[Finding Hope]

I have a clinging boomerang, mine lives at home. My question is why is it important for the them not to alienate us. If my husband thinks that I'm mad or upset he asks me, why? Why does he care since he says that he wants a divorce.

[Mamma Bear]

 Confused, My guess and it says so in the articles : They don't want to alienate us bc they don't know what they are doing? They are aware of their cycling confusion. Plus they might be thinking ' What good will it do if I piss her off more than she all ready is?"   Plus they are needy and weak. Remember they don't want to be alone. Fear of abandonment (how ironic) If something goes wrong with OW R then they'd be alone. So I think they think they have to keep us hanging around in the background just in case. 

[Voyager]

Well i've thought long and hard about this one

I only have virtual contact with my H by e mail only, but it is regular i guess, so having listened to wise words from T&L many moons ago I will put myself in here, but with a reserve on the vanisher just in case 

xx

[kaffe diem]

Maybe you have and "on-and-off". Voyager...

I could be wrong, but I think that what's more indicative is the contact motivation...  which might be hard to tell and borders on mind reading...

For example, I concede that my W might be boomerang, as I've kept records of the contact.  Which is ONLY email at this time and for the past four months...  but what I thought was very little comm, is actually quite a bit...  as much as three comms per week...  although more than two comms are generally because my W is responding to some logistical questions...

Like I said though, it's the presumed intention of the email...  My W might offer salutations like this last one being, "Hope you are well"...  and sometimes it might be some story about the kids, positive or negative...  but the meat and potatoes of the message is pretty much (paraphrased):

"Now that I figure I have you on my side with pleasantries I've written, you need to accept my offer of when you will get to see the kids because while I will not tell you anything about what's going on in my life, the truth is I have plans to hang with OM and my drinking buddies that weekend so because I know you are desperate to see your kids by now (after a long dry spell without them), I am sure you will see your way clear to taking them at that time."

The point being, the content is not an open invitation to engage in conversation.  All my W wants is a yes answer to whatever the content is...  Irregardless of the content of the response, my W simply pulls out my "Yes, I want the kids that date" and then communicate with specifics about pick up and return...  filtering any other content I might have included...

I think that what I see in boomerangs is a desire to actually communicate...  they want to communicate...  it might be about the kids, or about finances, or about this joke they heard on the radio, or how they were somehow offended by an office worker...  but the communication appears to be very oriented with getting the LBS to engage them in conversation...  for what ever reason they might have...  perhaps to remind you that they still don't like you and/or to see if you still like or don't like them...

Vanishers might contact just so the LBS knows they are still alive...  Off and Ons appear to simply need to connect to keep the LBS on their side, and manipulate so the LBS continues to enable them so they can keep doing what they are doing...  More often than not, the contact I have initiated with my W is either ignored or responded with very short responses...  if pleasant, I know that something else...  some other request, is coming down the pipe soon...

Just my current opinion... 

[faithled]

o.k. So next steps?  I have a Boomerang and I have detached pretty well now....I only respond to his e-mails about our teenage boys with one word answers........I decided that continuing to keep him pleasantly updated on the boys while he is living with OW very publicly, and he can easily contact them by phone, was just fueling his fantasy.  He has dragged out the legal separation and my lawyer said if they do not respond withfinal numbers (he has alot to loose), we will have to go to court.  I told my H about a month ago in an e-mail to finalize the legal separation so I can get on with my life.  He has never touched me since BD 2 i/2 years ago, and kept wanting me just to co-parent.  God told me in 5 different ways that we will reconcile, but He also told me to not be a door mat.  Very fine tightrope. 

Faithled

[Wed2Him?Whatever.]

Clingy Boomerangers are just like 17 year olds who took out the parents car and are staying out so they don't get yelled at. I am so glad he's a CB.  I really am. I can SEE the confusion. I can SEE the jumpy nervousness around me. I can see in his eyes that he feels badly about how it all went down. (plus he told me)
  If he wasn't a CB I'd really be in a bad place. I need to see it. It is really happening. He is out of his mind. Temporarily.

