[Tailspin]

I know people will tell me to let it all go because my mlcer spouse died but I’m trying to understand the mlc so I can move forward and heal. I’m seeing things I don’t want to see now that hes gone and I’m left with the mess to clean up.

Allie, My healing got much better when I accepted that what they did was no fault of my own and their problem.  I know it sounds easier said than done.  I realized I was never going to make sense of why my wife stopped talking to me, cheated, and left.  My brain was looking for a reason and I finally realized nothing was going to explain it.  I sat in the sadness for a long time till I realized that life goes on and the world is a big place.  Try to look past the logic of it all because there is none to be found.  In my case my wife was a dismissive avoidant and was overwhelmed.  No excuses for her behavior.  Folks are cruel and MLC makes people do awful things.  I stopped trying to figure out the whys and just started living my life again with my family and friends. 

[Helpnewc]

I do agree with Tailspin.

Something that helped me was our Prime Minister in Australia who spoke about his marriage ending suddenly. He was blindsided like most of us and said:

She certainly had a right to make that decision. I didn't understand it, and I needed to stop trying to understand it, if you like, and accept it,"

I spent a lot of time trying to understand it. But it is entirely impossible to. My wife withdrew, stopped talking and collapsed. In the end, I wasted so much time trying to understand what happened but my life started getting better when I focused on acceptance.

It was not easy. But my energy focused on acceptance achieved something and my energy focused on understanding did not.

I got stuck on why does anyone choose this. But I suspect for them there was no choice.

[AllieKat]

I understand but I think his death makes it harder. Im still the wife but now the widow so its like grief all over again or maybe it never stopped. So instead of just being hurt I was blindsided and left now its those plus he died tragically. I feel like just stopping isn’t helping me either. Maybe its just time I need but at this point I just cant imagine loving anyone lime I did him for 24 years

[zartheit]

I understand but I think his death makes it harder. Im still the wife but now the widow so its like grief all over again or maybe it never stopped. So instead of just being hurt I was blindsided and left now its those plus he died tragically.

It does. All of these land likes blows and each one further complicates your experience. Can you be upset? Are you allowed to be mad? Does it undermine the sorrow, and the loss? How does the complete mindfiretruck of it factor in? Is the remembered joy undermined by the blindsiding? And where does this level of complete bafflement come in?

at this point I just cant imagine loving anyone lime I did him for 24 years

Don't give oxygen to that side of your imagination. That framework has co-opted a string of events into a net that you are now trapped inside of. You've essentially thought yourself into feeling that you are cut-off from love, joy, and happiness. While that may feel true, you will not feel like this forever. I can guarantee that you will not feel like this forever.

You are grieving. Your grief is immense. For me (and I imagine for you as well) it was fractal, seemingly boundless and without any handholds. It tumbled into and ran over me. But as overpowering as it was, I could still feel the warmth of the sun on my face, or the subtleness of the tea on my tongue, or the cool of the forest. I enjoyed peeling an orange, seeing it spritz the air before then smelling it. I listened to dirges, solo pianists, and ambient music and sobbed until my chest felt like I had been working out, and also somehow felt gratitude for the music being able to hold me so effectively. All of these feelings somehow co-existed. There was space for everything and everything in its own place. This is not to minimize the loss but instead an effort to help you recognize your ability sit with it, in it, as it.

[Standing Strong]

Hi Allie,

I'm sorry you have so much on your plate....... here is my 2 cents 

It's so easy for the LBS to forget that their MLC'er is a broken person. Broken. Not fully functional, not partially functional. Broken. No function.
We want to see what we loved, and wonder "where are they?", "will they come back?", "I want one more glimpse of them - the person I loved".
In your case - he passed away before you could even see if he could put himself back together. That is tragic, heck, MLC itself is tragic.

The truth is, no matter if he would have been able to reconstitute himself or not, the exact man you knew was gone the moment he broke.
That is one of the bitter things we discover as LBS: That person, that personality, that unique fingerprint we knew is finished. It will never be THAT person ever again. They have changed from damage - and we change from that same damage.

What I would say is: You loved that man for 24 years........ you were his, and he was yours. It was completely and totally real. No question.
The break which is MLC produces something else, someone else.
When you look at all he did towards the end - that isn't the man you knew, is it? No it isn't. I'm sure the earlier version would be aghast if he could have looked and seen the later version.
So you see, you had the best, you had his best, and he had yours....... that was your time, and that was love.

You aren't saying goodbye to the broken human, you're saying goodbye to the husband you remember, and loved.
That's why it's so hard. That's why it's so difficult to let go.

Here is your comfort: You remember HIM. You are the only one who does and will, in the way you knew him.
Like an album of pictures, so is your life. You get to take out the photos of him at the end, because those were the broken human.
Look at the good years, the good times, and all you were blessed with....... and smile.
After a time, you will close that book and put it on the coffee table. A while later it'll be on the bookshelf.

New pictures will be made and placed in that book of your life, but always you will be the keeper of memories. There is no reason to honor the broken human, but there's every reason to remember the person from before. 

Take care sweet AllieKat,

-SS