[MadLuv]

We all have things either we recognize or not that from our past reflect in the way we handle things in our future. I also agree with others that we all go through a transition in life, but those that don't reflect go through a crisis. You are doing all the right things to move forward and grow. I don’t know about detaching l, but for me it was more a separation to clear my own mind and see things clearly. Once you do you  an’t ever go back to how you saw things before. I think many of us thought things were much better than they were. For me the trick is to not rewrite the history myself by focusing on all the damage done. It’s a careful balance and one that an IC definitely can help to keep you balanced on.

[Flummoxed]

Thanks, MadLuv! I feel like I’m on an similar path- absolutely no rewriting of history here, but rather putting the good experiences in a box and keeping my feet firmly planted in the present and focusing on my own next steps. We may have looked at the relationship with rose-colored glasses, but I do not believe it was bad at all- hence the shock, of course. But what is simply is- I’m working with the IC to process my past traumas and work on creating new positive memories and opportunities moving forward. I don’t talk about MLC in therapy since it doesn’t seem like most therapists believe in MLC and/or they disregard the possibility due to his age. So I’m using the time to just work on me and it’s been a great asset.

But congrats on D33’s big news! How exciting!

[Flummoxed]

Did anyone else have an MLCer who acted all cool, calm, and rational when approaching divorce proceedings? I feel like I’ve only read about Monster and cycling in this forum, but mine is acting like it’s in the best interest of both parties and is trying to minimize the time and cost spent.

[Tailspin]

Did anyone else have an MLCer who acted all cool, calm, and rational when approaching divorce proceedings? I feel like I’ve only read about Monster and cycling in this forum, but mine is acting like it’s in the best interest of both parties and is trying to minimize the time and cost spent.

My wife always tries to act calm and cool with all divorce related stuff because she's trying to get to me agree to things that she wants.  I learned this well after my lawyer told me always say "I hear you and I want to discuss this with my lawyer first".  This upsets my wife and realize whenever there is calm it's her up to something.  Just be careful.  MLC makes people very self-centered. 

[Flummoxed]

Thanks, Tailspin! Will try to approach it carefully as well. He’s acting relatively kind and as though BD was a tough little hurdle but he wants what’s best for me. It just pisses me off- he totally nuked our lives. But yeah, I’ll take heed and approach with caution.

[xyzcf]

Did anyone else have an MLCer who acted all cool, calm, and rational when approaching divorce proceedings? I feel like I’ve only read about Monster and cycling in this forum, but mine is acting like it’s in the best interest of both parties and is trying to minimize the time and cost spent.

Yes...there was not any emotions shown, no arguing or discussion...he actually came up with a plan that was to my benefit concerning my house without going through our lawyers...having said that, the total cost of this destruction was more than $50,000.

He was convinced that this is what he wanted...although we had a legal separation for 9 years and then one day he sent me a text message saying he'd filed for a divorce...no reasoning...that became final in 30 days I think...can't remember, don't want to. During those 9 years, we had contact with each other so at any time he could have talked to me in person about what he planned to do..very bizarre.

He also was not at the separation hearing...I attended that alone...his lawyer represented him and when the judge asked where Mr. xyzcf was, his lawyer said he would be representing him...the judge further asked if he would be available by phone and his lawyer replied no, he was working.

How I felt then, was that he did not even care enough to show up for court..how little I mattered!

However, I have since realized that what is logical to me is not logical to the MLCer...I could come up with all kinds of theories why he didn't show, none of which would be the right one because I am not in his head.

Every other couple that day in "divorce court" were there together..I had never heard of such a thing...but just add it to the craziness of MLC.

[Flummoxed]

Goodness, I’m so sorry, xyzcf- I understand you don’t want to dive into it and I am absolutely thankful that you are sharing this with me. That is incredibly brutal and I am so very sorry.

You’re right- it’s not going to make sense and maybe it shouldn’t because our minds just aren’t going to function that way. Hopefully, anyway. But what the actual hell?

