[Tailspin]

Hi Tailspin,

From a fellow relative newbie, I just wanted to say that I find your growth journey very inspiring. You have made such fantastic strides over the past year- I hope I can reach a similar headspace in the near term.

Keep at it- you’ve got this! The unknown can be terrifying but one step at a time.

Thanks.  Every step forward was with pain but I'm getting there.  I still love her even though I'm an enemy in her eyes right now.  Faith in God's plan is how I come to understand all this. 
Everyone on this site has offered such great insight and info.  I used to fight, thinking my situation was different.  It's not.  The names change and the degrees to which they are different but in the end we all have a journey. 
I have been reading your story Flummoxed.  Keep faith and know that you are not alone.  It is a hard journey for them and us.  I still cry now sometimes thinking of not seeing my kids every night. 

[Tailspin]

So once again this forum was right in the advice of protecting finances.  I officially exchanged financial statements with my wife, and it turns out she has been on quite the spending streak.  Besides the whole new wardrobe, partying on the weekends, and trips away, she apparently had cosmetic stuff secretly done.  Racked up a lot of bills.  My lawyer said we are no paying these as they were her expenses and not family related.  She apparently thought I would be on the hook for half of it. 
I am amazed the amount of debt she presently carries. 
Be careful and listen to advice here.  I locked all my accounts down early in this after reading all the horror stories and nonsense. 

[UrsaMajor]

So once again this forum was right in the advice of protecting finances.  I officially exchanged financial statements with my wife, and it turns out she has been on quite the spending streak.  Besides the whole new wardrobe, partying on the weekends, and trips away, she apparently had cosmetic stuff secretly done.  Racked up a lot of bills.  My lawyer said we are no paying these as they were her expenses and not family related.  She apparently thought I would be on the hook for half of it. 
I am amazed the amount of debt she presently carries. 
Be careful and listen to advice here.  I locked all my accounts down early in this after reading all the horror stories and nonsense.

I'd love to be able to say that I am shocked, surprised, but .... well.... I'm not. A good portion of Mid-Lifers follow the same old preworn path into the tunnel that includes chucking cash out the window like water over Niagara Falls at flood time....

Good that you locked down your accounts and good that your lawyer is fighting back against the "What's mine is mine and what's yours is ours" mentality of MLCSTBXW

[HeavenlyFocus]

Hi Tailspin,

I read your story and it is almost identical to mine.  I’ll never forget the shark eyes and the amount of hate that my XW had for me.  Even 3 years later, my XW still can’t interact with me in a healthy manner.

The good news is you are doing well handling the aftermath of the destruction.  You will be ok and life does get better.  Wish you all the best.

HF

[FaithWalker]

I officially exchanged financial statements with my wife, and it turns out she has been on quite the spending streak.  Besides the whole new wardrobe, partying on the weekends, and trips away, she apparently had cosmetic stuff secretly done.  Racked up a lot of bills.  My lawyer said we are no paying these as they were her expenses and not family related.  She apparently thought I would be on the hook for half of it. 

The absolute lack of rational thinking still appalls me to know end.  I know it's MLC and I shouldn't be shocked, but I still am.

[Tailspin]

Journaling

The past week has been hectic with lawyer issues and more gathering of paperwork and evidence.  Feel like I'm wasting my accrued vacation time to take care of these issues.
I myself have really stopped any kind of communication with my wife.  She doesn't speak to me but I would always say good morning or wish her a good day at work.  I stopped that all together now.  I'm so emotionally spent.  I'm trying to figure out my finances and she's running out to look at other apartments.  She is pressuring her lawyer to move things faster because she said she needs out ASAP.  I feel bad in some ways that I'm not trying to engage even a little, but I just don't have it in me anymore.  At night she always in front of the TV texting her married boyfriend even with the kids nearby.  It's so disrespectful. 
2 nights ago she writes an email (That's what my comms are with her) saying we need to put our differences aside for the sake of the kids to make this easier for them.  Amazing that she's tearing our family part, having an affair, not speaking to me, and I'm the one who needs to change.  I ignored the email.  I have been building my relationship with the kids through this.  That MLC brain can't comprehend the whole picture. 
I will tell you a funny story though.  My wife bought another phone from another phone carrier so she can continue her affair without any phone records that I could see.  She thought I knew nothing about it.  Well, the other day she left it out in the room she sleeps in and as I passed by her I said, "You left your secret boyfriend phone out and I would put it away before the kids start asking if they can have an iphone 14 like that".  She had no reply.  LOL

