[Treasur]

My second thought…
I am very sorry bc I must have come across as a big bucket of cold water on your head.

Looking from the cheap seats, I tend to think that once divorce paperwork has been filed, you are in a different ball game. The priorities change and you need to change your perspective along with that.

The kernel of the difference probably between ypur ‘wife’ and you is that, in her head, by filing she considers herself now to be ‘single’ (well, when it suits her lol) and you are still thinking of yourself as married to your wife. Is that fair? If so, that’s the bit that needs to shift imho….you don’t have to hate her, you don’t have to behave like a jerk but you probably do need to shuffle the pieces around in your head a bit. Like one of those old fashioned kaleidoscopes where you twist the end to make a different pattern.

Doing so does not remove the possibility of reconciliation down the line. In fact, the stronger and more  self sufficient and clear eyed you are helps  if that is how things play out bc reconciliation is not easy at all from stories here. (You might want to read Acorn’s threads if you haven’t already? Or a few others?) But it is true that most LBS end up divorced, most find themselves with a different perspective on it all after a couple of years and none of us can know what the future holds. So imho all we can do is the best we can with the facts currently available….and the biggest of those facts is that your wife has decided she no longer wants to be your wife and has filed for divorce, so dealing with that is necessary regardless of your current hopes.

What do you see as your priorities right now? What kind of ‘soon to be ex husband’ feels right to you? And what does your lawyer suggest you need to do to protect yourself the best you can?

[TheShore]

@Treasur

Thanks for the replies, truly appreciated.  No need to be sorry.

Some of my quick replies back:
- Served around 6/10, min 6 month cooling off period in my state because we have kids plus mediation plus court backup/delays, we're lookimg at somewhere into a quarter to halfway through 2026 if i had to guess, ugh...But she does have to file more paperwork/extention because it will go past a year from initial filing of 1/17.
- My laywer said not much I can do in this state, tough pill to swallow.  Now if STBXW (heh heh) brings AP in front of kids now, we can get an order in front of the judge to stop that.
- I was going to ask laywer if it makes sense to still gather evidence - lies + hidden funds - may help in mediation, idk...
- Priorities are kiddoz, me, detachment, keeping up getting a life activities, house, work, etc...
- I'm still standing, but just a big punch to the gut.  I'm still living in the basement and she hides in the bedroom upstairs 95% of the time at home.  Main floor is like no man's land.  I still use main floor to prep meals for myself and kids, but try to avoid contact / be a ghost, recommended by SS
- What do you think about this RCR vid: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=2Cw-2XMobws ?
- I think in general, I'm too hopeful / believe in people, but i understand the probability.

The beaches are very nice out here and thr seafood is amazing and so fresh.  Will come back again.

Thanks

[Treasur]

Well done on the STBXW! 😝

Yup, it’s a s&itshow, no doubt about it. I had a vanisher who ran away essentially - spent ages at the time feeling envious of folks who had live-in MLCers tbh bc I thought it improved the odds for put marriage but now I think it was a blessing in disguise.

By all means, ask your lawyer about further info bc laws on this stuff vary. Having said that, even in ‘fault’ areas, the courts don’t seem to care much about infidelity per se. But they might care about marital funds being spent. Varies a lot though - again jmo but probably more useful to separate your funds and debts as much as is possible anyway.

Have you talked to your lawyer about what you want re things like custody and ypur marital home? Or how you can legally protect yourself financially?

I suspect you’ll find that the legal process does not guarantee much in terms of exposure to ow/om with ypur kids unless they are deemed to be at serious risk. So that may need to be another thing that goes in the ‘beyond my control’ bucket. How much do your kids know about what is going on? Do they know your wife has filed, for instance, and that this means some big changes in how everyone lives in the next couple of years?

But I am very sorry. This is a tough time but it will not last forever and there can be a good life worth living on the other side of it.

[Treasur]

My thoughts on the video although I’m sure others will chip in. (And must confess i didn’t watch it all bc it’s all a long time ago for me!)

Fwiw I guess my take is a bit simple. What’s important is that YOU deal with the reality you see, that YOU call a duck a duck, that YOU choose what kind of relationship is acceptable to you or not. Why? Bc that is the path of healthy sanity and this stuff can make you feel a bit crazy and lead you to doubt your own judgement and instincts and values.

But, again jmo, one doesn’t have to involve others or negotiate their agreement to call a duck a duck. If it seems like a duck to you based on the currently available facts, you don’t need anyone else’s opinion…including your stbxw. They know what they’ve done or not done…no amount of Perry Mason like evidence changes that. And there are probably a bunch of things they know that you don’t. No amount of evidence or opinion will change that either. If you get into one of those gaslighting type conversations where they swear up is down? Don’t get sucked into it. Say something neutral like ‘well, we both know that’s not true’ or ‘we’ll have to accept we see things differently’ and walk away. If only bc it’s lightly insane to argue the details of something with a disordered person who you already know has lied to you. Consider the source is a pretty good life principle I’ve found! Good for keeping one’s own mental marbles in a bag anyway!

