[MsZing]

KD

Detaching has to be the most important AND most difficult part of boomerang...  especially if they are emotionally all over the place...  or we are still on their rollercoaster...

And then the LBS gets caught in the thoughts of "what topics or how often should I engage in convo?"  It really becomes a sitch of how much we can handle...  and perhaps becomes a stich of how much we want to "learn" through the engagement...  ie.  Practicing being detached by carrying on a convo without reacting...  at least with boomerang, there's more opportunity to practice...   

I really agree with you on this! My H is a boomerang and he is UBER nice and chatty..when it suits him but I feel uneasy about being too chatty as I dont know how long it will last or whats the right/wrong thing to say/do!

Initiating contact is negative as the response is short and sharp unless they are needing something

[stayed]

Good discussion, great in fact.

My h was a boomerang... and an off and on "clinger".  The guy could turn the charm on and off like a switch.  Amazing.  Could be sobbing his eyes out one minute about how he could be doing this to such a wonderful person as me, and then be mocking and taunting me about when he was going to marry OW.  Yep MammaBear... you got it... TOTALLY OUT OF THEIR COTTON PICKING MINDS! 

faithled,

Detaching has to be the most important AND most difficult part of boomerang...  especially if they are emotionally all over the place...  or we are still on their rollercoaster...

And then the LBS gets caught in the thoughts of "what topics or how often should I engage in convo?"  It really becomes a sitch of how much we can handle...  and perhaps becomes a stich of how much we want to "learn" through the engagement...  ie.  Practicing being detached by carrying on a convo without reacting...  at least with boomerang, there's more opportunity to practice...   

It really does appear that the current frame of mind of a MLCer dictates where they are in the TYPE spectrum, combined with their personality type...  my W appears to have had a week of Boomerang...  perhaps brought on by the fact that she knew she would be spending "quality time" with OM, so she was in a good mood, yet still somewhat confused...  multiple, separate contact (email) involving kids, one regarding a belly button piercing of my D13 (she contacted me as though my opinion actually mattered), once regarding pick up of D9 after visit with me, one asking me if I would sponsor D13 and W for a "cause walk" (in which I was cc'd with a group of people whom my W has spewed venom at so apparently think I'm a horrible person  ), and a couple phone call attempts...  all framed in very pleasant tones, happy, chatty, etc...  the last one (first time W remotely mentioned OM to me) indicated that W was taking "a friend" to the airport (yes, confirmed it was OM by covert, external means) so drop off of D9 would be scheduled accordingly...

If there was any, more clear indicator of boomerang, regarding confusion, conflicting messages, attempts (covert or overt) to get reactions, etc, etc...  that certainly would be it...  but in my case, we'll see if she stays there or moves back towards more "off and on" behaviour...

The point to that above is just to say if I wasn't in a detached enough frame of mind, I probably would have been all over the contact, engaging and being confused and reactionary...  had I not had strong boundaries and found my place of detachment, it would have been extremely difficult.

All types are tough in their own way, but boomerangs...  when I don't have one, I want one...  when I have one, I want a different one...   

AMEN!!!  It took me at least 6 mos. to figure that out.  I finally went to N. Z. where the only contact possible was EMAIL.  Communication was controlled totally by ME.  What I didn't know, assmunch had transferred his "clingyness" (ah is that word hehehe) to our oldest daughter. 

This crap is never easy... ever!  Whatever type they are, everybody still has to learn how to HANDLE them, or NOT.  It's confusing, painful and outright mind boggling.  If you do not DETACH, you will lose your mind.  Then, what good are you, to ANYBODY?

All of you are sounding great.  Take one day and a time and mostly... TAKE CARE OF YOU!!!!

hugs Stayed

[eternity]

KD

Detaching has to be the most important AND most difficult part of boomerang...  especially if they are emotionally all over the place...  or we are still on their rollercoaster...

And then the LBS gets caught in the thoughts of "what topics or how often should I engage in convo?"  It really becomes a sitch of how much we can handle...  and perhaps becomes a stich of how much we want to "learn" through the engagement...  ie.  Practicing being detached by carrying on a convo without reacting...  at least with boomerang, there's more opportunity to practice...   

I really agree with you on this! My H is a boomerang and he is UBER nice and chatty..when it suits him but I feel uneasy about being too chatty as I dont know how long it will last or whats the right/wrong thing to say/do!