Hilarious!  I can totally relate to this.  My H has threatened to move out, but he has not actually taken that step.  As difficult as it was living with monster for months, I am glad I got to see the deterioration of what used to be a logical, if not always reasonable, mind.

[Mamma Bear]

Wed2Him4Ever,
   Totally out of his mind!  Now I think some truth darts and the NO JOB are getting to him. Very quiet and invisible for month of Sept. Still at Bowser Ows. I suspect soon he'll start up again but who knows?
 I still can't believe my charming and doting H is living across town with a Skank Ho and he blinks his lovely eyes at me like we are in high school still.   Thank God for this Forum

[kaffe diem]

faithled,

Detaching has to be the most important AND most difficult part of boomerang...  especially if they are emotionally all over the place...  or we are still on their rollercoaster...

And then the LBS gets caught in the thoughts of "what topics or how often should I engage in convo?"  It really becomes a sitch of how much we can handle...  and perhaps becomes a stich of how much we want to "learn" through the engagement...  ie.  Practicing being detached by carrying on a convo without reacting...  at least with boomerang, there's more opportunity to practice...   

It really does appear that the current frame of mind of a MLCer dictates where they are in the TYPE spectrum, combined with their personality type...  my W appears to have had a week of Boomerang...  perhaps brought on by the fact that she knew she would be spending "quality time" with OM, so she was in a good mood, yet still somewhat confused...  multiple, separate contact (email) involving kids, one regarding a belly button piercing of my D13 (she contacted me as though my opinion actually mattered), once regarding pick up of D9 after visit with me, one asking me if I would sponsor D13 and W for a "cause walk" (in which I was cc'd with a group of people whom my W has spewed venom at so apparently think I'm a horrible person  ), and a couple phone call attempts...  all framed in very pleasant tones, happy, chatty, etc...  the last one (first time W remotely mentioned OM to me) indicated that W was taking "a friend" to the airport (yes, confirmed it was OM by covert, external means) so drop off of D9 would be scheduled accordingly...

If there was any, more clear indicator of boomerang, regarding confusion, conflicting messages, attempts (covert or overt) to get reactions, etc, etc...  that certainly would be it...  but in my case, we'll see if she stays there or moves back towards more "off and on" behaviour...

The point to that above is just to say if I wasn't in a detached enough frame of mind, I probably would have been all over the contact, engaging and being confused and reactionary...  had I not had strong boundaries and found my place of detachment, it would have been extremely difficult.

All types are tough in their own way, but boomerangs...  when I don't have one, I want one...  when I have one, I want a different one...   

[Wed2Him?Whatever.]

o.k. So next steps?  I have a Boomerang and I have detached pretty well now....I only respond to his e-mails about our teenage boys with one word answers........I decided that continuing to keep him pleasantly updated on the boys while he is living with OW very publicly, and he can easily contact them by phone, was just fueling his fantasy. 

Good for you!  Do you think his fantasy is to continue cake-eating and keep you in limbo long as possible?  Looks that way to me.  Keep doing the detachment thing, you'll be ok.
And I am glad you are believing for reconciliation while showing H you're no doormat.  It will be a fine line to walk but you already seem to be doing really well, so just keep at it!

[faithled]

Thanks for the above 2 responses.  Encouraging.  So, my H got his lawyer to e-mail my lawyer to say that his co. is not doing well this year (wonder why), and he wants me to consider going the mediator route.  He is nuts....I already aborted that when I found out there is an OW.  He is trying to get out of giving me what he owes after 20 years of marriage, our 3 boys chose to live with me, and he has put me through emotional hell.  Noone should get away with that....he is responsible for his actions.  I am not mean.....I never bother them......it has been humiliating for me.  I just want the legal separation to be done so I can look after my sons and not feel controlled by him. 

Faithled