[Dontgiveup]

Perhaps we do have to own our part in causing this.

Depends on what you are referring to by causing "this".  Marriage "this"....sure.  MLC "this"....no.  You are not the cause of someone else's midlife crisis.

[Thundarr]

Speaking for myself only, I certainly didn't help things in many ways.  There is a fine line between being righteous and being self-righteous, and perhaps I was at the least a contributing factor. 

[Dontgiveup]

Thundarr

I usually include an article reference to what I am referring to.....and I should have done that in my last post.

From Midlife Crisis Takes Time.
Maybe you were too controlling, complained all the time, addicted to sex, porn, alcohol etc. Look within yourself and change for yourself. But please understand that no matter how great or small your flaws and transgressions, they are not the cause of someone else's Midlife Crisis.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

But DGU, you are missing the point. We all know that we did not cause the crisis. However, the crisis is thrust upon us and our MLCer is no longer the person that we know.

Thundarr, you keep self-reflecting and looking at YOURSELF! You made an amazing assessment of yourself. When you accept your own flaws and issues, then you can start to pave the way for both you and your wife.

Release the anger in your heart and the pain that you are suffering.

Look back at your posts- one year ago, you thought you had just finished climbing Mt. Everest. You finished school, planted you flag on the summit and felt that life was going to be great. Then bam! you realized that you had not finished climbing and the peak was even higher than you ever imagined.

You have felt robbed and that the culprit is your wife. Of course you are angry. I am angry. But as I have stated before, accept your anger and then you can release it.

This has nothing to do with MLC, but everything to do with you as a man and as a person. Now, use this KNOWLEDGE that you possess and use it when you post.

I really think you come so far.....keep going, I know you can do it.

[Dontgiveup]

Ready

Not all LBS are certain they are not the cause of their spouse's crisis.

In his post, Thundarr used the word "cause", which is what my initial response was for.  I know more than one LBS who has said this or something similar....."what was so horrible about me that he left?"  That is what I am addressing in regard to MLC.

[Thundarr]

DGU and Ready,

You are both correct.  I should have not used the word "causing" as I did and it was in reference to the article.  I still own my own flaws and plan on researching how to overcome them.  That is something we all likely need to do if we wish for an R.

One point we should consider, and DGU might disagree, is that while all of us on here are LBSers all of our spouses aren't necessarily in MLC.  The advice in the article should be followed either way even though the odds of an R would be different based on the circumstances.  I don't mean to speak in absolutes but rather general observations.

[Dontgiveup]

One point we should consider, and DGU might disagree, is that while all of us on here are LBSers all of our spouses aren't necessarily in MLC.  The advice in the article should be followed either way even though the odds of an R would be different based on the circumstances.  I don't mean to speak in absolutes but rather general observations.

Thundarr

I agree with you on both those things.

I am a believer in working on the Self.  It's part of the growth and maturation process of the LBS.  However, I am not one who asks my MLCer is she has noticed any changes in me.  That may fall under the categories of pursuit and/or manipulation.

[StandandDeliver]

I think that it is really important to self-reflect no matter where we are on this journey. Did I cause my ex's MLC? No. Did some of my behaviours and reactions exacerbate it? Yes, I think so. But it is a little bit "which came first the chicken or the egg" with this one. Was I always controlling? Not generally, but when I feel backed into a corner, or when I feel fear or when I am feeling insecure, yes. And that is something I need to be aware of for my own future relationships. I actually think this relationship counsellor is surprisingly good and insightful. If you look at his website he has some very interesting videos on infidelity, saving marriages, and even on how to start dating again after being in a long term relationship or being single for a long time. One of his points is that like attracts like. So if we are desperate and needy we attract someone desperate and needy. Which increases the chances of a failed relationship. If we are strong and secure and have worked through our FOO issues and previous relationship issues, then we are more likely to attract the right sort of person to provide a stable and equal relationship.
He also is very against game playing and other "methods" of dating. I think he makes some valid points because I can relate to the woman's self-righteous anger. I have felt it. But it is not helpful for anyone and will not make her ex come home. It will also not make her happy. When I feel most angry (and self-righteous) I also feel most out of control. And that is when I am at my most controlling.

What the unfaithful person did was wrong and cruel, but infidelity does not totally invalidate their own perspectives about the marriages and about our faults as LBS's. I wish that my ex had been less cowardly, but I also wish I could have been more open to his dissatisfaction and unhappiness, EVEN if it did not make sense to me. My marriage is over and so is my stand, but I am taking some valuable lessons and insights forward into my next chapter with me.

Sometimes being right is overrated. Being compassionate and kind serve us much better.

[WarriorPriestess]

I agree with RCR on this one.  The wife is angry, blaming, and placing the responsibility for her own happiness on her husband.  Who the heck wants to be around a person like that?!  Yuck!   

Whether his behavior is right or wrong (and I certainly do not agree with the fact that he had an affair), she can't "make" him feel or act a certain way.  But she keeps trying to do so.  She is defensive and making excuses about her own issues, yet making no allowances for her husband.  Her letter comes across more as a need to justify her own point of view than a sincere request for advice.  I agree with Ask Andrew's analysis.  She has plenty of work she can do on herself, and her energy will be much better expended there as well. 

I've been there, I get it.  Being SOOOO angry and frustrated that "he just won't do what I want."  That attitude is a dead end, in relationships and in life in general.  Once I was able to finally let go of the fact that I have no control over anyone but myself, life became so much better.  WE CAN'T CONTROL OUR SPOUSES.  And we should stop trying to do so.  The wife can choose to remain angry and bitter about her husband's actions, or she can choose to take this as an opportunity to really look at herself, her own attitudes and beliefs, and her own actions in life.  Her happiness and state of mind is entirely up to her.  It really is.

Great article!  Thanks for sharing Magpie.  It really reinforces the lessons I have been learning on my own throughout this process. 

[Trustandlove]

I'm going to disagree here; that letter from that wife looked to me like something someone might post here as a first post -- before they knew much.  I DO see MLC in what she says about her H, yes of course I see the controlling, fingerwagging behaviours, but so many of us do that at the beginning -- I, too, remember thinking that I just didn't have a choice with the amount of time the children took in my sitch, and yes, I, too, understood that it was temporary, even if temporary was a long time.  And I, too, thought that so much was "just the way it had to be" while the children were at the stage they were, etc.  Now I did certainly take the "what do we need to do to fix it" attitude, but I don't see that she isn't doing that, I see that she is floundering, not understanding what is going on at all. 

And truthfully, there is so little information here that it's hard to argue. 

The other thing that I don't see is any indication from Andrew that he at all gets MLC; in fact it seems the opposite -- and he quite glibly to my mind says that she can "turn it around".   (S&D, I haven't looked at that site, so maybe am not so well informed...)

I'm not at all saying that she doesn't need to do mirror work, quite the opposite, but I wouldln't be so quick to condemn her.