[Music45]

New thread time.

Brief recap.
BD in 2016 brought about by huge stress at work.

OW: old school friend. With his counsellor he worked out that he was attached to the feelings he had at her parents house when growing up: of acceptance and safety - things he didn't feel at home. In his MLC state he was seeking out that feeling again but misplaced it with an affair with her. On/off on/off through these past 5 years.

He's wanted back in the marriage several times. Mostly in the first 18 months or so. Then he went off almost completely (bit of contact as he's a clinger but didn't seem him very much).

Past 18 months +: his father died. That brought about a change in him. Got a new job which he loves. Gradually being around more. Back doing things around the house etc.

May - July 2021: around a lot still but backing off. His Mum was in hospital for a week, stress at work. Other things happened. Felt the stress build up in him again.
End of July: I asked him about this. He admitted he was in contact with OW. So boundary crossed: I said I cant be his friend.
No contact since.

That's a very brief snapshot of him.

Me. Standing. Or was. Not sure right now.

My adult kids are (separately) both moving out very soon and I will need to move to somewhere smaller.
Big changes coming and i feel unsettled. I know I'll be fine once we get them sorted and I know where I'll end up but I cant deny I'm feeling a bit sad with it all at the moment.

Need to get my mojo back.


Old thread:
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10954.new#new

[Thunder]

Following along, Music!

[Curiosity]

Coming along with you to this thread, Music!

[FaithWalker]

Attaching

[rosetintedglasses]

Good update Music.

Understandable that you feel sad with all this change on the horizon.

Yours sadness is grief and is the right emotion. Your mojo is still around, you’ll get it back.

Sending you a hug
Rose 🌹

[Gracie3]

I’m sorry Music. Be kind to yourself. Sending much love your way!

[One day at a time]

Just thought I would come and journal a bit and try to get my head in order because right now, I don't even fully understand how I feel..

The good news is that the house is finally mine.. After over 3 years of uncertainty, the bank finally confirmed H has been removed from the mortgage and title deeds are in the process of being updated. It's great and a relief but I can't say I actually feel happy, I just feel meh and I don't understand why... Over the last few months I have made a lot of changes in the house, it really looks so much nicer and homey than when H was here but it feels like something is missing.. It's hard to put my finger on it.

The other news is that divorce is filed and pretty much aligns with the separation agreement H and I put in place nearly 3 years ago. The only issue I have with it is that the rented property is still owned by both of us and there doesn't seem to be much effort from his side to get that finalised. The bank won't agree to remove me from the mortgage as H is out of the country and he doesn't want to sell..  Divorce won't be final for a long time yet as things move very slow in this country but I would like to have absolutely everything done and dusted when it gets to the point where I sign the dotted line. I just feel I need to cut all ties. Not because I hate him or anything like that but this limbo is not allowing me to really move forward with my life. I feel stuck in this MLC story that will never end and I seem to be going backwards for the last couple of months.

There hasn't been any contact and I haven't heard anything about him so I have no idea what he's up to. He has truly become a vanisher and part of me still struggles to comprehend how someone who was the most important person in my life for so many years can simply walk away and not look back. I can't get over the betrayal and the abandonment and while it's been a long time since I hit rock bottom and I felt my life was meaningless without him, the wounds are still there and I don't think they will ever heal. This thought worries me as it makes me wonder if I will ever feel safe and content in a relationship again.

And that brings me to what's bothering me the most... My relationship with B. I actually can see in myself a lot of what I saw in H between BD1 and BD2.. I feel down, I don't feel fulfilled in the relationship, I don't feel the connection we once had.. Life has become a routine without much joy in it and I started to resent him... And dare I say, it feels like the only way to "do the right thing for me" is to end the relationship... Does that sound familiar? It scares me to even write this as this is the first time I'm allowing myself to express how I really feel...

The problem I have is that having had the experience I had with H, it makes me question why I feel this way. Am I having my own MLC? Am I depressed and still dealing with the grief of my marriage ending? Or is it really a matter of B and I not being suited to each other? I don't have the history with B, we are together just shy of 2 years, most of our relationship has been during the pandemic so life hasn't been "normal"... I'm not rewriting years of history because those years weren't there... I just know that right now, sometimes I look at him and I don't like what I see. I have tried talking to him about it but his own wounds don't allow him to have a meaningful conversation about it so nothing gets resolved.... But the worst part is that I don't want to be like H... I don't want to hurt or abandon B but I can't ignore what I feel either.. I'm spinning at the moment.. Maybe this is something I needed to get through to make peace with why H left, a sort of life lesson, idk... I just don't know how to get myself out of it.

Sorry for the rambling... It got a lot of tears and anguish out of me to write this down so I guess that's good... I still feel this is the only place where I can come and be truly honest..

[forthetrees]

A few thoughts in no particular order:

Kahil Gibran quote: The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. 
My take on that is don´t despair, you are processing the emotional sweeping to make room for the joy to enter.

In terms of B, please read some of what Helen Fisher, a researcher on the biology of love, has written regarding romantic relationships. There is about a 18-24 month neurochemically driven phase and then when the "happy" chemicals subside, there is reality. It´s also well worth watching some Esther Perel videos or listening to her podcast- bottom line is that without some novelty in your relationship, trouble brews. We are in remarkable times with Covid, so tap into your creative side to find novelty outside of what was possible with no travel restrictions.

Hang in there,
FTT

Kudos for doing all the house mortgage and deed paperwork.

I get that feeling of not being able to grasp how someone so important could completely vanish, but it gets less prominent over time- like a note that carries on for a long time with far less volume. For me the wounds have taken time to heal and I´m still working on being a fully trusting person again.

[MadLuv]

One Day-

Congrats on the house!!! That is a huge step and one I am in the process of as well. On your relationship with B what really stuck out to me is that you feel the communication aspect isnt there. I know for me after everything that happened with my XH that is the  one thing I will not compromise on.

I no longer want to have the same conversation due to things never getting resolved. Me doing all the talking and in the end I am talking at someone instead of talking with someone. Maybe he was meant to be in your life to get you to the next phase.

Some people are just meant to be a season in our lives. Also, on your H. Isn't that the million dollar question. What happened??? How did we get here? Then I realized it really is all about them. Internal struggles that were there that just finally surfaced in the worst way. They are lost. They will continue to be lost until they decide to do the work. What I do know is my XH is miserable!! He hates himself now. It has NOTHING to do with me. We really are just casualties in their fight with themselves.

[Curiosity]

One day, I have no advice to give other than to second the great things that have already been shared here. You are absolutely safe here to explore all of the feelings you’re having. And I think the main difference between what you’re doing and what happens in MLC is that you are examining this and exploring the underlying reasons; you tried to talk to B, and beyond that you are aware of the reasons he can’t talk about things effectively. MLCers tend to just blow it all up - they don’t really have awareness of how much damage they’re causing or necessarily care how people other than themselves are affected.

There’s no clear right answer; sometimes relationships aren’t forever, but on the other hand, you are at that two year mark, which can be an inflection point. The best thing you can do is exactly what you’re doing - examine, consider, search within yourself, and then honor the truth of what you find.