[Dragonfly33]

Thank you Nas and Ursa.
I agree with you both. It could be that those dreams were a result of the things I told myself but deep inside I am still not fully out of those emotions. I always tell myself I don't care about my xh anymore and I don't feel anything for him anymore, partly because I want to move on and so I convinced myself he doesn't matter anymore. Those repressed feelings emotions come out in a dream. Or as Ursa said, it could be some residual emotions that I haven't totally gotten rid of. But what I am sure of is that my mind and body are still not over processing all the things that MLC brought in my life. Once in a while I imagine this conversation with  like some sort of a closure where I can pour everything to him. But I don't wait for the dialogue to come, and I am more than convinced that it may never come. It could be part of my healing process to say in my mind what I've been wanting to tell him. It is quite a long journey.

[Reinventing]

I wonder if, to some extent, this is not fully resolved even with many years. It does get much much better, but the injustice of it all that the LBS feels may not completely be closed. Even wirh understanding the MLC forces, moving forward, healing, happiness in life moving forward, I think a little piece remains unresolved and I wonder if that remains for many folks.

Just like remembering things from life that were not like we think they should have been that we remember. We mostly don't want to address those, but we don't forget them and they come to mind from time to time. And this was a big one, so likely to take much longer to get to a low or very low level of needing resolving (e.g. detachment and acceptance).

[Dragonfly33]

Goos point their reinventing. It makes me wonder too. It’s been 7 years going on 8 since BD and some of those pains inflicted on me have not been totally resolved yet. There are times though seldom that I get reminded and it still makes me angry. And there are times, especially when I see how sweet he is with whoever is with now, where it still affects me and makes me question if there was really something wrong with me. I have to be honest that I still have those feelings. I don’t play the victim role here but I still do have those feelings of being betrayed. I don’t cry anymore or sulk but they do come like being poured with cold water. I think this will probably remain in me, probably one of the cruelest effect of having been cheated or betrayed. Perhaps if you are in a new relationship, you’d forget about it. Only time can tell.

[xyzcf]

"It’s been 7 years going on 8 since BD and some of those pains inflicted on me have not been totally resolved yet. "

There are actual physiological and neurological reasons that cause us to remember and feel pain for the loss that we have experienced. The connection we had with our spouse has actual neural connections in our brains. We cannot force ourselves to "forget" them totally and the hurt can remain. Our brains have to reorganize after loss, rebuild and reconstruct.

I have been doing a great deal of reading about the neurology of loss. If you have a facebook account, search "Beyond with Kelson".  There are references to research that explains the biological effects on the brain on heartbreak, grief, loss, attachment, betrayal. It has helped me to understand my own response, both to the trauma of his leaving our marriage and to his recent death.

I cannot force myself to heal or forget him. The memories are still there  and can come upon us without warning. A song, an anniversary, interactions with others who knew him, a piece of mail that arrrives in his name......

"The love that continues after a loss is not a problem to be resolved. It is the most honest evidence available of what was genuinely real. The neural architecture it built in you is real. Because what was genuinely built between two people cannot be unbuilt because one of them is no longer there to hold the other end of it".

It is far more complicated that he/she left..get over it. Move on. Forget them.

Acceptance of this can open pathways towards healing. But, the reality of the trauma that we have experienced remains.

It really seems unfair, that they go on to live their lives seemingly unaffected by the break in our relationships, the destruction of our family and the lives we once were so sure of.

I agree with reinventing " we don't forget them and they come to mind from time to time. And this was a big one, so likely to take much longer to get to a low or very low level of needing resolving (e.g. detachment and acceptance)."

It is good dragonfly to remind us, that it is normal for us to still have thoughts and feelings that can be quite disturbing. Thanks for your post.

At the same time, we also can heal, reconstruct things neurologically, so that we can move forward and enjoy life and find peace once again.