[Helpnewc]

Thank you all.

Treasur you are right.

Hope is tenacious. I have this need for the loving, kind person to emerge in some way but you are right those expectations are unhelpful.

I will try and put them aside. They are unrealistic and artefact of a past that is now gone.

I have waited for some accountability for 2.5 years. I need to set that aside too.

I remember when this first started and I could not believe it could take so long. I now know that all the old hands are right. This thing takes years.


I will try to do better. It is all I can do.

[Treasur]

Please don’t feel that you have failed or that it’s a ‘do better’ thing. I’d bet that every single one of us here, me included, found that those expectations hung around for much much longer than we might ever have imagined. And it usually doesn’t help to beat yourself up when you already feel a bit beaten up by life or someone you loved. And tbh these ex/spouses don’t just no longer behave like the old version we expect, they often don’t behave in ways we expect normal reasonable adults to behave even adults who no longer want to be married to us. It’s reasonable to hold those expectations in normal life - it’s just that they stop working so well in these kinds of situations. The fault imho is not in having the expectations….it’s more about how we adapt eventually to cut our coats according to the cloth we experience.

Imho it’s not so much a do better - bc it really isn’t about us - it’s more of a do different. More about adapting to external change in our lives than correcting anything we’ve done wrong. You did not cause this, it isn’t your fault but you also can’t fix it. Only adjust to it - and tbh that’s hard too, at least initially. It’s a big life change and a big loss. Sometimes I think we hang on to hope bc the loss feels too big to swallow down in one gulp, so we do it in stages when we can. To do that, I think we have to kind of honour the grief we feel, find some way to accept the reality of the loss rather than waiting for it all to be unlost, if that makes sense. And that usually starts with small steps imho.

But there is nothing wrong with you that wasn’t also wrong with me and others here - life got blown up and we have to find our own way in our own time to adjust to that. To a different way of living. I remember it being a comfort to me that grief is the other side of love - that if what you’d had before had not mattered to you so much or been so significant in your life, it would all be so much easier, right?

[Helpnewc]

Thanks Treasur,

I am not beating myself up.

2.5 years later and I am still in shock.

The whole thing is bizarre. I will just keep on keeping on.

I appreciate your wisdom.

[Helpnewc]

My children have gone away with my wife for 8 days.

It is quite hard as she frowns on them contacting me so they don’t. The poor kids are in such a difficult position and I don’t blame them for not contacting me. But it is a long time to not hear from your kids and it is not a cruelty I would inflict.

I guess that is what I struggle with the most. My wife was always kind but she has now become very cruel. I do not recognise this new person. There are occasional bits of kindness but they are fleeting and rare.

You do learn through this process how weak many people are. Her parents say that the love me but they are too afraid to contact me.

The inability of some people to do hard things is striking.

Last night I went to a party where I only knew one person by myself. It was terrifying but I did it. I am not sure I will want to do it again in a hurry.

The damage to our sense of self is quite extraordinary. The way back from being gaslit into thinking you were the devil incarnate is challenging. But you slowly recover and realise you still have some value.


But the person you loved most attempting to destroy you is difficult and impossible to understand. But the trick for me has been to stop trying to understand and to merely accept.

[Flummoxed]

You do learn through this process how weak many people are. Her parents say that the love me but they are too afraid to contact me.

The inability of some people to do hard things is striking.

So unbelievably relatable, Helpnewc. I’m so sorry you’re going through this; please know you are not alone. It’s astounding to say the least, but it does not impact your worth at all. There are many who will simply go with the status quo because that is what makes them feel safe. That’s all it is (at least that’s what I’m telling myself).

Kudos on going to that party! It can be a lot, but you did it! Who knows, maybe next time you’ll be more open to trying again as you’ve conquered it already once before.

Remember that you do not have just some value- you have immense value. There is only one you in the universe; what a wonder you are. The MLCer tries to destroy you, but you’re living your life and embracing it. At the end of the day, they attack because they feel horrible about themselves (even if they don’t realize it). Don’t let anyone make you feel smaller than you are- you’re doing brilliantly.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

Just a different perspective on your situation,

The MLCer tries to destroy you, but you’re living your life and embracing it. At the end of the day, they attack because they feel horrible about themselves (even if they don’t realize it). Don’t let anyone make you feel smaller than you are- you’re doing brilliantly.

and

But the person you loved most attempting to destroy you is difficult and impossible to understand. But the trick for me has been to stop trying to understand and to merely accept.

