[BonBon]

Thundarr,
Dumped or not...that doesn't matter.

What matters is how you feel about yourself.  I'm hoping that you wrote that meaning she looks at you in that way...or that you feel that she's treated you as though you were spoiled meat...

I'm hoping that you don't actually feel that way about yourself!  If you do, or if anyone reading this does, then you are giving your confused mess of a spouse WAY too much power.  I felt that way too for awhile truth be told.  NOT NOW.  NOT EVER AGAIN.

Why would you, or anyone who feels that way, let someone who has turned into a selfish ass, make you feel that way?  Why would their opinion count for anything AT ALL during this stage of their life?  Well, many of us do make this mistake.  If you haven't Thundarr, again, I'm writing this to whomever might feel this way. 

Bottom line...Don't let an MLCer make you feel worthless.  EVER.  They are the ones who need to look at their sorry behavior, their sorry words, the mess they've made out of things.

Just remember that.
And I write this with a hug!

[Rookie13]

Hi Thundarr, You are still freshly wounded. In a little more time you will see the real spoiled meat and it won't be you!

Sorry to say but it will be the W. A good man/father doesn't become "spoiled" because your wayward wife say's so. Learn that fast!

The best revenge is to not let her see you hurt or spew. Smile even if it's fake! Her MLC job is to bring you down past her level. Be wise and strong.

[Thundarr]

Hey all,

I didn't think about how that sounded until I was on the way home.  I didn't mean I think of myself like that at all, but was just responding to Freddy's comment about jam being put aside.  I meant I was being treated like spoiled meat - thrown out with the trash.  I do not look at myself this way whether she's in her right mind or not.

Thanks to you all for the support, though!!

((((((HUGS))))))) to all!!!

[Anjae]

Freddy and Thurdarr’s analogies made me think of how scary we must look to our MLCer once we are no longer a wreck.

They walked, did (are doing) all those wrong, sometimes mean and nasty things, let many of us in financial dire straits, and here we are, with a smile on our face and enjoying life.

We are strong and to them, we must be really intimidating. They no longer have a clue how to deal with us. Must be tough. They are no longer (not they ever were since the MLC beging, they just thought so) calling the shots. Can’t bother, upset or anger us. How frustrating.

The frustration that comes of this makes them, I think, become even more mad at us, caring on doing loony stupid things. And, I would guess, at the same, madder at themselves.

[LettingGo]

Thundarr, we were ALL thrown out like a sack of trash. That is what happens. You'll figure it out... you're still early on! I really, really admire the men on this forum... you guys are a different breed, for sure!! Pat yourselves on the back.... Like all LBS, we look good to the rest of the world (once they get over their uncomfortableness of us not seeking revenge on our sick spouses, LOL!!). You bring a lot to the table, and I'm glad there are more men here now to support the others..... OP used to be the lone Rooster here, hahaha!!

Glad to see you postin, Rookie!

[Rookie13]

Thanks LG, and I agree with ALL being thrown out like a sack of trash! exactly how I felt some 3 yrs ago! lol

AnneJ is right on the money with her post and when LBS's get to the 3 yr point or so ( or further) you will see her post to be exactly true.

I agree we will/do look strong,powerful, intimidating, and HAPPY to them to the point it does frustrate them even more. It's true they no longer call the shots on anything! And it appears ( at least in my case) that they will find someone in which they can call the shots with which of course will also be short lived.

[Freddygone]

Someone once said that there was no better revenge than success.
I am not saying that we are seeking revenge, because I have no desire for any kind of retribution, I really want my wife to be happy with or without me, but the way to combat the way we feel (at being dumped) is to be happy, successful and not affected by monster.
Once MLC sees a happy successful person they start to think......why would I leave that person? Maybe they can do without me? Maybe someone else is going to take them?
Was I as valuable to them as I thought or maybe I needed them more than they needed me?

I am sure they will start to think all those things as they search for an answer.

Clearly looking at a sad, dejected person is not going to make them want to consider coming back to you. Or anybody else to find you an attractive companion.
Wear a smile, have bounce in your step, always be pleasant, look at the world through those rose coloured spectacles. See what a huge difference it makes. See how many people find you attractive and approachable with that kind of outlook.
I tell you your inner mood shows on the outside. I know sometimes it can be hard but with practice it becomes easy. Lighten up.

[Rollercoasterider]

But I think what so many people are saying here is that mentally and emotionally they CAN'T move on until they cut that invisible rope that is STANDING for their marriage.

Yes, this is a psychological barrier for some. Though Standing and moving on are not separate and mutually exclusive concepts, many people can only understand them and do them separately.

Standing to me always meant putting him first. And I can't do that, I just can't.

