[Baxter]

I had a question/observation...it appears that in most cases, atleast on this site, that most of the time a divorce is requested by the MLC'er right at the beginning of their journey.  .   I am curious as to why that may be.   Can anyone offer any insight to this or am I incorrect.   It just appears to be the case.     

[Rollercoasterider]

Actually it' not the case. Many MLCers may verbalize wnating a divorce, but they go no further and take no action. Some say nothing about divorce and are shocked if the LBS asks. I've noticed that it seems like there are a lot of at-home MLCers on this forum and a lot of low-energy MLCers which may manifest with less overt Replay Monster behaviours.

But I don't have time to read all or even most threads, so I get a bit here and a bit there--which is probably all anyone gets.

[Baxter]

RCR -  I guess it just looks like with the 3 or 4 of us on here... it seems like we were served  in the early stages.   I am expecting papers next week, myself and my MLCer does not have an OW,  guess I am just looking for answers that are not there... UGGG

[Trustandlove]

Baxter,

My H tried to start divorce proceedings right away, after saying that he wouldn't.  He stopped, partly because I wouldn't accept the grounds that he made up and said that if he was so determined I knew I couldn't stand in his way, but then I would file. (which meant that I would have to show grounds...  not pretty.)   I now also know that it was a time when alienator at the time had turned out to be a nutter, and he didn't know what he was feeling.  He had completely broken down in front of me, and I wrote to say that I had a meeting to write the divorce petition, and would do as he wanted me to, i,e, to ahead, postpone, cancel, in light of what he had said.  He asked me to cancel, and hasn't brought it up since. 

[Voyager]

Hi Baxter
Thankyou for your post on my thread it helps to feel supported. My h hasn't mentioned the D word but I talked to him once about getting a deed of Seperation don't know if you have the same over there. Basically its not a Divorce but sorts your finances out. When I told him what i was expecting from it he never mentioned it again and is still paying most of the bills. That does make me feel a bit insecure though because if he changed his mind I would be in a dire stuation.
Not sure if its guilt or keeping an option open. He's a mild mLCer and maybe its the more high energy ones who want to make the dramatic statements? Just a thought.

[Dontgiveup]

Baxter

I understand where you are coming from and I think a key word that you used is "requested" (RCR used the word "verbalized").  The deal with MLC is that we must use words like many, most, and some because each MLCer is different (yet the same).

Now, because of my situation, I tend to lean your way on this Baxter.  For me, the request or verbalization of a divorce was the bomb drop.  That is when I heard the MLC lingo...."I've always doubted our marriage", "I want to find somebody more like me", "I don't feel fulfilled", etc.

I do believe this, and it's just my belief.  I believe that women going through MLC are more likely to actually go through with a divorce than men.  This belief I have is based on my belief that women and men may handle "Covert Depression" differently.  While looking at "Covert Depression", I found it's mostly information about how men process depression.  I am not saying that women don't have affairs, or drink, or gamble, or whatever.  What I am saying is that women tend to be more introspective with their depression earlier in the MLC process.  I believe that may be why females tend to move through MLC quicker than men based on the averages we know about.

I have even wondered if going through with a divorce is a form of "Covert Depression" for women in MLC.  There may be no correlation whatsoever, I don't know.  However, as I look at the generalized time frame for the MLC journey, the average length for MLC in men may be up to twice as long as for women.

That has led me to ponder these questions (again...I don't have the answers, just the questions).

Does a female MLCer have more of a desire early in the MLC process for "time alone"?
Is the "Covert Depression" element of Replay why MLC in men may last longer than in women?
Did we really land a man on the moon (....just joking)?

[Dontgiveup]

.....a little tidbit I forgot to put in my last post.

I have read on this site that Replay is running.  Other places I have seen the word escape used.  What has led me to think about this (other than being directly affected) is that I believe you can lump many of these actions into the "running" or "escape" part of MLC, which is in Replay.

These actions may include one or more of these by the MLCer:
Affairs
Physical Separation
Divorce
No contact or limited contact

For example, one situation may be an affair and physical separation.  Another (like mine) is physical separation and divorce, but no affair.  Some MLCers are still at home, but may be having an affair and limited contact with their spouse.

[Trustandlove]

This question about male vs female mlc is interesting.

I have a female friend going through what I think is a whopper of an mlc; a lot of what I see in her is similar to what I see men doing, but there are also noticeable differences.  It's odd, because this is a family to whom we were/are quite close, but it also gives me an interesting perspective. 

She is doing an interesting mix of behaviours; the biggest similarity between her and the behaviour we 'assign' to men in mlc is the blaming of her H -- she says that she has no choice, he has forced her hand.  She really wants to have her cake and eat it in many ways. 

[Dontgiveup]

Saying that her husband has "forced her hand" is indeed textbook MLC talk.  I heard basically the same thing from my wife....that it was MY fault that she feels the way she does, and that divorce is the only answer....in other words, she wants the divorce, but I am the cause.

That's why I am curious if the act of divorcing can be part of "Covert Depression".  Divorcing has allowed her to "run" and at the same time place the blame for it on me.  So, with the divorce done about 6 months into Replay, we'll see what happens from here.  Will the divorce help her move through Replay, or will other Replay type actions now come?  I don't know.

[Baxter]

Rather than using "forced his hand"   I got the "you left me no choice"  ...basically the same.   I too wonder if its Covert Depression.    MY H is no affair(that I know of atleast) and lots of drinking and hanging out with 27 year olds from work, partying, happy hours,  lying, now NC more or less, and physical separation since January.    I have  also, wondered like you have, DGU, if the D may cause them to hit rock bottom, when they see what they have lost physically, emotionally, financially, etc..and move them even just a bit thru the tunnel.   

I also have a female friend who went thru a midlife transition I would say..she had an affair, got boobs, lost weight, blamed her H for everything.   They are now divorced( at the end of the day its more because they are 2 completely different people, not the ML transition).  She actually went to IC and fixed herself and realized she was also accountable.   Just throwing that in FWIW. 

Trust  & Love, are you saying that when you "counter" sued him for D he dropped it?