Initiating contact is negative as the response is short and sharp unless they are needing something

This is also my experience.
if I initiate contact I do not get a reply most of the times. Well most emails are informative about finances or our S. But if this is about finances and H needs to pay me some money, one would expect a reply with possible payment date.
A sharp reply is usually when H feels pressured in some way
For instance a while ago H emailed me on a Monday that he would visit on Wednesday 6pm. i saw the email on Wednesday 7pm!!!
So I immediately texted that I did see his email too late, but that I was home and if he wanted he could come around
Reply H: "check your email in 5 min"
content email : please arrange for tomorrow to be ready such and such documents 
My reply : are you angry? doc's will be on our kitchen table

The day after i got an email in which he told me he was sorry for the day before

It is good that we educate ourselves to be able to see through this and not take it personally
E

[stayed]

Oh yes, yes, yes... without a doubt, if WE contact them... expect impatience, indifference or just outright nastiness!  If they contact us... TOTALLY DIFFERENT person....   

Ugh.... just get on with your lives people... let them twist away on their own. 

Hugs Stayed...

[Mamma Bear]

  Stayed,  I loved a couple weeks back somewhere you were saying "STOP ENGAGING THEM!"     I have and it made him like      He wanted to know via text : Why are you so quiet? Nothing to say?
    Stayed the STOP SIGN works great too!  I love that suggestion. When I start to slide into a pity party about H  STOP SIGN comes out in my mind.......til later.   Thank You!

[stayed]

Mamma Bear... lol  , would I lie to you? 

Seriously though, if we are not healthy, we can't HELP anybody!  Not ourselves, our children and certainly not our MLCer.  How can we even know if we WANT to help our MLCer unless we are healthy and content enough to make a good decision?

My fear with simply stating... "I AM STANDING FOR MY MARRIAGE"... it is too EXACT!  We are a mess.  Our lives have been turned upside down and inside out, how can we possibly make such an important decision as TO STAND or not TO STAND, until we have our equilibrium and sense of world order, under control. 

This situation can be the best thing that ever happened to you, if used wisely.

hugs Stayed...

[Sideways]

I am divorced from my mlc'er, but I chose that he is in category Boomerang, but he may not always contact like a boomerang and so is more on and off'er.  Not as frequent as boomerang, but much more than Vanisher.

It really has taken me some time to figure out where he is, but I think I have it !  This is an interesting topic. Thanks!
Love and Light- Sideways

[Silmarion]

The more I read the more I see the boomerang traits (I call 'em Catch 22 MCLer).  Definitely agree when I initiate (rare occasions) the call isn't answered or is 'put off.'   I began to do the same to him and got bombarded with calls. Duh!
If I say separation he backs off.  At the mo' my communication is fairly disinterested.  I can't be bothered to put in much energy.  How does he respond? Starts communicating and being helpful!!!  Weirdo...!

Sil x

[In this for ME]

Oh yes, yes, yes... without a doubt, if WE contact them... expect impatience, indifference or just outright nastiness!  If they contact us... TOTALLY DIFFERENT person.... 

WOW do I remember this!!! WTH is up with that anyway???

 I think everything has to be on thier terms and in thier head unless THEY are ready to talk to you they feel bushwacked or something if we make communication first.

I try not to bother EXH when he's on the computer. I wait until he comes upstairs to say anything first. I run the risk of forgetting what it was I need to say so sometimes I have to write it down. 

[stayed]

No kidding, EVERYTHING has to be on their terms, their time.  That is why I get annoyed when people talk about PUSHING their spouse back into their tunnel.  There is NO WAY of knowing what will or won't push them into their tunnel.  They CHOOSE to run back in, whenever there is any sort of confrontation or heck, even communication that THEY DID NOT INITIATE...!!!  How in the world can we predict what will trigger a response, positive, negative, indifferent? 

TRUTH is people... just please yourselves.  You are aware of what you are doing, what message you want to send, if he/she does not read/hear/see it the way you intended, that's too bad.  Hopefully, some day in the future that/this moment will be remembered and maybe then they will "get" what it was, you were trying to say.

Until then, just be true to yourself.  Say whatever you want, when you want... JUST SAY IT NICELY!  No hostility, no spite, no nastiness... simply STATE YOUR POINT.  Charge neutral and leave it at that.  If they try to argue with you about it, simply say, NOTHING to discuss, I am simply stating what I was thinking.  End of story.  Leave it at that. 

hugs Stayed