[OffRoad]

Having had a live in MLCer for 18 months myself, I think you will find that you will be able to get your bearings better with her gone, as long as she doesn't just keep "popping" in. You might want to change locks, just saying. I changed locked about a week after mine finally moved out, was it "legal" no, but he kept stealing joint property, so I was done. He monstered about calling the police and I said "Go Ahead". He didn't and I no longer felt crazy because I'd go to look for the waffle maker and it was gone.... BTW, he never made a waffle in his life.

Sorting everything out is exhausting. Finding the paperwork, getting dates and numbers and everything is so overwhelming. But again, one day at a time. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and eventually you will wake up one morning, everything that needed to be done will be done and it will start to look better. I am sure of it.

As to the "put our differences aside for the sake of the kids to make this easier for them", that translates to sweep it all under the rug and act like everything she did was just fine so she doesn't feel bad. Now, if you WANT to do that, fine.  But if you don't you are not obligated to. You can still be distant relative polite when she is around, "for the kid's sake".  I attended my D's college graduation 1 year after the divorce, 3000 miles across the country. XH was there. We stood on either side of her and she got pictures. We went to dinner with a group of people and I was at D's side and XH was halfway down the table. We never had to speak to each other at all. It's is amazing the conversations you can have with a group of people that include an X, and you never have to speak to the X or acknowledge their presence at all. If you didn't know better, it would almost look normal. D thanked me afterwards. She was very happy she could have pictures with both of her parents. Now, if OW had been there, would I have been so accommodating? Depends. And D knows that, and quite frankly at this point respects it (it was a long 9 years to get here). You will get differing advice from differing people here and elsewhere. All I want to say is you do you. Be true to yourself because you are who you have to live with for the rest of your life. But do whatever you do because it is right for you and your kids, not because the MLCer thinks you should.  JMO. And as always, your mileage may vary.

[Tailspin]

The absolute lack of rational thinking still appalls me to know end.  I know it's MLC and I shouldn't be shocked, but I still am.

Me too.  I have no idea where she got that idea from.  Although I think a divorced friend is trying to guide her.  Ughhhh

Sorting everything out is exhausting. Finding the paperwork, getting dates and numbers and everything is so overwhelming. But again, one day at a time. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and eventually you will wake up one morning, everything that needed to be done will be done and it will start to look better. I am sure of it.

As to the "put our differences aside for the sake of the kids to make this easier for them", that translates to sweep it all under the rug and act like everything she did was just fine so she doesn't feel bad. Now, if you WANT to do that, fine. 

Thanks for the advice.  Whenever she wants something lately, she uses the kids as the crutch.  I have learned to shut that down.  Only when I think it benefits them will I do it.  She still wants husband energy in all matters which is bizarre.  I do what is expected of me as a father, but the rest is hers now. 

[Tailspin]

As time is progressing here and my divorce moves forward, I feel guilty that I have lost any feelings towards my wife right now.  I guess her actions have made me colder in many ways and I just reached the end rope emotionally.  I don't want to feel like this, but she has destroyed me internally in so many ways.  I guess seeing her pour attention into her boyfriend is a major driver.  I think about all the penned letters I wrote her this year and how I poured out my heart and I never once heard back.  I think how scorned I feel that she just stopped talking to me.  While I know it's MLC it doesn't make the pain any less. 
I see FB memories come up and I remember all the great things we did in the fall and the trips we took.  Such fun times.  Now my wife just sees me as her future paycheck with alimony and child support.  She even told the kids "I'll get my life started when I get my money".  She never acted like this before. 
Don't mean to be such a downer but can't help feeling all the weight sometimes. 

[Reinventing]

Tailspin, this is a good/bad place to be. Good because it may make the business aspect of the divorce easier. Bad because the feelings of attachment and warmth are such a loss.

Watching someone who is routinely and actively engaging with an OM would be very, very hard. I could see losing feelings for someone with that happening.

It will get better--that much most of us can say. The divorce proceedings are very hard to go through with all the paperwork and knowing it's not what you wanted for your life.