I keep forgetting they’re lost in their own reality and have no idea which way is actually up. But here, in the real world, we somehow have to manage. I’m currently just working on tying up the loose ends and letting go of my rope so he can float on out and live how he thinks he wants to live.

[Flummoxed]

Just very irritated. He keeps wishing me peace and happiness. I can’t deal with the mind games- it sounds like the only answer is to cut everything off. But is that it?

He says he’s open to chatting because BD 2 was “rough”; seems pretty clear he has no idea the full extent of his actions, or perhaps he simply does not care other than to make it seem like he’s the good guy. I don’t know if there is any value in having a conversation outside of legal specifics at this point when he’s lied consistently for the past two years. Would there be any upside to having this conversation? Thanks!

[Treasur]

Only you know the answer to that, my friend - depends if you feel there are things you want to say or questions you want to ask. Usually it changes nothing and is a bit futile, can be quite upsetting. Why? Well bc you already know that you’re not on the same page and that he’s lied…so there’s that. I suspect you could probably have the convo as a role play and be pretty accurate about what he would say lol.

But you must do what feels best for you. And either way, it likely won’t make a big difference one way or the other, so that’s a plus.

Not all MLCers monster or disappear. Some cling and some do the ‘no big deal, surely we can be friends’ thing. Some even seem to conflate their feelings with yours…I feel x do you must feel x too. Which can be infuriating and feel a bit like putting your head in a blender. Some still want to have some control over how you feel and what you do next. Why? Put simply, it’s easier to understand if you accept the simple premise of their self-centredness….they will approach it in whatever way makes them feel more comfortable or avoid being uncomfortable. Does that make sense? It can be an extraordinary level of weird entitlement to witness, we know, but there are lots of different kinds of Me Me. Trust your own gut - how much of his behaviour genuinely feels that it is about concern or empathy for you?

Which brings me back to YOU. Your post is about how he feels and what he seems to want. Pshaw! If someone is blowing up my life and dividing me against my will, imho I am no longer obliged to give two hoots about their feelings or wants. Imho that’s the reality of being removed from someone’s life, right? So you approach it all in a way that feels like how you actually feel and what works for you….if you want to maintain some kind of friendship, fine. If you are interested in his opinion about what is best for you, fine. If not, also fine. And if what works for you isn’t how he wants you to feel or behave? Well, welcome to your world, right? He can deal with his feelings about that without your involvement just as you have had to do.

So, you do you and let his dice fall where they may.
What’s best for you right now?

[KayDee]

I was in a very similar situation to you not so long ago. My H wanted to meet regularly. Seemed all like Mister in Control. These meetings were, ostensibly, to catch up and see how I was doing (add your own emoji here). But in reality, it was always about him - and in person he was usually very emotional. He gravitated towards me like a lost boy to his mother. That's how it felt. I knew from the very start that he could do nothing FOR me while he was in crisis. I knew I didn't trust him with anything, especially not my feelings.  So for me, in the end, I didn't see the point in meeting with him, because I just absorbed all his pain and then he would continue to do $h!tety things, which would set me back. I think I healing kicked in when I let go of that extremely thick emotional rope. If he ever approaches me again with respect (and I will know it if/when I see it), I would be open to meet him. But not now.

About the coldness - yes. Absolutely. My first thread was titled something like 'cold behaviours'.  It was one of the hardest and most cutting things for me in the early days. I was a heap on the floor and he was seemed so ordered. But that was the furthest from the truth that you could get, it was all a front. FWIW, my H told me he was coldly formal like this because otherwise he got confused (read into that whatever). This behaviour bothered me for such a long time I went through it with my IC. She suggests that he is like this to 'protect himself' - as in he cuts off his emotions, disassociates from them (incl. his crap behaviour, which equals shame) and puts up a big old ice wall. Easier to focus on logistics and cling to Mister In Control persona, than actually acknowledge you are completely out of control, which is part and parcel of a crisis. I believe this is roughly true for my H. But, as the refrain goes here - Example of One.