[Standing in Patience]

Does your mlcer have a CLUE that they are in a mlc?

Was it only after time passed or was there a "trigger" that caused your mlcer to "know" that they are having a mlc?

For instance, I read where one LBS read Men in Midlife Crisis and the mlc h picked up the book and recognized he has similar symptoms and began to "believe" he might be having a mlc.

Another said after speaking with a good friend who himself went through a mlc earlier now recognized he too might be having a mlc?

Did a therapist confirm it with the mlcer during their session?

Did anyone read a thread from Hero's Spouse to their mlcer? Did it trigger a response?

What keeps a mlcer from acknowledging the symptoms and the actions they carry out and words they speak might classic mlc?

[Standing in Patience]

My h said at first when I shared with him I thought he might be having a mlc --- "Stop asking me if I'm having a mlc. I don't know. I am trying to figure it out."

This led me to believe that he gave it some thought in the past. Someone else may have said it to him or perhaps he came to think about it himself. I believe he does have a clue but is still in deep denial.

[MsZing]

Hi Standing

I think this may be a mix of situations and also some may have an inkling and be in denial about it.

One night as we were falling asleep H actuallyasked me a couple of months in, (when I was seeing a C by myself) just out of the blue, if my C thought he was in MLC.

I said yes, that was suggested, she had raised it, I then just said that the focus of the C was about me and we didnt discss him after that. He said .oh.of course,politely.

Part of me saw it as an opening to lay out some things about MLC and higlight what he was exhibiting  or going through. I resisted though as I didnt think it would be a good idea.H may have thought I was " having a go" at him.

After I had answered his question about what my C said, H seemed a bit despondent and said, " well isnt that F$%^EN stereotypical! Right on target . MLC!

So, I think some do have an inkling, but it doesnt seem to be able to help them through the journey. I know a few weeks after that conversation after H had moved out and I was at his place, out of the blue he stated he doesnt know why he is doing what he is doing, but he just has to do it. He said he doesnt know how long it will last or what the outcome will be, but he just needs to do this.

H may have forgotten he even asked me about MLC or questioned if he was in it. There has been no mention since.

I must admit, in the first 3 weeks after BD, before I found this site and before C, I had come across some sites on MLC when I was looking for information to help ME cope with a leaving husband. The MLC sites were linked. Reading the markers was like reading a list of things about H.

I asked him if I could read him something and made it clear I had only come across it when I was looking for self help info for my own turmoil

After I read a few points out, he asked if he could read the article later.

so, not sure if having an inkling makes a diff really

Im rambling now

[Standing in Patience]

Thank you MsZing.

Your response makes me consider the fact that my h does have lucid moments where I would have had an opportunity to "discuss" what is happening. However as of last, I now just "acknowledge" or mirror what he says to me most of the time.

That said, his mind is like swiss cheese. There have been several times he has told me something about the children (mostly logistics) and it was identical to the statement he made in just the phone call from the previous day - same words, same tone.

MsZing, you are AMaZing.

[Mamma Bear]

  Standing in Patience, Short answer: No
and don't tell him. I want it to be a surprise!

[Standing in Patience]

MB, you do make me laugh! God knows, I need it.

On a related note, we have talked in the past about other men that we both know that may have had a mlc before he had his. He quickly acknowledged that he too thought they might be having a mlc - much younger girlfriend, fancy new purchase (honking size yacht), recently colored hair on a coworker buddy (trying too hard to look younger - completely grey one day and a strange brown color the next day and acting as if he always had this haircolor).

And yet my h decided to leave marriage, leave w, leave children, quit job, and move to the other side of the country. Really, h.

[LettingGo]

Some months ago, mine blurted out over the phone "I think I'm having a MLC or something!!" I replied calmly "Well, you wouldn't be the first person to have one..." and that was the last I heard of that.

I told him of my BF's husband's emotional breakdown and hospitalization recently.... he asked "What from?" and I answered.... "Depression..." went right over his head, and when I answered a question from him with "I LIVE with a depressed person...." he became MONSTER and told me I didn't know what I was talking about....

They will NOT recognize it in themselves... I believe MONSTER keeps those thoughts at bay when they pop up.... no point in pointing it out to them anyway, as even if they see they are having one, they won't do anything about it..... they must just muddle through.

[Anjae]

  Standing in Patience, Short answer: No
and don't tell him. I want it to be a surprise!

Ahahahahah!

No, mine does not have a clue.

[BraveNewWorld]

My wife told me that she was mentally ill when she married me, but is sorted now.

She told me that when her parents split up when she was 17 ( because of an awful incident involving her and her dad ) that it derailed her, and then after her dad died she was able to re-rail herself. Derailing me and our family in the process.

So for my wife, she believes that her life is on a good course now, and the past, old wife's life was the one that was in crisis.

One day, I hope it all becomes clear.

bnw

[Standing in Patience]

My h's mother had her own mlc and he lived through it when he was young and observed her comings and goings. H recognizes that mlc condition exists and yet appears not to recognize his own. Amazing, huh.