[Tailspin]

Another question I have is related to my family relations.  My family knows my wife has filed for divorce and while they are very upset and sad my wife still thinks they are her best friends.  It's like all the hate she has for me doesn't translate to my direct family.  My family is polite and remains mostly quite as they are upset with her antics.  Is this common?  My wife is acting like everything is fine with them. 

[MadLuv]

Honestly they dont want anything to change except us, so I am
Not surprised she is acting normal with others and your family. They just can’t fathom the consequences to come. Another thing is once they male the decision to leave they is a long relief stage where they are just so relieved they finally made the decision they have thought of for so long. She is convinced her life will be better without you. Let her see if it is.

[Standing Strong]

Hey TS,

Just reading your story...... I'm sorry she filed..... very common.
Letting go is a long journey, be patient with yourself.... very fragile time.

You're going on 11 months right now?

-SS

[Tailspin]

Honestly they dont want anything to change except us, so I am
Not surprised she is acting normal with others and your family

It saddens me deeply that she sees me as the problem.  I would have gone to the end of the world for my family.  She has convinced herself that divorce will be rainbows and unicorns. 

Just reading your story...... I'm sorry she filed..... very common.
Letting go is a long journey, be patient with yourself.... very fragile time.
You're going on 11 months right now?

Almost to 11 months.  I can't believe the speed she is moving.  Letting go has been a journey that without the help of God I would have done for.  It has shaken my soul. 

[KayDee]

Another way to think about it is that she wants to run away from her current life. And you are such a huge and integral part of that. . Many people in this type of crisis abandon more than just the spouse, from what I see in RL and on here. Unhappy in this life, run to a happier life. Doesn't ever seem to work in the long term (wherever you go, there you are) but that's the impulse.  She'll will discover you are not the problem sooner of later, but you can't convince her. Stay strong, you will come through this.

[Tailspin]

Thanks for all the great info being provided.  It's really helpful and appreciated. 
Another thing I needed some clarity on was something I read that said a person in MLC often think you feel they same as they do.  Is this true?  I ask because on multiples occasions my wife has blurted out things like "Well you hate me", and "You don't love me anymore anyway, right?".  I have always gently said that I still care for her, and she never replies.  Should I say nothing?  Is it all a test?

[LC]

I’m not a an expert anywhere close to being one the the many wise and kind folks on here. I’m only 4 months in from BD.
I can say that for my H, all Empathy is completely gone. There is no recognition or ability to see another’s point of view. For them, there is only what they are feeling. From what I have been reading on this forum, it seems to be the standard for MLCers.  I’m finding it helpful to detach, instead of trying to climb into their head trying to understand why they say the things they do.  That said, I have to keep reminding myself to maintain detachment for my sanity.
So sorry you are going through this.

[MadLuv]

"Well you hate me", and "You don't love me anymore anyway, right?".

. They want to know we are still there, but honestly they don't deserve that reassurance. I think you can be kind. If it were me I would say , I don’t hate anyone and I am respecting your choice to make decisions on how you want to live your life.

[Evermore]

My xH was convinced that I was also ready to end the marriage. He was truly shocked at how devastated I was by his betrayal and abandonment. In his case I think it was the only way he could do what he did. He’s not a bad man and didn’t want to devastate me. He was just very unhappy with himself and thought a new life would solve all his unhappiness. It didn’t. But he had so so convinced that it would.

Having said that, as you will hear over and over here (and it really is the best advice), you can only control yourself and your own life going forward. So as hard as it is, keep bringing it back to that. It has taken me years (sorry!) to feel like I can consistently ‘bring it back to me’. So be kind to yourself. It’s completely normal for us to take a very long time to heal from this kind of life event. 

[Standing Strong]

Another thing I needed some clarity on was something I read that said a person in MLC often think you feel they same as they do.  Is this true?  I ask because on multiples occasions my wife has blurted out things like "Well you hate me", and "You don't love me anymore anyway, right?".  I have always gently said that I still care for her, and she never replies.  Should I say nothing?  Is it all a test?

Hi TS,
Yes this is true...... they do think you feel the same way..... and they are not able to separate their own feelings from yours: hence their feelings must also be your feelings.

-SS