Well I hope not! You know intelectually that is not what Standing is about, but what will it take for you to accept that emotionally? You don’t have to, but what you want Standing to be—about putting your Self first, that is what it is. Yes, the purpose and motivation come from the marital crisis and there is a goal of reconciliation or at the least a putting aside of the decision to end the marriage and consider reconciliation if the opportunity presents itself. But the way to get it to present itself as a valid opportunity is by putting Self first.

I believe that being Self-Centered is a great thing! It is a process of self-centering which is to become balanced within Self. To be selfish is completely different. Selfish is choosing what you want at the expense of others, being centered within Self is about becoming a whole and healthy person.

The only thing I don't buy is the double standard that MLCers can do anything while standers sit back and try to become the person their MLCer wanted while patiently waiting.

I was patient during my Stand, but I was not waiting. Some may have said my life was on hold since I was not dating. Well, Grandpa died in 1992 and Gram has not dated since, but few people would say she put her life on hold. Dating and having a romantic partnership is not the end all and be all of life.

STANDING for your MARRIAGE is an anchor in your journey to yourself, I don't see how it can't be.

Anchor is such an intersting term. When Sweetheart worked at the family business he had the nickname Anchor. He apprenticed for a few years and then finaly left the store and worked on his own while putting himself through college. But the others—some were cousins, some were not family members—meant the nickname as an insult; he weighed them down. The name still follows him. If he goes into the store even now someone will likely greet him with hi Anch. He came out almost in tears to me as I waited in the car one day. The person wasn’t trying to tease—I don’t think so at least.

But when I mentioned the nickname to my Mom without relaying the story details she automatically assumed it was a positive name of strength. When the crisis started my Dad said I was a rick—implying strenght. I’m a swimmer, rocks are not good when swimming!


So Standing for your marriage may be an anchor in your journey. It may be the anchor that gives you stability and consistency or it may be the anchor that keeps you from moving forward and weighs you down.

You get to choose which anchor it will be.

I have given alot of thought about how or why we would need to change ourselves if this is really all about the MLCer. Common sense would dictate that we would need to stay true to ourselves as they should want to return to their old lives once they come out of this. But, I've been communicating with another LBSer on here who is divorced already and his perspective is that we change almost like the MLCer is changing in that we take on new hairstyles, clothes, habits and such so that they will notice us and not associate us with their old selves as much. That makes sense to me. I have no interest in changing what I like about myself just because my wife used that as an excuse to do what she did.

Change is an inevitable part of living. But why would you try to change what you like—unless you are chaning to something you like even more? It is a natural part of the process to start out by trying to make changes either according to the MLCers demands or to entice the MLCer. Maintaining that as the purpose is unhealthy, but doing it in the beginning is just a normal part of people cope and it can get them to the point where they change for their own Selves. There is also tha benefit that often changes meant to attract the MLCer are those the person likes about their new Self. Each person will choose to drop some of the changes, but it is a time of Self-discovery and sometimes you’ve got to try new things to discover whether you like them.

But if you resist changing because you stubbornly refuse to do something because it is what someone else wants, you are missing out on an opportunity to discover some new things—and you will like some of those things if you accept rather than resist.

Being true to your Self is being true within the changes you make and keep. It doesn’t mean you refuse to change.

For heaven's sake, she told me she disliked 95% about me. How would I change that much?

And you are giving credibility to an MLCer why…?

She also told D10 that she was divorcing me because I liked Britney Spears.

Sweetheart and the alienator were well-matched because neither likes steak. I can’t figure out the complain regarding me because though I like it we don’t buy it and we’ve only been to steakhouse once, wait, twice, but on one of those occasions I only got soup. One of the repeated complaints that I think originated at the midlifewive’s club and it’s book How to Survive Your Husband’s Midlife Crisis was that the MLCer is leaving because you bought bagged salad.

That sort of irrelevant complaint is part of the script.

I was also told that my hair was too frizzy and he liked straight hair.
Well complain to God then!
Though I must admit I did discover antifrizz serums and now I can manage the curls—but I don’t use it to straighten—tried once and it wouldn’t work anyway. My hair is the envy of most people and the alienator tried to tell him my hair was too frizzy too—he’d actually complained about it long before they et, so she just knew it was a weak spot.

I did not change my hair, but I did allow him to find me a product to tame it and I love it. Negotiate.

When LBS's question why they are STANDING, I confess I find it slightly amusing. I remember thinking and feeling the same way. Then one day, it dawned on me, what else could I do? I was so shell shocked, so scared, so heartbroken, I was of no use to anybody else. Whether I divorced my h that very day or waited indefinitely, I was still going to feel like "hell". There really was no other OPTION but to STAND, as I simply was in no condition to make any sort of decisions. Plus, divorcing, moving on, whatever, was not going to change the process, as there was only one way out of this and that was through the pain.

