linear in my experience. Your whole world was turned upside down, so you feel crazy. Once you realize you didn't break him, you can't fix him it gets easier. You can still stand for your marriage, just don't stand still waiting. Live YOUR life. Do things you like. Get your own ducks in a row. Cry when you need to. But do it on YOUR terms, not his.

Deep breaths. Big hugs.

[Baxter1]

I love this advice, I’ve followed it this whole time and it’s been spot on. When you work on yourself you have no idea how strong you can be. You learn about yourself and that in and of itself is a good journey.

Good Luck,

[MadLuv]

The important aspect of turning your attention to yourself is that you find yourself again. We try so hard to hold on. We’re afraid to move forward, because if we do then we just might accept whats happening and see things as they are. Then what? We move on. That’s so scary. It kept me hanging on longer than  mind was telling me to, because that darn heart wanted to hope some how this all didn’t miraculously happen.

How do you move forward when your heart is wanting to stay behind??? For me it was actually accepting that if he wanted to be with me right now he would. It doesn’t matter why at this point, it’s a choice. Once I really accepted that I was able to focus on the negatives that were happening and knock him and our relationship off the pedestal that it no longer belonged. Once you get back your self respect you truly start to live again. Keep busy. Make new memories and step out of your comfort zone. Acceptance of reality is the key. Luckily you live and love in reality. Your spouse does not. You are currently not compatible.

[AllieKat]

Curious on thoughts! Did anyone read hearts blessings book only 8 stages of mlc? There is a sentence “the midlife spouse who returns home always does so during this stage” referring to end of stage 3 (emotional regression) . Thoughts on this? Because I'm not sure I believe this but find everything in her book so spot on.

[MadLuv]

According to Hearts Blessing Presents, the third stage of a midlife crisis is acceptance, and after this stage, the person may experience a final "rebelling" before settling down. This is similar to a teenager who has become an adult, and still needs to make final changes. If the person can settle their differences, they may experience a sense of peace and have learned many things about life.
A midlife crisis is often a period of self-reflection, questioning, and emotional turmoil that can occur in middle adulthood, usually between the ages of 35 and 50. The crisis often has three stages: the trigger, the search for meaning, and acceptance.
Some tips for navigating a midlife crisis include: Accepting change, Maintaining a sense of purpose, Prioritizing self-care, and Adjusting your perception of aging and midlife.

I think hearts blessings book is a very good guide to things someone with unresolved issues go through, but it is based on one persons journey. Since each person in crisis is in it for different reasons it’s  not a blueprint for certainty. Also, how far did the MLCer go? How much did they lie about, how much are the able to be accountable for,  how much damage did they do?

I think thats why the MlCer that stays in contact and seems to not be able to cut ties with the LBS maybe has a better chance. Also how has the LBS handled it. Those that can leave them to it I think have a better chance of attracting them back.

However, most of the time if it comes to that the LBS has healed to a point that they cant get past what has been done.  The third stage if it comes can take many many years.

Just my opinion

[Biscuit]

Alliekat,

I I know for a fact that RCR respectfully disagrees with that particular line in the book. I can’t remember if it was in one of her videos or a group coaching or a  Q and A session. But she didn’t agree with it when asked about it. 

It’s a good book mind, lots of sage advice and lots to think about.