[Anjae]

Don't think what makes people susceptible to MLC is a PD. We are all susceptible to a MLC. However, when in the crisis, MLCers have traces of PD.

Well, I'm the other way round, I think a narcissist is easy to trace. Not sure if I can trace a borderline...

[StandandDeliver]

I wonder though, how this goes into the revisiting of failed adolescent development? Because, if you think about it, the point of adolescence is to transition from childhood (where dependence on others and a developmentally self-focused world view is normal) to becoming a "self-actualised" adult? Children understand right and wrong and can be quite nuanced, but as children they just take it for granted that it is the duty of others to look after them - what is "entitlement" in an adult is "normal" in a non-abusive childhood. The teenage years SHOULD involve the break down of those expectations (which can be quite painful and also liberating), we come to see that we are separate from our parents, that they are flawed human beings who do not HAVE to give us everything that we want or need and that we need to develop a sense of separateness and responsibility for ourselves to be able to manage adult life.

My H displayed many characteristics which were mildly narcissistic, but I see his behaviour (with hindsight) as more immature than anything else. He did not finish growing up (and maybe meeting me so young and transferring his dependence from his parents onto me means he DOES associate me as one of the "grown-up" that he must challenge and break from in order to become an adult.) It is just too bad that he is doing this in his late 30's and not in his teens.

[Freddygone]

I see that in most of these MLC situations the wayward spouse may be narcissistic and it could have been suppressed by the Left behind until a point where we relaxed our support. OR it could be at the point we relax our support, the wayward spouse meets a strong narcissist. In my experience my MIL was a Narcissist and damaged my wife at a very young age. The traits I had described to me by my wife regarding her mother are now in evidence with my wife. The other day (less than ten days ago) my daughters were discussing an incident I did not know about regarding them and their mother when they were young girls. It was an exact replay of an incident my wife described with her mother when she was teenage (at the same age). I was amazed.
In MLC the person has low self esteem, with contact with a strong narcissist this low self esteem will immediately be detected as a willing host. He (Narcissist) will feed the insecurity and boost the confidence and off they go on the merry go round of an affair. It will be reciprocated as 'poor you, too'.
As Melody Chase describes in her videos about Narcissism on utube, there is always a narcissist in the mix here with MLC and affairs. But as described in this thread, they boost themselves as valuable achievers, but in fact this is all a lie and they have achieved nothing and are desperate to cover it up and have behaviour that says 'look at me, aren't I having a good time'. But inside they are frightened, insecure and suffering. We protected them for a long time. This is a falling glass we cannot catch. We have to watch it fall.     

[Freddygone]

I forgot one more point.....a strong narcissist will trap the weaker one. This is linked to Stockholm syndrome and generally the behaviour cycles between affection and abuse, this is how they create dependancy, but they are incapable of empathy or real love. (only for themselves to be enhanced).
if the narcissist is very strong you should not engage. Don't have anything to do with a strong narcissistic alienator.
Eventually (as we see described on this site) the alienator will strangle the love out of the MLC. It takes time. Sometimes a long time.

[missybuddha]

this is so interesting. I've just been researching gaslighting. (I started a thread) which is classic Narc behaviour. My h had gaslighted  a bit in our marriage but much more in the last two years
:-(

it all helps me to detach. and realise it's his journey and how I can look at how I was blind to it and how my self esteem got so low for so long.

I'm not sure if my husband has NPD but he is very narcissistic at the moment. My d18 commented on how a behaviour of my h was narcissistic and told me that narcissism is a PD. my D14 says he's selfish and my S20 talks about how his father feels that this is his time now and that the family owes him now.

[Freddygone]

Yes, another Narcissistic trait is that they almost never do anything for anyone without expecting a payback. All actions they make are banked in their head and will be produced like a rabbit from a hat if you don't reciprocate. Beware.
It is very sad and predictable.
Love is about doing things without expecting return, but for the pure joy of doing it. This love they don't have and they don't understand.
My wife's alienator does not understand why I did not kick her out (first miscalculation on his part) and why I am standing. I think at first he thought it was weak, but now he is very afraid. My strength in standing and maintaining the family is very frightening to him.
Standing is a sure sign of strength and a rock. Calm, unmoving, unreacting and to your spouse at some point very reassuring, we just have not got to that point yet.

[Dandy Lion]

I don't consider my H as a narcissist at all.  He has always been conflict avoidant which is a Personality Disorder but I don't think it is what cause his MLC, although I would certainly say it did not help matters.  His  coping skills have been hindered by his inability to reach out and talk to people about what is bothering him. 

[Mamma Bear]

Freddy I like what you wrote. I can relate. My H plays with his band aids and cream for his hands. Then he would take a bath always pampering himself. I would have thought he was narcissist but his self esteem is so tanked I can't imagine a narcissist having low self esteem
  These OP    are twisted. I can't give the op power anymore. They are meaningless.
  Dandy yeah I know what you mean about conflct avoiders. Always seemed he did that. I ended up having to solve all problems and the running of the house. Now Mr. Abandonment is over with ow almost 9 mos post BD and I thnik he thinks he's happy. Sort of     Good thing MLC=Confusion otherwise we'd be sunk   LOL Here's to  Giving them space to think and TIME!

[growing every day]

Don't have anything to do with a strong narcissistic alienator.

I will have this tattooed on my forehead backwards so I can see it in the mirror. My Vanishing H is a true narcissist. As I look back, always was, and as the saying goes, tigers don't change stripes. Its that now I that I see this is who is really is.

One of Maya Angelou's  quotes is " If someone shows you who they are, believe them"

[Buggy31]

Freddygone
Well said.  Do you have a background in psych or is this information from your research on MLC?