So, before acting (or reacting) consider what you are trying to achieve? What are you likely to gain? Why does that matter to you? And often you will probably find that saying nothing is not the same as doing nothing, that actions - hers and yours - are more important and more sane than any amount of words. If only bc what you are dealing with is not a Words problem but an Actions problem, right?

If the Actions change, you can change your mindset accordingly based on new facts, right?

Imho it takes a little time to get out of the habit of being part of a We where most of us normally discuss and listen and compromise. Right now, there is no We, just two Me’s, if that makes sense. And one of the Me’s does not care what the other one thinks or wants probably.

So, for most of us, the trick is to unhook from the We. Arguably our spouses have already done this so we are playing catch up! And the path towards that is usually a whole series of small bits of Me instead of We that slowly leads us to our own version of detachment. I can remember a whole host of them, a whole bunch of times when I had to almost train myself to NOT involve my then h and to not expect anything from him as I had in the past….big things like a cancer diagnosis, small things like news about a mutual friend or clearing out boxes of his stuff or fixing a broken lawnmower. 😜 in my case, I had a little phrase I’d repeat to myself, that ‘he does not care and he isn’t here’…my anti-We phrase lol. Other useful phrases are also available 😜

So, as a practical example, when you are looking through a No We lens, the question you first came here with - about the 4th July - would be pretty much a no brainer…there is no We, the shape of your ‘family’ is now different, ypur obligations are different and if you can’t imagine doing it in 5 years time as an ex-husband, why would you do it now. Or why would you expect an xw to buy you a birthday gift if your kids are old enough to organise that for themselves?

 It’s a mindset change….but you do control that. Although you don’t control how stbxw feels about that and often they don’t like it much! MLCers are a bit notorious for liking to have their cake and eating it when it suits, to feeling they are entitled to get what they don’t give! But it gets easier the more you do it and with time.

What are the bits of life that you have already Un-We’d? Which bits do you think you still need to Un-We?

[TheShore]

@Treasur

- Thx again for reply, I truly appreciate and enjoy the reply and depth of thought you put into it
- The status quo order basically says everything remains the same financially until the deed is done.  Her spending is surprisingly much more under control than in the past.  All finances go through me in the house.  I don't think she knows any of our account infomations really.  I'm very thorough when it comes to that, can track every penny and completely transparent when I submitted that info to the court (it will be a laugh to see what she submits)
- I know our CC wasn’t used to pay for the hotel (AP could of, cash, hidden account, who know)
- I really liked the unhook from we mindset…she does not care and she isn’t with us here in RI.  This will be my go to focus for the week.
- The only reason why I would bring up her stay at the hotel is just to show her that I don’t have stupid written on my forehead / she’s not that smart/sneaky - my self respect, at least for my piece of mind.
- In regards to “Un-We-ing”, obviously there are marital assets gained over time (mostly from my side) that will have to be split up equitably (not equally in my state, whatever that means, will find out).  I did bring in a bunch of assets into the marriage that I owned prior that we are claiming as separate.  We have the 2 kiddoz that can’t be un-we’ed.  No plans or anything scheduled to do things with her anymore.

[WHY]

I’m so sorry friend.  We understand.   We've all been there

Honestly.  Perhaps I'm in the minority here.  But I’m in the camp of its time to move on.  My biggest mistake was “holding on”.  Hoping to ride things out.  Perhaps see some change.   This was a massive mistake. 

Thing is.  The pain and mental torture endured during this period is what burned all the bridges for me.  Like look what you’re going through right now.  Do you think this makes reconciliation easier? 

I truly believe that LBS should get out the way as fast as possible and move on. And move forward.  The best shot at reconciliation at least IMO, is where there are still bridges left.  And the best shot to keep those bridges in tact is to complete disconnect and gtfo the way….  So you stay out of her orbit so she doesn’t destroy and consume everything around her.   The longer you’re in her orbit.  The more she will swallow and lay waste to. It’s just not worth it. 

And I know it seems scary.  But that’s when your own healing and real work can begin.  But not while you’re in constant flight or fight and suffering never ending mental torture IMO.  Day after day.   It just does not get better anytime soon.  And it causes real damage to LBS. 

So yeah.  My advice.  Build a new life and move on.  She’ll be there in the back.  Watching from a distance.  And maybe a chance for recon will happen at some point in the future.  Maybe not.  But at least you’ll be ok. And be true to yourself. 

Onward!

[TheShore]

I’m so sorry friend.  We understand.   We've all been there

Honestly.  Perhaps I'm in the minority here.  But I’m in the camp of its time to move on.  My biggest mistake was “holding on”.  Hoping to ride things out.  Perhaps see some change.   This was a massive mistake. 

Thing is.  The pain and mental torture endured during this period is what burned all the bridges for me.  Like look what you’re going through right now.  Do you think this makes reconciliation easier? 

