[Tailspin]

I know people will tell me to let it all go because my mlcer spouse died but I’m trying to understand the mlc so I can move forward and heal. I’m seeing things I don’t want to see now that hes gone and I’m left with the mess to clean up.

Allie, My healing got much better when I accepted that what they did was no fault of my own and their problem.  I know it sounds easier said than done.  I realized I was never going to make sense of why my wife stopped talking to me, cheated, and left.  My brain was looking for a reason and I finally realized nothing was going to explain it.  I sat in the sadness for a long time till I realized that life goes on and the world is a big place.  Try to look past the logic of it all because there is none to be found.  In my case my wife was a dismissive avoidant and was overwhelmed.  No excuses for her behavior.  Folks are cruel and MLC makes people do awful things.  I stopped trying to figure out the whys and just started living my life again with my family and friends. 

[Helpnewc]

I do agree with Tailspin.

Something that helped me was our Prime Minister in Australia who spoke about his marriage ending suddenly. He was blindsided like most of us and said:

She certainly had a right to make that decision. I didn't understand it, and I needed to stop trying to understand it, if you like, and accept it,"

I spent a lot of time trying to understand it. But it is entirely impossible to. My wife withdrew, stopped talking and collapsed. In the end, I wasted so much time trying to understand what happened but my life started getting better when I focused on acceptance.

It was not easy. But my energy focused on acceptance achieved something and my energy focused on understanding did not.

I got stuck on why does anyone choose this. But I suspect for them there was no choice.

[AllieKat]

I understand but I think his death makes it harder. Im still the wife but now the widow so its like grief all over again or maybe it never stopped. So instead of just being hurt I was blindsided and left now its those plus he died tragically. I feel like just stopping isn’t helping me either. Maybe its just time I need but at this point I just cant imagine loving anyone lime I did him for 24 years

[zartheit]

I understand but I think his death makes it harder. Im still the wife but now the widow so its like grief all over again or maybe it never stopped. So instead of just being hurt I was blindsided and left now its those plus he died tragically.

It does. All of these land likes blows and each one further complicates your experience. Can you be upset? Are you allowed to be mad? Does it undermine the sorrow, and the loss? How does the complete mindfiretruck of it factor in? Is the remembered joy undermined by the blindsiding? And where does this level of complete bafflement come in?

at this point I just cant imagine loving anyone lime I did him for 24 years

Don't give oxygen to that side of your imagination. That framework has co-opted a string of events into a net that you are now trapped inside of. You've essentially thought yourself into feeling that you are cut-off from love, joy, and happiness. While that may feel true, you will not feel like this forever. I can guarantee that you will not feel like this forever.

You are grieving. Your grief is immense. For me (and I imagine for you as well) it was fractal, seemingly boundless and without any handholds. It tumbled into and ran over me. But as overpowering as it was, I could still feel the warmth of the sun on my face, or the subtleness of the tea on my tongue, or the cool of the forest. I enjoyed peeling an orange, seeing it spritz the air before then smelling it. I listened to dirges, solo pianists, and ambient music and sobbed until my chest felt like I had been working out, and also somehow felt gratitude for the music being able to hold me so effectively. All of these feelings somehow co-existed. There was space for everything and everything in its own place. This is not to minimize the loss but instead an effort to help you recognize your ability sit with it, in it, as it.