The MLCer isn't trying to destroy your life- they are trying to destroy their life. You are just collateral damage. Since you are the biggest part of the MLCer's life, your are the biggest obstacle to be removed. Consider it a "life bankruptcy" or a restart to go back and remedy the traumas and issues that were in place long before you came along. Remember, she doesn't hate you- she despises what you represent, the very life she want to make disappear.

You can't fix this not can you explain it either. Friends and family can't explain either, but we've all been conditioned that there must have been something that the LBSer did to make the MLCer act this way. Same reasoning when a partner has an affair. Blame both parties and try your best to treat everyone fairly- whatever that means. Hard to rationalize the irrational isn't it?

The damage to our sense of self is quite extraordinary. The way back from being gaslit into thinking you were the devil incarnate is challenging. But you slowly recover and realise you still have some value.

Yes, that is why I feel that the MLCer has a journey to recover their self, and the LBSer's journey is one of recovery and moving forward. That's why you are here and you do post words of great value. Continue to post your story and know that one day, they will help someone else who needs your support.

Happy New Year,

(((Ready)))

[Flummoxed]

Ready, thank you for the clarification! You’re completely right; they don’t hate us- they hate themselves and we’re just collateral damage because of what we represent. Trying to remember this- it’s still painful but it’s definitely the perspective one needs to retain.

[Helpnewc]

The lies are hard. I know they are part of this.

I had not heard from my daughters for 6 days. This always happens when they are with my wife. She alleges she asks them to call and maybe she does. And they are kids. They get busy.

So I gently sent a message on our parenting app indicating that I had not heard from the girls and I instantly got back a strange message saying there was no service and despite there being no service she had been asking them to call. The two don’t go together.


And of course, they don’t ring when they have service.


I do struggle with it but realise that all I can do is keep doing the right thing with my girls when they have them and it does make me realise I have to keep pressing to get equal access given the lack of contact when they are away.


But it is hard. And strange. And nowhere I ever expected to be.

[Helpnewc]

Also I wanted to ask is it common for MLC people to be unable to deal with decisions and the reality of running away?

My wife just keeps kicking the can down the road and can’t face the consequences. She is desperate to believe that what she has done has no impact on our children’s well being.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

Also I wanted to ask is it common for MLC people to be unable to deal with decisions and the reality of running away?

My wife just keeps kicking the can down the road and can’t face the consequences. She is desperate to believe that what she has done has no impact on our children’s well being.

As I posted before, they don't care because they are seeking happiness. That's why they can empty out an entire life savings to have a fling with a loser and defend it by stating. "It's my time now." Any objections or confrontations by the LBSer, family, or friends simply means that the LBSer, who stands in the way of the MLCer's new life, has manipulated everyone against the MLCer. In fact, the MLCer will tell family and friends to either join her side or be out of the picture as well.

As far as kids? They just want Mommie happy and they will be just fine.

I am so sorry that you are in this situation and from what I have read, she has projected a lot on you and a lot of gaslighting as well. My ex said I was an "almost emotional abuser" and she was afraid that I would attack her on courtroom steps on the day our divorce was finalized. First of all, if any one was abused, it was me as she was having her affair in front of my face. When she told me about her court room fears, I calmly told her that I would never spend the rest of my life in jail over her. Kind of hurt her feelings, but the truth does hurt.

Final note, I spent over one year to get the court to sign our retirement separation order because she would not sign it at all. This benefitted her and had something happened to her or I, the entire retirement would have gone through probate. Even the judge was confused. After I finally got everything signed and notarized and submitted. My ex actually called me and thanked me. Really? She couldn't sign a document and have it notarized and sent back so she could take my retirement.  So just know I feel for you.

Just document everything and know that when the kids are with you or your ex, the other parent should some contact with the children and that trying to keep the kids from the parent could be seen as abusive and harmful to the children.

I do hope things get better for you,

(((Ready)))