I truly believe that LBS should get out the way as fast as possible and move on. And move forward.  The best shot at reconciliation at least IMO, is where there are still bridges left.  And the best shot to keep those bridges in tact is to complete disconnect and gtfo the way….  So you stay out of her orbit so she doesn’t destroy and consume everything around her.   The longer you’re in her orbit.  The more she will swallow and lay waste to. It’s just not worth it. 

And I know it seems scary.  But that’s when your own healing and real work can begin.  But not while you’re in constant flight or fight and suffering never ending mental torture IMO.  Day after day.   It just does not get better anytime soon.  And it causes real damage to LBS. 

So yeah.  My advice.  Build a new life and move on.  She’ll be there in the back.  Watching from a distance.  And maybe a chance for recon will happen at some point in the future.  Maybe not.  But at least you’ll be ok. And be true to yourself. 

Onward!

@WHY,

Thanks for the advice and words of encouragement. 

For my detachment mindset, I will be adding your “stay out of her orbit” and “gtfo of the way” sayings to my list 

If I can truly be detached, it won’t matter when we pass by in the house, she’s just the roommate that I don’t know.

[TheShore]

I’m so sorry friend.  We understand.   We've all been there

Honestly.  Perhaps I'm in the minority here.  But I’m in the camp of its time to move on.  My biggest mistake was “holding on”.  Hoping to ride things out.  Perhaps see some change.   This was a massive mistake. 

Thing is.  The pain and mental torture endured during this period is what burned all the bridges for me.  Like look what you’re going through right now.  Do you think this makes reconciliation easier? 

I truly believe that LBS should get out the way as fast as possible and move on. And move forward.  The best shot at reconciliation at least IMO, is where there are still bridges left.  And the best shot to keep those bridges in tact is to complete disconnect and gtfo the way….  So you stay out of her orbit so she doesn’t destroy and consume everything around her.   The longer you’re in her orbit.  The more she will swallow and lay waste to. It’s just not worth it. 

And I know it seems scary.  But that’s when your own healing and real work can begin.  But not while you’re in constant flight or fight and suffering never ending mental torture IMO.  Day after day.   It just does not get better anytime soon.  And it causes real damage to LBS. 

So yeah.  My advice.  Build a new life and move on.  She’ll be there in the back.  Watching from a distance.  And maybe a chance for recon will happen at some point in the future.  Maybe not.  But at least you’ll be ok. And be true to yourself. 

Onward!

@WHY,

Thanks for the advice and words of encouragement. 

For my detachment mindset, I will be adding your “stay out of her orbit” and “gtfo of the way” sayings to my list 

If I can truly be detached, it won’t matter when we pass by in the house, she’s just the roommate that I don’t know.

One last comment… moving on is slightly difficult in a sense that people want/need other people sometimes (or at lest for me).  I WANT to have a mate/partner.  Flying solo until D gets a little lonely every now and then.

[Treasur]

I’m so sorry friend.  We understand.   We've all been there

Honestly.  Perhaps I'm in the minority here.  But I’m in the camp of its time to move on.  My biggest mistake was “holding on”.  Hoping to ride things out.  Perhaps see some change.   This was a massive mistake. 

Thing is.  The pain and mental torture endured during this period is what burned all the bridges for me.  Like look what you’re going through right now.  Do you think this makes reconciliation easier? 

I truly believe that LBS should get out the way as fast as possible and move on. And move forward.  The best shot at reconciliation at least IMO, is where there are still bridges left.  And the best shot to keep those bridges in tact is to complete disconnect and gtfo the way….  So you stay out of her orbit so she doesn’t destroy and consume everything around her.   The longer you’re in her orbit.  The more she will swallow and lay waste to. It’s just not worth it. 

And I know it seems scary.  But that’s when your own healing and real work can begin.  But not while you’re in constant flight or fight and suffering never ending mental torture IMO.  Day after day.   It just does not get better anytime soon.  And it causes real damage to LBS. 

So yeah.  My advice.  Build a new life and move on.  She’ll be there in the back.  Watching from a distance.  And maybe a chance for recon will happen at some point in the future.  Maybe not.  But at least you’ll be ok. And be true to yourself. 

Onward!

@WHY,

Thanks for the advice and words of encouragement. 

For my detachment mindset, I will be adding your “stay out of her orbit” and “gtfo of the way” sayings to my list 

If I can truly be detached, it won’t matter when we pass by in the house, she’s just the roommate that I don’t know.

One last comment… moving on is slightly difficult in a sense that people want/need other people sometimes (or at lest for me).  I WANT to have a mate/partner.  Flying solo until D gets a little lonely every now and then.

Normal to feel a bit lonely sometimes. Loneliness won’t kill you though and it can be a good opportunity to see who you are now without a partner. And you are vulnerable to picking poorly  right now and doing so will not improve you or your kids lives atm, you have enough on your plate, hence my advice to steer clear of the temptation of very appealing ladies who make you feel better - at least for a while 😝

[forthetrees]

One of my mantras was, "I will not get sucked into your eddy of despair."