Earlier today I put this in the Coaching Archives for Gullstaff.
Suppose you stop Standing. Then what? What changes? Your wife is still gone and you are still not emotionally ready for a relationship with someone else.

People think it is Standing that takes the strength. No, it is living and you really do need to go on living. Whether you Stand or not, your situation is the same. You still need to detach and heal. I advocate Standing while doing that because it helps to protect your love and I believe it leads to Forgiveness more readily than not Standing.

You know that saying about who invested the most in breakfast, the pig or the chicken--I don't want to be the only pig in this breakfast! And that's why I admire covenant keepers and people like Synnica and LettingGo--they are willing to give everything--that's faith and I admire people who have faith, but I just don't.

Covenant Keepers is a Biblical group and thus they are more strict. But being a Covenant Keeper does not mean you will reconcile with your spouse if the opportunity presents itself. It means you will honor your marriage vows by not remarrying until your spouse dies—literally, being dead in your eyes doesn’t count. A covenant keeper may choose to no loner be in a realtionship with their spouse—think domestic violence—but will also choose to not take another mate as a part of the vow to forsake all others.

[Standing4Myself]

well said Freddygone. I'm glad I read your posted, it lifted my spirits. I too want my ex to be happy. I told her that several times - said 'why wouldn't I want you to be happy WITH or WITHOUT me?'  And like you said freddy, and I'll use the lighthouse analogy someone here made, being happy yourself may show the MLC what happiness really is and isn't - be the lighthouse!

And I surely think when the MLCer sees us pulling away, they just may follow. Just like how we push them away at times when we don’t detach, try to contact them, try to talk about the R and M - stuff like that. You push, they pull. You pull, they may push.

I'm often confused at what some people view as standing and moving on - I don't think it has to be one of the other. I think moving on can be standing - thought I don't think moving on with someone else should be the definition of moving on. And there shouldn't be someone else if you truly haven't moved on. I've had some very casual dating but I don't think anyone else deserves to get hurt by the MLC. Especially not by us if we're not ready to start a new relationship.

I talked about this in IC tonight, prompted by this post actually…which is why I suppose I’m babbling.

And whatever the situation, we need to MOVE ON with our lives, whatever the outcome and be happy either way. Success stories aren't and shouldn't be about successful reconciliation. They can include them, but shouldn’t be limited to them.

[stayed]

And whatever the situation, we need to MOVE ON with our lives, whatever the outcome and be happy either way. Success stories aren't and shouldn't be about successful reconciliation. They can include them, but shouldn't be limited to them.

This is the point I have been trying to make since I joined this forum.  Success is not determined by whether we RECONCILE!  When we begin this journey, our goal is to save our marriages.  As we learn and grow, our goals become more refined.  We want our marriages but ONLY if it can be a better marriage, happier, mutually fullfilling.  Time and much thought, which is something we LBS's do a lot of, begins to expose the "cracks" in the marriages/relationships we thought we had.  Either that, or as time goes on, we change so much we realize that what we once had, will simply not "cut it anymore". 

As much as most of us have HATED this time, "time" is becoming that wonderful gift that OP always talks about.  If we use it wisely we learn so much about ourselves and our lives.  Quite honestly, it wasn't my husband who made me devote too much time into my family, home and little into myself, it was ME.  I am the one who IMPOSED this behavior on myself.  Time has shown me the truth about myself, it was nobodies fault, it was an evolution that at the time probably was needed for the benefit of the family but like most things, I took it to the extreme.  I virtually IMPRISONED myself, trying to be "everything to everybody".  Self inflicted, self imposed! 

Our MLC'er did the same thing, trapped themselves into a certain role and now are trying to brake out of it.  How long we would have continued our self imposed martyrdom if our spouse had not gone "nuts" and pried us out of our comfort zone.  No way of knowing.  The genie is out of the bottle, she can't be stuffed back in.  It is onward and hopefully upward for most, as the alternate is "death" or "stagnation"... not an option in most cases. 

In my OPINION, success is gauged by where we are at the end of this.  Are we happy?  Did we find an alternate life, maybe not better but much better suited for who we are now?  SAVING our marriage is not the ONLY GAME in town.  The main GAME in my opinion is US, how we FEEL about ourselves in a year, 2 years... hell, 10 years down the road.  What did we do with this situation? 

You hit the nail right on the head Standing4Myself.  Reconciliation is not the only sign of SUCCESS!  To limit our possibilities after undergoing this grueling process would be tragic.  To deny ourselves the option of abandoning our STAND for our marriage is unrealistic, too restrictive.  WE have been forced down this road, forced to take this journey, the least we can do is CONSIDER all our options and choose what is BEST for ourselves.  We owe ourselves happiness and whatever form that takes, is SUCCESS.
hugs Stayed