[OldPilot]

And, New York passed a "no fault" divorce law - making this the law in all 50 states.

Yup it did and I will be able to thank the lawmakers here for my divorce as my wife waited until the law went into effect to file.

[unbroken]

Fighting to save your marriage and fighting not to get divorced are two different things and I think she had her focus on the wrong one.  She needed this website.

[Trustandlove]

For her, yes -- it wasn't 'paving the way'. 

but I think she makes an important point.  Where divorce is more difficult it makes it more in everyone's interest to not see that as the quick fix. 

Now she may not have done herself and her marriage any immediate favours, but I agree with her point about standing up for a principle (as opposed to standing as we here define it).  The other side of that coin is of course also understanding the importance of marriage vows.  It all goes together.  the simplistic way to put this is that it marriage is harder to get out of perhaps people will think more carefully about what it means to go into it. 

So that's a different angle than we talk about here. 

[unbroken]

Totally agree and have said that to many during my journey.  Many people give up too easily.
I remain shocked at how quickly and easily people can get divorced in the US.

[StandandDeliver]

I think that both length of marriage and whether there are children should be considered in determining how quickly a divorce can occur (except in situations of physical abuse).

Two twenty year olds getting married and deciding after a year it wasn't right and divorcing is one thing. 10-30 years of marriage and/or children involved should make divorce take longer. I am shocked at how many places do not require the high earning spouse (often the one doing less childcare to pursue a career) to financially support the spouse who made more career sacrifices (whether it was reducing hours, working part-time or staying at home) for the children.

In my situation I gave up 7 years of earning power to look after my kids and to be "flexible" for H's career - moving every 1-2 years. He decided to run off on me in just about the only country in Europe that does not award alimony. He therefore is offering me a measly amount but feeling very generous because quote "he doesnt HAVE to give me anything" In the meantime I STILL have to find a way to do the lions share of child-rearing and get a full-time job while he swans about on his 6 figure salary with his girlfriend who made no sacrifices for any of it and is not reaping the financial rewards built on the back of my support.

I almost feel like starting a lobby group for parents who are abandoned in these sorts of situations - they still are predominantly women although I have heard of men in this situation too.

[StandandDeliver]

meant "NOW reaping the benefits", she most definitely is.

[truth_seeker]

I am shocked at how many places do not require the high earning spouse (often the one doing less childcare to pursue a career) to financially support the spouse who made more career sacrifices (whether it was reducing hours, working part-time or staying at home) for the children.

In my situation I gave up 7 years of earning power to look after my kids and to be "flexible" for H's career - moving every 1-2 years. He decided to run off on me in just about the only country in Europe that does not award alimony. He therefore is offering me a measly amount but feeling very generous because quote "he doesnt HAVE to give me anything" In the meantime I STILL have to find a way to do the lions share of child-rearing and get a full-time job while he swans about on his 6 figure salary with his girlfriend who made no sacrifices for any of it and is not reaping the financial rewards built on the back of my support.

I almost feel like starting a lobby group for parents who are abandoned in these sorts of situations - they still are predominantly women although I have heard of men in this situation too.

S&D
First let me start by saying I understand where you're coming from BUT please understand not everyone is in the same position.  In my R, I was the "high earning spouse" making the 6 figure salary you mentioned.  I too made many sacrifices but NONE of which abandoned my children, reduced any time with them as I attended every school function, sports activity, doctors appointments, etc. while still maintaining a very stressful high demand job. 

When we are quick to judge and make general statements then we run the risk of losing sight of the "real" problem.  MLC and the effects it has on a family and community.   We want so desperately to point the finger and lay blame yet it clouds our judgement. Becoming bitter and angry. If we become so fixated on the problem we will never come up with the solution. 

Am I to be collateral damage because I am in the minority being the primary breadwinner in my family as a woman?  REALLY?  I don't think so!  Should we get our pitch forks and go after those "high earner spouses" because of the pain?  Well we're all in the same boat high earner or not. 

MLC does not discriminate - Male/Female/Race/Origin/Income/Education and the list goes on.

Please before we make blanket statements, think about what effect MLC has on EVERYONE involved and focus on bringing awareness towards a solution rather than compounding the problem.  My H lives with OW and has abandoned us not because of my earning power or because he was the stay at home D.  He did this because he is in a crisis of his own and we all know what that is - MLC!  Period. 

So if I sound offended that is not my intention as I know everyone here has good intentions and it was not meant as a dig.  I get that... but I also see quite a bit of finger pointing in the wrong direction and it doesn't solve anything.  It only feeds the anger, hurt and pain.  Personally I would rather see MLC taken seriously as an illness instead of as a joke...therefore possibly early detection and treated before it hurts the family.  But we will NEVER get there if we blame "all those men because well their men and that's just the way they are" or "those high earning spouses" or "those OW/OM".  (note sarcasm) Come on!  Well I'm not buying it!   

My .02. 

TS

[LettingGo]

Here's my two cents...

ARE YOU FRIKKIN' KIDDING ME?

If you want to be married, you stay married. PERIOD.

How many MLCers say "We have to get a divorce in order for there to be any chance of us getting back together" ?

Exactly.

If you want a divorce, go ahead and get one... there's no stigma.... sometimes you have to protect yourself financially and there's no option of legal separation... BUT, you asked as if it might "wake up" the MLCer and cause them to "do something". BIG MISTAKE.

[truth_seeker]

If you want a divorce, go ahead and get one... there's no stigma.... sometimes you have to protect yourself financially and there's no option of legal separation... BUT, you asked as if it might "wake up" the MLCer and cause them to "do something". BIG MISTAKE.

We all know they will DO SOMETHING it just might not be the SOMETHING you want.      All the more reason not to RUSH into anything until YOU are PREPARED and READY

[LettingGo]

Good point...